Trying to avoid failure to launch adults

[Anonymous]

This thread hit close to me. I am the oldest of 3 siblings and find myself successful with a job and my own loving family. I grew up modestly until my family came into wealth as my parent's business took off. I am the oldest and most responsible because I had duties inside and outside of the home. I had a strong sense of self and determination. My siblings, on the other hand, were given unlimited budget, their own place to live, luxury cars. My sister is fairly attractive and had guys "taking care" of her. She didn't really have a job until she was 35. Now she's older, and unhappy because she can't settle down because no guys is good enough for her. She can pull in doctors, wall street types, ceos, etc but she can't make up her own mind. My brother on the other hand, is 34, my parents bought him a business, but manages it for him while he play video games. He is currently dating a twenty something year old and his mentality is still a kid and very entitled.

So I take my parent's lessons in neglect and unlimited money for their kids as a warning. I am raising my own two kids very differently. We give them eveything too but we also make them work, and also help develop their sense of direction and purpose.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be controlling. Don’t helicopter. Don’t wait on them hand and foot.

Encourage them to have a social life. Don’t raise a hermit.

It’s not normal for older teens/young adults to prefer living at home. It’s normal to want independence.

Having said that, it makes good financial sense to do a stint at home to pay off student loans or sock away money for a down payment, etc.

I worked throughout college and grad school, but I did a yearlong stint at my parents’ house to save money to buy my first home. Game changer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in an affluent area and I’m shocked at the number of adult kids living at home not doing much. One mom told me not to let our kids move back home or they will never leave. I have multiple neighbors with college grad children who seem to be unemployed or quit their job to come back home.

How do we prevent kids from failing to launch?

We live a very comfortable life. I could see my kids wanting to come back home, which I honestly love the idea of but not at the expense of the kids not working and becoming functional adults.

This is not true.

I live in a very affluent area of MD.

For one culturally some young adults in the DMV move home because that is their culture. It is called building family wealth.

Others moved home because of COVID and work from home. Rents are insane so what if they moved back home if the parents are ok with that? I would love it if mine did. These are only a handful of families.

The majority of young adults are not living at home with their parents you are an idiot. Most of us raised them to go to college get degrees that get jobs and off they go to their own lives.

So what if they move home, MYOB

You sound like a loser. If your spoiled rich kidd are back to living at home you failed as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the downside to having a very nice UMC life and providing a nice comfortable home. They will never want to leave. I know my kids (13 and under) have no appreciation for how good they have it. But it will become very obvious when they are on their own for their first time trying to make their own way. Home will never look so good. Maybe that will light a fire under them to find their own success but it won't be easy.

Kids can’t imagine not living at home when they’re very young. By the end of high school they can’t wait to leave no matter how comfortable a house is.

Unless the young person has some issues making it hard for them to be independent, they will choose a 6th floor walk up in NYC the size of a walk in closet to be with their peers.

That’s what we cared about as Gen Xers. a lot of Gen Z is perfectly happy living with their parents after college for extensive periods.

But there’s a difference between living with your parents while working a decent entry level job and/or going to college, and living with your parents and being a NEET. I wouldn’t call the first failure to launch at all.

With WFH and online degrees being so common, kids who don't have jobs and/or aren't in school can just save face and lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One factor might be that many of us were raised by Silent Generation/Boomer parents, many of whom had kids because that was what you did. They didn't like the experience, and their kids were only too happy to leave.

I think more recent generations chose to have kids, and have stronger relationships with them. I think more young people view living at home as an option, as they get along well with their parents.

Young people’s opinions differ from yours. They post their thoughts everywhere and talk about their childhood trauma caused by parents, the emotional abuse and toxic environments. They talk about mental health issues which is a good thing. They fight over social media. There’s always some conflict between parents and children.

[Anonymous]

No sex in your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure they are working jobs beginning at 16 years of age.

This is huge.

I do not understand parents who say "My child needs to study". No, your child can do both. And yes get straight A's. It is called important life skills. Like reading a paycheck, paying taxes etc...

That's fuked up. I didn't work and I have a great job, my own house, I go on vacations. I'm married, have kids.

The most important thing for a child is the parent to give so much praise, help your kids self esteem.
My mom was single mom and she was caring and so we were. Now I helped my mom and gave her 20k for something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure they are working jobs beginning at 16 years of age.

That's fuked up. I didn't work when I was underage.

I'm 36 now and I have a great job, my own house, I go on vacations. I'm married, have kids.

The most important thing for a child is the parent to give so much praise, help your kids self esteem.
My mom was single mom and she was caring and so we were. Now I helped my mom and gave her 20k for something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure they are working jobs beginning at 16 years of age.

This is huge.

I do not understand parents who say "My child needs to study". No, your child can do both. And yes get straight A's. It is called important life skills. Like reading a paycheck, paying taxes etc...

That's fuked up. I didn't work and I have a great job, my own house, I go on vacations. I'm married, have kids.

The most important thing for a child is the parent to give so much praise, help your kids self esteem.
My mom was single mom and she was caring and so we were. Now I helped my mom and gave her 20k for something.

I think the ability to balance school and work is an indicator of future success as an adult. It also exposes kids to different types of people, career possibilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in an affluent area and I’m shocked at the number of adult kids living at home not doing much. One mom told me not to let our kids move back home or they will never leave. I have multiple neighbors with college grad children who seem to be unemployed or quit their job to come back home.

How do we prevent kids from failing to launch?

We live a very comfortable life. I could see my kids wanting to come back home, which I honestly love the idea of but not at the expense of the kids not working and becoming functional adults.

This is not true.

I live in a very affluent area of MD.

For one culturally some young adults in the DMV move home because that is their culture. It is called building family wealth.

Others moved home because of COVID and work from home. Rents are insane so what if they moved back home if the parents are ok with that? I would love it if mine did. These are only a handful of families.

The majority of young adults are not living at home with their parents you are an idiot. Most of us raised them to go to college get degrees that get jobs and off they go to their own lives.

So what if they move home, MYOB

Anyone who is letting their adult child live at home long term is making a huge mistake. Wealth building starts with building credit, paying monthly bills, feeding themselves and not blowing money on stupid stuff - which can only be done in the real world not in moms house. I have a few failure-to-launch relatives in middle age and it's not pretty. Get them out of the nest when they are young!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No sex in your house.

That will get them out. Take the bedroom door off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in an affluent area and I’m shocked at the number of adult kids living at home not doing much. One mom told me not to let our kids move back home or they will never leave. I have multiple neighbors with college grad children who seem to be unemployed or quit their job to come back home.

How do we prevent kids from failing to launch?

We live a very comfortable life. I could see my kids wanting to come back home, which I honestly love the idea of but not at the expense of the kids not working and becoming functional adults.

This is not true.

I live in a very affluent area of MD.

For one culturally some young adults in the DMV move home because that is their culture. It is called building family wealth.

Others moved home because of COVID and work from home. Rents are insane so what if they moved back home if the parents are ok with that? I would love it if mine did. These are only a handful of families.

The majority of young adults are not living at home with their parents you are an idiot. Most of us raised them to go to college get degrees that get jobs and off they go to their own lives.

So what if they move home, MYOB

You sound like a loser. If your spoiled rich kidd are back to living at home you failed as a parent.

Wealth advice columnist, Michelle Singletary of the Washington Post has failure to launch kids and she thinks no harm. So there.

[Anonymous]

I’m 40, but I’m really grateful to my parents for letting me live with them almost a year after graduation. I had a job, but it let me build up savings and just softened the whole thing. We were all more than ready when I found an apartment (which was easy because I had the deposit, first and last and could furnish it), and I haven’t moved back. But we’re all still close.

[Anonymous]

The world is changing and what has worked before isn’t working anymore.
Living on one’s own is expensive, working doesn’t always guarantee financial security or independence. Between AI, unhinged government moves, the world becoming truly global where you have to compete against the whole world vs just others from your area - it all makes it hard for young people to become independent. Upward mobility is severely stunted. Their hope is not to build up, but to keep at least what their parents have, and not to squander it all on insanely expensive elder care for their parents who seemingly intend to live forever.
The world has changed, yet our expectations and our understanding of younger generations remain desperately outdated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure they are working jobs beginning at 16 years of age.

This is huge.

I do not understand parents who say "My child needs to study". No, your child can do both. And yes get straight A's. It is called important life skills. Like reading a paycheck, paying taxes etc...

That's fuked up. I didn't work and I have a great job, my own house, I go on vacations. I'm married, have kids.

The most important thing for a child is the parent to give so much praise, help your kids self esteem.
My mom was single mom and she was caring and so we were. Now I helped my mom and gave her 20k for something.

I think the ability to balance school and work is an indicator of future success as an adult. It also exposes kids to different types of people, career possibilities

Sure, but so does balancing school and a sport, or school and playing an instrument, or school and volunteering. The main reason kids are less likely to have jobs now is that they are more likely to already have after school activities that take up a lot of time, and the benefits of those activities are usually much higher than making minimum wage somewhere. Sometimes activities and jobs dovetail (lifeguarding, teaching intro ballet at your ballet school, tutoring writing in addition to the school newspaper) which can be a good way to earn money while also furthering an interest and skill building. But I don't expect my kid to wait tables on top of everything else. It's not that important if an experience.