Teen boy, 17, no interest in a girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are self-conscious?

This is it for my DS. When anyone in his group of friends has a girlfriend, everyone teases them, there's gossip, etc. etc. He likes staying under the radar and not the topic of gossip. Anyway, hoping at some point he won't care what others think. He's a bit younger than OP's son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They also get messages from consent training. My son has mentioned several times that it's "gross" for seniors to date freshmen. That used to be unstigmatized in my generation. Even if it was rare.

Yes. This is my kid too. He's thinks it's gross to date someone who's not in the same grade that you are. I have been wondering where this is coming from. Back in the day, I went to a super small private school. If you didn't date someone up or down a few grades, then you might not be dating at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They also get messages from consent training. My son has mentioned several times that it's "gross" for seniors to date freshmen. That used to be unstigmatized in my generation. Even if it was rare.

Yes. This is my kid too. He's thinks it's gross to date someone who's not in the same grade that you are. I have been wondering where this is coming from. Back in the day, I went to a super small private school. If you didn't date someone up or down a few grades, then you might not be dating at all!

Yes they really into this and enforce it socially. If a junior dates a freshman, he/she gets called a pedo (and yes it’s sometimes older girls). I wouldn’t say must be same grade. But only one grade up or down. “If the grades don’t touch, neither do we” I’ve heard a few times. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a teen daughter (16) who has no interest in a boyfriend. I think kids these days are just different in the way they socialize. There seems to be a lot less pairing off, and more mixed-sex friend groups. Many identify as gay, bi, trans, asexual, and I think they’re just trying to figure out their sexuality and will eventually adopt more conventional roles - or not.

I think a lot of the delayed/questioning behavior is due to the fact that they hit puberty during COVID and couldn’t socialize in person. Also, I really think kids were deeply affected by the news when they were in late elementary - misogynistic celebrities and politicians, trashy behavior from people in the news, me too, the end of Roe v Wade, etc. I think a lot of our kids are rejecting traditional gender labels as a result. They want to be individuals without being forced into certain roles.

I can't agree with this more. They are all so confused.

My kid is exactly like the OP - cute guy, athletic, hangs out & goes to parties, movies, etc. with groups of friends, several girls have asked him out the past few years and he always says, not my type; not really into her; meh, she's already dated a lot of guys I know, etc. I guess he may be gay but I don't think so? He told me once that some girl was texting a friend of his and kept saying "she wanted him (my son) bad" and asked friend to set them up. I'm wondering if he feels inexperienced relative to some of the girls who are asking him out.

He was also telling me last night about the sexual proclivities of a lot of his classmates and, frankly, I was kind of shocked. I don't want to shame anyone's preferences, but he says there are kids in some of his classes who talk about being polyamorous, said he walked into the stairwell one day and 3 or 4 kids in his class were making out together, (he just put his head down and kept walking) and that one other kid in his class bragged openly and loudly that he had been "pegged" by a girl at a nearby school.

I guess I'm old and out of touch, but I think this is just a lot of info for a 16 year old to take in. When I was in school we didn't share what we did on dates with anyone except maybe our best friend and didn't have sex unless we were in a steady relationship for a while. Times have certainly changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a teen daughter (16) who has no interest in a boyfriend. I think kids these days are just different in the way they socialize. There seems to be a lot less pairing off, and more mixed-sex friend groups. Many identify as gay, bi, trans, asexual, and I think they’re just trying to figure out their sexuality and will eventually adopt more conventional roles - or not.

I think a lot of the delayed/questioning behavior is due to the fact that they hit puberty during COVID and couldn’t socialize in person. Also, I really think kids were deeply affected by the news when they were in late elementary - misogynistic celebrities and politicians, trashy behavior from people in the news, me too, the end of Roe v Wade, etc. I think a lot of our kids are rejecting traditional gender labels as a result. They want to be individuals without being forced into certain roles.

I can't agree with this more. They are all so confused.

My kid is exactly like the OP - cute guy, athletic, hangs out & goes to parties, movies, etc. with groups of friends, several girls have asked him out the past few years and he always says, not my type; not really into her; meh, she's already dated a lot of guys I know, etc. I guess he may be gay but I don't think so? He told me once that some girl was texting a friend of his and kept saying "she wanted him (my son) bad" and asked friend to set them up. I'm wondering if he feels inexperienced relative to some of the girls who are asking him out.

He was also telling me last night about the sexual proclivities of a lot of his classmates and, frankly, I was kind of shocked. I don't want to shame anyone's preferences, but he says there are kids in some of his classes who talk about being polyamorous, said he walked into the stairwell one day and 3 or 4 kids in his class were making out together, (he just put his head down and kept walking) and that one other kid in his class bragged openly and loudly that he had been "pegged" by a girl at a nearby school.

I guess I'm old and out of touch, but I think this is just a lot of info for a 16 year old to take in. When I was in school we didn't share what we did on dates with anyone except maybe our best friend and didn't have sex unless we were in a steady relationship for a while. Times have certainly changed.

This is what I mean when I say I’m flummoxed by how open minded and liberal they are—yet if you’re under the age of 25 and there’s more than a year or two age gap between people the older one is a grooming/pedo.

Like, what? I honestly think some of these odd lines in the sand have to do with the massive focus on consent, being a child during me-too, and growing up on screens where groupthink is amplified and you can easily close off to dissenting views.

You can have a four-way make out section and get pegged, but heaven forbid you date someone a year younger than you.

[Anonymous]

^^^I get what you’re saying about lines in the sand. My kid the other day asked me if it was weird that his friend, a HS junior, was dating a girl, HS senior. Huh? It’s possible they’re only a few months apart in age. And, honestly, I thought my kid was kind of off the rails prudish or something, but it’s interesting to me that this attitude is pervasive (and I no longer live in DMV so it’s not just a regional thing).

At the same time, I think that emphasizing consent is a positive development. It’s been a while, but I was a teen girl once and I’ve got experience with a teen boy/boyfriend who was aggressive and wouldn’t take no for an answer. What did I do after? Pretend it didn’t happen, dated him for a few more weeks and then found a different reason to break up with him. Sort of to save face I guess? And I kind of blamed myself for it – oh, I shouldn’t have been alone with him in the first place.

Hopefully, these consent talks are having an impact on these types of guys? But, really, who knows? I’m afraid though that the really good guys who would probably make great boyfriends, may see girls as kind of untouchable now and are kind of afraid to get involved with them? And, yet, at the same time, don’t really know how to deal with some of the girls who may be more sexually experienced than they are.

Maybe the net positive is that they will start dating when they’re older and have more mature, healthy first relationships than I (we?) did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High school boys have sex, but not relationships in 2024.

No, they are not going to tell you about the sex they have.

Where do they have sex? It’s not at my house because no girls are over.

At parties?

Are there a lot of posters replying here that didn’t grow up in the United States? Or lived in a cave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why are they weird or late bloomers if they don't have a bf/gf in HS? I know lots of college kids who have never really dated, either? I think many -not all- are waiting later. For whatever reason."

It's late or "weird" because it's out of sync with puberty. Puberty is a biological thing that happens during certain ages for the vast majority of people. Assuming a kid goes through puberty, they will develop physically and emotionally. An interest in their sexuality will develop. Most people figure out what to do with all these changes, while others are mortified by it and try to repress these feelings for a variety of reasons, some healthy and some not healthy. As a parent, you can help them by letting them know that these feelings are normal. You can guide them to dress and groom appropriately. You can model good interpersonal skills so that they can learn how to interact with people. Leaving your kid to figure out things on their own like buying her own bra, getting a decent haircut, learning to use deodorant and shower daily, and dressing in clothes that aren't a hot mess is just mean.

When you talk with adult men who didn't pursue relationships in high school it's always that they felt overwhelmed, confused, and completely unable to approach girls. Help your son develop some self-confidence and help them to see that girls are just people if your son is at an all-boys school.

It's not a a self confidence issue. My junior son is 6 feet, bright blue eyes, movie star perfect floppy hair, varsity athlete, A student, super outgoing. He was invited to the proms at Holton, Stone Ridge, and Visitation this spring by gorgeous girls.

that said, he spends all his time playing sports, hanging out with guys, sitting on the couch with me, etc. has no interest in dating or having a girlfriend. he has girls Snapping him 24/7. no dice.

Oh please. There are too many delusional moms here thinking their movie star sons are just too busy to hang out with a girl on Saturday night. Plenty of time to hangout with “the guys”. But none for “the girls”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They also get messages from consent training. My son has mentioned several times that it's "gross" for seniors to date freshmen. That used to be unstigmatized in my generation. Even if it was rare.

Consent training for boys is really crucial (as is explicit consent, of course).

Fortunately consent training is commonplace now in the DMV and that’s a very positive development. Consent must be clear and completely unambiguous; there is zero room for error.

At the same, I feel as if some boys could possibly get the wrong message, and just conclude “why bother?”

I went out with the most stereotyped athletes , hockey players D1 and D2, while in college and none were aggressive with females. They were just as awkward and bad at sex as the girls. Consent training should be required for males and females.

Of course there are rapes and attacks at high school and college but I don’t think it’s as wide spread as reported.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^I get what you’re saying about lines in the sand. My kid the other day asked me if it was weird that his friend, a HS junior, was dating a girl, HS senior. Huh? It’s possible they’re only a few months apart in age. And, honestly, I thought my kid was kind of off the rails prudish or something, but it’s interesting to me that this attitude is pervasive (and I no longer live in DMV so it’s not just a regional thing).

At the same time, I think that emphasizing consent is a positive development. It’s been a while, but I was a teen girl once and I’ve got experience with a teen boy/boyfriend who was aggressive and wouldn’t take no for an answer. What did I do after? Pretend it didn’t happen, dated him for a few more weeks and then found a different reason to break up with him. Sort of to save face I guess? And I kind of blamed myself for it – oh, I shouldn’t have been alone with him in the first place.

Hopefully, these consent talks are having an impact on these types of guys? But, really, who knows? I’m afraid though that the really good guys who would probably make great boyfriends, may see girls as kind of untouchable now and are kind of afraid to get involved with them? And, yet, at the same time, don’t really know how to deal with some of the girls who may be more sexually experienced than they are.

Maybe the net positive is that they will start dating when they’re older and have more mature, healthy first relationships than I (we?) did.

I agree that consent is a good thing, and that I also don’t know if the guys that Don’t know that “no means no” are getting any benefit from the emphasis on consent.

But I have just seen a lot of… quite honestly—over reactions; that I quite frankly believe are due directly to this massive emphasis on consent. Like a PP’s arm touching example, or stuff like drunken hookups (there is a VERY big difference between two drunk people hooking up, versus a dude plying a girl with alcohol with the intent to take advantage of her) yet younger generations seem to think any alcohol+sex=rape/sexual assault. That’s just.. not true and I think it’s super damaging for us to teach children that if you feel differently about something the day-after when you’re sober—that means you were raped.

Or that consent must be “clearly communicated verbally”, that’s just not how most people are—most communication humans use is non-verbal. Through body language, social cues, vocal tone, etc. this is literally why people on the autism spectrum have SUCH a hard time socially—they don’t naturally read these kinds of things like neurotypical people naturally can.

Or try and explain power dynamics and age gaps. Like these are REAL THINGS. But I don’t think the popular guy one year older than you is the kind of thing we mean when talking about “power dynamics” and “age gaps”.


Because yes, this isn’t a regional thing. This is a very real and highly noticeable trend of younger people that’s popped up over the last couple years. They view tiny age gaps as EXTREMELY wrong and then label people pedos and groomers. Even though it’s false, those are horrible and super damaging accusations.

I dunno, it’s something that just baffles me. Like you are THIS prudish about that kind of stuff, but then cool with polyamory, furries, pegging, etc? Like what?

Then we also have the ever-increasing group of kids that just has no interest in dating at all. It’s so many extremes and they just don’t really make sense to me.

Long rambling post, sorry. One too many glasses of wine tonight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Son is an all-around normal kid, social, lots of friends, many smart/cute girls who like him. He's straight and has gone out with girls who have asked him out, but he keeps it to "friend dates" and says he has no interest in physical intimacy or any relationship beyond friends. Is that normal for *some* boys at that age? I'm quite surprised.

I think it's normal for a lot of kids to not date in high school. Even 20 years ago, most kids didn't date or have sex in high school. We see it in popular media but it's normal and common and always has been. Kids are awkward. I think with boys of this age that it can be especially difficult because they're expected to be the one to take the lead and ask someone out. This isn't exactly easy for a 16 or 17 year old boy with no experience doing it yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High school boys have sex, but not relationships in 2024.

No, they are not going to tell you about the sex they have.

Where do they have sex? It’s not at my house because no girls are over.

At parties?

Are there a lot of posters replying here that didn’t grow up in the United States? Or lived in a cave?

What exactly is wrong with, as you put it, “didn’t grow up in the United States?”

Please answer my question, PP. I would very much like to know what your answer is.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all the replies. But neither of my brothers dated until senior year of HS. My DH & I started dating his senior year— I was his first girlfriend. All of these men are happily married now (to women).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They also get messages from consent training. My son has mentioned several times that it's "gross" for seniors to date freshmen. That used to be unstigmatized in my generation. Even if it was rare.

Consent training for boys is really crucial (as is explicit consent, of course).

Fortunately consent training is commonplace now in the DMV and that’s a very positive development. Consent must be clear and completely unambiguous; there is zero room for error.

At the same, I feel as if some boys could possibly get the wrong message, and just conclude “why bother?”

I went out with the most stereotyped athletes , hockey players D1 and D2, while in college and none were aggressive with females. They were just as awkward and bad at sex as the girls. Consent training should be required for males and females.

Of course there are rapes and attacks at high school and college but I don’t think it’s as wide spread as reported.

I think it is under reported because our society doesn't believe girls or women or blame them for being sexuallt assaulted.

Who wants their name run through the mud and for what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They also get messages from consent training. My son has mentioned several times that it's "gross" for seniors to date freshmen. That used to be unstigmatized in my generation. Even if it was rare.

Consent training for boys is really crucial (as is explicit consent, of course).

Fortunately consent training is commonplace now in the DMV and that’s a very positive development. Consent must be clear and completely unambiguous; there is zero room for error.

At the same, I feel as if some boys could possibly get the wrong message, and just conclude “why bother?”

What a weird mixed message for girls. It infantilizes them while everything else is shouting girl power and girl boss.

I don't know about you but some boys have been known to pressure girls to do things they don't want to do. Sometimes it is hard to stand up especiallt when you started something but they push it.

I’ve always found this so insulting. Females are meek little creatures incapable of making their wishes known.

Ok you may find it insulting but, girls can be pressured becasue they are taught to "be nice" and "get along" and "do what the boy wants" It is fact then and now.

Be a parent then. It’s way past time to leave this back in time where this belongs. What perpetuating stereotypes. Are girls not good in math either?

Who is taught to be “nice” and “get along?” I call bs.

You must live under a rock. It is all around us. Our society teaches us how to act and react by the news stories we read and see, our family members and society at large.

What you are doing is classic gaslighting.