Teen boy, 17, no interest in a girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son's waiting for college. There aren't many smart girls at his high school who are available and drama-free. And he doesn't want to be tied to someone who might choose a different university.

He's actually pretty tired of hearing about other people's sex life and relationship issues. His friends aren't convincing him by example that high school relationships are worth it.

I was pretty desperate to start dating in high school to prove to myself that I was pretty enough and attractive enough. That got me 2.5 years of learning "what not to do in a relationship" with a Mr. Wrong. If I could do it over, I would have skipped my first two boyfriends. I could have used a village matchmaker!

You know ALL the girls in his high school so you can confidently state that they are ALL aren't "smart" or drama free? Oh right, " who are available" So in your eyes ( and his) that is only a small percentage?

Wow, your attitude towards girls has rubbed off on your son..."congrats?" I feel sorry for any future women in his life

Small school in MC neighborhood in flyover country. Very different from DMV. Yes, I have a pretty good knowledge of the girls in the top 10% of the class, because that's only about 20 girls and they are in all the same classes and ECs as my kid. And we've been in the district K-12 and I'm an active parent with the ECs. Most of those girls are dating up (going steady with college guys from class ahead). Some publicly identify as gay. My son has plenty of female friends and a platonic girl friend date to prom. He's just not looking to swashbuckle into the middle of anybody's relationship or sit waiting for a breakup so he can go on a few slightly more real dates before college. We don't need your sarcastic fake pity. Why don't you answer OP's question instead of attacking me?

If there are any bad girl geniuses or smart girls who aren't in honors classes in the district, they're probably not looking for a square like my kid, lol.

How do you know I haven't answered the op? And I am challenging you because you are looking down on the majority of girls. You and your son are not superior.

I don't care if you son dates 1,000 girls or none. Your kid is probably just showing sour grapes. Ie no one wants to date me so they are the problem not me.

[Anonymous]

Why are they weird or late bloomers if they don't have a bf/gf in HS? I know lots of college kids who have never really dated, either? I think many -not all- are waiting later. For whatever reason.

I admit I'm a little nervous about our DC not dating at all. I'd love at least a date before college . . . but DC is focused on grades and sports and has little time for it. DC is also modest and a little shy so, even though DC is smart, pretty, athletic, most boys are not interested in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They also get messages from consent training. My son has mentioned several times that it's "gross" for seniors to date freshmen. That used to be unstigmatized in my generation. Even if it was rare.

Consent training for boys is really crucial (as is explicit consent, of course).

Fortunately consent training is commonplace now in the DMV and that’s a very positive development. Consent must be clear and completely unambiguous; there is zero room for error.

At the same, I feel as if some boys could possibly get the wrong message, and just conclude “why bother?”

[Anonymous]

"Why are they weird or late bloomers if they don't have a bf/gf in HS? I know lots of college kids who have never really dated, either? I think many -not all- are waiting later. For whatever reason."

It's late or "weird" because it's out of sync with puberty. Puberty is a biological thing that happens during certain ages for the vast majority of people. Assuming a kid goes through puberty, they will develop physically and emotionally. An interest in their sexuality will develop. Most people figure out what to do with all these changes, while others are mortified by it and try to repress these feelings for a variety of reasons, some healthy and some not healthy. As a parent, you can help them by letting them know that these feelings are normal. You can guide them to dress and groom appropriately. You can model good interpersonal skills so that they can learn how to interact with people. Leaving your kid to figure out things on their own like buying her own bra, getting a decent haircut, learning to use deodorant and shower daily, and dressing in clothes that aren't a hot mess is just mean.

When you talk with adult men who didn't pursue relationships in high school it's always that they felt overwhelmed, confused, and completely unable to approach girls. Help your son develop some self-confidence and help them to see that girls are just people if your son is at an all-boys school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Why are they weird or late bloomers if they don't have a bf/gf in HS? I know lots of college kids who have never really dated, either? I think many -not all- are waiting later. For whatever reason."

It's late or "weird" because it's out of sync with puberty. Puberty is a biological thing that happens during certain ages for the vast majority of people. Assuming a kid goes through puberty, they will develop physically and emotionally. An interest in their sexuality will develop. Most people figure out what to do with all these changes, while others are mortified by it and try to repress these feelings for a variety of reasons, some healthy and some not healthy. As a parent, you can help them by letting them know that these feelings are normal. You can guide them to dress and groom appropriately. You can model good interpersonal skills so that they can learn how to interact with people. Leaving your kid to figure out things on their own like buying her own bra, getting a decent haircut, learning to use deodorant and shower daily, and dressing in clothes that aren't a hot mess is just mean.

When you talk with adult men who didn't pursue relationships in high school it's always that they felt overwhelmed, confused, and completely unable to approach girls. Help your son develop some self-confidence and help them to see that girls are just people if your son is at an all-boys school.

Yes, I'm sure telling them they are out of sync with puberty, and telling them to make themselves look better and talk in a better way, would go over well.

Would you tell a girl to flirt more? Show more skin? Wear makeup? What kind of message are these?

Also have you seen the kids at HS? They almost all dress like a "hot mess."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a teen daughter (16) who has no interest in a boyfriend. I think kids these days are just different in the way they socialize. There seems to be a lot less pairing off, and more mixed-sex friend groups. Many identify as gay, bi, trans, asexual, and I think they’re just trying to figure out their sexuality and will eventually adopt more conventional roles - or not.

I think a lot of the delayed/questioning behavior is due to the fact that they hit puberty during COVID and couldn’t socialize in person. Also, I really think kids were deeply affected by the news when they were in late elementary - misogynistic celebrities and politicians, trashy behavior from people in the news, me too, the end of Roe v Wade, etc. I think a lot of our kids are rejecting traditional gender labels as a result. They want to be individuals without being forced into certain roles.

They are different. I have a niece and nephew age 16 and 18, and my sister said that almost none of their friends are into dating, or having boyfriends and girlfriends in high school. They are in the more “nerdy” group but it’s still within the range of normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People’s definition of “late bloomer” is both wild and not a little gross.

+1

Np. Op, your son sounds awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Why are they weird or late bloomers if they don't have a bf/gf in HS? I know lots of college kids who have never really dated, either? I think many -not all- are waiting later. For whatever reason."

It's late or "weird" because it's out of sync with puberty. Puberty is a biological thing that happens during certain ages for the vast majority of people. Assuming a kid goes through puberty, they will develop physically and emotionally. An interest in their sexuality will develop. Most people figure out what to do with all these changes, while others are mortified by it and try to repress these feelings for a variety of reasons, some healthy and some not healthy. As a parent, you can help them by letting them know that these feelings are normal. You can guide them to dress and groom appropriately. You can model good interpersonal skills so that they can learn how to interact with people. Leaving your kid to figure out things on their own like buying her own bra, getting a decent haircut, learning to use deodorant and shower daily, and dressing in clothes that aren't a hot mess is just mean.

When you talk with adult men who didn't pursue relationships in high school it's always that they felt overwhelmed, confused, and completely unable to approach girls. Help your son develop some self-confidence and help them to see that girls are just people if your son is at an all-boys school.

It's not a a self confidence issue. My junior son is 6 feet, bright blue eyes, movie star perfect floppy hair, varsity athlete, A student, super outgoing. He was invited to the proms at Holton, Stone Ridge, and Visitation this spring by gorgeous girls.

that said, he spends all his time playing sports, hanging out with guys, sitting on the couch with me, etc. has no interest in dating or having a girlfriend. he has girls Snapping him 24/7. no dice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has p0rn access, this is the new normal.

I'm not sure agree. Access to porn only made me want the real thing more when I was that age.

This isn’t the case anymore!! Porn is so accessible and over the top overstimulating that the real thing will never substitute it.

That said, OP, if this were my son I’d be overjoyed. This was my sweet husband, he was shy and didn’t realize what a catch he was, went in his first date around 17, a few more dates in college, then I was lucky enough to be his last first date and, similarly, I had only had two boyfriends by that time as well. Not everyone needs to date around. We’ve been together 25 years and have 2 children ❤️

DP how would you know what is over stimulating for a male? Women find porn upsetting because in 99% of it it shows a woman aggressively seeking out and having sex.

I don’t find porn upsetting- maybe you do? I think it’s so easy for kids to get it and is so over the top overstimulating that kids are overloaded by it. Don’t conflate the two.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of your son's personal life unless he actually asks you a question or indicates he wants to discuss with you. He may be putting off dating because he doesn't want to have to explain any of it to his mother, or introduce girls or boys to his mother. If you have asked him about this that probably explains why he's reluctant. Give him some room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They also get messages from consent training. My son has mentioned several times that it's "gross" for seniors to date freshmen. That used to be unstigmatized in my generation. Even if it was rare.

Consent training for boys is really crucial (as is explicit consent, of course).

Fortunately consent training is commonplace now in the DMV and that’s a very positive development. Consent must be clear and completely unambiguous; there is zero room for error.

At the same, I feel as if some boys could possibly get the wrong message, and just conclude “why bother?”

What a weird mixed message for girls. It infantilizes them while everything else is shouting girl power and girl boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why are they weird or late bloomers if they don't have a bf/gf in HS? I know lots of college kids who have never really dated, either? I think many -not all- are waiting later. For whatever reason."

It's late or "weird" because it's out of sync with puberty. Puberty is a biological thing that happens during certain ages for the vast majority of people. Assuming a kid goes through puberty, they will develop physically and emotionally. An interest in their sexuality will develop. Most people figure out what to do with all these changes, while others are mortified by it and try to repress these feelings for a variety of reasons, some healthy and some not healthy. As a parent, you can help them by letting them know that these feelings are normal. You can guide them to dress and groom appropriately. You can model good interpersonal skills so that they can learn how to interact with people. Leaving your kid to figure out things on their own like buying her own bra, getting a decent haircut, learning to use deodorant and shower daily, and dressing in clothes that aren't a hot mess is just mean.

When you talk with adult men who didn't pursue relationships in high school it's always that they felt overwhelmed, confused, and completely unable to approach girls. Help your son develop some self-confidence and help them to see that girls are just people if your son is at an all-boys school.

It's not a a self confidence issue. My junior son is 6 feet, bright blue eyes, movie star perfect floppy hair, varsity athlete, A student, super outgoing. He was invited to the proms at Holton, Stone Ridge, and Visitation this spring by gorgeous girls.

that said, he spends all his time playing sports, hanging out with guys, sitting on the couch with me, etc. has no interest in dating or having a girlfriend. he has girls Snapping him 24/7. no dice.

Sounds like he's gay, which is fine. Good for him for knowing.

[Anonymous]

It's so weird how having morals has somehow become a liability in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They also get messages from consent training. My son has mentioned several times that it's "gross" for seniors to date freshmen. That used to be unstigmatized in my generation. Even if it was rare.

Consent training for boys is really crucial (as is explicit consent, of course).

Fortunately consent training is commonplace now in the DMV and that’s a very positive development. Consent must be clear and completely unambiguous; there is zero room for error.

At the same, I feel as if some boys could possibly get the wrong message, and just conclude “why bother?”

What a weird mixed message for girls. It infantilizes them while everything else is shouting girl power and girl boss.

What is infantilizing? Girls should also be asking for a boy's consent.

[Anonymous]

"If she doesn't say no, you're good to go."