We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

I'm a husband with a similar lifestyle. He either needs to forego morning workouts, start them earlier, or go to work later so he can handle mornings. My wife is not responsible for the mornings and that's our trade off. If none of those options work, you all should have enough money for before care at school or a martial arts gym or something similar.

In the evenings, he should not pick up his phone for at least an hour to either allow you to cook dinner without worry about kids or allow you to worry about kids without cooking dinner.

Unfortunately, this is an exhausting time and without the additional family help or resources for a nanny or au pair, it is what it is. Eventually the kids will reach an age where they don't require as much supervision, but then activities start. I know it's challenging, but you're not the only one in this situation. However, it's workable. Just make sure your husband is really contributing as much as he can.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine divorcing a guy who is home by six. Lots of parents can’t make it home by then and have to have kids in aftercare until that point. Find a way to split up workouts, outsource meals and laundry but come on, this isn’t a situation to advocate a separation over.

[Anonymous]

If neither of you will change your schedule then a solution could be:
1. He makes the kids lunches each morning before he goes and puts in a load of laundry.
2. He spends evening and weekends meal planning, shopping, and prepping.
3. He plans, shops for, cooks, and prepares easy breakfasts for the kids that OP can either serve cold (banana muffins, cereal and yogurt, etc.) or heat up (egg cups, sausage, etc.).

Honestly, if you both can workout on Sats and Suns then you can deprioritize that and inky exercise on Wednesdays. The whole gym thing is insane. I have a friend whose DH didn’t see their kids on weekdays for 4 years because his precious morning gym time. What a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is running quite the con here. He does his best and you do ALL the rest. That is madness. He can cut working out two mornings a week. He can do laundry, meal prep, etc on the weekend. You can tell him you will divorce over this.

This. I would offer your husband the thought exercise of what life would look like if you were divorced and you even had 50/50 custody. Not as a divorce threat but as a thought experiment... He will be stunned by how much more parenting he would have to do, and how much less you would have to do.

Then implement that into your marriage.

(I actually did this with my oblivious husband and it worked. If ones persons life would get tremendously easier post divorce and one person's life would get much harder, you have a bad system in place.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your position and it turned out my now ex was fully exploiting me and taking advantage of my obvious and understandable distraction. But it was all my fault of course!

Then he cheated and I divorced him. Not what he wanted or expected.

This current situation is full of red flags. Start looking at your finances now.

Oh stop. There are no red flags, just the reality of two working parents including one in finance.

I suggest paring back on everything, no activities. After school nanny instead of after care. Plus, perhaps you can look for a new job OP.

I totally disagree. All jumped out at me:

Guy is making $160K and doing no drop off, no pick up, and no dinner. Unless he’s on a strict upward trajectory in finance and this is only temporary, he’s not making enough money to justify being this checked out.

He still prioritizes workers while OP is drowning.

His response to all this is to say he “regrets having kids”.

None of this is good.

There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home. He doesn't want to hear it from you so find a dad friend who has his shit together that he can talk to.

Time is a very limited resource when you have young kids and everyone needs to set reasonable expectations about what can realistically get done in the available hours you have and outsource when feasible. This might mean you both may be doing things at an hour that is outside of your preference or custom, or you may have to temporarily downgrade standards or deprioritize certain activities.

For instance, why stress about working out during the day if that's an option available to you? If kid wrangling in the morning and at night is crowding out working out, and working out every day is a high priority, then both of you should be working out at lunchtime. That's just the way it is right now. If dinner prep is taking up too much bandwidth, be strategic about what you are making and when you're making it. If he can't possibly help with dinner time on weeknights, then he should 100% be helping with meal prepping when he can (late night, weekends). If housework is crowding out the downtime you need to stay sane, then pay for help.

[Anonymous]

This thread right here is exactly why so many women who can afford to stay home. Because their husband is like OP's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I don't get is how your DH can work out every morning and leave all the work to you. My DH is a partner in big law. He works insane hours. But when he is home he helps with the morning routine, same with the evenings. He works out after the kids go to bed before he logs back in and works till like 10:30/11pm.

FWIW he makes way more than your DH and I make way more than you and we have more kids. But we have definitely figured out how to work and do all of our home responsibilities. So it can be done.

You sound like a real peach. Jeez.

Don't believe everything people post.

I am the pp you are both quoting - why am I a “real peach” and you “don’t believe” what I wrote? It’s all true. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how to manage this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a nanny/PA who works from 12-6pm. They do the kids laundry, receive deliveries (groceries, etc.), walk the dog, pick up dry-cleaning, and get the kids from school and supervise them doing homework, taking them to after-school activities, setting the table for dinner, etc.

Then, we have cleaning people twice a week. OP, throw money at this problem.

This op. Divorce would be more expensive. You’ll both feel better without the added pressure. It’s hard with 2 full time jobs, no matter how you try to split it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others. Unfortunately DH’s every single AM workouts are really unfair to you. He needs to alter his schedule- if he works out Sat and Sun he should be able to get by with 2 workout days during the week. If he wants more than that, he needs to get up even earlier IMO or workout at night. It just isn’t sustainable at this stage in your life.

What if DH only worked out Wed AM and did drop offs the rest of the week? He can get plenty of exercise time on Sat/Sun and supplement as needed in the evenings if he wants more.

If he isn’t currently doing so, he should be trying to make some effort with meals too. Even if he made something ahead on Sunday as a base for Monday- Tuesday dinner it would be a big help. My DH will often grill up a bunch of chicken breasts and/ or steaks on Sundays (he enjoys it anyway- has a beer and listens to music or podcast) and then we use the leftovers for Mon/Tues nights (steak salad, chicken taco bowls etc for us- and if the kids don’t want the same they do meat + easy sides like rice or potato wedges and steamed frozen veg etc). No reason your DH couldn’t plan/do something similar. Most of it is just planning, and refrigerating for assembly. Then if you cook something on Wednesday that allows leftovers for Thursday- weeknight dinners are done and have been split closer to 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a nanny/PA who works from 12-6pm. They do the kids laundry, receive deliveries (groceries, etc.), walk the dog, pick up dry-cleaning, and get the kids from school and supervise them doing homework, taking them to after-school activities, setting the table for dinner, etc.

Then, we have cleaning people twice a week. OP, throw money at this problem.

This op. Divorce would be more expensive. You’ll both feel better without the added pressure. It’s hard with 2 full time jobs, no matter how you try to split it.

Sounds perfect. I’m not sure they can afford this- that is the problem. It may mess with the current daycare arrangement for the younger child also as not all allow PT..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread right here is exactly why so many women who can afford to stay home. Because their husband is like OP's.

+1. This is literally the “before”. Except OP’s DH doesn’t really make enough for her to quit unless they change their lifestyle. And who knows if he ever will? It is not always easy to secure and succeed at a high-paying job.

[Anonymous]

You both need to drop the workouts.

[Anonymous]

I see 2 solutions here:

- hire an au pair at about $22K a year and maybe a cleaning lady once a week at $8K per year. It’s an extra $30K a year that will get you your sanity back

OR

- one of you takes a lower paying job or reduces their hours

Your current situation isn’t sustainable otherwise and one of the 2 solutions abode will be a lot cheaper than a divorce.

[Anonymous]

How about getting an au pair for some relief?

[Anonymous]

This post brings back a lot of memories from my marriage. After struggling with work life balance and many of your similar struggles, I decided to take a break and stay home. Many women handle the bulk of the kid stuff even if both parents are working. While DH has always been an attentive father when he is actually home, he has never done any planning, buying diapers, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, signing up for activities, play dates, etc. Never. When he is home, he is good with taking kids out to play, baths, cleaning up, etc. This has always been the case. When I was working, I was often angry at division of labor. We both had higher incomes than you and we kept throwing money and outsourcing more. I felt like I was outsourcing my life and I decided I wanted to stop working and take a break. We had a third child and I never went back to work.