I have boys. Will I ever see them when I'm older?

[Anonymous]

My mom sees her boys all the time; DH's mother is here all the time.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing it has something to do with the traditions that wives' parents pay for the weddings and that the wife's mother helps out when there is a baby.

I imagine if you don't stick to these tropes then you could have a close relationship with your adult son and his family.

[Anonymous]

My DH is closest with his parents of their 3 children. He is the middle child. I am much closer to them than their only daughter. I don’t think I could respect or fully trust my DH if he was willing to just cast them aside. A true family man would not do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let the patriarchy tell you that you can’t have a close emotional bond with your adult sons. The world needs way more emotionally intelligent and empathetic men.

+1
the son is a son until he takes a wife / daughter for life thing comes from patriarchy, including pitting women against one another. be cool with your son's friends, your son's SO's, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let the patriarchy tell you that you can’t have a close emotional bond with your adult sons. The world needs way more emotionally intelligent and empathetic men.

+1
the son is a son until he takes a wife / daughter for life thing comes from patriarchy, including pitting women against one another. be cool with your son's friends, your son's SO's, etc.

I know you hate it and have convinced yourself it’s a conspiracy by the patriarchy.

But there are differences between the sexes. One of them is that men tend to form their own family and the wife is in charge of most social planning and the family calendar. Is it the patriarchy forcing women to do all planning and organizing? Or is it actually a good thing that a wife gets to control the family calendar and what the family does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think PPs who say model those relationships with your own in laws are spot on. If DS sees you discount your MIL, speak badly about her, resist spending time with her, etc., he will think that’s normal if his future wife does the same to you. I’ve seen this cycle in families, unfortunately. But the opposite is also true. If DS sees you caring for your MIL and making an effort to have a good relationship, speaking kindly about her, he’ll expect the same behavior from any woman he marries.

Stop.
Making.
IL/Parental Relationships.
About. The. WOMAN.

If you have a good relationship with your son, then it will be good NOW, it will be good after he graduates/moves out, it will be good as he moves through his career, it will be good if and when he gets married or partners up, it will be good if he stays single, it will be good if he is gay, straight, bi, or whatever.

A woman has little to do with YOUR relationship with YOUR SON. If you want a good relationship with your son, all your kids, actually, foster it. Now and later. Regardless of whether he dates or marries a woman.

You don’t have much life experience do you. This happens all the time. Talk to some older women in their 60s/70s sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved my MIL, may she rest in peace. I made more effort to see my MIL & FIL than my DH (their son!). Not because he wasn’t loving, but because he had a lot of work, they lived far away, it was a conscious effort etc. But I truly considered them like parents. We come from a culture where family is a priority so that helps. Also MIL and FIL always treated me like a daughter. That helped too!

Same here (I'm the PP above you!), but this is also what makes me nervous about just having sons. I was also the DIL who did more work to get us together with DH's family. I can't count on having a DIL or SIL who will do that if and when my sons get "too busy."

What are you and your partner doing to model the behavior that:
-Men call their parents
-Men remember birthdays/holidays
-Men make plans and issue invitations
-Men send kid pics
-Men are the main "planners" for their own family of origin

Are you doing that? Yes or no.

Are you also modeling that:
-It's OK to be gay
-It's OK to be single
-It's OK not to get married
-It's OK not to have children of your own

Are you doing that? Yes or no.

This seems like a pretty good list. My husband is close with his family, close with my family, and generally aces at the first four bullet points and “OK to be gay” from the second set. He wouldn’t shame or disparage our kids if they ended up single, but he’d be sad and probably wouldn’t hide it well. Adopted kids or stepkids would depend on the kid and parent relationships.

I have no doubt we’ll be close to our boys and their families when they are grown. My DD and I are less emotive than the guys, but we like having them around. I foresee lots of inter-generational bonds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved my MIL, may she rest in peace. I made more effort to see my MIL & FIL than my DH (their son!). Not because he wasn’t loving, but because he had a lot of work, they lived far away, it was a conscious effort etc. But I truly considered them like parents. We come from a culture where family is a priority so that helps. Also MIL and FIL always treated me like a daughter. That helped too!

Same here (I'm the PP above you!), but this is also what makes me nervous about just having sons. I was also the DIL who did more work to get us together with DH's family. I can't count on having a DIL or SIL who will do that if and when my sons get "too busy."

What are you and your partner doing to model the behavior that:
-Men call their parents
-Men remember birthdays/holidays
-Men make plans and issue invitations
-Men send kid pics
-Men are the main "planners" for their own family of origin

Are you doing that? Yes or no.

Are you also modeling that:
-It's OK to be gay
-It's OK to be single
-It's OK not to get married
-It's OK not to have children of your own

Are you doing that? Yes or no.

This seems like a pretty good list. My husband is close with his family, close with my family, and generally aces at the first four bullet points and “OK to be gay” from the second set. He wouldn’t shame or disparage our kids if they ended up single, but he’d be sad and probably wouldn’t hide it well. Adopted kids or stepkids would depend on the kid and parent relationships.

I have no doubt we’ll be close to our boys and their families when they are grown. My DD and I are less emotive than the guys, but we like having them around. I foresee lots of inter-generational bonds.

If you and your husband wouldn’t be able to “hid disappointment” if your sons choose to be single, or if they choose not to have kids, CAN’T have kids (hello? Not everyone can), or choose not to adopt or CAN’T adopt, and act like non-acceptance of adopted kids is some kind of OK stance, then no, you won’t be close. What the hell. Having a problem with adopted or stepkids?! And you are acting like you are good people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let the patriarchy tell you that you can’t have a close emotional bond with your adult sons. The world needs way more emotionally intelligent and empathetic men.

+1
the son is a son until he takes a wife / daughter for life thing comes from patriarchy, including pitting women against one another. be cool with your son's friends, your son's SO's, etc.

I know you hate it and have convinced yourself it’s a conspiracy by the patriarchy.

But there are differences between the sexes. One of them is that men tend to form their own family and the wife is in charge of most social planning and the family calendar. Is it the patriarchy forcing women to do all planning and organizing? Or is it actually a good thing that a wife gets to control the family calendar and what the family does?

NP. Oh please. If your husband can somehow manage a calendar and a phone for his work meetings and obligations, and can somehow make a few medical appointments a year, he can also make plans with his family. My husband is a big boy who knows how to use his very own phone and a calendar! Wowie, zowie!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think PPs who say model those relationships with your own in laws are spot on. If DS sees you discount your MIL, speak badly about her, resist spending time with her, etc., he will think that’s normal if his future wife does the same to you. I’ve seen this cycle in families, unfortunately. But the opposite is also true. If DS sees you caring for your MIL and making an effort to have a good relationship, speaking kindly about her, he’ll expect the same behavior from any woman he marries.

Stop.
Making.
IL/Parental Relationships.
About. The. WOMAN.

If you have a good relationship with your son, then it will be good NOW, it will be good after he graduates/moves out, it will be good as he moves through his career, it will be good if and when he gets married or partners up, it will be good if he stays single, it will be good if he is gay, straight, bi, or whatever.

A woman has little to do with YOUR relationship with YOUR SON. If you want a good relationship with your son, all your kids, actually, foster it. Now and later. Regardless of whether he dates or marries a woman.

You don’t have much life experience do you. This happens all the time. Talk to some older women in their 60s/70s sometime.

I know many women in their 60s and 70s. The ones who have good relationships with their adult children and their adult children’s spouses are the reasonable, flexible, helpful, emotionally healthy ones who don’t pout because they don’t get Thanksgiving AND Christmas. It’s more about the 60s/70s parents than the 30s/40s folks who cause problems and have problems. Certain Boomers have a lot of growing up to do.

[Anonymous]

We have four adult daughters. Three are married. Our sons-in-law all come from functional families and were raised by involved parents.

All three spend much more time with us and our family than with their parents and their siblings. It’s not even close. And yes, I think it’s because daughters tend to drive the bus in this regard.

I would not want to be the parents in an all boys’ household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let the patriarchy tell you that you can’t have a close emotional bond with your adult sons. The world needs way more emotionally intelligent and empathetic men.

+1
the son is a son until he takes a wife / daughter for life thing comes from patriarchy, including pitting women against one another. be cool with your son's friends, your son's SO's, etc.

I know you hate it and have convinced yourself it’s a conspiracy by the patriarchy.

But there are differences between the sexes. One of them is that men tend to form their own family and the wife is in charge of most social planning and the family calendar. Is it the patriarchy forcing women to do all planning and organizing? Or is it actually a good thing that a wife gets to control the family calendar and what the family does?

Nothing to do with patriarchy.

It’s all about women needing to control everything, including hubby’s relationships.

#harshtruth

[Anonymous]

20 minute conversation yields anxiety and asking random internet people for advice.

maybe you focus on your boys that you want to see so much in old age and not trust that an uber driver knows more about your family than you do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let the patriarchy tell you that you can’t have a close emotional bond with your adult sons. The world needs way more emotionally intelligent and empathetic men.

+1
the son is a son until he takes a wife / daughter for life thing comes from patriarchy, including pitting women against one another. be cool with your son's friends, your son's SO's, etc.

I know you hate it and have convinced yourself it’s a conspiracy by the patriarchy.

But there are differences between the sexes. One of them is that men tend to form their own family and the wife is in charge of most social planning and the family calendar. Is it the patriarchy forcing women to do all planning and organizing? Or is it actually a good thing that a wife gets to control the family calendar and what the family does?

Nothing to do with patriarchy.

It’s all about women needing to control everything, including hubby’s relationships.

#harshtruth

LOL, I love my sipping my coffee and contemplating the fact that this weekend DH is taking my kids up to spend the weekend at his parents’ home in New Jersey, while I have time to see a college friend who is visiting the DC area, and a cousin who is returning home from deployment. DH and the kids will have a great time with my ILs; I didn’t say “no, you can’t go that weekend because I can’t come with you that weekend.” No need to control. They’re going to have fun, and I’m going to have an amazing weekend of enjoying my own company, seeing friends and family, and getting some projects done around the house

But sure, all women need to control everything, including “hubby’s” relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let the patriarchy tell you that you can’t have a close emotional bond with your adult sons. The world needs way more emotionally intelligent and empathetic men.

+1
the son is a son until he takes a wife / daughter for life thing comes from patriarchy, including pitting women against one another. be cool with your son's friends, your son's SO's, etc.

I know you hate it and have convinced yourself it’s a conspiracy by the patriarchy.

But there are differences between the sexes. One of them is that men tend to form their own family and the wife is in charge of most social planning and the family calendar. Is it the patriarchy forcing women to do all planning and organizing? Or is it actually a good thing that a wife gets to control the family calendar and what the family does?

Nothing to do with patriarchy.

It’s all about women needing to control everything, including hubby’s relationships.

#harshtruth

LOL, I love my sipping my coffee and contemplating the fact that this weekend DH is taking my kids up to spend the weekend at his parents’ home in New Jersey, while I have time to see a college friend who is visiting the DC area, and a cousin who is returning home from deployment. DH and the kids will have a great time with my ILs; I didn’t say “no, you can’t go that weekend because I can’t come with you that weekend.” No need to control. They’re going to have fun, and I’m going to have an amazing weekend of enjoying my own company, seeing friends and family, and getting some projects done around the house

But sure, all women need to control everything, including “hubby’s” relationships.

You’re living in a bubble. Most American men aren’t taking their kids on trips anywhere unless a woman is included.