I have boys. Will I ever see them when I'm older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t let the patriarchy tell you that you can’t have a close emotional bond with your adult sons. The world needs way more emotionally intelligent and empathetic men.

+1
the son is a son until he takes a wife / daughter for life thing comes from patriarchy, including pitting women against one another. be cool with your son's friends, your son's SO's, etc.

I know you hate it and have convinced yourself it’s a conspiracy by the patriarchy.

But there are differences between the sexes. One of them is that men tend to form their own family and the wife is in charge of most social planning and the family calendar. Is it the patriarchy forcing women to do all planning and organizing? Or is it actually a good thing that a wife gets to control the family calendar and what the family does?

Nothing to do with patriarchy.

It’s all about women needing to control everything, including hubby’s relationships.

#harshtruth

LOL, I love my sipping my coffee and contemplating the fact that this weekend DH is taking my kids up to spend the weekend at his parents’ home in New Jersey, while I have time to see a college friend who is visiting the DC area, and a cousin who is returning home from deployment. DH and the kids will have a great time with my ILs; I didn’t say “no, you can’t go that weekend because I can’t come with you that weekend.” No need to control. They’re going to have fun, and I’m going to have an amazing weekend of enjoying my own company, seeing friends and family, and getting some projects done around the house

But sure, all women need to control everything, including “hubby’s” relationships.

You’re living in a bubble. Most American men aren’t taking their kids on trips anywhere unless a woman is included.

I guess you just have a weird circle of friends. I know plenty of dads who take their kids camping and stuff and wife stays home for a girls’ weekend or whatever. Did you go to Liberty or something? Where did you go to college/did you go to college? Just trying to get a sense of what peer group you are in where this is remotely odd. Sometimes I stay home with kids while DH goes on a ski trip with his friends; sometimes he takes the kids to see his parents while I have a relaxing weekend. It’s weird that you think that’s odd. All my friends do this kind of thing. Don’t you ever go on a trip with your friends? So sad!

[Anonymous]

It is very simple. Lead by example. We split our time/holidays between the two families. My husband's family is important to him, therefore, they are also important to me. We have also invited both sides of the family to vacation with us at different times and we call at least once a week. My children know that we love both sides and make an effort to spend time with both sides. Down the road, when my son marries, I will be sure to treat his spouse kindly and with respect.

[Anonymous]

I'm very confused by this concern. We prioritize my husband's family as well as mine, but maybe I'm lucky in that my in-laws go out of their way to meet all of their children and children-in-law at their level and cheer them on with whatever they're doing.

Also I have two daughters and one son and the existence of daughters does not make me less concerned about having an adult relationship with my son, so that's kind of weird to me too.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. My parents modeled staying close to their siblings. My mom only had brothers and my aunts were always warm and welcoming to us. My dad was one of three boys. His mom lived with us. My uncles came out at least once a month to see her, more when she was sick.

I have 3 brothers and I am the only sister. We go on vacation with all 4 families every summer and visit 2-3 more times a year. One brother is local and we see each other every 3 weeks or so. Again, we all share the same goal that we want our families to grow up with close cousin relationships. My sister in laws are lovely people that I enjoy spending time with. I don’t think that stereotype has to play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is very simple. Lead by example. We split our time/holidays between the two families. My husband's family is important to him, therefore, they are also important to me. We have also invited both sides of the family to vacation with us at different times and we call at least once a week. My children know that we love both sides and make an effort to spend time with both sides. Down the road, when my son marries, I will be sure to treat his spouse kindly and with respect.

IF your son marries. IF.

Why are you all so damn intent on talking about your child’s future as if they will, for sure marry? That is not the only valid way to live! Why are you not leaving room for possibility and for what THEY want?

-And yes I am married, so don’t bother trying to come at me with that

[Anonymous]

My DH sees his parents weekly. They are invited to all our events (birthdays, holidays, recitals) and we do dinner with them at least once a month. They live close and one of the main reasons the see grandkids less than my parent sis that they are 15 years older so cant watch them alone and cant drive them. My parents drive my kids to activities and do overnights at their house when we go on kid free trips because they have the energy (mid 60s) to do that. Dh has a sister with kids but they live many states away so he is the main care taker for his parents.

[Anonymous]

We see my ILs just as much as we see my parents. It was the same with my grandparents. My brother definitely sees his in-laws more but that has a lot to do with proximity as they live much closer than to my parents.

My mother is very sensitive to who sees the kids more and my MIL so cool about it. She doesn't care if we spend certain holidays with my parents because she knows how my mom is and likes to make my life easy. It also helps that we celebrate the Christian holidays and MIL was raised Jewish so she doesn't have a strong feeling about holidays like Easter.

[Anonymous]

Make sure both you and your DH model the behavior you hope to see in the future.
My DH will say he is close to his family, but literally ALL communication with them falls to me. Planning travel, mailing cards and gifts, arranging FaceTime for our 2 young DDs, even texting pictures of the girls to their grandparents. He makes very little effort at all to maintain regular contact, but he complains when we don’t see them or if we miss a birthday, etc.
I take it on myself to manage the relationship with his side of the family because I was raised that family is important and effort should be made to maintain those bonds. Plus, I genuinely like his family. His brother is the exact same…all responsibility for maintaining a relationship with the family falls on his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure both you and your DH model the behavior you hope to see in the future.
My DH will say he is close to his family, but literally ALL communication with them falls to me. Planning travel, mailing cards and gifts, arranging FaceTime for our 2 young DDs, even texting pictures of the girls to their grandparents. He makes very little effort at all to maintain regular contact, but he complains when we don’t see them or if we miss a birthday, etc.
I take it on myself to manage the relationship with his side of the family because I was raised that family is important and effort should be made to maintain those bonds. Plus, I genuinely like his family. His brother is the exact same…all responsibility for maintaining a relationship with the family falls on his wife.

Stop acting like you are a victim when you are a volunteer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure both you and your DH model the behavior you hope to see in the future.
My DH will say he is close to his family, but literally ALL communication with them falls to me. Planning travel, mailing cards and gifts, arranging FaceTime for our 2 young DDs, even texting pictures of the girls to their grandparents. He makes very little effort at all to maintain regular contact, but he complains when we don’t see them or if we miss a birthday, etc.
I take it on myself to manage the relationship with his side of the family because I was raised that family is important and effort should be made to maintain those bonds. Plus, I genuinely like his family. His brother is the exact same…all responsibility for maintaining a relationship with the family falls on his wife.

Stop acting like you are a victim when you are a volunteer

Where did I say I was a victim?

[Anonymous]

We are closer to DH’s side. They just all show more interest and put forth more effort, even random aunts/uncles/cousins.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily true. I am 1 of 5 boys (no girls) raised by a single mother. She lives cross country and I see her about 6x per year. My brothers all live in the same city and see her about once per month. Love them, and they'll love you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure both you and your DH model the behavior you hope to see in the future.
My DH will say he is close to his family, but literally ALL communication with them falls to me. Planning travel, mailing cards and gifts, arranging FaceTime for our 2 young DDs, even texting pictures of the girls to their grandparents. He makes very little effort at all to maintain regular contact, but he complains when we don’t see them or if we miss a birthday, etc.
I take it on myself to manage the relationship with his side of the family because I was raised that family is important and effort should be made to maintain those bonds. Plus, I genuinely like his family. His brother is the exact same…all responsibility for maintaining a relationship with the family falls on his wife.

Stop acting like you are a victim when you are a volunteer

Where did I say I was a victim?

When you say things “fall to you,” and that’s not true.

1) Nobody has to do that labor
2) If you think someone should do it, you can tell him directly you think he needs to do it
3) But if you decide to do it, it doesn’t “fall” to you. You picked it up. Own that.

[Anonymous]

The essential problem is that boys’ relationships with their moms look different from the mom’s perspective vs. the wife’s perspective: what to the mom is a good, loving, and present son is often seen and characterized as an overly enmeshed momma’s boy by the wife. And vice versa.

A lot of wives who are super close to their own moms aren’t comfortable with their husbands being similarly close to the MIL. Wives don’t really believe that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, unless it’s to their advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The essential problem is that boys’ relationships with their moms look different from the mom’s perspective vs. the wife’s perspective: what to the mom is a good, loving, and present son is often seen and characterized as an overly enmeshed momma’s boy by the wife. And vice versa.

A lot of wives who are super close to their own moms aren’t comfortable with their husbands being similarly close to the MIL. Wives don’t really believe that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, unless it’s to their advantage.

Though I somewhat agree with you(overall), if you’re a heterosexual couple, the equivalent of a mother is the FIL.

p.s.: I love my MIL, my mother is the one who drives me crazy.