I have boys. Will I ever see them when I'm older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved my MIL, may she rest in peace. I made more effort to see my MIL & FIL than my DH (their son!). Not because he wasn’t loving, but because he had a lot of work, they lived far away, it was a conscious effort etc. But I truly considered them like parents. We come from a culture where family is a priority so that helps. Also MIL and FIL always treated me like a daughter. That helped too!

Same here (I'm the PP above you!), but this is also what makes me nervous about just having sons. I was also the DIL who did more work to get us together with DH's family. I can't count on having a DIL or SIL who will do that if and when my sons get "too busy."

What are you and your partner doing to model the behavior that:
-Men call their parents
-Men remember birthdays/holidays
-Men make plans and issue invitations
-Men send kid pics
-Men are the main "planners" for their own family of origin

Are you doing that? Yes or no.

Are you also modeling that:
-It's OK to be gay
-It's OK to be single
-It's OK not to get married
-It's OK not to have children of your own

Are you doing that? Yes or no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think PPs who say model those relationships with your own in laws are spot on. If DS sees you discount your MIL, speak badly about her, resist spending time with her, etc., he will think that’s normal if his future wife does the same to you. I’ve seen this cycle in families, unfortunately. But the opposite is also true. If DS sees you caring for your MIL and making an effort to have a good relationship, speaking kindly about her, he’ll expect the same behavior from any woman he marries.

Stop.
Making.
IL/Parental Relationships.
About. The. WOMAN.

If you have a good relationship with your son, then it will be good NOW, it will be good after he graduates/moves out, it will be good as he moves through his career, it will be good if and when he gets married or partners up, it will be good if he stays single, it will be good if he is gay, straight, bi, or whatever.

A woman has little to do with YOUR relationship with YOUR SON. If you want a good relationship with your son, all your kids, actually, foster it. Now and later. Regardless of whether he dates or marries a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother married a psychotic possessive woman and we never see them. They also treat my parents like dirt. They are setting themselves up for their son to do the same and I am sure he will. These cycles repeat.

Sounds like your brother sucks, and/or he wasn't raised right. Clearly.

[Anonymous]

It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Should my DH make more effort with his parents? Probably. But they don't make much effort either. ILs helped out his older sister a LOT then they had kids, and I think DH is hurt they don't seem as interested in developing a relationship with ours. They don't like DC, so they no longer come to visit, we have to travel to visit them or meet them somewhere else.

I have one of each, and right now DS is my sweet, thoughtful child who claims he will never move away from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Should my DH make more effort with his parents? Probably. But they don't make much effort either. ILs helped out his older sister a LOT then they had kids, and I think DH is hurt they don't seem as interested in developing a relationship with ours. They don't like DC, so they no longer come to visit, we have to travel to visit them or meet them somewhere else.

I have one of each, and right now DS is my sweet, thoughtful child who claims he will never move away from me.

Why "probably"? Why should a romantic partner put in any/equal/more effort than the actual son or daughter? Explain your thinking. Explain if you think that's true for romantic partners with or without vaginas, by the way.

[Anonymous]

It really comes down to emotional intelligence. The day DH and I and got engaged, my MIL said that it's time for her to cut the apron strings. And she kept her word. She's loving without suffocating us, respect our schedule and preferences, and she never interferes in our lives.

My own mom, God bless her, was the opposite. She was extremely self-sacrificing, but never understood personal boundaries. She and my dad inserted themselves into my brother and SIL's lives and questioned their decisions constantly. She was extremely controlling, which drove my brother to the opposite coast in the first place. And that tendency to undermine and control after his marriage did not help build a solid bond with my SIL.

I dearly loved my mom, more than any other person besides my own kids and DH, but I'm also clear eyed to see that as a MIL, I'd prefer my DH's mom over her any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think PPs who say model those relationships with your own in laws are spot on. If DS sees you discount your MIL, speak badly about her, resist spending time with her, etc., he will think that’s normal if his future wife does the same to you. I’ve seen this cycle in families, unfortunately. But the opposite is also true. If DS sees you caring for your MIL and making an effort to have a good relationship, speaking kindly about her, he’ll expect the same behavior from any woman he marries.

Stop.
Making.
IL/Parental Relationships.
About. The. WOMAN.

If you have a good relationship with your son, then it will be good NOW, it will be good after he graduates/moves out, it will be good as he moves through his career, it will be good if and when he gets married or partners up, it will be good if he stays single, it will be good if he is gay, straight, bi, or whatever.

A woman has little to do with YOUR relationship with YOUR SON. If you want a good relationship with your son, all your kids, actually, foster it. Now and later. Regardless of whether he dates or marries a woman.

+1 I can't believe the nasty anti-woman sentiments throughout this thread. It doesn't resemeble any family relationship dynamics I'm familiar with.

[Anonymous]

My husband is Italian American and we see his mom ALL the time and helped her move to be closer to us. I'm also close to my mom. His closeness with his family is part of what attracted me to him. Yes our elderly moms also make us crazy some times haha but we both talk to our moms 3-4 times per week and see them every weekend.

[Anonymous]

I see mine frequently. It may be because he grew up with just me. I’m a single mom and it was just the two of us so we have a different relationship than other moms who are married.

[Anonymous]

Once I was an adult, my mom sat me down and said our relationship was now a two way street - I needed to be supportive of her / reach out to her / show care for her if I expected the same from her. I believe a lot of women get this message with or without their moms being so explicit about it.

I see so many men never evolve from the parent / child relationship and I blame the parents. If they continue to endlessly coddle their sons, then of course their sons will never think about their (the parents) needs or how to be there for their parents. I have 3 boys and no girls and am doing my best to raise them each with the mindset that we (family / people we love) take care of each other, that love is an action - not a passive thing you just say, that its important to think about how we support other people and be a good friend / family member etc. And I'll have the same talk with them some day that my mom had with me.

Dh talks to his parents a lot but doesn't think at all about his parents needs. They've so oriented around they (his parents) take care of him and never want to "burden" him that he has such a blind spot to them as people that might need their only child's support. its going to get very messy as they age and they continue to hide things from him and he continues to be blind to them as anything other than people that take care of him

[Anonymous]

Depends on the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the wife.

No, it doesn't. It depends on the son you raised.

My brother is gay and has a boyfriend. Whose "fault" is it that he doesn't call my parents very often? What, no vagina to blame, eh? What are you going to do now?

My cousin is single. He doesn't get in touch with his parents very often, rarely comes to holidays or family events, he's 45. Whose "fault" is it? You have no woman to blame here, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Should my DH make more effort with his parents? Probably. But they don't make much effort either. ILs helped out his older sister a LOT then they had kids, and I think DH is hurt they don't seem as interested in developing a relationship with ours. They don't like DC, so they no longer come to visit, we have to travel to visit them or meet them somewhere else.

I have one of each, and right now DS is my sweet, thoughtful child who claims he will never move away from me.

Why "probably"? Why should a romantic partner put in any/equal/more effort than the actual son or daughter? Explain your thinking. Explain if you think that's true for romantic partners with or without vaginas, by the way.

He is their son, sorry if that wasn’t clear. I’m just saying it goes both ways is all. His parents are retired and have all the time in the world but don’t initiate.

[Anonymous]

I worry about this too as a mom to all boys. It was certainly true with my parents, but my dad’s mom was not a nice mother, and her daughter also was not close with her. It’s also true with my husband’s mom, but she is a narcissist who rejects all our offers to visit or have her visit, so it isn’t like my husband dropped her for my family. He would be so happy if she was interested in us or our kids.

I do worry a lot about this. I do know a lot of friends where it is very equal with both sides, and my own brother is much closer with our family than with his wife’s; but her family is pretty crazy and she hates her mom. So I worry if my boys marry girls with normal families, then I’ll definitely be less of a priority than their wives family. All I can do though is treat their wives well and enjoy what time I do get with them, and be as supportive as I can. P

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worry about this too as a mom to all boys. It was certainly true with my parents, but my dad’s mom was not a nice mother, and her daughter also was not close with her. It’s also true with my husband’s mom, but she is a narcissist who rejects all our offers to visit or have her visit, so it isn’t like my husband dropped her for my family. He would be so happy if she was interested in us or our kids.

I do worry a lot about this. I do know a lot of friends where it is very equal with both sides, and my own brother is much closer with our family than with his wife’s; but her family is pretty crazy and she hates her mom. So I worry if my boys marry girls with normal families, then I’ll definitely be less of a priority than their wives family. All I can do though is treat their wives well and enjoy what time I do get with them, and be as supportive as I can. P

Why are you assuming they’ll get married, and why are you assuming they’ll get married to women?

By the way, why do you also somehow expect them to go from, say, college to walking down the aisle immediately? Don’t you think you’ll have a few years where they have graduated from college and have left your home, but also aren’t partnered for life? Why do you think they won’t be young, single people? Won’t they have a relationship with you THEN? Why wouldn’t THAT relationship continue, whether or not they find long-term partners, men or women?