Absent minded professor DH and vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was like this when the kids were little but has been awesome with them once they hit mid elementary. I work a very demanding job and his job was like 1/3rd the hours and we had a nanny or after care till 6 but still he felt like he did everything at home so on vacation I was taking 3 under 5 to the beach by myself etc.. I just decided to do what I wanted to do and enjoy it and not let him ruin my vacay if he wanted to sit in the house reading the paper at the beach and planned stuff to make it as easy as possible for me - eg I paid someone to set up an umbrella and chairs for me on the beach every morning, rented a stroller that could lug everything w/ one person, picked a beach with wait service so they could bring lunch down to us etc.. He was just overwhelmed with little kids - you would never guess it today by how involved he is

OP these are some great suggestions, and no way in hell does FIL come with you next time. Immediate family only. My ILs are overwhelming, too because they are all like your DH. (MIL will help SIL, who is a carbon copy of MIL. MIL but will not help anyone else, which is just mean and rude. I would send DH to the IL vacations, and he got the point pretty quick. LOL).

Definitely pay for services, and definitely seek out any assistance with the fostering situation. Your DH will get the point, especially if he is money oriented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did the therapy not help?

You say a doctor wouldn't prescribe ADHD meds for him, why is that?

Op here. The first therapist I felt really bought into the narrative that I am a controlling shrew and that DH is this well meaning dad who just can’t meet my unreasonable expectations. She would side with him. There was data I could have presented to help her understand the level of neglect, but I hesitated to share that information because I didn’t want CPS involved and worry that she’d have to call them if I told her some of the incidents that happened.

The second therapist was more balanced and I thought maybe could have helped us but mostly we’d go to therapy, bring up a bunch of bad feelings, never get to any resolution, and the bad feelings would just linger until the next appointment. Also,DH would put on a show of participation during the session but I did all the work: all the scheduling, arranging, insurance, finding the therapist, etc. It was just another thing I was forcing on my DH and that he was doing to shut me up. I don’t think he actually wanted to be there or believed we needed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did the therapy not help?

You say a doctor wouldn't prescribe ADHD meds for him, why is that?

Op here. The first therapist I felt really bought into the narrative that I am a controlling shrew and that DH is this well meaning dad who just can’t meet my unreasonable expectations. She would side with him. There was data I could have presented to help her understand the level of neglect, but I hesitated to share that information because I didn’t want CPS involved and worry that she’d have to call them if I told her some of the incidents that happened.

The second therapist was more balanced and I thought maybe could have helped us but mostly we’d go to therapy, bring up a bunch of bad feelings, never get to any resolution, and the bad feelings would just linger until the next appointment. Also,DH would put on a show of participation during the session but I did all the work: all the scheduling, arranging, insurance, finding the therapist, etc. It was just another thing I was forcing on my DH and that he was doing to shut me up. I don’t think he actually wanted to be there or believed we needed it.

Ok. And the meds?

[Anonymous]

Please ignore these people who are focused on wiping. I have and 8 year old with ADHD and autism who needs help wiping. Your situation is not unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did the therapy not help?

You say a doctor wouldn't prescribe ADHD meds for him, why is that?

Op here. The first therapist I felt really bought into the narrative that I am a controlling shrew and that DH is this well meaning dad who just can’t meet my unreasonable expectations. She would side with him. There was data I could have presented to help her understand the level of neglect, but I hesitated to share that information because I didn’t want CPS involved and worry that she’d have to call them if I told her some of the incidents that happened.

The second therapist was more balanced and I thought maybe could have helped us but mostly we’d go to therapy, bring up a bunch of bad feelings, never get to any resolution, and the bad feelings would just linger until the next appointment. Also,DH would put on a show of participation during the session but I did all the work: all the scheduling, arranging, insurance, finding the therapist, etc. It was just another thing I was forcing on my DH and that he was doing to shut me up. I don’t think he actually wanted to be there or believed we needed it.

Ok. And the meds?

Op here. Doc didn’t want to prescribe adderall without establishing a relationship and doing neuropsych testing. DH didn’t follow up. I had to drag him to the appointment to begin with. I don’t have the energy to keep forcing him to go back and he doesn’t view it as important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please ignore these people who are focused on wiping. I have and 8 year old with ADHD and autism who needs help wiping. Your situation is not unusual.

Op here. Thank you!!! I’ve only ever had boys but even my neurotypical one wasn’t the best wiper. They all potty trained right at 2 but the wiping takes a level of coordination and care that they just don’t seem to have until later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did the therapy not help?

You say a doctor wouldn't prescribe ADHD meds for him, why is that?

Op here. The first therapist I felt really bought into the narrative that I am a controlling shrew and that DH is this well meaning dad who just can’t meet my unreasonable expectations. She would side with him. There was data I could have presented to help her understand the level of neglect, but I hesitated to share that information because I didn’t want CPS involved and worry that she’d have to call them if I told her some of the incidents that happened.

The second therapist was more balanced and I thought maybe could have helped us but mostly we’d go to therapy, bring up a bunch of bad feelings, never get to any resolution, and the bad feelings would just linger until the next appointment. Also,DH would put on a show of participation during the session but I did all the work: all the scheduling, arranging, insurance, finding the therapist, etc. It was just another thing I was forcing on my DH and that he was doing to shut me up. I don’t think he actually wanted to be there or believed we needed it.

Ok. And the meds?

Op here. Doc didn’t want to prescribe adderall without establishing a relationship and doing neuropsych testing. DH didn’t follow up. I had to drag him to the appointment to begin with. I don’t have the energy to keep forcing him to go back and he doesn’t view it as important.

I think it's either this or you're headed for divorce, honestly. Your DH sounds in denial of how bad things have gotten and you need to find a way to wake him up, without doing anything unsafe for the children. I'm not sure what that is. Sorry. I think you need to see, by yourself, a therapist specializing in ND adult relationships.

Are you looking towards adopting this child? Since the child is your DH's bio relative, what does that mean for child support if you have primary custody of all three?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please ignore these people who are focused on wiping. I have and 8 year old with ADHD and autism who needs help wiping. Your situation is not unusual.

Op here. Thank you!!! I’ve only ever had boys but even my neurotypical one wasn’t the best wiper. They all potty trained right at 2 but the wiping takes a level of coordination and care that they just don’t seem to have until later.

Realize that you are part of the problem and are creating future husbands that your Dil will complain about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, stop excusing and enabling your DH's behavior with cutesie names like "absent minded professor". Your DH is overwhelmed, and so are you.

Does your DH have ASD?

+1

Though this reads like a Troll lift from previous posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.

Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.

Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.

They should be able to wipe themselves at that age. Bidet or no bidet.

Your DH has probably been trained by you not to get in the way of the helicopter blades.

Op here. I don’t know. Maybe start a new thread if you’d like to debate whether 5 and 6 year olds wipe well enough to require no help. Mine do. My 7 year old also did until recently. In the example above that I gave, the 5 year old had an unwiped butt and was naked and ended up smearing feces onto the couch, which I had to clean. It maybe wouldn’t have been a big deal but he was naked.

DP. I think you have bigger problems than one non relaxing vacation. You guys need some serious parenting help if a 5 year old is so dirty he’s “smearing feces onto the couch”. I’m not trying to be rude, but that’s not normal, and gives a lot of context of why your (and your husband’s) life is so stressful and chaotic.

Op here. I am far from perfect and yeah we struggle but I simply won’t accept that it’s unusual for a just turned 5 year old with SN to struggle with wiping. It’s not abnormal. I’m happy for you that your kids didn’t, that is awesome.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.

Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.

Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.

So which is it op SN or not?

You might want to sort that out and then you can figure out support and therapies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.

Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.

And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

I do not like your husband. I do not think you should like your husband! This is not ok! I'm not saying you should leave, but it seems like at this point you should assume he's going to be totally unhelpful and figure out how to structure your life around that. Do you ever get a break? Do you have any child care? Why are you going on a vacation that is going to stress you out further with two people who are contemptuous of you?

Op here. Gosh. This feels true and also cuts to the bone. I do think they are contemptuous of me. It does feel like contempt. And it really hurts. My own dad doesn’t seem to like me.

There are people who like you and other people who would like you if they knew you. You do not deserve how you are being treated here.

Op here. Thanks. I don’t understand why they dislike me so much. I think I just keep wanting it to turn out differently.

It’s not like I forced them to come on the trip. I shared all the details. I tried to engage them in the process. My dad could have just said no. DH could have proposed alternatives or said he didn’t want to do this.

One of the most useful things I got from couples' therapy was hearing my husband say that he purposely hurt me because he liked hurting me. He resented that I seemed competent and in control and he liked seeing me fail. So maybe it's that. Who knows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

I think it's worth unpacking this a bit - like, what is your husband's bottom line perspective about this? That the injuries and dirty butts and glass on the floor and hungry kids are not a problem? That they will resolve themselves? That he's following your dad's lead, so everything is fine? I'd just try to dig into.... who does he think will solve these problems? Does he agree that they are problems? If not, why? Is he open to a parenting class that you could take together? This is obviously way bigger than a vacation issue.

Op here. It’s hard for me to really know what the issue is, because again, the dynamic is that if I SAY ANYTHING WHATSOEVER it is received as if I’m a shrew. DH becomes shut down and disassociated very quickly when confronted, even if I use a neutral tone.

But the general reaction would immediately be that I am overreacting and that everything is fine and that they were totally going to get to the shattered glass/feces/mealtime. The problem is me raising the problem, not the problem itself.

Your husband is abusing you, OP. That is straight up psychological abuse. He’s neglecting his children and abusing them by drawing them into his sick psychological games where he is the innocent victim and you are the evil ogre.

I endorse the poster who suggested you start making your exit plans and kick him to the curb.

OP chose to marry and have kids with an autistic man. Neither adult has great executive functions, and the kids are SN and hard to manage.

So, OP can set up systems, a home organizer a few times a year, childcare, including on vacations, etc. Or can split and have the kids have sub-optimal care 50% of the time with far less $ for therapies, etc. or a special needs trust if that is needed one day. OP, you should have this transferred to the SN forum, typical advice is not going to be of much use.

OP, you can deal with the reality of the situation and set it up for success as if you were a single parent, with more funds, or be a single parent, with less funds. And have your kids have a much harder time as they shuttle back and forth. For my SN child the anxiety and extra demands on executive functions really stalled out social progress she had been making.

You and your husband need help from a psychologist who is trained to work with neurodivergent families. This is likely a factor for both of you, for example. https://www.spectrumlife.org/blog/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-677

Divorce is really rough on SN kids and the financial stressors on the adults are no joke either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did the therapy not help?

You say a doctor wouldn't prescribe ADHD meds for him, why is that?

Op here. The first therapist I felt really bought into the narrative that I am a controlling shrew and that DH is this well meaning dad who just can’t meet my unreasonable expectations. She would side with him. There was data I could have presented to help her understand the level of neglect, but I hesitated to share that information because I didn’t want CPS involved and worry that she’d have to call them if I told her some of the incidents that happened.

The second therapist was more balanced and I thought maybe could have helped us but mostly we’d go to therapy, bring up a bunch of bad feelings, never get to any resolution, and the bad feelings would just linger until the next appointment. Also,DH would put on a show of participation during the session but I did all the work: all the scheduling, arranging, insurance, finding the therapist, etc. It was just another thing I was forcing on my DH and that he was doing to shut me up. I don’t think he actually wanted to be there or believed we needed it.

It has to be someone who understands neurodivergence and masking, OP. Otherwise it's a complete waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, stop excusing and enabling your DH's behavior with cutesie names like "absent minded professor". Your DH is overwhelmed, and so are you.

Does your DH have ASD?

+1

Though this reads like a Troll lift from previous posts.

Even includes poop references, prob that how many times do you change your underwear weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.

I think it's worth unpacking this a bit - like, what is your husband's bottom line perspective about this? That the injuries and dirty butts and glass on the floor and hungry kids are not a problem? That they will resolve themselves? That he's following your dad's lead, so everything is fine? I'd just try to dig into.... who does he think will solve these problems? Does he agree that they are problems? If not, why? Is he open to a parenting class that you could take together? This is obviously way bigger than a vacation issue.

Op here. It’s hard for me to really know what the issue is, because again, the dynamic is that if I SAY ANYTHING WHATSOEVER it is received as if I’m a shrew. DH becomes shut down and disassociated very quickly when confronted, even if I use a neutral tone.

But the general reaction would immediately be that I am overreacting and that everything is fine and that they were totally going to get to the shattered glass/feces/mealtime. The problem is me raising the problem, not the problem itself.

Your husband is abusing you, OP. That is straight up psychological abuse. He’s neglecting his children and abusing them by drawing them into his sick psychological games where he is the innocent victim and you are the evil ogre.

I endorse the poster who suggested you start making your exit plans and kick him to the curb.

OP chose to marry and have kids with an autistic man. Neither adult has great executive functions, and the kids are SN and hard to manage.

So, OP can set up systems, a home organizer a few times a year, childcare, including on vacations, etc. Or can split and have the kids have sub-optimal care 50% of the time with far less $ for therapies, etc. or a special needs trust if that is needed one day. OP, you should have this transferred to the SN forum, typical advice is not going to be of much use.

OP, you can deal with the reality of the situation and set it up for success as if you were a single parent, with more funds, or be a single parent, with less funds. And have your kids have a much harder time as they shuttle back and forth. For my SN child the anxiety and extra demands on executive functions really stalled out social progress she had been making.

You and your husband need help from a psychologist who is trained to work with neurodivergent families. This is likely a factor for both of you, for example. https://www.spectrumlife.org/blog/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-677

Divorce is really rough on SN kids and the financial stressors on the adults are no joke either.

Op here. My DH has never been diagnosed with ASD. I sometimes have wondered if he’s on the spectrum but he’s never been diagnosed.