Anonymous wrote:First of all, stop excusing and enabling your DH's behavior with cutesie names like "absent minded professor". Your DH is overwhelmed, and so are you.
Does your DH have ASD?
Op here. No. We are both overwhelmed but that’s life-we have young kids, a house, careers, etc. it’s overwhelming but those parameters are what they are.
But you are excusing his behavior, which I reasonably presume is making his behavior spiral down, not get better. You have four kids, did you think it would be easy?
Is he depressed?
Don’t blame her for her husband’s behavior!
OP, sit him down and say he has to carry more weight. He can use charts or reminders in his phone, whatever to help him remember. Look him dead in the eye and say this time you mean it, you are fed up.
If he takes no action, meet with a lawyer and make a plan.
Maybe he was relaxing and thought the kids had an ounce of self sufficiency and that she was crazy and knew better than to intervene because of her overall attitude?
Op here. I don’t get why people are assuming this but my DH does not have ASD. I mean, sometimes I wonder but he’s never been diagnosed with it and we are both in our late 30s.
Anonymous wrote:We are on vacation with our kids and also my dad and it’s not gone well.
I planned and booked the trip. I figured out how to pay for it. I planned the tours. I rented the car and did all the driving. I bought the groceries. I did the laundry on the trip. I packed everything for the kids and I. I studied the maps. I hired the babysitter to give me a break.
But I really got decision fatigue, and I blew up on my DH and my dad and tearfully begged them to please take the next day and plan it. They keep saying they want to “just relax”. I would be thrilled to do that too, but we have 3 boys ages 5, 6, and 7 and relaxing just isn’t going to happen. They need supervision and exercise.
I just….this trip has made me realize I don’t want this life anymore. I feel like my DH is completely checked out of our life. We don’t even sleep in the same room and booked a place with separate bedrooms. DH isn’t interested in sex with me-I’ve tried. We’ve had sex maybe 10 times in the last 5 years.
I told DH over dinner last night that I’m thinking about divorce. And he just responds that things are really stressful but they are going to get easier and then it will be better. But it’s been like this for years.
DH isn’t a bad guy but he’s the quintessential absent minded professor and I’m tired of having to constantly remind him of things and double check everything. I feel like I can’t rely on him for anything because while he is well intentioned, he lacks attention to detail and forgets important things (like medicine for our kids).
We’ve done therapy-it hasn’t helped at all. Is the next step divorce? Or I guess just continuing to live separate lives in the same household?
If your post is true and not a mash up of previous posts saying the same things, then yes, your options are the parallel lives or divorce/coparent.
Maybe an ultimatum that he go on attention meds and see a therapist specializing in adult asd/adhd.
Otherwise keep relegating him to the sidelines so there are less mess ups. And get more rest and fun for yourself. There’s not much you can do for asd/adhd kids or adults if they don’t want to put in the effort themselves. Maybe for kids it’s not a lost cause if you scaffold them up and then take it away slowly.
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.
Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...
the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....
um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.
Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.
So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out
Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.
Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.
Nope.
When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.
They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.
Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."
OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.
Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.
My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.
If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.
Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.
Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.
Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.
And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.
Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.
Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.
Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.
They should be able to wipe themselves at that age. Bidet or no bidet.
Your DH has probably been trained by you not to get in the way of the helicopter blades.
Op here. I don’t know. Maybe start a new thread if you’d like to debate whether 5 and 6 year olds wipe well enough to require no help. Mine do. My 7 year old also did until recently. In the example above that I gave, the 5 year old had an unwiped butt and was naked and ended up smearing feces onto the couch, which I had to clean. It maybe wouldn’t have been a big deal but he was naked.
DP. I think you have bigger problems than one non relaxing vacation. You guys need some serious parenting help if a 5 year old is so dirty he’s “smearing feces onto the couch”. I’m not trying to be rude, but that’s not normal, and gives a lot of context of why your (and your husband’s) life is so stressful and chaotic.
Op here. I am far from perfect and yeah we struggle but I simply won’t accept that it’s unusual for a just turned 5 year old with SN to struggle with wiping. It’s not abnormal. I’m happy for you that your kids didn’t, that is awesome.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
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Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.
Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...
the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....
um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.
Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.
So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out
Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.
Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.
Nope.
When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.
They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.
Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."
OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.
Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.
My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.
If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.
Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.
Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.
Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.
And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.
Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.
Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.
Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.
So which is it op SN or not?
You might want to sort that out and then you can figure out support and therapies.
Op here. Those posts aren’t inconsistent with each other. When I said that the wiping issue is not a special needs issue, I wasn’t saying DS doesn’t have SN. I’m saying the wiping issue is not a result of the SN and is also a challenge for neurotypical kids.
I’m not here to talk about my kids and their diagnoses and challenges. That’s for the SN forum. I’m here posting about my relationship.
Nah, OP. You said you have ADHD and DH has ASD, so both of you have SN as do your kids. This forum is unlikely to be of help. I think you are trolling.
Op here. I’m not a troll and never said DH has ASD.
Anonymous wrote:DP here. I do think ADHD and/or ASD is at play. MIL and FIL were only able to take certain kinds of very, very simple vacations, and only every few years, because otherwise both of them could not handle it.
Any kind of "group activity" was basically hell, so they visited relatives - because if they had an audience, that decreased the likelihood of MIL or FIL having an all out hell based melt down.
Of course, this all trickled down to the kids, into adulthood, and into all aspects of their lives. OP, you need to talk to a professional. This kind of thing really sticks with the kids and adversely affects tehm.
+1
I have in laws like this, all are on the spectrum and they lived a very simple life, same camping trip and same visiting relatives trips.
At first I chalked it up to our different life experiences and how they like to penny pinch and save money, not spend it. Now I know it’s because they get zero utility out of doing new things or traveling, plus go into Shutdown Mode by the end of day 3 of a trip. Like literally don’t even talk in a car ride where the host is driving, they’re out of gas.
It’s DH’s sibling’s child and we’ve had him since he was 2, so he’s very much part of our family now, and I’m not sure if reunification will ever be possible. I don’t think that’s the heart of the issue.
I do actually like my DH in general. I think he’s cute and he’s brilliant and we do have a lot of similar interests and I enjoy talking with him. He’s interesting and does well one on one.
Kids club isn’t possible for 2/3 of our kids. We’ve tried. We stayed at an all inclusive last year and they got kicked out of the kids club because they have behavioral issues and special needs. They can’t even be in daycare.
When I talk about going out and doing activities I literally mean, taking a walk into town, going to the pool, etc. Even galvanizing DH and my father to do these things is a huge undertaking.
I do give very specific instructions to DH but the instructions can never be specific enough. Examples:
-asked him to do laundry. He threw a bunch of stuff in there with sand and now the washer isn’t working and I’m worried the rental is going to pin it on us
-asked him to pack some snacky things for us in the bag since I was stuck watching the kids. We had fruit, crackers, granola bars. He instead took half a loaf of bread and threw it loose into the bag with a jar of peanut butter. No knife. Bread wasn’t in any kind of bag.
-asked him to run to the grocery store. He got maybe half the items on the list. So for example, he got cereal but no milk. He got Mac and cheese but no butter or milk. I had to go back. He said he couldn’t find the stuff.
These examples are just sad. What a doofus.
You guys must be wealthy and/or high income to be doing all these stuff or not working. So that’s good I guess.
Anonymous wrote:Where are you on vacation? I think it’s fine your dad and husband don’t want to go on some excursion one day. Your kids will be fine. Take them to the park, pool, or beach or throw them out in the snow and let them run around for a couple hours. It’s normal to want to relax on vacation.
Doesn’t everyone take a late January/February family vacation?
It’s DH’s sibling’s child and we’ve had him since he was 2, so he’s very much part of our family now, and I’m not sure if reunification will ever be possible. I don’t think that’s the heart of the issue.
I do actually like my DH in general. I think he’s cute and he’s brilliant and we do have a lot of similar interests and I enjoy talking with him. He’s interesting and does well one on one.
Kids club isn’t possible for 2/3 of our kids. We’ve tried. We stayed at an all inclusive last year and they got kicked out of the kids club because they have behavioral issues and special needs. They can’t even be in daycare.
When I talk about going out and doing activities I literally mean, taking a walk into town, going to the pool, etc. Even galvanizing DH and my father to do these things is a huge undertaking.
I do give very specific instructions to DH but the instructions can never be specific enough. Examples:
-asked him to do laundry. He threw a bunch of stuff in there with sand and now the washer isn’t working and I’m worried the rental is going to pin it on us
-asked him to pack some snacky things for us in the bag since I was stuck watching the kids. We had fruit, crackers, granola bars. He instead took half a loaf of bread and threw it loose into the bag with a jar of peanut butter. No knife. Bread wasn’t in any kind of bag.
-asked him to run to the grocery store. He got maybe half the items on the list. So for example, he got cereal but no milk. He got Mac and cheese but no butter or milk. I had to go back. He said he couldn’t find the stuff.
This is weaponized incompetence. You can’t ask him to do this stuff.
I don’t know if you should get divorced or what but stop banging your head against this rock. He’s just not going to step up. He’s going to sit on the couch and watch videos on his phone.
Get with that reality and you can at least start to relax into it. If you come to the other side and decide to split up, it will be more peaceful than if you keep trying to assign him things knowing he’ll f$& up on purpose. He’s a man baby. It is what it is. You’re not going to change him. You have to live the life you have and accept that you might be happier split up. Maybe not! But stop doing what you’re doing now.
+1
Radical acceptance, not of him and his idiocy, but of that’s the F’d up hand you’re dealt here so start managing to that.
Anonymous wrote:Nothing to add except that a large percentage of male professors I have know have been divorced.
And a large % of working ASD men migrate to academics and professoring. Slow pace, teach the same classes each year, lecture in your fave topics, sit around, home life is a $hit$how.
It’s DH’s sibling’s child and we’ve had him since he was 2, so he’s very much part of our family now, and I’m not sure if reunification will ever be possible. I don’t think that’s the heart of the issue.
I do actually like my DH in general. I think he’s cute and he’s brilliant and we do have a lot of similar interests and I enjoy talking with him. He’s interesting and does well one on one.
Kids club isn’t possible for 2/3 of our kids. We’ve tried. We stayed at an all inclusive last year and they got kicked out of the kids club because they have behavioral issues and special needs. They can’t even be in daycare.
When I talk about going out and doing activities I literally mean, taking a walk into town, going to the pool, etc. Even galvanizing DH and my father to do these things is a huge undertaking.
I do give very specific instructions to DH but the instructions can never be specific enough. Examples:
-asked him to do laundry. He threw a bunch of stuff in there with sand and now the washer isn’t working and I’m worried the rental is going to pin it on us
-asked him to pack some snacky things for us in the bag since I was stuck watching the kids. We had fruit, crackers, granola bars. He instead took half a loaf of bread and threw it loose into the bag with a jar of peanut butter. No knife. Bread wasn’t in any kind of bag.
-asked him to run to the grocery store. He got maybe half the items on the list. So for example, he got cereal but no milk. He got Mac and cheese but no butter or milk. I had to go back. He said he couldn’t find the stuff.
If he is claiming to be legitimately unable to find butter/milk in a grocery store (and apparently also unable to ask a store worker for assistance) then he’s either a complete moron or an a**hole/liar. In this case I would laugh in his face and tell him to go back and try again rather than step in and do it for him.
This.
Rinse and repeat.
Sounds like he’s the type it takes 2-3 trips to the store to get the right things.
And yea, he’s a bonafide moran. To not know butter is refrigerated or what sections to look.
Anonymous wrote:OCD + ADHD is the hardest combination for a marriage. It takes a ton of extra marital work for both, and both need ot be able to understand the other's brain because two brains could not be more different in terms of what matters, what is noticed, what brings pleasure, what is triggering, etc. Polar opposite disorders and both very strong in their beliefs about what is a need.
No one here is OCD.
There’s a ton of basic stuff her spouse ain’t doing, that’s not her being OCD to point that out.
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.
Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...
the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....
um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.
Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.
So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out
Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.
Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.
Nope.
When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.
They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.
Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."
OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.
Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.
My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.
If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.
Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.
Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.
Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.
And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.
Okay clearly your DH is a major issue but have to ask why you are even taking your dad on vacation with you? It sounds like he is just another source of resentment- enabling dH and compounding the problem. You sound like a glutton for punishment.
Op here. I don’t think we’d do it again. In the past my dad has been more helpful. On this trip he hasn’t done much. My dad will sometimes take one kid to do an activity, but what’s happened is he only wants to deal with the easiest kid, and then he only wants to do it on his timeframe, and only wants to do the activities that he wants to do, even if the kid isn’t really interested. So it isn’t really helpful anymore.
Really my dad, DH, and I all struggle to handle the kids individually. They are a lot.
Where’s your mom in all this? Are they divorced or is he widowed?
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.
Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...
the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....
um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.
Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.
So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out
Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.
Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.
Nope.
When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.
They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.
Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."
OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.
Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.
My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.
If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.
Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.
Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.
Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.
And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.
Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.
Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.
Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.
Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...
the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....
um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.
Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.
So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out
Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.
Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.
Nope.
When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.
They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.
Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."
OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.
Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.
My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.
If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.
Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.
Op here. It would be absolute heaven if my dad and DH would just take the kids and let me do my own thing for an afternoon or a day.
Instead what happens is I do very much reach my max, but when I say “I’m stepping out for a break, you guys are in charge”, the reaction is that I’m the bad guy/jerk and the vibe for the whole day is bad. Even the kids asked me the last time this happened “why are you yelling at Dad???”. I wasn’t even yelling, just speaking forcefully.
And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.
Unwiped butts? Plural? If you have a 5, 6, and 7 year old who are such high/special needs that they can’t even manage to wipe their own butts, I’m not sure why you think any vacation would be relaxing.
Head over to the special needs forum and ask for help planning vacations with special needs kids.
Op here. They are potty trained but yes still get help with wiping. This is not a SN thing, it’s a little boys thing. We have a bidet at home so they just use that and haven’t gotten enough practice wiping I think.
They should be able to wipe themselves at that age. Bidet or no bidet.
Your DH has probably been trained by you not to get in the way of the helicopter blades.
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I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.