Reply to Absent minded professor DH and vacation

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Absent minded professor DH and vacation"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
And then when I’m gone, bad things happen. I’ll come back to multiple injuries, unwiped butts, glass on the floor, and the kids will not have eaten anything and the needs will be overwhelming the instant I come back. DH and my dad will be freshly showered and chilling on the couch. It’s truly astonishing. And I’m the ahole when I object.[/quote]

I think it's worth unpacking this a bit - like, what is your husband's bottom line perspective about this? That the injuries and dirty butts and glass on the floor and hungry kids are not a problem? That they will resolve themselves? That he's following your dad's lead, so everything is fine? I'd just try to dig into.... who does he think will solve these problems? Does he agree that they are problems? If not, why? Is he open to a parenting class that you could take together? This is obviously way bigger than a vacation issue.
[/quote]

Op here. It’s hard for me to really know what the issue is, because again, the dynamic is that if I SAY ANYTHING WHATSOEVER it is received as if I’m a shrew. DH becomes shut down and disassociated very quickly when confronted, even if I use a neutral tone.

But the general reaction would immediately be that I am overreacting and that everything is fine and that they were totally going to get to the shattered glass/feces/mealtime. The problem is me raising the problem, not the problem itself.[/quote]

Your husband is abusing you, OP. That is straight up psychological abuse. He’s neglecting his children and abusing them by drawing them into his sick psychological games where he is the innocent victim and you are the evil ogre.

I endorse the poster who suggested you start making your exit plans and kick him to the curb. [/quote]

OP chose to marry and have kids with an autistic man. Neither adult has great executive functions, and the kids are SN and hard to manage.

So, OP can set up systems, a home organizer a few times a year, childcare, including on vacations, etc. Or can split and have the kids have sub-optimal care 50% of the time with far less $ for therapies, etc. or a special needs trust if that is needed one day. OP, you should have this transferred to the SN forum, typical advice is not going to be of much use.

OP, you can deal with the reality of the situation and set it up for success as if you were a single parent, with more funds, or be a single parent, with less funds. And have your kids have a much harder time as they shuttle back and forth. For my SN child the anxiety and extra demands on executive functions really stalled out social progress she had been making.

You and your husband need help from a psychologist who is trained to work with neurodivergent families. This is likely a factor for both of you, for example. https://www.spectrumlife.org/blog/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-677

Divorce is really rough on SN kids and the financial stressors on the adults are no joke either. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics