Absent minded professor DH and vacation

[Anonymous]

We are on vacation with our kids and also my dad and it’s not gone well.

I planned and booked the trip. I figured out how to pay for it. I planned the tours. I rented the car and did all the driving. I bought the groceries. I did the laundry on the trip. I packed everything for the kids and I. I studied the maps. I hired the babysitter to give me a break.

But I really got decision fatigue, and I blew up on my DH and my dad and tearfully begged them to please take the next day and plan it. They keep saying they want to “just relax”. I would be thrilled to do that too, but we have 3 boys ages 5, 6, and 7 and relaxing just isn’t going to happen. They need supervision and exercise.

I just….this trip has made me realize I don’t want this life anymore. I feel like my DH is completely checked out of our life. We don’t even sleep in the same room and booked a place with separate bedrooms. DH isn’t interested in sex with me-I’ve tried. We’ve had sex maybe 10 times in the last 5 years.

I told DH over dinner last night that I’m thinking about divorce. And he just responds that things are really stressful but they are going to get easier and then it will be better. But it’s been like this for years.

DH isn’t a bad guy but he’s the quintessential absent minded professor and I’m tired of having to constantly remind him of things and double check everything. I feel like I can’t rely on him for anything because while he is well intentioned, he lacks attention to detail and forgets important things (like medicine for our kids).

We’ve done therapy-it hasn’t helped at all. Is the next step divorce? Or I guess just continuing to live separate lives in the same household?

[Anonymous]

First of all, stop excusing and enabling your DH's behavior with cutesie names like "absent minded professor". Your DH is overwhelmed, and so are you.

Does your DH have ASD?

[Anonymous]

OP, you may want to consider waiting to divorce until the kids are older and more self sufficient. If they are with him 50% of the time and he forgets meds, at those ages, they can't really be parentified yet.

Your father and husband sound similar. In the meantime, I'd perhaps do some therapy around why you chose DH and codependency (try coda.org) so future picks may be better.

I'd continue to prioritize the kids' well being, safety and things like getting meds until a bit older. Your DH will not change as a caregiver and may worsen in midlife.

To cope in the meantime, lower expectations re: trips, activities, etc., try to have more routines so you do not have so much pressure on yourself. One thing to consider - is it possible both you and DH have untreated ADD? Do some reading at the Additude website and see if things seem familiar. Any of the kids have a diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, stop excusing and enabling your DH's behavior with cutesie names like "absent minded professor". Your DH is overwhelmed, and so are you.

Does your DH have ASD?

Op here. No. We are both overwhelmed but that’s life-we have young kids, a house, careers, etc. it’s overwhelming but those parameters are what they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, stop excusing and enabling your DH's behavior with cutesie names like "absent minded professor". Your DH is overwhelmed, and so are you.

Does your DH have ASD?

Op here. No. We are both overwhelmed but that’s life-we have young kids, a house, careers, etc. it’s overwhelming but those parameters are what they are.

But you are excusing his behavior, which I reasonably presume is making his behavior spiral down, not get better. You have four kids, did you think it would be easy?

Is he depressed?

[Anonymous]

Where are you on vacation? I think it’s fine your dad and husband don’t want to go on some excursion one day. Your kids will be fine. Take them to the park, pool, or beach or throw them out in the snow and let them run around for a couple hours. It’s normal to want to relax on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, stop excusing and enabling your DH's behavior with cutesie names like "absent minded professor". Your DH is overwhelmed, and so are you.

Does your DH have ASD?

Op here. No. We are both overwhelmed but that’s life-we have young kids, a house, careers, etc. it’s overwhelming but those parameters are what they are.

But you are excusing his behavior, which I reasonably presume is making his behavior spiral down, not get better. You have four kids, did you think it would be easy?

Is he depressed?

Op here. We have 3 kids (well, we have 2 but are long term fostering the 6 year old for a sibling who is struggling).

He’s not depressed.

I hate his behavior and am not excusing it. I’m just completely resigned. I’ve gotten him a medical check up, I’ve gone to therapy (as a couple and individually), I’ve deployed all kids of strategies and techniques for coping with his ADHD/forgetfulness/unreliability. He is who he is and I’ve accepted that I cannot change him or convince him to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you on vacation? I think it’s fine your dad and husband don’t want to go on some excursion one day. Your kids will be fine. Take them to the park, pool, or beach or throw them out in the snow and let them run around for a couple hours. It’s normal to want to relax on vacation.

Op here. Their definition of relax means we wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything. So that’s simply not an option. It doesn’t have to be a formal structured tour, but for me getting our kids outside and exercising them is 100% non-negotiable (because the alternative is they become whiny and destructive if left to their own devices in the Airbnb).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you may want to consider waiting to divorce until the kids are older and more self sufficient. If they are with him 50% of the time and he forgets meds, at those ages, they can't really be parentified yet.

Your father and husband sound similar. In the meantime, I'd perhaps do some therapy around why you chose DH and codependency (try coda.org) so future picks may be better.

I'd continue to prioritize the kids' well being, safety and things like getting meds until a bit older. Your DH will not change as a caregiver and may worsen in midlife.

To cope in the meantime, lower expectations re: trips, activities, etc., try to have more routines so you do not have so much pressure on yourself. One thing to consider - is it possible both you and DH have untreated ADD? Do some reading at the Additude website and see if things seem familiar. Any of the kids have a diagnosis?

Op here. When do you think is the best age for divorcing?

2/3 kids have diagnoses.

I have ADHD but it’s well managed with medication, therapy, exercise, and diet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, stop excusing and enabling your DH's behavior with cutesie names like "absent minded professor". Your DH is overwhelmed, and so are you.

Does your DH have ASD?

Op here. No. We are both overwhelmed but that’s life-we have young kids, a house, careers, etc. it’s overwhelming but those parameters are what they are.

But your husband is good at his job, right? So he’s capable of functioning when its important to him.

[Anonymous]

My marriage wouldn’t survive having three kids those ages.

You can’t really make another adult do something. If you get divorced, he’ll have 50% custody and he’ll do what he wants with them anyway.

If you need a “dad day” you have to just physically leave. Maybe take one kid for some special one on one time. Let the other two whine and be destructive at the air bnb until someone takes them to a playground.

[Anonymous]

Since you know the area, why don't you take the car and leave the kids with your husband and dad and let them figure it out?

It sounds like you grew up with this kind of father figure and that's what you've manufactured in your own life. I grew up with a very involved father so I sought out a man who would also be a very involved father.

Your husband sounds like he doesn't care whether or not you stay married, which to me would be a deal breaker. My husband and I have never said we would divorce, but if we did, the other one of us would flip out.

I think you need to decide what YOU want and then do it. (And what you want can't involve other people changing, since it doesn't sound like that will happen). Good luck.

[Anonymous]

What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

[Anonymous]

Stop vacationing in places that need so much planning.

women do things they want and their H's don't really care about and then get all on their soap box that they do everything.

Find a nice family trip that does not need that much planning. Just have breakfast food at home and order in or eat out.

Stop planning tours, this is not a middle school field trip.

You did laundry on vacation.. you are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.