Send Mom to nursing home?

[Anonymous]

Wow, this was not the thread I was expecting when I opened it. At all.

OP, first, you should be prepared that the house was not properly sheltered when you had the legal work done in 2010 (?). There are a lot of lawyers who claim they know how to do this but truly do not and families end up spending money on legal fees for naught.

Second, please get home care for your mom. At a minimum, it would be for the weekdays when no one is at home. You may not like it, but it is what it is. $6500/month will get your mom a good degree of coverage. Go with a CNA, not a home aide, who might not know what they are doing and/or balk at being asked to do certain tasks as they are “not a CNA.”

Third, investigate if the house is sheltered and also look into what, if any, government programs exist for your mom. Find out what nursing homes have “Medicaid beds” and the process for admission. Some allow you to enter and private pay while you apply. Some are helpful with the application while others expect you to do it on your own (don’t do it on your own but seek outside advice - the apps can be very complicated).

Finally, heed others advice here that you may risk your relationship with your sibling if you do not care for your mom at home. Sometimes siblings insist on care steps that are not grounded in reality. Your sibling’s request for your mom to remain at home, however, seems eminently reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I say find a facility. My parents did well and enjoyed the socialization with people their own age. She needs way more care than is appropriate for you to manage. She also needs an electric scooter to get around. Likely Medicare will pay.

I would not aim for a facility where you/and or siblings have to kick-in extra money. There are good people everywhere. Good people work at all kinds of elderly care places.

I used to work in that type of nursing home. I would rather be euthanized than live my remaining years in that type of facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I say find a facility. My parents did well and enjoyed the socialization with people their own age. She needs way more care than is appropriate for you to manage. She also needs an electric scooter to get around. Likely Medicare will pay.

I would not aim for a facility where you/and or siblings have to kick-in extra money. There are good people everywhere. Good people work at all kinds of elderly care places.

I used to work in that type of nursing home. I would rather be euthanized than live my remaining years in that type of facility.

What type of facility is that?

[Anonymous]

My dad died about 10 years ago and my mom's health was run down from caring for him. She went into assisted living and we've been doing that for about $11k per month. Their savings are all gone and the proceeds from the house are all gone, so she is moving to a county-run facility where she can stay until she dies.

In the end, it's all just gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad died about 10 years ago and my mom's health was run down from caring for him. She went into assisted living and we've been doing that for about $11k per month. Their savings are all gone and the proceeds from the house are all gone, so she is moving to a county-run facility where she can stay until she dies.

In the end, it's all just gone.

Yes, alas, that's how it plays out. I tried to do everything I could to save something from my parents for my siblings, but it just wasn't possible.

It's unfortunate because the people who would most benefit from an intergenerational transfer of wealth are the least likely to receive it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I and our adult kids all pitched in to take care of our mom at the end. We had an aide 8-4 M-F but we did the rest. It was not a burden or a nightmare, it was a privilege.

I don't know why you don't want to expose your kids to the normal ageing and dying process, they've already seen a lot of it. It won't hurt them to see the rest.

Wow…respect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I say find a facility. My parents did well and enjoyed the socialization with people their own age. She needs way more care than is appropriate for you to manage. She also needs an electric scooter to get around. Likely Medicare will pay.

I would not aim for a facility where you/and or siblings have to kick-in extra money. There are good people everywhere. Good people work at all kinds of elderly care places.

I used to work in that type of nursing home. I would rather be euthanized than live my remaining years in that type of facility.

What type of facility is that?

The kind that stink like urine and have staff that clearly are not happy to be working there (can you blame them?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I say find a facility. My parents did well and enjoyed the socialization with people their own age. She needs way more care than is appropriate for you to manage. She also needs an electric scooter to get around. Likely Medicare will pay.

I would not aim for a facility where you/and or siblings have to kick-in extra money. There are good people everywhere. Good people work at all kinds of elderly care places.

I used to work in that type of nursing home. I would rather be euthanized than live my remaining years in that type of facility.

What type of facility is that?

The kind that stink like urine and have staff that clearly are not happy to be working there (can you blame them?).

Do you get that based on what OP said they can pay? I'm just trying to understand how you know what kind of facility it is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this was not the thread I was expecting when I opened it. At all.

OP, first, you should be prepared that the house was not properly sheltered when you had the legal work done in 2010 (?). There are a lot of lawyers who claim they know how to do this but truly do not and families end up spending money on legal fees for naught.

Second, please get home care for your mom. At a minimum, it would be for the weekdays when no one is at home. You may not like it, but it is what it is. $6500/month will get your mom a good degree of coverage. Go with a CNA, not a home aide, who might not know what they are doing and/or balk at being asked to do certain tasks as they are “not a CNA.”

Third, investigate if the house is sheltered and also look into what, if any, government programs exist for your mom. Find out what nursing homes have “Medicaid beds” and the process for admission. Some allow you to enter and private pay while you apply. Some are helpful with the application while others expect you to do it on your own (don’t do it on your own but seek outside advice - the apps can be very complicated).

Finally, heed others advice here that you may risk your relationship with your sibling if you do not care for your mom at home. Sometimes siblings insist on care steps that are not grounded in reality. Your sibling’s request for your mom to remain at home, however, seems eminently reasonable.

What sort of thread were you expecting, out of curiosity?
I agree with your advice however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I say find a facility. My parents did well and enjoyed the socialization with people their own age. She needs way more care than is appropriate for you to manage. She also needs an electric scooter to get around. Likely Medicare will pay.

I would not aim for a facility where you/and or siblings have to kick-in extra money. There are good people everywhere. Good people work at all kinds of elderly care places.

I used to work in that type of nursing home. I would rather be euthanized than live my remaining years in that type of facility.

I wish that was an option after dealing with a nursing home for my MIL. It was horrible.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry so many of the posts are so harsh.

It's important to realize that old people fall. What keeps them from falling in a nursing home environment is drugging them up and/or tying them down.

My mother had in-home care where we basically paid someone to follow her around 24-7 to catch her when she fell. And she still fell.

Quality of life is more important than duration of life at this point IMO.

Whatever you decide, do not sign up for a monthly expenditure under the assumption that she will only live for a few years. You never know. Both my parents and my MIL lived to their mid-90s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this was not the thread I was expecting when I opened it. At all.

OP, first, you should be prepared that the house was not properly sheltered when you had the legal work done in 2010 (?). There are a lot of lawyers who claim they know how to do this but truly do not and families end up spending money on legal fees for naught.

Second, please get home care for your mom. At a minimum, it would be for the weekdays when no one is at home. You may not like it, but it is what it is. $6500/month will get your mom a good degree of coverage. Go with a CNA, not a home aide, who might not know what they are doing and/or balk at being asked to do certain tasks as they are “not a CNA.”

Third, investigate if the house is sheltered and also look into what, if any, government programs exist for your mom. Find out what nursing homes have “Medicaid beds” and the process for admission. Some allow you to enter and private pay while you apply. Some are helpful with the application while others expect you to do it on your own (don’t do it on your own but seek outside advice - the apps can be very complicated).

Finally, heed others advice here that you may risk your relationship with your sibling if you do not care for your mom at home. Sometimes siblings insist on care steps that are not grounded in reality. Your sibling’s request for your mom to remain at home, however, seems eminently reasonable.

What sort of thread were you expecting, out of curiosity?
I agree with your advice however.

Perhaps some more compassion for the mother and a little less transactional. Let's say the house is protected and will not have to be sold in order for the mom to receive Medicaid, I then wonder if OP plans to buy out her sister or claim it as her due for "taking care" of their mother.

I do have sympathy for adult children who quit their jobs, take care of their aging parents, then are forced out of the family home to satisfy Medicaid. Struggling here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another option is home health/someone that comes in for several hours or even 24.

OP said in their first post that she and her spouse are not comfortable with that. They don't have an extra bedroom for a 24 hour live in, and they don't want random helpers coming in and out (and there would likely be frequent turnover/substitutes.)

When it comes to these kind of situations, we have to make adjustments.

+1 - OP, I think you pretty much made the commitment to live with your elderly mother so she could stay in her home and that's what you need to do. I definitely see your side of it, but I also very much see the side where you are moving your mother out of her home because it's more comfortable for your family.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, she will continue to fall, no matter where she lives--plan on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry so many of the posts are so harsh.

It's important to realize that old people fall. What keeps them from falling in a nursing home environment is drugging them up and/or tying them down.

My mother had in-home care where we basically paid someone to follow her around 24-7 to catch her when she fell. And she still fell.

Quality of life is more important than duration of life at this point IMO.

Whatever you decide, do not sign up for a monthly expenditure under the assumption that she will only live for a few years. You never know. Both my parents and my MIL lived to their mid-90s.

News flash--nursing homes don't do either of those things. They are chemical or physical restraints and do not happen. Heavy medication will in fact cause her to fall more