Send Mom to nursing home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread, but lots of it. Am I the only one that thinks OP is acting like quite the grifter here? If Mom sells her house, she can probably afford the $10,000 per month it will cost to move to a lovely memory care unit at a good nursing facility. OP is "willing to chip in?" While she's living for free in her mom's house? I am disgusted by this whole thing, honestly.

Largely agree with you (as have others), though I softened a bit after the most recent post. Would like to know more about OP's family's financial situation before I decide "full grifter." Also hope that the sibling is not screwed out of money by OP living in the mom's home after the mom passes.

Largely *dis*agree with you (as have others). OP moved in during pandemic to care for mom, has arguably put her career on hold, and has helped pay the mortgage throughout. They have paid refurbishments to the house (which they are not selling as per Mom’s wishes). Now following some debate will bring Mom home as her condition continues to worsen, and will help pay for her care.

The other Sister has already declared that she cannot help pay or care for mother and stands to earn money on all of this when her share of the home (which they will both inherit) is bought out.

Doesn’t sound like a grifter to me but rather someone who in many ways has been left holding the bag…which sadly happened to me with my parents. I am very sympathetic to OP

Fair points. Look, I think OP came across as a bit glib in the earlier posts about sticking her mom somewhere @ $6500/month, etc. As the posts went on, she provided more detail and became more sympathetic, especially when talking about how to pursue next steps.

These situations are not easy. I know folks who moved into their parents' homes at key times w/o any prior discussion with siblings, then took the house/land for what they could and depriving their siblings of any asset accumulation. I hope OP and sibling can work it out for the benefit of their mom and for each other.

[Anonymous]

OP needs to move out ASAP. This is not sustainable. What about OP’s in-laws? Will she and her husband have to care for them as well as their children. It was a a mistake to mi e in with mom. She needs to sell the house and move into a facility of some sort that she can afford eventually with Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to move out ASAP. This is not sustainable. What about OP’s in-laws? Will she and her husband have to care for them as well as their children. It was a a mistake to mi e in with mom. She needs to sell the house and move into a facility of some sort that she can afford eventually with Medicaid.

If the paper work was handled correctly, the house can remain in the family, and there is not a lot of asset accumulation, then more power to them as the mom should be able to qualify for Medicaid when needed. Wish that could've happened for my family, especially for my siblings who could use the money, but was not possible.

[Anonymous]

OP, a couple of things:

-- there are also Adult Day Care places that might be appropriate if in-home care doesn't work

-- If she does need to go to a home, depending on your state, there may be a county aging office that can help sort out medicaid

-- if you can do private pay at a nursing home, even for, say, 6 months, you will have better choices than if you started somewhere as a medicaid patient: most places accept both, and a case can be made that her staying where she's been living after she converts to medicaid


I'm sorry--we're going through this, too, but without the house issue. There's no ideal solution--just hugs to you as you sort this out.

[Anonymous]

Since she falls a lot, I would think a wheelchair and a home health aide might help. If that doesn't work out, you could try a nursing home later. I don't have experience but a family member who was falling a lot and needing surgeries got a wheelchair recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hi, OP here.

Mom will be in the rehab center for a few more weeks. We’re planning around a departure by middle of December. She really wants to be home for Xmas.

At the moment we have decided to bring her home. We are looking at the outset for proper in home care, starting out with (ideally) M-F from 8-6pm and will see how we go. As we understand Medicare covers 16 hours per week of care and we would pay the difference. All to be finalized over the next few weeks.

She is doing better and getting some of her mobility back, but her doctor has acknowledged that her condition is likely to only worsen. Even he said that a proper facility may be better for her down the line. My sister agrees too.

We have had elderly relatives move to such places, so we understand many of the various pros and many cons.

We are speaking with a lawyer focusing on elder law and estate planning, regarding her Will, Life Estate, POA/Health Care Proxy. These 4 documents were drawn up at different times by 3 different lawyers so we are checking that these (holistically speaking) are consistent with each other and there are no gaps. We also just learned that she never actually even signed the POA/HCP after they were sent to her 2 years ago so need to get that sorted out. It’s a bit messy.

The lawyer is also looking at ways to ensure whether she complies with any Medicaid income requirements (ie involving a community trust). This way we can hopefully make it affordable for all.

Thank for everyone’s perspectives here, it is very complicated and a steep learning curve to understand during a stressful time.

Good luck. I’d double check the assumption that Medicare will pay for 16 hrs/week off in home care. That doesn’t sound consistent with my understanding.

Never heard of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread, but lots of it. Am I the only one that thinks OP is acting like quite the grifter here? If Mom sells her house, she can probably afford the $10,000 per month it will cost to move to a lovely memory care unit at a good nursing facility. OP is "willing to chip in?" While she's living for free in her mom's house? I am disgusted by this whole thing, honestly.

Largely agree with you (as have others), though I softened a bit after the most recent post. Would like to know more about OP's family's financial situation before I decide "full grifter." Also hope that the sibling is not screwed out of money by OP living in the mom's home after the mom passes.

Largely *dis*agree with you (as have others). OP moved in during pandemic to care for mom, has arguably put her career on hold, and has helped pay the mortgage throughout. They have paid refurbishments to the house (which they are not selling as per Mom’s wishes). Now following some debate will bring Mom home as her condition continues to worsen, and will help pay for her care.

The other Sister has already declared that she cannot help pay or care for mother and stands to earn money on all of this when her share of the home (which they will both inherit) is bought out.

Doesn’t sound like a grifter to me but rather someone who in many ways has been left holding the bag…which sadly happened to me with my parents. I am very sympathetic to OP

OP remodeling is her choice and a bad idea. She should have been paying rent. Sister should not pay for care out of her pocket. House gets sold to pay for a nursing home/assisted living until that money runs dry and then she goes to a nursing home on long term medicaid. OP is doing a house grab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should probably have in the neighborhood of 170K from the rent you've been paying since 2020 (back of the envelope of course, might be a little high). Would that help with the expenses?

Have you ever considered that op moved in to help and now the care demands exceed capacity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread, but lots of it. Am I the only one that thinks OP is acting like quite the grifter here? If Mom sells her house, she can probably afford the $10,000 per month it will cost to move to a lovely memory care unit at a good nursing facility. OP is "willing to chip in?" While she's living for free in her mom's house? I am disgusted by this whole thing, honestly.

Largely agree with you (as have others), though I softened a bit after the most recent post. Would like to know more about OP's family's financial situation before I decide "full grifter." Also hope that the sibling is not screwed out of money by OP living in the mom's home after the mom passes.

Largely *dis*agree with you (as have others). OP moved in during pandemic to care for mom, has arguably put her career on hold, and has helped pay the mortgage throughout. They have paid refurbishments to the house (which they are not selling as per Mom’s wishes). Now following some debate will bring Mom home as her condition continues to worsen, and will help pay for her care.

The other Sister has already declared that she cannot help pay or care for mother and stands to earn money on all of this when her share of the home (which they will both inherit) is bought out.

Doesn’t sound like a grifter to me but rather someone who in many ways has been left holding the bag…which sadly happened to me with my parents. I am very sympathetic to OP

OP remodeling is her choice and a bad idea. She should have been paying rent. Sister should not pay for care out of her pocket. House gets sold to pay for a nursing home/assisted living until that money runs dry and then she goes to a nursing home on long term medicaid. OP is doing a house grab.

You have poor reading comprehension skills.