Send Mom to nursing home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I and our adult kids all pitched in to take care of our mom at the end. We had an aide 8-4 M-F but we did the rest. It was not a burden or a nightmare, it was a privilege.

I don't know why you don't want to expose your kids to the normal ageing and dying process, they've already seen a lot of it. It won't hurt them to see the rest.

Really? Was she incontinent? Did you have to change diapers? Was she able to get in a shower? Or was she unstable so cleaning required a sponge bath? Did you worry about properly cleaning her genitals and buttom to ensure everything was clean, to prevent infections? Could she support her own weight during the process or did it require two people?

[Anonymous]

FYI I visited an elderly aunt in a midrange nursing home once a week and they asked me for help in showering and changing her diaper when I was there. There is a severe shortage of staff willing to do this kind of work and if you think your relative is going to get attentive care, that someone is going to help them to eat, or that they are not going to fall while they are there you are wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, any thoughts here?

[Anonymous]

I’m having trouble imagining that OPs mom was staying alone, getting meals for herself, independently going outside for a walk, then fell and now needs full skilled care nursing home- it’s possible, but not likely. In a nursing home she will be spending the majority of the day in bed, will not be encouraged to move or maintain what strength she has, and will likely become very depressed very quickly.

I agree with those who say quality of life over longevity. It sounds like mom wanted to protect the house so she could stay in it, so I feel OP owes it to her mom to at least try home health for 8-12 hours a day.

Assisted living is also an option, but Medicare won’t pay for that and often the family will need to provide a few hours of personal care/day on top of the monthly rate.

Also agreeing that a nursing home or assisted living provides some relief, but OP should expect to spend time there each week as well as time on the phone handling quite a few things. Consider, with small children that it might be easier in your own home and an atmosphere you can control to some extent, rather than going to a facility where people in wheel chairs line the halls, call out, moan and yell. OP before making a decision you really should visit and spend some time seeing what life is really like.
I am not against facilities, depending on the needs, desires and resources the aging parent has, they can be an excellent option. I have a relative currently moving through the continuum in a CCC from independent to assisted living (after a short stay in rehab) and they are receiving excellent care. They have many friends who visit often and they participate in many activities- classes, concerts, movies, crafts- even though they are not able to live alone. When/if their money runs out, they will qualify for benevolent care, but they had to sell their home and invest in their future to ensure this was the case. For them it was an excellent decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m having trouble imagining that OPs mom was staying alone, getting meals for herself, independently going outside for a walk, then fell and now needs full skilled care nursing home- it’s possible, but not likely. In a nursing home she will be spending the majority of the day in bed, will not be encouraged to move or maintain what strength she has, and will likely become very depressed very quickly.

I agree with those who say quality of life over longevity. It sounds like mom wanted to protect the house so she could stay in it, so I feel OP owes it to her mom to at least try home health for 8-12 hours a day.

Assisted living is also an option, but Medicare won’t pay for that and often the family will need to provide a few hours of personal care/day on top of the monthly rate.

Also agreeing that a nursing home or assisted living provides some relief, but OP should expect to spend time there each week as well as time on the phone handling quite a few things. Consider, with small children that it might be easier in your own home and an atmosphere you can control to some extent, rather than going to a facility where people in wheel chairs line the halls, call out, moan and yell. OP before making a decision you really should visit and spend some time seeing what life is really like.
I am not against facilities, depending on the needs, desires and resources the aging parent has, they can be an excellent option. I have a relative currently moving through the continuum in a CCC from independent to assisted living (after a short stay in rehab) and they are receiving excellent care. They have many friends who visit often and they participate in many activities- classes, concerts, movies, crafts- even though they are not able to live alone. When/if their money runs out, they will qualify for benevolent care, but they had to sell their home and invest in their future to ensure this was the case. For them it was an excellent decision.

Our mom was in a memory care unit at a non-profit nursing home. The patients were up and out of bed every day in whatever way they could be out of bed - two legs, cane, walker, wheel chair. They ate meals together and those who chose watched TV in a common area, participated in strength building/maintaining activities whether by moving around or what they could do in their recliners, sometimes they just popped balloons back and forth to each other. There were always activities going on in the dining area adjacent to the common area. We were so grateful as neither we nor she had the resources for a CCC - much more daily socialization than she was getting at home when she could no longer drive and didn't trust herself to walk 2 long blocks to a small strip shopping center to grab a bite when it was winter.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP here.

Mom will be in the rehab center for a few more weeks. We’re planning around a departure by middle of December. She really wants to be home for Xmas.

At the moment we have decided to bring her home. We are looking at the outset for proper in home care, starting out with (ideally) M-F from 8-6pm and will see how we go. As we understand Medicare covers 16 hours per week of care and we would pay the difference. All to be finalized over the next few weeks.

She is doing better and getting some of her mobility back, but her doctor has acknowledged that her condition is likely to only worsen. Even he said that a proper facility may be better for her down the line. My sister agrees too.

We have had elderly relatives move to such places, so we understand many of the various pros and many cons.

We are speaking with a lawyer focusing on elder law and estate planning, regarding her Will, Life Estate, POA/Health Care Proxy. These 4 documents were drawn up at different times by 3 different lawyers so we are checking that these (holistically speaking) are consistent with each other and there are no gaps. We also just learned that she never actually even signed the POA/HCP after they were sent to her 2 years ago so need to get that sorted out. It’s a bit messy.

The lawyer is also looking at ways to ensure whether she complies with any Medicaid income requirements (ie involving a community trust). This way we can hopefully make it affordable for all.

Thank for everyone’s perspectives here, it is very complicated and a steep learning curve to understand during a stressful time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hi, OP here.

Mom will be in the rehab center for a few more weeks. We’re planning around a departure by middle of December. She really wants to be home for Xmas.

At the moment we have decided to bring her home. We are looking at the outset for proper in home care, starting out with (ideally) M-F from 8-6pm and will see how we go. As we understand Medicare covers 16 hours per week of care and we would pay the difference. All to be finalized over the next few weeks.

She is doing better and getting some of her mobility back, but her doctor has acknowledged that her condition is likely to only worsen. Even he said that a proper facility may be better for her down the line. My sister agrees too.

We have had elderly relatives move to such places, so we understand many of the various pros and many cons.

We are speaking with a lawyer focusing on elder law and estate planning, regarding her Will, Life Estate, POA/Health Care Proxy. These 4 documents were drawn up at different times by 3 different lawyers so we are checking that these (holistically speaking) are consistent with each other and there are no gaps. We also just learned that she never actually even signed the POA/HCP after they were sent to her 2 years ago so need to get that sorted out. It’s a bit messy.

The lawyer is also looking at ways to ensure whether she complies with any Medicaid income requirements (ie involving a community trust). This way we can hopefully make it affordable for all.

Thank for everyone’s perspectives here, it is very complicated and a steep learning curve to understand during a stressful time.

Good luck. I’d double check the assumption that Medicare will pay for 16 hrs/week off in home care. That doesn’t sound consistent with my understanding.

[Anonymous]

Good luck and make sure to enjoy these wonderful times together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hi, OP here.

Mom will be in the rehab center for a few more weeks. We’re planning around a departure by middle of December. She really wants to be home for Xmas.

At the moment we have decided to bring her home. We are looking at the outset for proper in home care, starting out with (ideally) M-F from 8-6pm and will see how we go. As we understand Medicare covers 16 hours per week of care and we would pay the difference. All to be finalized over the next few weeks.

She is doing better and getting some of her mobility back, but her doctor has acknowledged that her condition is likely to only worsen. Even he said that a proper facility may be better for her down the line. My sister agrees too.

We have had elderly relatives move to such places, so we understand many of the various pros and many cons.

We are speaking with a lawyer focusing on elder law and estate planning, regarding her Will, Life Estate, POA/Health Care Proxy. These 4 documents were drawn up at different times by 3 different lawyers so we are checking that these (holistically speaking) are consistent with each other and there are no gaps. We also just learned that she never actually even signed the POA/HCP after they were sent to her 2 years ago so need to get that sorted out. It’s a bit messy.

The lawyer is also looking at ways to ensure whether she complies with any Medicaid income requirements (ie involving a community trust). This way we can hopefully make it affordable for all.

Thank for everyone’s perspectives here, it is very complicated and a steep learning curve to understand during a stressful time.

OP, regarding the community trust, does this apply when the individual owns their home? I'd only heard about regarding rentals.

GL on next steps - best to your mom, you, and your family.

[Anonymous]

I would look into private in-home care. Call Karolyn: [phone] - they are wonderful. Highly recommend.

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. Hope this doesn't become too stressful for you and your family. So many of us on this board will be, are, or have been in the same boat and know it's not easy.

[Anonymous]

OP - Thank you for the update! Best wishes to your family and I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your mom.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the entire thread, but lots of it. Am I the only one that thinks OP is acting like quite the grifter here? If Mom sells her house, she can probably afford the $10,000 per month it will cost to move to a lovely memory care unit at a good nursing facility. OP is "willing to chip in?" While she's living for free in her mom's house? I am disgusted by this whole thing, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread, but lots of it. Am I the only one that thinks OP is acting like quite the grifter here? If Mom sells her house, she can probably afford the $10,000 per month it will cost to move to a lovely memory care unit at a good nursing facility. OP is "willing to chip in?" While she's living for free in her mom's house? I am disgusted by this whole thing, honestly.

Largely agree with you (as have others), though I softened a bit after the most recent post. Would like to know more about OP's family's financial situation before I decide "full grifter." Also hope that the sibling is not screwed out of money by OP living in the mom's home after the mom passes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread, but lots of it. Am I the only one that thinks OP is acting like quite the grifter here? If Mom sells her house, she can probably afford the $10,000 per month it will cost to move to a lovely memory care unit at a good nursing facility. OP is "willing to chip in?" While she's living for free in her mom's house? I am disgusted by this whole thing, honestly.

Largely agree with you (as have others), though I softened a bit after the most recent post. Would like to know more about OP's family's financial situation before I decide "full grifter." Also hope that the sibling is not screwed out of money by OP living in the mom's home after the mom passes.

Largely *dis*agree with you (as have others). OP moved in during pandemic to care for mom, has arguably put her career on hold, and has helped pay the mortgage throughout. They have paid refurbishments to the house (which they are not selling as per Mom’s wishes). Now following some debate will bring Mom home as her condition continues to worsen, and will help pay for her care.

The other Sister has already declared that she cannot help pay or care for mother and stands to earn money on all of this when her share of the home (which they will both inherit) is bought out.

Doesn’t sound like a grifter to me but rather someone who in many ways has been left holding the bag…which sadly happened to me with my parents. I am very sympathetic to OP