I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I clicked on this expecting to see that your husband lost his job, or your entire vacation was canceled because of flight issues, or your basement flooded. And the "high stakes" issues you are "devastated" about are that . . . (i) your table at a nice restaurant wasn't up to your standards, and (ii) because you were noticeably pissy about that, your waitress didn't give you top service?

JFC, OP.

The most absurd thing about this post is hat you want your husband to have the same disproportionate, over-the-top reaction to minor setbacks. No way. He's the rational one here - someone in your family need to be stable, and you clearly ain't that person.

OP here. I LOLed at this because all three things have happened to us in the past few years (well, the vacation was canceled due to COVID), and I had no issues dealing with the job loss or our horrible flood or the canceled trip.

I really struggle with the imperfections on "top" experiences much more than with actual problems.

Why are you referring to that as "high-stakes"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of White Lotus where the husband was pissed he paid for Honeymoon suite and got downgraded.
His wife, who’s new to high end things, didn’t care, didn’t pay, and basically says nothing, escalating him to stick up for them solo and get money back, comped meals, move rooms. It all goes downhill from there….

Except it's not the same thing at all. In yours, they paid for something they didn't get. Op didn't pay extra for a full view, she didnt try to confirm it during reservations, etc. So when she got the partial view it wasn't like she was under the impression she was going to get the full view because the restaurant promised it to her.

Actually it is a good analogy, because everyone paid the same for food and Op got the objectively worst table.

It’s also a good analogy because one spouse doesn’t give a damn and the other school does.

It’s all perspective. If you went out one big vacation and pricey dinner out a year and got screwed you’d have a different perspective than someone on trip 7 and an averages $500 dinners several times a month.

That’s why you show empathy and try to understand someone else’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with the feelings or interpretation but hopefully you can see where they’re coming from and why they’re irked. Especially if you are a spouse or good friend.

This reminds me of a relative of mine who owns a luxury vacation service. The rich clients are easy-going, kind, incredibly easy to work with. It’s the people who scrabble every penny together to save for The Biggest Vacation Ever!!! who are nasty to the employees, high-strung, incredibly hard to please. And try to cheap out on stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, and to whoever upthread said DH didn’t need to validate OP’s feelings: the feelings should be validated. It is okay to be disappointed and DH should’ve at least acknowledged the disappointment. BUT if the reaction (whether internalized or externalized) is disproportionate to the situation, then OP needs to recalibrate and not let her disappointment be all-consuming that it ruins the evening, and then spirals ito the secondary emotion of resenting her DH for not invalidating. This sounds like a cycle that they should address together in marriage counseling.

He validated her feelings by asking to be moved to a better table. After the restaurant said no, OP should have put her big girl pants on and enjoyed the evening instead of acting like a spoiled brat.

[Anonymous]

She said “we” asked for a new table. It isn’t clear that DH asked or she asked. That’s not validating her feelings, though. He literally needs to say “it sounds like you are disappointed and it is frustrating when you were hoping for a better table and a great higher out.’ This is what OP wants to hear, probably. DH jumping in to fix still doesn’t acknowledge OP’s feelings. Trust me. I’ve been DBT and CBT and EFT with my spouse and my teenager. I tend to problem solve or fix rather than validate. Am I annoyed that others in my family are not very resilient and I need to do this so much? Yes. But it also helps them feel heard when I do, and then later I address what I went wrong/how to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your approach ... your intensity, you really should adjust your thinking

OP here. I know I should, esp after reading all the feedback here. I just don't know how yet.

My husband and I were in line for a boat ride the other day, and I was like, "Wow, how are we so far behind in line, we got here 30 minutes early!"

And he was like, "I think we're pretty far ahead in line."

And we realized that he was looking at the 30-40 ppl behind us in line, and I was looking at the 30-40 people ahead of us. And I was like, wow, this is so emblematic of the difference between how we think.

You’ll both work towards a good middle. Get a third party to keep everyone honest and work on the glass half full/half empty thing.

Always good to know how you’re calibrated and how he is. Neither of you are wrong, but neither is the whole picture. And try to be positive, save your energy for when you really need to push something - like hospital care, or a kids education plan, or a Venmo scam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said “we” asked for a new table. It isn’t clear that DH asked or she asked. That’s not validating her feelings, though. He literally needs to say “it sounds like you are disappointed and it is frustrating when you were hoping for a better table and a great higher out.’ This is what OP wants to hear, probably. DH jumping in to fix still doesn’t acknowledge OP’s feelings. Trust me. I’ve been DBT and CBT and EFT with my spouse and my teenager. I tend to problem solve or fix rather than validate. Am I annoyed that others in my family are not very resilient and I need to do this so much? Yes. But it also helps them feel heard when I do, and then later I address what I went wrong/how to fix.

+1
Listening and showing understanding is an invaluable skill - at home and professionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your approach ... your intensity, you really should adjust your thinking

OP here. I know I should, esp after reading all the feedback here. I just don't know how yet.

My husband and I were in line for a boat ride the other day, and I was like, "Wow, how are we so far behind in line, we got here 30 minutes early!"

And he was like, "I think we're pretty far ahead in line."

And we realized that he was looking at the 30-40 ppl behind us in line, and I was looking at the 30-40 people ahead of us. And I was like, wow, this is so emblematic of the difference between how we think.

Yes, and since you realize the two of you think differently, then you should understand why he doesn’t get upset or worked up enough to be on Team DW on your issues. You need to understand his perspective and his optimistic view, and not take it personally that he isn’t standing up for you or supporting your frustrations.

I get like this with DH and when I’m begins optimistic, he immediately asks why I’m so quick to argue with him? WTF we are in the exact same situation and he sees it 180 degrees totally opposite from the way I do and also interprets it as an attack on his abilities to stay calm. Frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Stop chasing "high stakes" Instagram able moments, and develop experiences and relationships of substance. I'd be annoyed with you too.

"Devastated" "high stakes"? Do you realize how tone deaf you sound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said “we” asked for a new table. It isn’t clear that DH asked or she asked. That’s not validating her feelings, though. He literally needs to say “it sounds like you are disappointed and it is frustrating when you were hoping for a better table and a great higher out.’ This is what OP wants to hear, probably. DH jumping in to fix still doesn’t acknowledge OP’s feelings. Trust me. I’ve been DBT and CBT and EFT with my spouse and my teenager. I tend to problem solve or fix rather than validate. Am I annoyed that others in my family are not very resilient and I need to do this so much? Yes. But it also helps them feel heard when I do, and then later I address what I went wrong/how to fix.

DP. OP said she wanted him to be annoyed and upset alongside her, which is pretty different than "this is how you feel, and that's fine" style validation. I think asking for someone else to be upset so you don't feel alone in being upset is unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said “we” asked for a new table. It isn’t clear that DH asked or she asked. That’s not validating her feelings, though. He literally needs to say “it sounds like you are disappointed and it is frustrating when you were hoping for a better table and a great higher out.’ This is what OP wants to hear, probably. DH jumping in to fix still doesn’t acknowledge OP’s feelings. Trust me. I’ve been DBT and CBT and EFT with my spouse and my teenager. I tend to problem solve or fix rather than validate. Am I annoyed that others in my family are not very resilient and I need to do this so much? Yes. But it also helps them feel heard when I do, and then later I address what I went wrong/how to fix.

DP. OP said she wanted him to be annoyed and upset alongside her, which is pretty different than "this is how you feel, and that's fine" style validation. I think asking for someone else to be upset so you don't feel alone in being upset is unreasonable.

I’m the PP. Yeah, you’re so right. OP is asking for more than validation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your approach ... your intensity, you really should adjust your thinking

OP here. I know I should, esp after reading all the feedback here. I just don't know how yet.

My husband and I were in line for a boat ride the other day, and I was like, "Wow, how are we so far behind in line, we got here 30 minutes early!"

And he was like, "I think we're pretty far ahead in line."

And we realized that he was looking at the 30-40 ppl behind us in line, and I was looking at the 30-40 people ahead of us. And I was like, wow, this is so emblematic of the difference between how we think.

1. Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy
2. Gratitude journal every morning
3. Each day a goal of naming three positive things about a situation for which you have no control.
4. Take up meditation.
5. Before a big, special event name 5 ways it’s going to be great regardless of what happens
6. More therapy. Maybe look at being screened for anxiety.
7. Create a back up plan if you find yourself spiraling down with overwhelming disappointment like you were at the restaurant. It could be something like excusing yourself for 5 minutes, listening to a meditation app for 5 minutes to reset and then return with a positive outlook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said “we” asked for a new table. It isn’t clear that DH asked or she asked. That’s not validating her feelings, though. He literally needs to say “it sounds like you are disappointed and it is frustrating when you were hoping for a better table and a great higher out.’ This is what OP wants to hear, probably. DH jumping in to fix still doesn’t acknowledge OP’s feelings. Trust me. I’ve been DBT and CBT and EFT with my spouse and my teenager. I tend to problem solve or fix rather than validate. Am I annoyed that others in my family are not very resilient and I need to do this so much? Yes. But it also helps them feel heard when I do, and then later I address what I went wrong/how to fix.

Does anyone outside of crappy advice columns actually talk like this to their spouse?

BTW, I do not trust anyone who posts such nonsense. .

[Anonymous]

Lower expectations and learn to go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

OP needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

I hate a complainer. Sorry, OP.