The weird thing about parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ours is a global family with siblings on both sides and childhood friends spread over several countries and states.

Ones who sent kids to local colleges, their kids stayed as they had their friend, acquaintance networks and local significant others.

Ones who sent kids to study out of state or overseas, their kids got settled elsewhere and don't feel as tied to their childhood towns. They do visit parents but obviously PTO, cost, other engagements limit number and length of their trips.

Lesson learned, be selfish and send kids to local community or state school.

I’m the poster whose adult kids all live in the DMV. Not that we did it, but even if we had it’s hardly “selfish” to send your kids to community college or state school. To the contrary, it’s the most practical and reasonable route for anyone but the well heeled.

Your class bias is showing.

Not necessarily. It can be cheaper to attend out of state schools on merit scholarships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian here, I fully plan to stay with my kids in later years helping them with childcare etc. My own parents stay with me, even if there is friction, it is better than everyone just being alone facing life.

Inter generational living can be very helpful if it works out well which is probably a 25% chance.

However if their spouses have a say in this, there is a 75% chance that you may need to change your fully planned future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they live 120 miles away so drivable.
We have plenty of hobbies. I was just struck by the fact that we did all that for them so they could launch effectively, and I seem to be surprised that they did.
They all prefer their own homes and I get that. Coming home for them isn't as fun as it used to be I think.

Boats are not built to stay in the harbor.

It is hard but the fact that your kids are independent is a sign you did a good job!

[Anonymous]

My kids still wanted to come home until they graduated college. Without the predictable built in vacation times, it became less and less.

Sometimes I would sneak away and cry after they said they didn’t know when they would be back next, or when it would be good for us to visit (they are all so busy and each travels a ton for work).

We talk to them often by phone and text frequently, and have a good relationship with them. It’s just that they aren’t nearby and scattered about.

We all only get together at Thanksgiving or other family functions now, but I suspect that will change too if they get long term partners or marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on page 1. I have a 13 yo so imo I am at one of the better parts (he is a boy fwiw) but I am away from him, it’s been over a week and I don’t miss him at all… I won’t see him for another 1.5 months and that’s more than fine by me… I wonder if I will ever feel the same as OP. One of my fears is that he won’t launch and I’ll be stuck in the same house with him

With you as a parent I don’t see that happening. He’s gonna run as far away from you as soon as he can.

Just because I don’t miss him when away for a few weeks I am a bad parent? Also he says he wants to stay home for college (I know it can change but still). So I don’t know what you are basing your unkind judgment on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on page 1. I have a 13 yo so imo I am at one of the better parts (he is a boy fwiw) but I am away from him, it’s been over a week and I don’t miss him at all… I won’t see him for another 1.5 months and that’s more than fine by me… I wonder if I will ever feel the same as OP. One of my fears is that he won’t launch and I’ll be stuck in the same house with him

What? That's actually awful.

Why?! He is in good care and I am busy taking care of things that ultimately matter for him too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s probably camp. Big deal.

He is with his dad. But I don’t think it matters. Yes I am actually happy to take a break from him for a month or two. I am pretty sure he is happy too. I think it’s normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s probably camp. Big deal.

So you don't miss your kids if they're gone for 2 months?

In our case, our kids love camp. It’s the highlight of their year. We write to them, they write to us. That said, we love the break. It’s rejuvenating. I know they are having a blast and I always feel connected to my kids. Do I miss them…not really.

You're totally normal, ignore these mommy martyr helicopters. These are the people with 25 year olds who can't do laundry or pay a cell phone bill.

When they are not at camp, are you working full-time? When on earth do you actually see the kids? What exactly are you taking a “break” from?

No. I see them before camp and after camp is over. I’m taking a break from the day to day grind of kids. My kids are a lot of work. Good for you if yours aren’t.

I am the PP with a 13 yo and I feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian here, I fully plan to stay with my kids in later years helping them with childcare etc. My own parents stay with me, even if there is friction, it is better than everyone just being alone facing life.

Just curious, are you going to arrange their marriages so that their spouses are ok with your plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why just a few times? Go to them. Make sure they aren't always having to come to you. Travel some weekends and have a meal or two with them. Stay in a hotel.

What if you can't afford flights and hotels?

Or if they don’t want you showing up every other month? Better to embrace the new phase of your life by developing your own friends, interests, hobbies. Anything you had to put down or didn’t have time for when you were in the thick of it, now’s the time. Anything you thought, that sounds interesting, try it. Take a class, read (or write!) a book, there’s so much out there to explore. Bonus, it will make your time with your kids more interesting for you both.

This. Love my parents, have no appetite for entertaining them every month.

I see my parents more than once a month, but it is exhausting. Isn’t that something, though? The people we say we love so much aren’t the ones we prefer to spend our time with. I get it, it’s ok, but it does make me sad that my kids may feel that way about me.

[Anonymous]

For someone in a well-known family, the cost of moving 1000miles away from family is far larger than we realize, until it's too late.

I'd value it at $20-5K/yr (crude estimate), thinking about travel costs and household help costs and lost opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why just a few times? Go to them. Make sure they aren't always having to come to you. Travel some weekends and have a meal or two with them. Stay in a hotel.

What if you can't afford flights and hotels?

Or if they don’t want you showing up every other month? Better to embrace the new phase of your life by developing your own friends, interests, hobbies. Anything you had to put down or didn’t have time for when you were in the thick of it, now’s the time. Anything you thought, that sounds interesting, try it. Take a class, read (or write!) a book, there’s so much out there to explore. Bonus, it will make your time with your kids more interesting for you both.

This. Love my parents, have no appetite for entertaining them every month.

I see my parents more than once a month, but it is exhausting. Isn’t that something, though? The people we say we love so much aren’t the ones we prefer to spend our time with. I get it, it’s ok, but it does make me sad that my kids may feel that way about me.

This is something that I think about quite a bit. I loved my parents and never lived far from them (always within 3-4 hr drive). But spending time with them was not pleasant. I don't want to have the same dynamic with my own kids. The key is probably not appearing emotional needy or micromanaging them when they visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why just a few times? Go to them. Make sure they aren't always having to come to you. Travel some weekends and have a meal or two with them. Stay in a hotel.

What if you can't afford flights and hotels?

Or if they don’t want you showing up every other month? Better to embrace the new phase of your life by developing your own friends, interests, hobbies. Anything you had to put down or didn’t have time for when you were in the thick of it, now’s the time. Anything you thought, that sounds interesting, try it. Take a class, read (or write!) a book, there’s so much out there to explore. Bonus, it will make your time with your kids more interesting for you both.

This. Love my parents, have no appetite for entertaining them every month.

I see my parents more than once a month, but it is exhausting. Isn’t that something, though? The people we say we love so much aren’t the ones we prefer to spend our time with. I get it, it’s ok, but it does make me sad that my kids may feel that way about me.

Why is it exhausting to see your parents more than once a month?

[Anonymous]

Launching your kids to be successful adults is the whole point of parenting. Some of the best advice I got at my wedding shower was to invest in my marriage because kids will leave and you’ll still be married.

Having kids taught me that I will never love my parents as much as they love me. My own kids won’t love me as much as I love them either - and it would not be healthy if they did. I hope they find a partner to love as much as I love my husband and if they choose to have kids, I hope they love their kids as much as I love them. That’s the circle of life.

[Anonymous]

Agree 100 percent with PP. I am close with my parents, but they live far away and it takes effort to see them in person. Things they did that have been great and kept us closer as a family: travel to us instead of making us travel to them all the time; when we had young kids came to our house to help take care of kids when we had crises to deal with (work travel; DH's sick parent); did not butt in or criticize our lives/parenting; took time to get to know our kids and build a loving relationship with the kids so kids did not complain about seeing them; because of that came on some of our family vacations and had kids stay in room with them (so we got some alone time). I hope I can do as well with my kids. Our oldest is living in another city, but we see her often and have a whole family Zoom every week to stay in touch.