The weird thing about parenting

[Anonymous]

I think about the scene in Boyhood where Patricia Arquette's character says "I just thought there'd be more." You assume everything will be so momentous and linear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they live 120 miles away so drivable.
We have plenty of hobbies. I was just struck by the fact that we did all that for them so they could launch effectively, and I seem to be surprised that they did.
They all prefer their own homes and I get that. Coming home for them isn't as fun as it used to be I think.

particularly if you put a lot of pressure on them to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm jealous of OP. You did, you launched your kids.

I have two adult kids that have major struggles. One will struggle with a severe mental illness forever, though hopefully he remains compliant with his meds. I feel like I messed up, but really life just threw curve balls after they were both 18. It's tough and I'd want nothing more than for both to have successful lives independent from us.

Hugs. I have some similar worries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they live 120 miles away so drivable.
We have plenty of hobbies. I was just struck by the fact that we did all that for them so they could launch effectively, and I seem to be surprised that they did.
They all prefer their own homes and I get that. Coming home for them isn't as fun as it used to be I think.

particularly if you put a lot of pressure on them to do so.

OP here - there is no pressure. come or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The purpose of all of the work is not the few years/few days a year at the end; it's the experience of the work itself.

+1
My kids are not an investment in what they do for me when grown up. Doing all the mom things is a huge part of the life I chose to live and wanted to experience. Sure I hope I see them more than a few times a year but it is not something they owe me for the sleepless nights and butt wiping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. As parents it’s our duty to put energy into our children. Not the reverse.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gave birth, wiped butts a thousand times, got up at all hours, dr visits, good schools, activities, nightly bedtime routines, braces, college - all that effort to see them a few times a year as adults. It’s what supposed to happen but I’m stuck by the feeling of loss associated with it.

I once estimated the number of times I wiped butts for two children and came up with about 12,000. You got off easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you can't make your kids your entire world.

+10000
kids are a part of my world, not my entire world. I live for me and I put my happiness and needs first. I'll make occasional sacrifices for my kids but it's not routine. If they come around later on in life great, we can hang out. If they move away and I never see them again. That's fine too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why just a few times? Go to them. Make sure they aren't always having to come to you. Travel some weekends and have a meal or two with them. Stay in a hotel.

Yes but that still puts responsibility on her. She needs to pay, plan and travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gave birth, wiped butts a thousand times, got up at all hours, dr visits, good schools, activities, nightly bedtime routines, braces, college - all that effort to see them a few times a year as adults. It’s what supposed to happen but I’m stuck by the feeling of loss associated with it.

Children aren't property or investments, let them go and let yourself accept.

They didn't ask you to have sex and make babies, it was your decision.

[Anonymous]

What you or your husband did or are doing for your parents and in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Maybe because I'm an only child and an immigrant my view is different. My parents live 15 Min away, we see them (and in-laws actually) once a week or more. They have close relationship with the kids i now have. If i moved to CA for good for example, they would figure out how to come live there. We have noone else in this country, no extended family, cousins, this is it for them and me. My mom for sure annoys me at times but its a gift that she can have a close relationship with my kids through being so close. I would like to live close to at least one of my children as they start their own families in adulthood

[Anonymous]

It definitely doesn’t have to be that way.

We moved to the DMV around 35 years ago and raised our four kids here. They all stuck around after college graduation or eventually made their way back. And why not? There’s plenty of opportunity here, and most of their friends and family are still here. I can’t remember a week going by where we haven’t seen at least one of them in person (unless we’re away ourselves), and usually it’s more often than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It definitely doesn’t have to be that way.

We moved to the DMV around 35 years ago and raised our four kids here. They all stuck around after college graduation or eventually made their way back. And why not? There’s plenty of opportunity here, and most of their friends and family are still here. I can’t remember a week going by where we haven’t seen at least one of them in person (unless we’re away ourselves), and usually it’s more often than that.

That sounds lovely. My parents also moved to the DMV 35 years ago and my sister and I graduated from college and never once considered coming back to the area. Experiences may vary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It definitely doesn’t have to be that way.

We moved to the DMV around 35 years ago and raised our four kids here. They all stuck around after college graduation or eventually made their way back. And why not? There’s plenty of opportunity here, and most of their friends and family are still here. I can’t remember a week going by where we haven’t seen at least one of them in person (unless we’re away ourselves), and usually it’s more often than that.

That sounds lovely. My parents also moved to the DMV 35 years ago and my sister and I graduated from college and never once considered coming back to the area. Experiences may vary.

So I have to ask: how old are you and your sister? How well did you get along with your parents? Did you go to school in the DMV before college? Did you have any friends here? Why the compulsion to move away and never come back?