The weird thing about parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they live 120 miles away so drivable.
We have plenty of hobbies. I was just struck by the fact that we did all that for them so they could launch effectively, and I seem to be surprised that they did.
They all prefer their own homes and I get that. Coming home for them isn't as fun as it used to be I think.

Boats are not built to stay in the harbor.

It is hard but the fact that your kids are independent is a sign you did a good job!

This. Raising kids is not a tit for tat exchange, it’s a pay it forward situation. You did all of that for your kid because your parents did it for you. They will do it for their kids if and when they have them and hopefully instead of feeling jealous of their future partners and children, you will feel joy and satisfaction knowing that they are able to show love to others because you loved them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It definitely doesn’t have to be that way.

We moved to the DMV around 35 years ago and raised our four kids here. They all stuck around after college graduation or eventually made their way back. And why not? There’s plenty of opportunity here, and most of their friends and family are still here. I can’t remember a week going by where we haven’t seen at least one of them in person (unless we’re away ourselves), and usually it’s more often than that.

That sounds lovely. My parents also moved to the DMV 35 years ago and my sister and I graduated from college and never once considered coming back to the area. Experiences may vary.

So I have to ask: how old are you and your sister? How well did you get along with your parents? Did you go to school in the DMV before college? Did you have any friends here? Why the compulsion to move away and never come back?

40s now. Got along fine for the most part. Yes, elementary and high school, and several friends I’m still in touch with are still in the area. It just never occurred to me to want to move near to where my parents were. At all. Even when I had young kids myself. I had a decent experience in high school, but once I escaped the NoVa force field, I just found I liked life better on the outside.

Well, yea, I get not wanting to live in NoVa but there’s a lot more to the DMV than that.

We have always been a close family and my kids had better than a “decent“ experience in high school, so maybe that’s what made the difference.

Different poster here. I’m glad for you that your kids stayed close however you seem pretty smug about it like you did something right to control it.

My husband and his sisters all had great childhoods and are close to many HS friends - they all live a plane ride away from the Bethesda-like NYC suburb they grew up in. It’s a great town, but none of their careers or spouses careers are NYC-centric. I also had a great childhood and moved 600 miles away - but my parents followed me to VA.

It’s not a failure if your adult children prefer a different climate or region of the country. It’s not a judgement on your choices for them to make a different choice. You also are not somehow superior to your peers whose kids moved away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Launching your kids to be successful adults is the whole point of parenting. Some of the best advice I got at my wedding shower was to invest in my marriage because kids will leave and you’ll still be married.

Having kids taught me that I will never love my parents as much as they love me. My own kids won’t love me as much as I love them either - and it would not be healthy if they did. I hope they find a partner to love as much as I love my husband and if they choose to have kids, I hope they love their kids as much as I love them. That’s the circle of life.

My son loves me as much as I love him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gave birth, wiped butts a thousand times, got up at all hours, dr visits, good schools, activities, nightly bedtime routines, braces, college - all that effort to see them a few times a year as adults. It’s what supposed to happen but I’m stuck by the feeling of loss associated with it.

How often do you visit your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is going to college in a few short months. I am so proud, but also so sad. I will really miss DC.

Wait till the youngest leaves. Such emptiness. I am coming up on a year and just now getting over the sadness.

Omg, yes. My youngest stayed at his college town to work-over 1,000 miles away and oldest senior in college is in Europe for summer. We have great relationship but still, when they are gone they are gone and it hurts.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Launching your kids to be successful adults is the whole point of parenting. Some of the best advice I got at my wedding shower was to invest in my marriage because kids will leave and you’ll still be married.

Having kids taught me that I will never love my parents as much as they love me. My own kids won’t love me as much as I love them either - and it would not be healthy if they did. I hope they find a partner to love as much as I love my husband and if they choose to have kids, I hope they love their kids as much as I love them. That’s the circle of life. [/quote]

My son loves me as much as I love him. [/quote]

You simply cannot know that, and it is unquestionably true that his love for you is very different than yours for him.

You sound really needy, btw. I hope for your son’s sake you didn’t do the whole emotional incest thing that too many needy mommies do with their sons.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Launching your kids to be successful adults is the whole point of parenting. Some of the best advice I got at my wedding shower was to invest in my marriage because kids will leave and you’ll still be married.

Having kids taught me that I will never love my parents as much as they love me. My own kids won’t love me as much as I love them either - and it would not be healthy if they did. I hope they find a partner to love as much as I love my husband and if they choose to have kids, I hope they love their kids as much as I love them. That’s the circle of life. [/quote]

My son loves me as much as I love him. [/quote]

You simply cannot know that, and it is unquestionably true that his love for you is very different than yours for him.

You sound really needy, btw. I hope for your son’s sake you didn’t do the whole emotional incest thing that too many needy mommies do with their sons.[/quote]

He really does. He’s an only. Maybe that’s why. Either way, I’m very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ours is a global family with siblings on both sides and childhood friends spread over several countries and states.

Ones who sent kids to local colleges, their kids stayed as they had their friend, acquaintance networks and local significant others.

Ones who sent kids to study out of state or overseas, their kids got settled elsewhere and don't feel as tied to their childhood towns. They do visit parents but obviously PTO, cost, other engagements limit number and length of their trips.

Lesson learned, be selfish and send kids to local community or state school.

I’m the poster whose adult kids all live in the DMV. Not that we did it, but even if we had it’s hardly “selfish” to send your kids to community college or state school. To the contrary, it’s the most practical and reasonable route for anyone but the well heeled.

Your class bias is showing.

Not necessarily. It can be cheaper to attend out of state schools on merit scholarships.

Quit talking out your a$$. Very few students go to out of state colleges for less money than their local community college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they live 120 miles away so drivable.
We have plenty of hobbies. I was just struck by the fact that we did all that for them so they could launch effectively, and I seem to be surprised that they did.
They all prefer their own homes and I get that. Coming home for them isn't as fun as it used to be I think.

Boats are not built to stay in the harbor.

It is hard but the fact that your kids are independent is a sign you did a good job!

A kid can still be “independent” and live close by. Happens every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It definitely doesn’t have to be that way.

We moved to the DMV around 35 years ago and raised our four kids here. They all stuck around after college graduation or eventually made their way back. And why not? There’s plenty of opportunity here, and most of their friends and family are still here. I can’t remember a week going by where we haven’t seen at least one of them in person (unless we’re away ourselves), and usually it’s more often than that.

That sounds lovely. My parents also moved to the DMV 35 years ago and my sister and I graduated from college and never once considered coming back to the area. Experiences may vary.

So I have to ask: how old are you and your sister? How well did you get along with your parents? Did you go to school in the DMV before college? Did you have any friends here? Why the compulsion to move away and never come back?

40s now. Got along fine for the most part. Yes, elementary and high school, and several friends I’m still in touch with are still in the area. It just never occurred to me to want to move near to where my parents were. At all. Even when I had young kids myself. I had a decent experience in high school, but once I escaped the NoVa force field, I just found I liked life better on the outside.

Well, yea, I get not wanting to live in NoVa but there’s a lot more to the DMV than that.

We have always been a close family and my kids had better than a “decent“ experience in high school, so maybe that’s what made the difference.

Different poster here. I’m glad for you that your kids stayed close however you seem pretty smug about it like you did something right to control it.

My husband and his sisters all had great childhoods and are close to many HS friends - they all live a plane ride away from the Bethesda-like NYC suburb they grew up in. It’s a great town, but none of their careers or spouses careers are NYC-centric. I also had a great childhood and moved 600 miles away - but my parents followed me to VA.

It’s not a failure if your adult children prefer a different climate or region of the country. It’s not a judgement on your choices for them to make a different choice. You also are not somehow superior to your peers whose kids moved away.

I don’t think I’m “superior” to anyone but I sure do think our situation makes me better off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian here, I fully plan to stay with my kids in later years helping them with childcare etc. My own parents stay with me, even if there is friction, it is better than everyone just being alone facing life.

Inter generational living can be very helpful if it works out well which is probably a 25% chance.

However if their spouses have a say in this, there is a 75% chance that you may need to change your fully planned future.

No kidding! If my ILs wanted to move in, I think it would spell divorce! Especially, if they have old fashioned sexist views (they do). When they stay with me for 2 weeks it is SOOO stressful, I drown myself in work and make every excuse not to be at home. They have very old fashioned ideas of what a woman should be like and are very judgemental. They judge me for all of this and I just don't care anymore what they think. (I used to want a close relationship, but now I don't want my kids to pick up their antiquated values). After all, they've NEVER made an effort to understand me or my values. This is just a one way street where all that matters is them and male voices. Thank God they still live in their home country. We'll NEVER move there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gave birth, wiped butts a thousand times, got up at all hours, dr visits, good schools, activities, nightly bedtime routines, braces, college - all that effort to see them a few times a year as adults. It’s what supposed to happen but I’m stuck by the feeling of loss associated with it.

My mom could have written this. All I can say is that you can't reap what you don't sow. She doesn't make that much of an effort and views me a bit like a child. The judgment of my parenting has forced me to put up boundaries and visit less often for only a few days at a time, maybe 8 days in total per year. I used to visit more often, but she is not respectful of me or my rules for my children. Then she judges me by saying "well, I did this or that when you were little".... I'm trying to do better than her, hence I'm doing things differently.
... and I do plan to make more of an effort with my kids respecting THEIR rules and boundaries for their children when they cross to adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gave birth, wiped butts a thousand times, got up at all hours, dr visits, good schools, activities, nightly bedtime routines, braces, college - all that effort to see them a few times a year as adults. It’s what supposed to happen but I’m stuck by the feeling of loss associated with it.

My mom could have written this. All I can say is that you can't reap what you don't sow. She doesn't make that much of an effort and views me a bit like a child. The judgment of my parenting has forced me to put up boundaries and visit less often for only a few days at a time, maybe 8 days in total per year. I used to visit more often, but she is not respectful of me or my rules for my children. Then she judges me by saying "well, I did this or that when you were little".... I'm trying to do better than her, hence I'm doing things differently.
... and I do plan to make more of an effort with my kids respecting THEIR rules and boundaries for their children when they cross to adulthood.

I don't think OP is criticizing anyone's parenting. Pretty sure she or he just wants to know how they got dropped off at the dump after investing so much love and support only to realize they no longer factor in their family's life to any grear degree.

Before you say things about "reaping and sowing" and your buzzword "boundaries"..let me say, you won't know what hit you when your time comes. You think you are sowing what your future is, but you will have zero control over that. And, let me say, it's so sad. Do better, PP. Because what you are sowing is how your kids will treat you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gave birth, wiped butts a thousand times, got up at all hours, dr visits, good schools, activities, nightly bedtime routines, braces, college - all that effort to see them a few times a year as adults. It’s what supposed to happen but I’m stuck by the feeling of loss associated with it.

My mom could have written this. All I can say is that you can't reap what you don't sow. She doesn't make that much of an effort and views me a bit like a child. The judgment of my parenting has forced me to put up boundaries and visit less often for only a few days at a time, maybe 8 days in total per year. I used to visit more often, but she is not respectful of me or my rules for my children. Then she judges me by saying "well, I did this or that when you were little".... I'm trying to do better than her, hence I'm doing things differently.
... and I do plan to make more of an effort with my kids respecting THEIR rules and boundaries for their children when they cross to adulthood.

Sheesh. You sound like an exhausting person.

[Anonymous]

can't wait for my kids to be grown. Parenting is exhausting. I don't really enjoy it, will be very happy when they launch. I tell my spouse all the time, I'm living for me. If I can help the kids great, but that's not my motivation