How common is "failure to launch?"

[Anonymous]

I think there might be a DSM definition for it one day, just as there’s one for hoarding. There are underlying conditions like maybe depression or anxiety or what not.
My ex’s uncle is a failure to launch in another country. Has a low paid job, lives with his mom, doesn’t do squat except being on his computer. His half brother, my ex FIL, is completely “normal”. His younger son, my ex’s half brother, however, was considered a FTL for the longest time until he actually did. He didn’t live with parents but they helped him out, he dropped out of college and lost multiple jobs etc. He is now married with kids and has a high paying job and owns a home.
I am quite worried for my son who just seems a likely candidate for FTL. He is a homebody, doesn’t have many friends, gets average grades unless he is pushed, doesn’t really have a passion. He is still young though, and I don’t have a lot of money or a basement where he could dwell. So maybe it will all work out.

[Anonymous]

You’ve definitely failed to launch if you make $200k and live with your parents in a non-caretaker capacity. What’s stopping you from moving out? Fear or anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I work with dozens of these people (something about the career I'm in.) They are in their thirties, have good jobs, do not date and live with their parents. Generally the parents are immigrants (either Eastern Europe or Mexico.) In fact I am the only 30 something in my workplace who is married with children.
They all act like they're living the dream because they don't pay a mortgage or rent, have food waiting for them at home and lots of disposable income.

I am the $200K poster from above living with parents. I absolutely feel like it’s living the dream. Do you know how easy it is to get ahead when you can save $130K a year (as one person, not a household)? And still have fresh home-cooked food and no stress every day?

Of course, the dating relationships are completely nonexistent. I hope to semi-retire early, buy a house/condo for cash, and then focus on that part of life. But I have thought about this a lot, and I have no idea whatsoever how people work at six-figure jobs, maintain a house and do all chores, and raise a family at the same time. That seems like a superhuman task, and the dissatisfaction that is discussed so much in the relationship forum underscores that it’s not realistic for a lot of people.

There should be greater acceptance of the different energy levels that exist within humans, and not being able to “do it all” at once should not mean that one has failed to launch.

Getting ahead of whom? You have no regular sex just for the sake of buying a condo at some point?

not everyone has a libido that requires regular sex.

+1

I don’t think I’ve had sex since maybe 2018? I don’t miss it at all.

You and the 200k man child are not normal.

Normal doesn’t even mean anything. MYOB.

Keep telling your single self that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with dozens of these people (something about the career I'm in.) They are in their thirties, have good jobs, do not date and live with their parents. Generally the parents are immigrants (either Eastern Europe or Mexico.) In fact I am the only 30 something in my workplace who is married with children.
They all act like they're living the dream because they don't pay a mortgage or rent, have food waiting for them at home and lots of disposable income.

I am the $200K poster from above living with parents. I absolutely feel like it’s living the dream. Do you know how easy it is to get ahead when you can save $130K a year (as one person, not a household)? And still have fresh home-cooked food and no stress every day?

Of course, the dating relationships are completely nonexistent. I hope to semi-retire early, buy a house/condo for cash, and then focus on that part of life. But I have thought about this a lot, and I have no idea whatsoever how people work at six-figure jobs, maintain a house and do all chores, and raise a family at the same time. That seems like a superhuman task, and the dissatisfaction that is discussed so much in the relationship forum underscores that it’s not realistic for a lot of people.

There should be greater acceptance of the different energy levels that exist within humans, and not being able to “do it all” at once should not mean that one has failed to launch.

Getting ahead of whom? You have no regular sex just for the sake of buying a condo at some point?

not everyone has a libido that requires regular sex.

+1

I don’t think I’ve had sex since maybe 2018? I don’t miss it at all.

You and the 200k man child are not normal.

Normal doesn’t even mean anything. MYOB.

Keep telling your single self that.

Why does it bother you if a total stranger enjoys being alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with dozens of these people (something about the career I'm in.) They are in their thirties, have good jobs, do not date and live with their parents. Generally the parents are immigrants (either Eastern Europe or Mexico.) In fact I am the only 30 something in my workplace who is married with children.
They all act like they're living the dream because they don't pay a mortgage or rent, have food waiting for them at home and lots of disposable income.

I am the $200K poster from above living with parents. I absolutely feel like it’s living the dream. Do you know how easy it is to get ahead when you can save $130K a year (as one person, not a household)? And still have fresh home-cooked food and no stress every day?

Of course, the dating relationships are completely nonexistent. I hope to semi-retire early, buy a house/condo for cash, and then focus on that part of life. But I have thought about this a lot, and I have no idea whatsoever how people work at six-figure jobs, maintain a house and do all chores, and raise a family at the same time. That seems like a superhuman task, and the dissatisfaction that is discussed so much in the relationship forum underscores that it’s not realistic for a lot of people.

There should be greater acceptance of the different energy levels that exist within humans, and not being able to “do it all” at once should not mean that one has failed to launch.

Getting ahead of whom? You have no regular sex just for the sake of buying a condo at some point?

not everyone has a libido that requires regular sex.

+1

I don’t think I’ve had sex since maybe 2018? I don’t miss it at all.

You and the 200k man child are not normal.

We’re talking about failure to launch. If you think people with lower libidos are abnormal, start a tread in the relationship forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with dozens of these people (something about the career I'm in.) They are in their thirties, have good jobs, do not date and live with their parents. Generally the parents are immigrants (either Eastern Europe or Mexico.) In fact I am the only 30 something in my workplace who is married with children.
They all act like they're living the dream because they don't pay a mortgage or rent, have food waiting for them at home and lots of disposable income.

I am the $200K poster from above living with parents. I absolutely feel like it’s living the dream. Do you know how easy it is to get ahead when you can save $130K a year (as one person, not a household)? And still have fresh home-cooked food and no stress every day?

Of course, the dating relationships are completely nonexistent. I hope to semi-retire early, buy a house/condo for cash, and then focus on that part of life. But I have thought about this a lot, and I have no idea whatsoever how people work at six-figure jobs, maintain a house and do all chores, and raise a family at the same time. That seems like a superhuman task, and the dissatisfaction that is discussed so much in the relationship forum underscores that it’s not realistic for a lot of people.

There should be greater acceptance of the different energy levels that exist within humans, and not being able to “do it all” at once should not mean that one has failed to launch.

Getting ahead of whom? You have no regular sex just for the sake of buying a condo at some point?

not everyone has a libido that requires regular sex.

+1

I don’t think I’ve had sex since maybe 2018? I don’t miss it at all.

You and the 200k man child are not normal.

We’re talking about failure to launch. If you think people with lower libidos are abnormal, start a tread in the relationship forum.

Perhaps one leads to the other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with dozens of these people (something about the career I'm in.) They are in their thirties, have good jobs, do not date and live with their parents. Generally the parents are immigrants (either Eastern Europe or Mexico.) In fact I am the only 30 something in my workplace who is married with children.
They all act like they're living the dream because they don't pay a mortgage or rent, have food waiting for them at home and lots of disposable income.

I am the $200K poster from above living with parents. I absolutely feel like it’s living the dream. Do you know how easy it is to get ahead when you can save $130K a year (as one person, not a household)? And still have fresh home-cooked food and no stress every day?

Of course, the dating relationships are completely nonexistent. I hope to semi-retire early, buy a house/condo for cash, and then focus on that part of life. But I have thought about this a lot, and I have no idea whatsoever how people work at six-figure jobs, maintain a house and do all chores, and raise a family at the same time. That seems like a superhuman task, and the dissatisfaction that is discussed so much in the relationship forum underscores that it’s not realistic for a lot of people.

There should be greater acceptance of the different energy levels that exist within humans, and not being able to “do it all” at once should not mean that one has failed to launch.

Getting ahead of whom? You have no regular sex just for the sake of buying a condo at some point?

not everyone has a libido that requires regular sex.

+1

I don’t think I’ve had sex since maybe 2018? I don’t miss it at all.

You and the 200k man child are not normal.

We’re talking about failure to launch. If you think people with lower libidos are abnormal, start a tread in the relationship forum.

Perhaps one leads to the other?

I suppose there are people who become more independent (get a car, get their own place) so they can date.
Then again, this board seems to be full of fully launched adults (house, kids) with no sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with dozens of these people (something about the career I'm in.) They are in their thirties, have good jobs, do not date and live with their parents. Generally the parents are immigrants (either Eastern Europe or Mexico.) In fact I am the only 30 something in my workplace who is married with children.
They all act like they're living the dream because they don't pay a mortgage or rent, have food waiting for them at home and lots of disposable income.

I am the $200K poster from above living with parents. I absolutely feel like it’s living the dream. Do you know how easy it is to get ahead when you can save $130K a year (as one person, not a household)? And still have fresh home-cooked food and no stress every day?

Of course, the dating relationships are completely nonexistent. I hope to semi-retire early, buy a house/condo for cash, and then focus on that part of life. But I have thought about this a lot, and I have no idea whatsoever how people work at six-figure jobs, maintain a house and do all chores, and raise a family at the same time. That seems like a superhuman task, and the dissatisfaction that is discussed so much in the relationship forum underscores that it’s not realistic for a lot of people.

There should be greater acceptance of the different energy levels that exist within humans, and not being able to “do it all” at once should not mean that one has failed to launch.

Getting ahead of whom? You have no regular sex just for the sake of buying a condo at some point?

not everyone has a libido that requires regular sex.

+1

I don’t think I’ve had sex since maybe 2018? I don’t miss it at all.

You and the 200k man child are not normal.

We’re talking about failure to launch. If you think people with lower libidos are abnormal, start a tread in the relationship forum.

Perhaps one leads to the other?

I suppose there are people who become more independent (get a car, get their own place) so they can date.
Then again, this board seems to be full of fully launched adults (house, kids) with no sex drive.

More often a launched mom and her manchild husband. She's exhausted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids are getting to college only to be completely exhausted. They have been pushed so hard from an early age to excel. College (or their first "real job") is built up to the point that it is supposed to be everything. These kids go to college (or into the workplace) and are underwhelmed. Is this all there is? I worked so hard all those years for this? everyone always told me this would be the best thing ever. I feel betrayed, and disappointed that I fell for all that growing up. It's a sham.

That is what they are thinking.

Such nonsense. Only a very, very tiny subset of American teens are pushed like this by overbearing parents. And even then, it's not even those overachieving kids who are crashing and burning and failing to launch! Those failing to launch are the normal American kids, largely boys, who had a normal and comfortable upbringing.

[Anonymous]

BIL and his family have lived with MIL for most of their marriage (15 years). They co-purchase real estate with her and she pays for their food and cell phone bills (that we know of).

DH and I moved out of my parents after I paid off my student loans 10+ years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL and his family have lived with MIL for most of their marriage (15 years). They co-purchase real estate with her and she pays for their food and cell phone bills (that we know of).

DH and I moved out of my parents after I paid off my student loans 10+ years ago.

Let's not make it into competition.
I went to a boarding school at 15. Run away to US at 18. Worked below minimum wage job while attending college here (paying international rates). Didn't qualify for student loans. Bought my parents a home and a car right after graduation. Wasn't cheap as it was all in euros. I retired decades before most people think of retirement.
I have great work ethic and money skill. My own kids are very independent and can go for months without seeing parents.
"Failure to launch" is just not in the cards. Maybe the next generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids are getting to college only to be completely exhausted. They have been pushed so hard from an early age to excel. College (or their first "real job") is built up to the point that it is supposed to be everything. These kids go to college (or into the workplace) and are underwhelmed. Is this all there is? I worked so hard all those years for this? everyone always told me this would be the best thing ever. I feel betrayed, and disappointed that I fell for all that growing up. It's a sham.

That is what they are thinking.

I agree with this and will add that the current situation with college is creating enormous anxiety and insecurity problems. You have to be perfect and even then will likely do worse than your parents did in terms of admission. The cost is astronomical so kids are going to schools less likely to lead to good jobs and coming out with mountains of debt. They are experiencing down ward mobility while others are stepping over them. The only way to hang on is to grind harder than the cheaters and other grinders.

There’s no room to take risks and learn from failure. There’s no reward for loving learning and hard work. There’s no reward for being ethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I immigrated from a culture where most people live in multi-generational families. In our society, no one fails to launch. People may not be earning a living but those who are at home are taking care of the home, family and social obligations.

My brother lost his job 5 yrs ago. He is 60 now. His wife is the breadwinner. He does projects at home. House repair, additions, medical care, veggi garden, selling of property, consolidating investments. He is busy as hell and will rake in big amounts of money with selling his property (he used to buy land for cheap at one point in life).

I was just thinking maybe my Mother was “failure to launch”. She went from her parents house to marrying my dad and shortly after being a SAHM. My dad died and she didn’t earn enough substitute teaching to pay for the house and living expenses and they were living off his pension. So she moved in with my husband and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I immigrated from a culture where most people live in multi-generational families. In our society, no one fails to launch. People may not be earning a living but those who are at home are taking care of the home, family and social obligations.

My brother lost his job 5 yrs ago. He is 60 now. His wife is the breadwinner. He does projects at home. House repair, additions, medical care, veggi garden, selling of property, consolidating investments. He is busy as hell and will rake in big amounts of money with selling his property (he used to buy land for cheap at one point in life).

A 55 YO, by definition, is not a failure to launch. We're talking about people in their late teens - 20s.

Are "we"? A 55YO who still lives with their parents and can't hold down a full-time job despite having no clear psychological or cognitive impairments is very much a failure to launch.

A married 55YO who makes themselves useful is various ways is not a failure to launch.

I am in my 50s and a lot of my friends have sibling who we think of as having failed to launch. My BIL, for example, lived with my ILs until they died and just got his first full-time salaried position despite having a master's degree.

Just because he has a masters degree does not mean there are no psychological or neurological issues. Or maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids are getting to college only to be completely exhausted. They have been pushed so hard from an early age to excel. College (or their first "real job") is built up to the point that it is supposed to be everything. These kids go to college (or into the workplace) and are underwhelmed. Is this all there is? I worked so hard all those years for this? everyone always told me this would be the best thing ever. I feel betrayed, and disappointed that I fell for all that growing up. It's a sham.

That is what they are thinking.

Such nonsense. Only a very, very tiny subset of American teens are pushed like this by overbearing parents. And even then, it's not even those overachieving kids who are crashing and burning and failing to launch! Those failing to launch are the normal American kids, largely boys, who had a normal and comfortable upbringing.

Agree.

The problem is not the tiny tip of energizer bunny overachievers, it’s the large mass of chronic underachievers.