Explain to me the financial risk of SAH if partner is a high earner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the SAH naysayers are out in full force! I love SAH with my kids. Nothing will make me regret this time with them. Nothing. I love every minute of being a homemaker. I also trust my DH. Wow, there’s a concept, right? I respect him and trust him and he’s awesome. We are not perfect but we are happy and committed.

The question in the OP is about the financial risks of SAH if one partner is a high earner. Responding accurately isn’t “naysaying.” You can also respond accurately with a discussion of the risks. But “I love staying home,” while a nice sentiment, doesn’t answer OPs question.

I stayed home with my older kids (now nearly adult) when they were young. I was glad for the time, and certainly don’t regret it. I worked when my youngest was a toddler so I have done both. (I don’t regret working either.) But what I can say now, at the other end, is that SAH is unquestionably a financial risk even if the partner is a high earner, unless the SAHM and working partner take concrete steps to make sure those risks are mitigated. I look around and I have seen marriages fail in spectacular fashion. These are not couples you would have thought would get divorced when we were all starting out. Life happens fast and people have all sorts of things happen: alcoholism (a serious issue), burnout, gambling addiction, teens that go off the rails and the father bolts, midlife crisis, whatever.

The PPs who talked about buying property are smart. The SAHMs in families where wealth is kept in US property have been better off financially (even when still married). Cash disappears very fast in divorce, and even not in divorce. I have seen some women get alimony and sometimes for life (important if you are 55 with no working skills) but even those with alimony face challenges. It is just much easier to offshore money these days, and these millionaire DHs are often not surprised by the divorce and so have spent a lot of time preparing for it. Jointly held properties managed by the SAHP is a smart idea. But it’s foolish to pretend there aren’t real financial risks to staying home even in a high earner marriage.

my ExH hid tens of millions in offshore accounts under the companies registered by his mistress.

I was smart to have him buy several rentals in the US (which I all retained). But I still got way less than 50% of the joint assets, as he hid everything liquid abroad.

I have a friend in Germany. Her husband is a law partner making EUR 2mm a year. When they had a rough patch, he asked her to vacate the joint house. She ran to family lawyers and basically was explained that she would never get a hold of ANY of his law partner earnings, as he was receiving them on Cayman islands accounts. She would only get half of their marital home (around EUR 500k, a far cry from joint earnings and liquid assets).Thankfully they pass the rough patch but it's a very real story

[Anonymous]

So many considerations here. Do you feel that you have a solid marriage? Do you truly love your husband? How old are your kids? How stressed are you working?

I did resign and became the SAHP when I also become responsible for my mother’s care and I could not be a good wife/mother/daughter/employee at the same time (I felt 3 of the 4 was workable but the 4th was just not). My boss was a miserable person so it was an easy choice.

Now, if it was another job with a different boss (I have had some GREAT jobs). Or I doubted my marriage. Or I didn’t have some responsibility for my mother’s care. Or if my kids were older. Or if I had other family help with the kids (yep - looking at you the only Indian in-laws I know that did not move close to help with their grandkids) I may have made a different decision.

Regardless, I have certainly not been bored! As my kids got older I stepped up volunteering and took on leadership / board roles. I am now getting a masters degree and LOVE being back at school. I do feel badly that im not a good role model for my kids in that I couldn’t balance it all. But, overall, I made the best decision for myself and my family as I could.

Is SAMP right for you OP? Only you can decide!

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would advise either of my children (DD or DS) to stop working if they had a wealthy spouse. Not only for the financial aspects but also for their own sense of self. Life is just too uncertain.

[Anonymous]

There are all of these alarming stories on here about men hiding money offshore. Truth is I grew up UMC, knew a lot of wealthy people and almost everyone stayed married. I’d be interested in the statistics for two well educated people getting divorced. I live in an affluent town and only know one person who is divorced now.

Honestly if marriage is so so risky then you shouldn’t have kids. It’s not really marriage that puts you at risk. It is kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would advise either of my children (DD or DS) to stop working if they had a wealthy spouse. Not only for the financial aspects but also for their own sense of self. Life is just too uncertain.

Not everyone gets fulfillment and meaning from working for the man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are all of these alarming stories on here about men hiding money offshore. Truth is I grew up UMC, knew a lot of wealthy people and almost everyone stayed married. I’d be interested in the statistics for two well educated people getting divorced. I live in an affluent town and only know one person who is divorced now.

Honestly if marriage is so so risky then you shouldn’t have kids. It’s not really marriage that puts you at risk. It is kids!

What ? You never heard of wealthy people having all their money protected in trusts? Often you marry into a wealthy family and you must stay married to continue having access to the lifestyle and funds. You are out - you have zero. It’s also not a healthy reason to stay in marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would advise either of my children (DD or DS) to stop working if they had a wealthy spouse. Not only for the financial aspects but also for their own sense of self. Life is just too uncertain.

Not everyone gets fulfillment and meaning from working for the man!

Which man ?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a magnet. Men that are high earners like that (no matter what they look like)?have endless options and end up feeling entitled to do what they want.

Over time, by middle age, he will cheat. Women at the office will be throwing it at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are all of these alarming stories on here about men hiding money offshore. Truth is I grew up UMC, knew a lot of wealthy people and almost everyone stayed married. I’d be interested in the statistics for two well educated people getting divorced. I live in an affluent town and only know one person who is divorced now.

Honestly if marriage is so so risky then you shouldn’t have kids. It’s not really marriage that puts you at risk. It is kids!

What ? You never heard of wealthy people having all their money protected in trusts? Often you marry into a wealthy family and you must stay married to continue having access to the lifestyle and funds. You are out - you have zero. It’s also not a healthy reason to stay in marriage

Sure but all of the wealthy women I know stayed married. The few I know who divorced remarried wealthy men or inherited on their own. DCUM posters like to act like wealthy women are just kicked to the curb left and right, but that’s hardly the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alimony is not really a thing. You would get child support.

Risk is you put career on hold and can't ever get it back. If you get a divorce you get 1/2, then child support, then the kids turn 18 and no more monthly payments. You have to support yourself and 10-15 years later, that 1/2 is gone bc you bought a house with it. You have little earning power.

Prob not that huge of a risk if you aren't on the brink of divorce, TBH.

Obviously spousal support is not a guarantee, but every SAHM I know in this area who has gotten divorced has gotten spousal support for at least five years.

When she’s 45-50 and kids are almost 18 (hence child support will end), 5 years is nothing. She still has 30-40 years left to live and after being out of the work force most of her life her options are severely limited at 55 to go back in after all those years off and no work history. They will hire 25 year olds over her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way I would advise either of my children (DD or DS) to stop working if they had a wealthy spouse. Not only for the financial aspects but also for their own sense of self. Life is just too uncertain.

+100

My parents always told us to always keep a foot in the door. Always have some form of income.

I’m 52 and my WAH job of $175k is peanuts to what my spouse makes, but I have close to $2 million in my own TSP retirement fund, great health benefits and it’s in my field.

I’ve seen too many spouses have affairs and change later in life and having this job and knowing no matter what I would be fine. There also is a better balance and level of respect in the home.

[Anonymous]

As a SAHM, I accept the risk. I was upfront with my husband from the moment we started dating that my plan was to SAH after we started a family. I saved for that goal and have accounts in my name as an emergency “escape fund” if it didn’t work out. I maintained professional certifications and connections in case I needed to return to work.

DH is a a fairly high earner, maybe not by DCUM standards. FWIW, I think the risk of splitting is in the hard early parenting years but decreases with each passing year. We’ve been together almost 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your high earning spouse could also die before you are able to accumulate a sufficient nest egg. They could also become disabled and require expensive care that drains your assets.

This is what life and disability insurance are for, and people should buy them regardless of whether their spouse works or not. Actually, even single people need disability insurance.

[Anonymous]

The anecdotal experience of my friend: If your DH is a lawyer prepared for legal harassment, not much money and for assets earned during the marriage to become invisible until he remarries.

[Anonymous]

The risk is for the working spouse, who could lose half of everything. If you kept working and had your own 401k, pension, etc., then that would reduce what they would give up in divorce.