Mom with 1 kid vs more kids have more time/energy for herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

Well, anyone who thinks that parents of multiples aren’t just as knee-jerk defensive as parents of onlies has just been set straight.

Nope, I did not offend the PP or replied to the same level… nice try

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, obviously all other things being equal, 1 child is a lot less work than 2 or 3+.

I have 3 under 9 and we are busy. I am still able to workout a bit because work is flexible and I work from home so I always find time to go for a 30 min run. Money is much tighter than if we were only putting 2 child through private school, etc.

But I also would never want to have an only and that’s why I have 3. My kids play (and sometimes fight) together all the time, they have their own unique relationships and they are teaching so much to one another. My kids’ lives are so much richer than they would have been had they been onlies.

We all prioritize and want different things. The lucky ones are the ones that are able to have what they want… including parents of onlies.

The bolded is not true but I'm glad you got the family you want and it sounds like your kids are having a great childhood. But that's a loaded judgment that is false, it's like people who don't think you can have a meaningful life without becoming a parent or people who think SAHMs can't have intellectual stimulation in their lives. It's based on a narrow experience that assumes the alternatives are not as good. They are, they are just different.

+1

Eh. I’m a NP who also has three kids. That they have each other as siblings enriches their lives in specific ways, at least as children. It also means trade-offs of less enrichment around things like specialized camps, lots of activities and extracurriculars, etc., because we don’t have the resources (of all kinds) to give those to each kid. I wouldn’t necessarily say my kids live richer lives than only children, but they do have sibling relationships that only children, by definition, don’t have. Mostly, so far, I think those are for the better.

I also work FT and have time to myself. My youngest is six, which helps, but I have always made time for daily exercise and with friends, at the very least. Now I’m at the point of being able to read for pleasure, which I love. If I really wanted to do a pottery class or something, DH and I could work it out. I also agree with a PP who said to embrace this season of life - I signed up to be a working mom of three kids, so I’m certainly not going to complain about it. I feel like I won the damn lottery.

Maybe for YOUR kids. Man you people are myopic. It's really sad.

+1

Please have your kids come back and report in 40 years when they are fighting over your elder care or estate.

Christ on a cross, you people are defensive. It's staggering, truly.

The bolded is one of the most disgusting things I've ever read on DCUM and I've been on here way too long.

Oh, calm your shorts - somehow in your world, it’s perfectly fine to imply that only children cannot possibly have a rich, love filled childhood, because they will somehow never know the apparently boundless love of a sibling? And how easy moms of onlies have it… such indulgent laziness!

All the boasting and positioning it like some kind of altruistic gift to give your children sibling relationships, etc. is hilarious. You didn’t have multiple kids for your kids, you have them for your own selfish reasons. You have NO idea what a sibling relationship will be over the course of a lifetime - check out the Family Relationships forum for some insight into that.

We have childless friends, child free friends, friends with inlines, friends with “normal” 2/3 kid families, and some friends with very large families (6+). I’ve never come across the same attitudes that seem to appear here towards any size family!

People on DCUM love to point out the potential downsides of siblings, but IRL most of the adults I know have good relationships with their siblings. You can appreciate having siblings and still respect others' choice if they only want to have 1 child.

I think you are right. A lot of people also have meaningful relationships with their aunts and uncles (parents siblings) as well.
I can appreciate my relationships with my brother and extended family AND respect my brother’s decision to have only one child. And my brother can have a good relationship with me and benefit from his relationships with our aunts, uncles, and cousins, and still decide to have one child. None of this is mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

Well, anyone who thinks that parents of multiples aren’t just as knee-jerk defensive as parents of onlies has just been set straight.

Nope, I did not offend the PP or replied to the same level… nice try

How did that comment feel, PP? Stung and raised your hackles, right? I'm the PP that made that comment and you know, I don't believe it at all actually. I admit to some stereotypes about very big families, which is what I put in my reply, but I don't actually think 3 kids is too many to parent well (for many people who choose to have three). But see how it hurts when someone gives an "in MY opinion" condemnation of your family and parenting? People with 1 or 5 kids hear it all the time. You with your standard 2-3 children don't. So before you tell the next person YOUR opinion about what you think about YOUR family (and only your family, right? Despite what it means for the person standing in front of you listening to your opinions), maybe stop and think about how it felt.

[Anonymous]

How did a thread that should be about supporting the OP to find more time for herself and her interests turn into mom’s ripping each other apart?

OP, can you give us some specifics? Let’s find you a way to take some piano lessons or a drawing class. It can’t be impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

Well, anyone who thinks that parents of multiples aren’t just as knee-jerk defensive as parents of onlies has just been set straight.

Nope, I did not offend the PP or replied to the same level… nice try

How did that comment feel, PP? Stung and raised your hackles, right? I'm the PP that made that comment and you know, I don't believe it at all actually. I admit to some stereotypes about very big families, which is what I put in my reply, but I don't actually think 3 kids is too many to parent well (for many people who choose to have three). But see how it hurts when someone gives an "in MY opinion" condemnation of your family and parenting? People with 1 or 5 kids hear it all the time. You with your standard 2-3 children don't. So before you tell the next person YOUR opinion about what you think about YOUR family (and only your family, right? Despite what it means for the person standing in front of you listening to your opinions), maybe stop and think about how it felt.

You are wrong. It did not hurt me at all. I am very happy and secure in my family choices. What bothered me was being attacked for saying that in my family, given our personalities and our current situation, having sibling was enriching, but saying that “ Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.” was totally ok.
It’s a big double standard. Onlies… we can’t say why we like having more to not hurt their feelings, but you say whatever you want about families/kids 2-3 kids?
It’s illogical and unfair to be criticized for sharing my opinion…. But trust me, your comment did nothing to my feelings…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

Well, anyone who thinks that parents of multiples aren’t just as knee-jerk defensive as parents of onlies has just been set straight.

Nope, I did not offend the PP or replied to the same level… nice try

How did that comment feel, PP? Stung and raised your hackles, right? I'm the PP that made that comment and you know, I don't believe it at all actually. I admit to some stereotypes about very big families, which is what I put in my reply, but I don't actually think 3 kids is too many to parent well (for many people who choose to have three). But see how it hurts when someone gives an "in MY opinion" condemnation of your family and parenting? People with 1 or 5 kids hear it all the time. You with your standard 2-3 children don't. So before you tell the next person YOUR opinion about what you think about YOUR family (and only your family, right? Despite what it means for the person standing in front of you listening to your opinions), maybe stop and think about how it felt.

You are wrong. It did not hurt me at all. I am very happy and secure in my family choices. What bothered me was being attacked for saying that in my family, given our personalities and our current situation, having sibling was enriching, but saying that “ Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.” was totally ok.
It’s a big double standard. Onlies… we can’t say why we like having more to not hurt their feelings, but you say whatever you want about families/kids 2-3 kids?
It’s illogical and unfair to be criticized for sharing my opinion…. But trust me, your comment did nothing to my feelings…

Wow, you're still doing it. It's not just YOUR family you're opining on, it's everyone who has the same or a different family structure from you. The "for ME and MINE" trope is tired and one that's been repeated a hundred times. If you have to qualify a statement that way, then just don't say it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

Well, anyone who thinks that parents of multiples aren’t just as knee-jerk defensive as parents of onlies has just been set straight.

Nope, I did not offend the PP or replied to the same level… nice try

How did that comment feel, PP? Stung and raised your hackles, right? I'm the PP that made that comment and you know, I don't believe it at all actually. I admit to some stereotypes about very big families, which is what I put in my reply, but I don't actually think 3 kids is too many to parent well (for many people who choose to have three). But see how it hurts when someone gives an "in MY opinion" condemnation of your family and parenting? People with 1 or 5 kids hear it all the time. You with your standard 2-3 children don't. So before you tell the next person YOUR opinion about what you think about YOUR family (and only your family, right? Despite what it means for the person standing in front of you listening to your opinions), maybe stop and think about how it felt.

You are wrong. It did not hurt me at all. I am very happy and secure in my family choices. What bothered me was being attacked for saying that in my family, given our personalities and our current situation, having sibling was enriching, but saying that “ Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.” was totally ok.
It’s a big double standard. Onlies… we can’t say why we like having more to not hurt their feelings, but you say whatever you want about families/kids 2-3 kids?
It’s illogical and unfair to be criticized for sharing my opinion…. But trust me, your comment did nothing to my feelings…

Wow, you're still doing it. It's not just YOUR family you're opining on, it's everyone who has the same or a different family structure from you. The "for ME and MINE" trope is tired and one that's been repeated a hundred times. If you have to qualify a statement that way, then just don't say it.

DP, but you were doing the same thing by insisting that all parents with 3+ kids neglect their needs. That's just as obnoxious as saying that all only kids are miserable.

The OP's question is a fairly straightforward one: does having two kids generally require more time for parents than having one kid? Yes, of course. That's a statement of time and logistics, not a value judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

Well, anyone who thinks that parents of multiples aren’t just as knee-jerk defensive as parents of onlies has just been set straight.

Nope, I did not offend the PP or replied to the same level… nice try

How did that comment feel, PP? Stung and raised your hackles, right? I'm the PP that made that comment and you know, I don't believe it at all actually. I admit to some stereotypes about very big families, which is what I put in my reply, but I don't actually think 3 kids is too many to parent well (for many people who choose to have three). But see how it hurts when someone gives an "in MY opinion" condemnation of your family and parenting? People with 1 or 5 kids hear it all the time. You with your standard 2-3 children don't. So before you tell the next person YOUR opinion about what you think about YOUR family (and only your family, right? Despite what it means for the person standing in front of you listening to your opinions), maybe stop and think about how it felt.

You are wrong. It did not hurt me at all. I am very happy and secure in my family choices. What bothered me was being attacked for saying that in my family, given our personalities and our current situation, having sibling was enriching, but saying that “ Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.” was totally ok.
It’s a big double standard. Onlies… we can’t say why we like having more to not hurt their feelings, but you say whatever you want about families/kids 2-3 kids?
It’s illogical and unfair to be criticized for sharing my opinion…. But trust me, your comment did nothing to my feelings…

Wow, you're still doing it. It's not just YOUR family you're opining on, it's everyone who has the same or a different family structure from you. The "for ME and MINE" trope is tired and one that's been repeated a hundred times. If you have to qualify a statement that way, then just don't say it.

DP, but you were doing the same thing by insisting that all parents with 3+ kids neglect their needs. That's just as obnoxious as saying that all only kids are miserable.

The OP's question is a fairly straightforward one: does having two kids generally require more time for parents than having one kid? Yes, of course. That's a statement of time and logistics, not a value judgment.

Saying that “for my family siblings are enriching” and saying that “all parents of 3+ kids neglect their children” is not the same thing at all. Similar statement would have been “in my family we are closer because it’s just 3 f us”.

So, no, PP was not saying anything remotely comparable to what I was saying (since I did not say that “onlies live poor lives”)

[Anonymous]

None of y'all sound happy with your choices because if you were, you wouldn't be defensively yelling about it on here.

I love my family size (I have an only) but also get that it's not for everyone. The only thing that is annoying to me is when people idiotically weigh in on the size of my family without thinking about all the many factors that go into those decisions (age, money, fertility, availability of support, mental health, etc.) that can vary greatly from person to person. Sometimes people will make this comments about my kid being lonely or whatever and honestly they don't really bother me because I know it's not the case. Like anyone who thinks my kid might be weird or selfish or lonely because they don't have a sibling is kind of dumb because anyone who meets my kid will see that they are none of those things. But I don't like when people poke at my decision to only have one because I definitely wanted another one at one point and it was sad when we made the [correct] decision to stick with one. I don't want/need people who don't understand those dynamics weighting in or passing judgment. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

Well, anyone who thinks that parents of multiples aren’t just as knee-jerk defensive as parents of onlies has just been set straight.

Nope, I did not offend the PP or replied to the same level… nice try

How did that comment feel, PP? Stung and raised your hackles, right? I'm the PP that made that comment and you know, I don't believe it at all actually. I admit to some stereotypes about very big families, which is what I put in my reply, but I don't actually think 3 kids is too many to parent well (for many people who choose to have three). But see how it hurts when someone gives an "in MY opinion" condemnation of your family and parenting? People with 1 or 5 kids hear it all the time. You with your standard 2-3 children don't. So before you tell the next person YOUR opinion about what you think about YOUR family (and only your family, right? Despite what it means for the person standing in front of you listening to your opinions), maybe stop and think about how it felt.

You are wrong. It did not hurt me at all. I am very happy and secure in my family choices. What bothered me was being attacked for saying that in my family, given our personalities and our current situation, having sibling was enriching, but saying that “ Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.” was totally ok.
It’s a big double standard. Onlies… we can’t say why we like having more to not hurt their feelings, but you say whatever you want about families/kids 2-3 kids?
It’s illogical and unfair to be criticized for sharing my opinion…. But trust me, your comment did nothing to my feelings…

Wow, you're still doing it. It's not just YOUR family you're opining on, it's everyone who has the same or a different family structure from you. The "for ME and MINE" trope is tired and one that's been repeated a hundred times. If you have to qualify a statement that way, then just don't say it.

DP, but you were doing the same thing by insisting that all parents with 3+ kids neglect their needs. That's just as obnoxious as saying that all only kids are miserable.

The OP's question is a fairly straightforward one: does having two kids generally require more time for parents than having one kid? Yes, of course. That's a statement of time and logistics, not a value judgment.

Saying that “for my family siblings are enriching” and saying that “all parents of 3+ kids neglect their children” is not the same thing at all. Similar statement would have been “in my family we are closer because it’s just 3 f us”.

So, no, PP was not saying anything remotely comparable to what I was saying (since I did not say that “onlies live poor lives”)

Right - agreed - I was trying to make an example of what would be a comparable statement, not imply that you said onlies are miserable. My apologies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of y'all sound happy with your choices because if you were, you wouldn't be defensively yelling about it on here.

I love my family size (I have an only) but also get that it's not for everyone. The only thing that is annoying to me is when people idiotically weigh in on the size of my family without thinking about all the many factors that go into those decisions (age, money, fertility, availability of support, mental health, etc.) that can vary greatly from person to person. Sometimes people will make this comments about my kid being lonely or whatever and honestly they don't really bother me because I know it's not the case. Like anyone who thinks my kid might be weird or selfish or lonely because they don't have a sibling is kind of dumb because anyone who meets my kid will see that they are none of those things. But I don't like when people poke at my decision to only have one because I definitely wanted another one at one point and it was sad when we made the [correct] decision to stick with one. I don't want/need people who don't understand those dynamics weighting in or passing judgment. MYOB.

You know, I think that some people would be really lonely as only children and others would love it. I am thinking of the sisters in “Little Women” since most of us have read it at one point or another. Amy, the youngest and the most social, probably would have loved being an only child and having all of the family resources dedicated to her. But Beth, the shy introvert, would probably have had a very lonely life without her sisters.

Different people can have different experiences of exactly the same situation and upbringing. You can be right about your child thriving AND they can be right that they would have been lonely as an only child. Both things can be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

Well, anyone who thinks that parents of multiples aren’t just as knee-jerk defensive as parents of onlies has just been set straight.

Nope, I did not offend the PP or replied to the same level… nice try

How did that comment feel, PP? Stung and raised your hackles, right? I'm the PP that made that comment and you know, I don't believe it at all actually. I admit to some stereotypes about very big families, which is what I put in my reply, but I don't actually think 3 kids is too many to parent well (for many people who choose to have three). But see how it hurts when someone gives an "in MY opinion" condemnation of your family and parenting? People with 1 or 5 kids hear it all the time. You with your standard 2-3 children don't. So before you tell the next person YOUR opinion about what you think about YOUR family (and only your family, right? Despite what it means for the person standing in front of you listening to your opinions), maybe stop and think about how it felt.

You are wrong. It did not hurt me at all. I am very happy and secure in my family choices. What bothered me was being attacked for saying that in my family, given our personalities and our current situation, having sibling was enriching, but saying that “ Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.” was totally ok.
It’s a big double standard. Onlies… we can’t say why we like having more to not hurt their feelings, but you say whatever you want about families/kids 2-3 kids?
It’s illogical and unfair to be criticized for sharing my opinion…. But trust me, your comment did nothing to my feelings…

Yes, obviously your feelings are as serene as a mountain lake.

This is the place on the internet where people come to be criticized for sharing their opinion. You might want to try someone,ace warmer and more supportive, like Reddit.

[Anonymous]

working full time with no help and a bunch of kids makes no sense in this county and i am not sympathetic for the people who decide to live that life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:working full time with no help and a bunch of kids makes no sense in this county and i am not sympathetic for the people who decide to live that life.

As a PP with three kids and who works FT, I don’t want or need your sympathy. I chose this life. Just don’t tell me I must be a shitty mother because I work and have three kids. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:working full time with no help and a bunch of kids makes no sense in this county and i am not sympathetic for the people who decide to live that life.

As a PP with three kids and who works FT, I don’t want or need your sympathy. I chose this life. Just don’t tell me I must be a shitty mother because I work and have three kids. That’s all.

NP. So angry! And too bad, we can say whatever we want. You do sound like a s****y mother because you’re so annoying and hypocritical.