Mom with 1 kid vs more kids have more time/energy for herself

[Anonymous]

I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Yes, happy parents matter so much more than anything else. Good for you, PP. It takes a lot of strength to buck societal norms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

You’re lucky then.
My oldest is not my favorite child. He has been difficult from the beginning, and if he was my only, I would not enjoy being a parent. Fortunately for my family (including my oldest child), we have more children, and our house is a joyful one with a lot of games and music and laughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

[Anonymous]

It’s harder for you OP because your youngest 4 - not because you have 2 kids - although it does sound like you do 100% of the afternoon and evening coordination without help from a partner.

Once your youngest is in school and your kids are on the same schedule, you will likely start to carpool for the older one. I have 2 kids and plenty of time for my own hobbies - but my husband helps and my kids are at the same elementary together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

It’s totally fine for parents of 2+ kids to say THEY wouldn’t be happy with 1. But it gets old hearing how those of us with 1 have done a disservice to our child. The crux of the matter is that everyone’s idea of family balance is different. Some people love the energy and dynamics in busy, large families. Others like the dynamics of small families. Whether people WOH, SAH, etc. It is not a one size fits all topic and there is no right or wrong family size.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, obviously all other things being equal, 1 child is a lot less work than 2 or 3+.

I have 3 under 9 and we are busy. I am still able to workout a bit because work is flexible and I work from home so I always find time to go for a 30 min run. Money is much tighter than if we were only putting 2 child through private school, etc.

But I also would never want to have an only and that’s why I have 3. My kids play (and sometimes fight) together all the time, they have their own unique relationships and they are teaching so much to one another. My kids’ lives are so much richer than they would have been had they been onlies.

We all prioritize and want different things. The lucky ones are the ones that are able to have what they want… including parents of onlies.

The bolded is not true but I'm glad you got the family you want and it sounds like your kids are having a great childhood. But that's a loaded judgment that is false, it's like people who don't think you can have a meaningful life without becoming a parent or people who think SAHMs can't have intellectual stimulation in their lives. It's based on a narrow experience that assumes the alternatives are not as good. They are, they are just different.

+1

Eh. I’m a NP who also has three kids. That they have each other as siblings enriches their lives in specific ways, at least as children. It also means trade-offs of less enrichment around things like specialized camps, lots of activities and extracurriculars, etc., because we don’t have the resources (of all kinds) to give those to each kid. I wouldn’t necessarily say my kids live richer lives than only children, but they do have sibling relationships that only children, by definition, don’t have. Mostly, so far, I think those are for the better.

I also work FT and have time to myself. My youngest is six, which helps, but I have always made time for daily exercise and with friends, at the very least. Now I’m at the point of being able to read for pleasure, which I love. If I really wanted to do a pottery class or something, DH and I could work it out. I also agree with a PP who said to embrace this season of life - I signed up to be a working mom of three kids, so I’m certainly not going to complain about it. I feel like I won the damn lottery.

Maybe for YOUR kids. Man you people are myopic. It's really sad.

+1

Please have your kids come back and report in 40 years when they are fighting over your elder care or estate.

Christ on a cross, you people are defensive. It's staggering, truly.

The bolded is one of the most disgusting things I've ever read on DCUM and I've been on here way too long.

Oh, calm your shorts - somehow in your world, it’s perfectly fine to imply that only children cannot possibly have a rich, love filled childhood, because they will somehow never know the apparently boundless love of a sibling? And how easy moms of onlies have it… such indulgent laziness!

All the boasting and positioning it like some kind of altruistic gift to give your children sibling relationships, etc. is hilarious. You didn’t have multiple kids for your kids, you have them for your own selfish reasons. You have NO idea what a sibling relationship will be over the course of a lifetime - check out the Family Relationships forum for some insight into that.

We have childless friends, child free friends, friends with inlines, friends with “normal” 2/3 kid families, and some friends with very large families (6+). I’ve never come across the same attitudes that seem to appear here towards any size family!

People on DCUM love to point out the potential downsides of siblings, but IRL most of the adults I know have good relationships with their siblings. You can appreciate having siblings and still respect others' choice if they only want to have 1 child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, obviously all other things being equal, 1 child is a lot less work than 2 or 3+.

I have 3 under 9 and we are busy. I am still able to workout a bit because work is flexible and I work from home so I always find time to go for a 30 min run. Money is much tighter than if we were only putting 2 child through private school, etc.

But I also would never want to have an only and that’s why I have 3. My kids play (and sometimes fight) together all the time, they have their own unique relationships and they are teaching so much to one another. My kids’ lives are so much richer than they would have been had they been onlies.

We all prioritize and want different things. The lucky ones are the ones that are able to have what they want… including parents of onlies.

The bolded is not true but I'm glad you got the family you want and it sounds like your kids are having a great childhood. But that's a loaded judgment that is false, it's like people who don't think you can have a meaningful life without becoming a parent or people who think SAHMs can't have intellectual stimulation in their lives. It's based on a narrow experience that assumes the alternatives are not as good. They are, they are just different.

+1

Eh. I’m a NP who also has three kids. That they have each other as siblings enriches their lives in specific ways, at least as children. It also means trade-offs of less enrichment around things like specialized camps, lots of activities and extracurriculars, etc., because we don’t have the resources (of all kinds) to give those to each kid. I wouldn’t necessarily say my kids live richer lives than only children, but they do have sibling relationships that only children, by definition, don’t have. Mostly, so far, I think those are for the better.

I also work FT and have time to myself. My youngest is six, which helps, but I have always made time for daily exercise and with friends, at the very least. Now I’m at the point of being able to read for pleasure, which I love. If I really wanted to do a pottery class or something, DH and I could work it out. I also agree with a PP who said to embrace this season of life - I signed up to be a working mom of three kids, so I’m certainly not going to complain about it. I feel like I won the damn lottery.

Maybe for YOUR kids. Man you people are myopic. It's really sad.

+1

Please have your kids come back and report in 40 years when they are fighting over your elder care or estate.

Christ on a cross, you people are defensive. It's staggering, truly.

The bolded is one of the most disgusting things I've ever read on DCUM and I've been on here way too long.

Oh, calm your shorts - somehow in your world, it’s perfectly fine to imply that only children cannot possibly have a rich, love filled childhood, because they will somehow never know the apparently boundless love of a sibling? And how easy moms of onlies have it… such indulgent laziness!

All the boasting and positioning it like some kind of altruistic gift to give your children sibling relationships, etc. is hilarious. You didn’t have multiple kids for your kids, you have them for your own selfish reasons. You have NO idea what a sibling relationship will be over the course of a lifetime - check out the Family Relationships forum for some insight into that.

We have childless friends, child free friends, friends with inlines, friends with “normal” 2/3 kid families, and some friends with very large families (6+). I’ve never come across the same attitudes that seem to appear here towards any size family!

People on DCUM love to point out the potential downsides of siblings, but IRL most of the adults I know have good relationships with their siblings. You can appreciate having siblings and still respect others' choice if they only want to have 1 child.

I think people often just don’t talk about these things. I have a hard relationship with my only sibling, but I don’t go around sharing that with all of my friends and acquaintances. We all hope our children have healthy adult relationships with each other, but there are no guarantees in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent to an only, thank you parents of multiples for sticking up for us and our kids on this thread. It’s exhausting to read these kinds of posts and have to continually argue against the pity and stereotypes. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but I hope we can all get to a place where we can understand that different family structures are rich in different ways, not more or lesser than.

And if I never have to hear “I’d never have an only” or “I would have had zero or two, never one” again, I’ll die happy. Lucky you that you got to make that choice.

This x 1 billion! I love this post so much. Thank you.

For us having an only was not a choice — we spent every penny we had on IVFs that only led to heartbreaking miscarriages. So smug “I would never have an only” people are painfully oblivious to their own unearned luck.

Having said that, I won the lottery by happening to have a kid who has no desire for a sibling and in fact occasionally crows about not having one. He has many friends with siblings so he is very aware of the benefits! It’s a personality thing and I’m grateful. The loss is mine, not his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

DP, but hold on right there. There's a BIG difference between saying YOU the parent would not be happy, and saying your CHILDREN are less happy or have less rich lives. 99.9% of the time people with 2+ say they would never want to have "only one" BECAUSE only children are lonely/selfish/alone after their parents die/missing out on foundational life experiences and relationships. If you said "I love kids and want to raise a gaggle, so I'd never be happy stopping at one," that's one thing. But that's just not what people actually say when they're having these conversations based on the dozens of times I've had it over the years.

See the difference?

The reason why I had more children it’s because I think my (and my kids’) life is better with more kids. This is my opinion based on my priorities. I never pretend to speak for anyone else. My kids (and I) are actually poorer in some ways than if I only had one. Financially for example. I am poorer because I have to pay 3 tuitions, 3 sets of activities, 3 plane tickets, etc. Given my HHI I am probably still richer than some families with 1 kid.

Same applies to time. I have a nanny and a flexible job so while my kids keep me busier than if I only had 1, I might still have more time than single moms that work 2 jobs and have no help even if they only have 1 kid.

Everything is relative to MY situation and MY life. In MY opinion MY kids’s lives are richer from having siblings than from having an extra play date or activity or an extra hour alone with their parents per week.
If I had 2 jobs and no help I would probably think my kids lives would be richer if they were onlies because they would be able to have more of everything. Same applies to other priorities/needs of course. If I appreciated quietness, alone time, if I were introverted, etc. I would probably prefer to have only one or even perhaps not kids at all.

I was lucky I was able to have the family I wanted when others are not. Families that only wanted 1, but end up with twins or surprise baby, families that wanted kids, but for one reason or another can’t have kids, etc.

TBH, I would never want 3 children. Parents with 3+ think children need a lot less parenting than they really do. Your children need you, not a nanny and each other as a substitute. You'll never be able to make up for their lack of time and attention from their parents, but you comfort yourself that they have each other and "enough" of you. There's nothing you can do about it now, but I'm sorry for your children.

Oh ok… how is it ok for you to say all of this? but not ok to say that siblings bring some kind of richness to kids’ lives? live a much poorer life? Don’t worry about my children. They get “enough” of me… your probably gets too much though

Well, anyone who thinks that parents of multiples aren’t just as knee-jerk defensive as parents of onlies has just been set straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child by choice. It was the best thing I ever did for our family. I would not be happy with two, even if the second were as easy as the first.

Wait… so it’s ok for you to say that you would not be happy with more kids, but not ok for parents of 2+ to say that they would never want to have only 1?

It’s totally fine for parents of 2+ kids to say THEY wouldn’t be happy with 1. But it gets old hearing how those of us with 1 have done a disservice to our child. The crux of the matter is that everyone’s idea of family balance is different. Some people love the energy and dynamics in busy, large families. Others like the dynamics of small families. Whether people WOH, SAH, etc. It is not a one size fits all topic and there is no right or wrong family size.

I 100% agree with you… and that is all I meant in my post above.