If you have kids and boomer parents, do you get less help with kids than they got?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We get zero help from our Boomer parents. Zero. They basically do not know their grandkids at all. This was largely their choice, although at this point my daughters are so angry that they don't want to see or talk to their grandparents at all. COVID is not the reason - it was the same pre-COVID.

Our Boomer parents got much, much, much more help from their WWII generation parents.

I'm angry and have posted about our situation here before, only to be screamed at by Boomers that I'm being ageist and have no right to expect help with my kids. But it is hurtful that our parents DGAF about our kids (or really about us).

I think your anger and the fact that it seems to be growing is more the reason than anything else. I see your posts and I am immediately struck by how unpleasant a person you seem to be. Maybe you need to look inside you first before you start casting blame at others? Therapy can help with that.

It also sounds like this is an issue with OPs parents, not their whole generation. Either they are terrible people, or they were terrible parents (to raise such an angry child) or both. Agree that therapy would be a good path so the PP can let go of these feelings, particularly since she is passing them on to her kids, and move on.

Do you mean PP’s parents? I’m OP and my parents aren’t like that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Looks like a lot of people who get less help only get less because of practical reasons. Do you think that if your parents were closer and physically able you would get more help?

No, I think it would be about the same as what my parents got from my grandparents.

[Anonymous]

My boomer mom wants to be helpful, but she's too busy caring for my grandma, who has been hanging on for much longer than anyone expected. I rarely ask her to babysit because she's spent her entire life as a caregiver in one form or another. I do like her to spend time with my kids to build a relationship and memories with them. My dad was never much of a dad to begin with, so wouldn't trust him to watch my kids alone, although he is very kind to them whenever we visit and they adore him. My relationship with both of my boomer parents has already turned and now they look to me to solve their problems (not financial problems though, TG).

[Anonymous]

My "boomer" parents were still working when my kids needed childcare.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents lived on the other side of the world, so no.

[Anonymous]

I get way more help than my parents did. Our family lived far away and we were never able to see them when we were kids because travel was so expensive. It was expensive to talk to my grandparents on the phone too.

[Anonymous]

Way less. My grandmother retired when I was born and cared for me for 3 years. My mom did not do this (I did not ask). My parents also had assistance buying their first home. We did not.

[Anonymous]

My boomer parents help me and my siblings way more than their parents helped them. They got no help, we get occasional help. Nobody is provided free daily day care or anything close to that. Occasional overnight babysitting and some financial assistance when we were all just starting out.

[Anonymous]

My boomer mom (while alive) was super helpful, and enjoyed being around her granddaughter a lot. She went out of her way to help because her mom gave her very little help when she had kids and it stung. My in laws are super helpful too, almost certainly more than their parents were. They live far away though so we’re moving to be closer to them. I know others with helpful boomer parents. I don’t think it’s a generational thing.

[Anonymous]

Seems like OP's efforts to demonize an entire generation because she has lousy parents have failed. Most posters actually DO report getting more help from boomer parents than the boomer parents got themselves.

Epic fail, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like OP's efforts to demonize an entire generation because she has lousy parents have failed. Most posters actually DO report getting more help from boomer parents than the boomer parents got themselves.

Epic fail, OP.

What on earth? Haha my parents and in-laws are great! They don’t help much because *I* moved away.

And I don’t think this thread was a fail at all. I have found all the different stories and perspectives really interesting.

[Anonymous]

I think your anger and the fact that it seems to be growing is more the reason than anything else. I see your posts and I am immediately struck by how unpleasant a person you seem to be. Maybe you need to look inside you first before you start casting blame at others? Therapy can help with that.

Yes, I am angry, and probably unpleasant on this issue, but it is well earned after many years of having my daughters ignored by their grandparents. I sure did not start out angry. But my parents and my husband's parents have definitely impacted our relationship with their behavior toward our daughters. How would you feel if your kids' birthdays were forgotten (not just no presents, which I don't care about, but entirely unacknowledged)? If your husband's parents had no interest in talking to your kids, ever? If your husband's parents don't even mention the existence of your family in their Christmas letter? If your own parents couldn't tolerate being with your kids for even a little while and yelled at or spanked them for normal kid behavior (and now are hypercritical and judgmental of every single thing they do)?

I don't want my daughters growing up thinking it's their fault their grandparents don't care about them -- that they aren't good or interesting or valuable enough. I have tried mightily not to pass on my anger; God knows I have tried to be more gracious in person than I am in this thread (you do realize people vent here, yes?), but my daughters are teens now and came to the realization all on their own that their grandparents simply don't care. It's hurtful, and nothing is going to change that fact.

People say it's not generational, and I am sure there are plenty of good and devoted Boomer grandparents. But OP asked about individual experiences, and I am giving my individual answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think your anger and the fact that it seems to be growing is more the reason than anything else. I see your posts and I am immediately struck by how unpleasant a person you seem to be. Maybe you need to look inside you first before you start casting blame at others? Therapy can help with that.

Yes, I am angry, and probably unpleasant on this issue, but it is well earned after many years of having my daughters ignored by their grandparents. I sure did not start out angry. But my parents and my husband's parents have definitely impacted our relationship with their behavior toward our daughters. How would you feel if your kids' birthdays were forgotten (not just no presents, which I don't care about, but entirely unacknowledged)? If your husband's parents had no interest in talking to your kids, ever? If your husband's parents don't even mention the existence of your family in their Christmas letter? If your own parents couldn't tolerate being with your kids for even a little while and yelled at or spanked them for normal kid behavior (and now are hypercritical and judgmental of every single thing they do)?

I don't want my daughters growing up thinking it's their fault their grandparents don't care about them -- that they aren't good or interesting or valuable enough. I have tried mightily not to pass on my anger; God knows I have tried to be more gracious in person than I am in this thread (you do realize people vent here, yes?), but my daughters are teens now and came to the realization all on their own that their grandparents simply don't care. It's hurtful, and nothing is going to change that fact.

People say it's not generational, and I am sure there are plenty of good and devoted Boomer grandparents. But OP asked about individual experiences, and I am giving my individual answer.

It is interesting that you don't see that your parents and your husband's parents interact with the other family members and not yours. That says something to me ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think your anger and the fact that it seems to be growing is more the reason than anything else. I see your posts and I am immediately struck by how unpleasant a person you seem to be. Maybe you need to look inside you first before you start casting blame at others? Therapy can help with that.

Yes, I am angry, and probably unpleasant on this issue, but it is well earned after many years of having my daughters ignored by their grandparents. I sure did not start out angry. But my parents and my husband's parents have definitely impacted our relationship with their behavior toward our daughters. How would you feel if your kids' birthdays were forgotten (not just no presents, which I don't care about, but entirely unacknowledged)? If your husband's parents had no interest in talking to your kids, ever? If your husband's parents don't even mention the existence of your family in their Christmas letter? If your own parents couldn't tolerate being with your kids for even a little while and yelled at or spanked them for normal kid behavior (and now are hypercritical and judgmental of every single thing they do)?

I don't want my daughters growing up thinking it's their fault their grandparents don't care about them -- that they aren't good or interesting or valuable enough. I have tried mightily not to pass on my anger; God knows I have tried to be more gracious in person than I am in this thread (you do realize people vent here, yes?), but my daughters are teens now and came to the realization all on their own that their grandparents simply don't care. It's hurtful, and nothing is going to change that fact.

People say it's not generational, and I am sure there are plenty of good and devoted Boomer grandparents. But OP asked about individual experiences, and I am giving my individual answer.

It is interesting that you don't see that your parents and your husband's parents interact with the other family members and not yours. That says something to me ...

NP. What this response says to me is that you yourself are a pretty unpleasant person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think your anger and the fact that it seems to be growing is more the reason than anything else. I see your posts and I am immediately struck by how unpleasant a person you seem to be. Maybe you need to look inside you first before you start casting blame at others? Therapy can help with that.

Yes, I am angry, and probably unpleasant on this issue, but it is well earned after many years of having my daughters ignored by their grandparents. I sure did not start out angry. But my parents and my husband's parents have definitely impacted our relationship with their behavior toward our daughters. How would you feel if your kids' birthdays were forgotten (not just no presents, which I don't care about, but entirely unacknowledged)? If your husband's parents had no interest in talking to your kids, ever? If your husband's parents don't even mention the existence of your family in their Christmas letter? If your own parents couldn't tolerate being with your kids for even a little while and yelled at or spanked them for normal kid behavior (and now are hypercritical and judgmental of every single thing they do)?

I don't want my daughters growing up thinking it's their fault their grandparents don't care about them -- that they aren't good or interesting or valuable enough. I have tried mightily not to pass on my anger; God knows I have tried to be more gracious in person than I am in this thread (you do realize people vent here, yes?), but my daughters are teens now and came to the realization all on their own that their grandparents simply don't care. It's hurtful, and nothing is going to change that fact.

People say it's not generational, and I am sure there are plenty of good and devoted Boomer grandparents. But OP asked about individual experiences, and I am giving my individual answer.

Yes, your entire individualized answer, and it has NOTHING to do with your or your husband's parents' generation and everything to do with the two of you coming from awful, dysfunctional families. It gives you no right to lash out at innocent bystanders.