Criminal record = dealbreaker?

[Anonymous]

34?! You’re a baby!

Also: no. Multiple convictions. This is someone who either doesn’t learn well or has substance abuse problems. Just no.

[Anonymous]

Dig deeper, even a PI, you will learn more.

[Anonymous]

For me the red flag is not necessarily the DUI (if long ago) or drug offenses (if weed, and again if long ago). The red flag is "I'd be the breadwinner". Nothing against making more $ than a spouse but being sole breadwinner is a risk.

[Anonymous]

DUI not a dealbreaker for me as kong as he hasn’t repeated it. Some places have zero tolerance and it don’t think 1-2 glasses of wine with dinner shouldn’t be allowed. I’ve driver while tired; almost fell asleep. Not sure about drug offences. Why wasn’t one enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DUI not a dealbreaker for me as kong as he hasn’t repeated it. Some places have zero tolerance and it don’t think 1-2 glasses of wine with dinner shouldn’t be allowed. I’ve driver while tired; almost fell asleep. Not sure about drug offences. Why wasn’t one enough?

Places usually only have zero tolerance for under 21s.

I have absolutely no patience for drunk drivers and for me the DUI is a much bigger deal than drug offenses. Just having/possessing drugs doesn't hurt anyone else (we can argue about the ethics of the drug trade, but it's not immediately risking another person). Drunk driving kills.

A claddmate of mine lost her spouse to a high driver. Driver dragged him down the street and bystanders had to force the car to stop and lift thr car off him. Just absolutely horrible. Never, ever okay to drive Drunk, especially these days with Uber and Lyft.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

How many DUIs does your husband have?

None. Nor has he ever been arrested for anything.

Yet you are advising women to do what you didn't.

I also support a woman's right to have an abortion even though I didn't have one when I had an unplanned pregnancy. So what? Just because I haven't done something doesn't mean I can't opine on an issue. DCUM, clearly, isn't for you.

{claps} Yes!+1000

Another dumb ass. I get it you're on college break and you think throwing out random statements about abortions and women's rights is a legitimate argument. Well love, this ain't Twitter or Tumblr. IF you have never dealt with a guy who has a history of drug abuse you have no idea what it's like so you really shouldn't be telling other women it's no big deal give him a chance it will be a great relationship. If you want to boldly proclaim that OP and other women should give a guy with multiple DUIs and drug charges and no job but side a hustle at 34 a chance you better have some incredible life experience to back that up. Which you don't, so be quiet and leave the advice to the adults.

<sigh> Again, no one is saying this isn't a big deal or should be ignored. It requires evaluation. Also, the OP did not indicate there was any drug abuse or current drug use. The OP indicated this guy is 'gainfully employed'. I have to wonder what baggage you carry that causes you to make sh!t up to support your assertions. I hope you, at some point, seek professional help, if not for yourself, then for your the sake of your loved ones. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

How many DUIs does your husband have?

None. Nor has he ever been arrested for anything.

Yet you are advising women to do what you didn't.

I also support a woman's right to have an abortion even though I didn't have one when I had an unplanned pregnancy. So what? Just because I haven't done something doesn't mean I can't opine on an issue. DCUM, clearly, isn't for you.

{claps} Yes!+1000

Another dumb ass. I get it you're on college break and you think throwing out random statements about abortions and women's rights is a legitimate argument. Well love, this ain't Twitter or Tumblr. IF you have never dealt with a guy who has a history of drug abuse you have no idea what it's like so you really shouldn't be telling other women it's no big deal give him a chance it will be a great relationship. If you want to boldly proclaim that OP and other women should give a guy with multiple DUIs and drug charges and no job but side a hustle at 34 a chance you better have some incredible life experience to back that up. Which you don't, so be quiet and leave the advice to the adults.

<sigh> Again, no one is saying this isn't a big deal or should be ignored. It requires evaluation. Also, the OP did not indicate there was any drug abuse or current drug use. The OP indicated this guy is 'gainfully employed'. I have to wonder what baggage you carry that causes you to make sh!t up to support your assertions. I hope you, at some point, seek professional help, if not for yourself, then for your the sake of your loved ones. Good luck.

<sigh> Again, no “evaluation” is required. She’s in her 30s. He’s a grown man who has multiple convictions and a “side gig” job. She needs to stop wasting time with this loser, dump his a** and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the context and his background matter. Frankly, if he’s black and the arrests are for pot 10+ years ago, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash. Do you refuse to date anyone who has ever smoked pot? Because if not, you’re just red flagging someone because they come from a demographic that actually gets prosecuted. The DUI is the only one I think is an actual red flag and I’d need details.

+1 Context definitely matters.

[Anonymous]

It all depends how he’s living now. Did he learn his lessons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former prosecutor/defense attorney here.

If the drug convictions are for marijuana, I would essentially consider them nonexistent. Marijuana will be legal everywhere within another decade and the whole bullshit war on drugs has been an enormous waste of resources resulting in many ruined lives - I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy’s convictions have been an obstacle to traditional career success, for instance.

Was the DUI for alcohol or marijuana? There is plentiful gray area there because many DUI-marijuana convictions don’t actually involve impaired driving - THC stays in the body for weeks and the science around what constitutes an inebriating level of THC metabolite is still evolving. I have a shit ton of experience prosecuting and defending these cases so am not pulling this out my butt.

If the DUI was for alcohol I would want to take some time and get a sense of this man’s current relationship to alcohol use and whether it is disordered. I would not want to get into a relationship with an alcoholic, but wouldn’t have a problem with getting into a relationship with someone who uses marijuana for medical reasons or even recreationally so long as the use is not disordered.

As to the many judgmental comments here - I would dismiss them outright. The vast majority of people who drink alcohol have at one time or another driven under the influence - maybe not over .08, but nevertheless buzzed enough that their driving was not up to usual snuff. In my experience lots of folks who preach about DUI and are self righteous on the issue have done it themselves, but they think they’re different and that they weren’t that intoxicated. The vast majority of DUIs never get caught. Please understand that I am not condoning DUI, I am merely providing a pragmatic view of reality. I bet anything that some of the women on this board who look down their nose at your BF have gotten behind the wheel under the influence themselves - if not of alcohol than of prescription medications. Or they’ve driven while distracted by their cell phones, which NHTSA research shows is equal to if not more impairing than driving under the influence of alcohol/drugs.

You need to use your best judgment in assessing your BF’s ‘criminal’ background. The most important factor to consider is what is his current use of and relationship to substances that can lead to disordered use - alcohol being of greater concern than marijuana. Don’t automatically discount someone as a potentially great life partner because they don’t have an impeccable background by DCUM standards- if anything I would consider that an advantage.

Best answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the age bracket where DCUM would tell me to lower my standards (or the softer version, “broaden your horizons”)

I’ve been going out with a guy who is handsome, gainfully employed with a few (legal!) entrepreneurial side hustles (though I would be the bread winner in the partnership, at least at first). He is fun and laid back. He did however just disclose to me that he has a record - one DUI and two nonviolent drug offenses. I’m of the mind that drugs should just be legal anyway and that while DUIs are bad, they are unfortunately common. That being said, I don’t know this guy well enough to know whether it’s a matter of reformed decisions and since having gotten his life in order, or if this is a huge red flag that he’s bad news. For a 34 year old, is this something I should just let slide?

It would depend on how long ago and whether he still has any possible addiction or substance use disorder issues now. I am impressed he told you. That's a good sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be honest OP, it’s your statement that you’d be the breadwinner “for now” that gives me pause. Not about money even, but it sounds like you are being hustled. I definitely avoid guys who talk and live in a space of “I am about to make it big.”

+1
My thoughts too!
I'd also conduct a thorough background investigation on him for further info, if you are still hestitant about leaving him behind.

[Anonymous]

Does he have a real job + side hustles, or is he cobbling together money with multiple side hustles?

What were the drug offenses for? How long ago was the DUI?