Criminal record = dealbreaker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the age bracket where DCUM would tell me to lower my standards (or the softer version, “broaden your horizons”)

I’ve been going out with a guy who is handsome, gainfully employed with a few (legal!) entrepreneurial side hustles (though I would be the bread winner in the partnership, at least at first). He is fun and laid back. He did however just disclose to me that he has a record - one DUI and two nonviolent drug offenses. I’m of the mind that drugs should just be legal anyway and that while DUIs are bad, they are unfortunately common. That being said, I don’t know this guy well enough to know whether it’s a matter of reformed decisions and since having gotten his life in order, or if this is a huge red flag that he’s bad news. For a 34 year old, is this something I should just let slide?

What are your long term goals OP? By age 34, most people have a solid idea of their career path and have taken clear steps to make things happen. Is this guy on a legit career path? Is he responsible in terms of meeting his commitments and managing money? Any vices? What are his relationships with his family and friends like? Be very careful about being willing to be the “breadwinner” in the relationship; make sure you can trust the guy with your bread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has a couple of charges for impersonating a postal carrier and, unrelated to those incidents (misunderstandings), unauthorized use of beekeeping equipment, honey and honey by-products. Still, even months after these events, people judge him as less than. It is not fair and indicative of a larger problem in "your" society.

I’m intrigued.

Who wouldn’t be? I need to hear about the postal carrier one

And I want to hear about the guy making a buck by selling watered down honey as honey!

Mail fraud is another story…

Your attention please: impersonating a postal carrier is not "mail fraud." And ask yourself this, how could anyone have mistaken him for a bonafide postal carrier when he was clearly wearing a poly cotton beekeeper's veil-and-round-hat combo? Makes no sense, but that's "justice."

More please, honey thief’s wife!

I feel like the mail/bee thing is from a show or movie. Always Sunny? Arrested Development?

No, wait. New Girl?

No. Dont even know what those are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

[Anonymous]

Provided he no longer drives under the influence or uses illegal drugs I'd be okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The amount of women encouraging you to give him a chance is disheartening.

The number (not amount) of women who don't recognize life isn't black and white is disheartening.

It's black and white when choosing a life partner. That you are more picky with language used on a forum then the person you select as a spouse or father if your kids is sad. Having a man ( any man) just to say you have one is a pathetic way to live.

It must be tough being in any kind of relationship with you. Not only do you fail see shades of grey but you also exaggerate. No one is suggesting 'having a man (any man)' is the goal.

A life partner brings many things to a relationship and, depending on what you value, may be positives or negatives. I would much rather have a partner who can reflect on their behavior/choices, learn and adapt. Someone who understands their flaws, works to mitigate them and not be hamstrung by mistakes in the past. You, clearly, prefer rigidity.

It'll be sad for your kids when they make mistakes that they'll be unwilling to let you know about them because of fear of your judgment. I hope you have the day you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I admire him for disclosing this you you however they are red flags in my opinion.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I admire him for disclosing this you you however they are red flags in my opinion.

+1

\
+100. I think he has learned from his experience and trust you enough to disclose this to you. They are red flags if he is still showing the same behavior otherwise you can give him a chance.

[Anonymous]

If the DUI was long ago and he seems incredibly contrite and embarrassed then that’s fine. But multiple offenses might just lead me to believe he is an addict which would be a dealbreaker. I’d watch his drug and alcohol intake and tread carefully

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I admire him for disclosing this you you however they are red flags in my opinion.

+1

\
+100. I think he has learned from his experience and trust you enough to disclose this to you. They are red flags if he is still showing the same behavior otherwise you can give him a chance.

This is just a trickle, he's seeing how much BS OP is willing to tolerate. OP your gut is telling you this is a bad idea foe a reason end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The amount of women encouraging you to give him a chance is disheartening.

The number (not amount) of women who don't recognize life isn't black and white is disheartening.

It's black and white when choosing a life partner. That you are more picky with language used on a forum then the person you select as a spouse or father if your kids is sad. Having a man ( any man) just to say you have one is a pathetic way to live.

It must be tough being in any kind of relationship with you. Not only do you fail see shades of grey but you also exaggerate. No one is suggesting 'having a man (any man)' is the goal.

A life partner brings many things to a relationship and, depending on what you value, may be positives or negatives. I would much rather have a partner who can reflect on their behavior/choices, learn and adapt. Someone who understands their flaws, works to mitigate them and not be hamstrung by mistakes in the past. You, clearly, prefer rigidity.

It'll be sad for your kids when they make mistakes that they'll be unwilling to let you know about them because of fear of your judgment. I hope you have the day you deserve.

Classic manipulation of a drug and alcohol abuser in the post. DUIS especially multiple are choices. Abusing alcohol and drugs is a choice. It's a choice that not everyone makes. Despite what you may think. It's foolish to act like it. It's also foolish to be willing to get into a relationship with someone who has repeatedly shown they have substance abuse issues and issues following the law. It's also sad that you think women should just accept this kind of a thing and go for it just to have a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

How many DUIs does your husband have?

[Anonymous]

He has a history of substance abuse and DUIs .
He has drug charges.
He at 30 something years old does not have a job, but side hustles.


Sounds like husband and father material for sure!

[Anonymous]

He has THREE convictions. This wasn’t some one time lapse of judgement. How many times do you think he drove drunk before getting caught? How often was he engaged in drug activity to get two arrests and convictions? I could overlook one conviction if it were a long time ago, but three shows a pattern and an unwillingness to straighten out when his actions were negatively impacting his life. I can’t believe it is even a consideration that OP would stay involved with this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My uncle was killed by a drunk driver. DUIs will always be a deal breaker for me.

So sorry for your loss PP.

I cannot understand how some posters are acting like a DUI when you were younger is no big deal.
Each DUI is a huge deal.

Most especially in tragic cases like yours. 💔

No one is saying DUIs aren't a big deal. There's nothing wrong with not being able to date someone who has had a DUI. We are all shaped by our own experiences. They're not necessarily deal breakers for many of us because we recognize that humans can learn from their mistakes, especially when those mistakes happen while young.

Dubya Bush had one DUI when he was young but he learned from his mistakes and went on to have a successful career, so there's that.