My DD has been stealing at school

[Anonymous]

I stole as a child. And a teenager. Does she steal at home? From stores? From friends' homes? From relatives' homes? These are important distinctions. I'm not reading six pages of responses. But assuming this is the only place she has been stealing:

Keep in mind she might be crying at the principal because she got caught, not because she feels bad. Obviously she can't be allowed to go to the bathroom right before lunch anymore. Obviously everything must be given back to the correct kids.

She needs to have it pointed out that if she wanted something , she should have just asked. Because now she's put herself in a position of not deserving anything. Whereas if she'd just asked, and then been a good person, she had a great chance especially with the holidays approaching/here.

Unfortunately at this age although she might have the best intentions she may not be able to resist the urge again, so you'll have to keep a closer eye on her (as will the teacher). You also may have to search her hiding spots as well on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

She helped the teacher and fully confessed to you. Do you feel she is remorseful. If so, I'd probably take away some privileges or work with her to earn your trust back but otherwise I'd go easy on her. The teacher is doing the right thing by not broadcasting this (stick with this very experienced and wise teacher). Hopefully the other teachers are as understanding of the fact that this is a child still developing their moral compass. Of she does end il being stigmatized, I'd consider switching schools too but it's too early for that thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hah, this was me at 6. Same modus operandi too. I noticed that the classroom was unattended during recess, so if I asked to use the bathroom I had unmonitored access. In my case, there wasn't anythign I wanted, other than to exploit the loophole, so I stole pencils out of kids' desks. I think I had amassed 50+ by the time I was caught.

I had to apologize to the whole class, give back the pencils, and then I had early bedtime with no fun stuff for 2 weeks at home.

I ended up using my interest in exploiting "loopholes" to get into computer security. Maybe I should've been a lawyer...?

Anyway, I didn't go to counseling and as far as I know, I didn't end up as a sociopath. I was 6 and just growing up, that's all.

Did you watch several kids cry about the stolen items and still continue to steal?

Others have said it, but I also feel like OP's situation is different, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my 7 year old stole candy from a store I made her go in, apologize to the manager and pay for what she stole.

In this context - several of her peers, I wouldn’t do that and would actually ask the teacher for guidance.

For an at home punishment, I might make to donate one of her toys to hammer home that she should be grateful for what she has and feel the sting of losing it.

ITA here. She's 6. Please don't bring public shame into this. It will follow her around for the rest of elementary school. It may well/probably will follow her around without apology notes. Of course what she did is wrong and there need to be consequences but this isn't her coming home with a friend's toy or bracelet.

I think you should work with the teacher, principal, and counselor. And I'd think pretty seriously about getting her into therapy - maybe short-term to get to the root of this, but something. This was a pretty complex plan that she carried out over a good bit of time. That would concern me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my 7 year old stole candy from a store I made her go in, apologize to the manager and pay for what she stole.

In this context - several of her peers, I wouldn’t do that and would actually ask the teacher for guidance.

For an at home punishment, I might make to donate one of her toys to hammer home that she should be grateful for what she has and feel the sting of losing it.

ITA here. She's 6. Please don't bring public shame into this. It will follow her around for the rest of elementary school. It may well/probably will follow her around without apology notes. Of course what she did is wrong and there need to be consequences but this isn't her coming home with a friend's toy or bracelet.

I think you should work with the teacher, principal, and counselor. And I'd think pretty seriously about getting her into therapy - maybe short-term to get to the root of this, but something. This was a pretty complex plan that she carried out over a good bit of time. That would concern me.

No, this was coming home with many friends’s toys and other treasured items. OP said that DD showed her a grocery bag’s worth of taken items once she got the call from the school. The kids she did this to are actually entitled to apologies, and to not be lied to, IMO.

[Anonymous]

The parents of the affected kids will all know it was OP's DD. The kids will tell their parents their items came back and the parents will tease the story out of them and know Larla was the only one not at specials. Then the those parents will gossip about the stealing scandal in that class. "And she didn't event apologize!"

Have her apologize to her classmates OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't read all the replies so apologies if this has all been said.

This sentence really stood out to me:
"My DD was able to tell me who every single item belonged to and even told me some of the kids cried when they couldn’t find their stuff." That sentence combined with how she "thought long and hard" and repeated the behavior even after seeing kids cry is troubling.

I would talk to your pediatrician to see if these behaviors might indicate something that needs to be addressed by a professional.

I've been a school based SLP for many years, so I've seen a lot.
Kids take stuff from each other all the time, usually a fancy pen or candy or a toy that someone brings in. Ocassionally, there are repeat offenders and the teacher can usually figure it out once a pattern emerges. Often, it is because a kid is jealous because they don't have the same stuff at home and they just want the item. When kids realize that they made another kid sad, they usually feel terrible, and their empathy really comes out. Also, kids often know who the culprit is and the social stigma of being the "stealer" is a huge deterrant. Stealing is really not a good way to make and keep friends and kids know this.

Something about OP's description just seems more serious to me. The kid seems bright, bright enough to come up with her recurring plan but not worried about making kids feel sad or losing friends. This seems like a more involved issue.

Good luck OP, I hope she can figure out why she went so far with this and also find a way to make amends to her classmates.

+1

Same sentences stood out to me. She might be extra bright in already realizing you would not get those items for her, and she sounds very driven to get what she wants, which might provide some explanation for her actions. She was smart enough to plan it out. But her repeat stealing with no empathy towards other classmates crying about their lost items is pretty concerning.

As an aside, parenting is hard. My DD8 cries when she is caught breaking rules (such as playing video games). She'd cry when I gave out punishment of no electronics for X days. I eventually figured out she cries out of frustration that she got caught and received punishment, not that she regretted breaking rules. She hasn't stolen but she is very driven to get what she wants and often pushes boundaries with me. Of my two kids, she's such a tough one to parent.

[Anonymous]

A little baby sociopath. Wow. At least you identified it early.

Start reading up on what your future holds. It isn’t pretty.

This was my cousin as a child. She’s a sociopath and has had a rollercoaster of a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every teacher in the school is aware of her actions by now.

That's laughable. Every teacher in the school could not care less about a first grader stealing stuffed animals. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every teacher in the school is aware of her actions by now.

That's laughable. Every teacher in the school could not care less about a first grader stealing stuffed animals. Seriously.

NP. I wouldn't say every teacher, but having just left the schools, this is absolutely something that would get talked about in the staff room. Because it was unusually calculated and mean and out of the norm for 6-year-olds. I guarantee the teacher has told the scenario to multiple colleagues and asked how they would have handled it and what they would do going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every teacher in the school is aware of her actions by now.

That's laughable. Every teacher in the school could not care less about a first grader stealing stuffed animals. Seriously.

NP. I wouldn't say every teacher, but having just left the schools, this is absolutely something that would get talked about in the staff room. Because it was unusually calculated and mean and out of the norm for 6-year-olds. I guarantee the teacher has told the scenario to multiple colleagues and asked how they would have handled it and what they would do going forward.

+ 1, for sure. The idea that early elem teachers “don’t care” about thefts and behaviors issues is total nonsense. They care. So do all of the administrators. So do all of the other parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, schedule an appointment with the school counselor to sit down with your kid to discuss the issue. Or, you can ask the school counselor to meet with her. It won't be a big deal but you can ask for help from the counselor to see which way you should take this. I had an issue with my DC at school and our counselor was so helpful. She talked me out of coming down really hard on my kid and gave me great perspective. So helpful to see what the issue was

[Anonymous]

OMG everyone, calm down. Kids steal. They are learning boundaries and how to push them. My husbands most shameful memory is stealing in his kindergarten class. He didn’t have to go on an apology tour and it still felt remorse.

OP - Your kid is a kid. They do not need counseling. This doesn’t mean they are a bad person.

I’d ask them what they think a good consequence would be and maybe go with that. But I bet that they won’t forget this and it will be a good lesson no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Sorry. Can't care about kids stealing until corporations care about wage theft, which accounts for more theft than all other theft combined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG everyone, calm down. Kids steal. They are learning boundaries and how to push them. My husbands most shameful memory is stealing in his kindergarten class. He didn’t have to go on an apology tour and it still felt remorse.

OP - Your kid is a kid. They do not need counseling. This doesn’t mean they are a bad person.

I’d ask them what they think a good consequence would be and maybe go with that. But I bet that they won’t forget this and it will be a good lesson no matter what.

Who is they? The kids her DD stole from, the teacher she lied to a bunch of times, or DD herself?

OP sounded like she thought job well done because her kid cried when she was caught. She hasn’t been back for that reason. You can raise little assholes, and it sure seems like you’re doing that.