My DD has been stealing at school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be okay with backpack searching. Yes your DD was wrong but I would address this with the principal as it’s a violation of privacy.

You are very confused about the privacy “rights” kids have at school. Better tell your little Larlo not to bring incriminating things to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There should be a consequence.
But, this is not a huge deal. Sounds like poor impulse control and a bright kid who came up with a good plan.

I strongly disagree. I think this is messed up. It was calculated and cold (watching the kids cry about stolen stuffed animals). I’m not saying the kid’s going to be a criminal, but, something is up here and OP probably needs the help of a professional to work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was a thief at that age as well!! She also got caught at school in a similar manner. She apologized to the teacher, things got returned and we had discussions at home. Her felonious behavior stopped and she is Senior in high school going to an Ivy next year (recruited athlete). We now laugh about the incidents and she says shes not sure why she did it except she really wanted those things! It did stress me at the time. I wouldn’t rush off to therapy and go over a cliff, unless there are other behaviors.

Never had my own direct experience but this sounds right.

I stole at that age too. I stole toys from my grandparents house even. Spoon from my friends house I went to for a sleepover (It had a rose on it,) dollhouse furniture, etc. Change off my dads dresser. Never from a store. I just never got caught.

I outgrew it.

And I had a friend who stole at that age too…it was because she hated her mother and was hoping to get caught because she thought the police would jail her mother.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused at the folks saying not to come down hard on this kid. She stole and watched her classmates get upset about it for days (weeks), and at no point felt the need to return anything or stop.

She needs to writing individual notes to each kid and deliver an apology to the entire class. You never know who else was potentially looked at as the culprit erroneously.

As another poster states she only feels bad now because she got caught and is embarrassed about that and does want to get in trouble. If it was your child coming home in tears with their stuff stolen or talking about what’s going on in class, would you be so accommodating?

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the replies so apologies if this has all been said.

This sentence really stood out to me:
"My DD was able to tell me who every single item belonged to and even told me some of the kids cried when they couldn’t find their stuff." That sentence combined with how she "thought long and hard" and repeated the behavior even after seeing kids cry is troubling.

I would talk to your pediatrician to see if these behaviors might indicate something that needs to be addressed by a professional.

I've been a school based SLP for many years, so I've seen a lot.
Kids take stuff from each other all the time, usually a fancy pen or candy or a toy that someone brings in. Ocassionally, there are repeat offenders and the teacher can usually figure it out once a pattern emerges. Often, it is because a kid is jealous because they don't have the same stuff at home and they just want the item. When kids realize that they made another kid sad, they usually feel terrible, and their empathy really comes out. Also, kids often know who the culprit is and the social stigma of being the "stealer" is a huge deterrant. Stealing is really not a good way to make and keep friends and kids know this.

Something about OP's description just seems more serious to me. The kid seems bright, bright enough to come up with her recurring plan but not worried about making kids feel sad or losing friends. This seems like a more involved issue.

Good luck OP, I hope she can figure out why she went so far with this and also find a way to make amends to her classmates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she an only child? Theft is a denial of ownership. Most kids learn this early if they have siblings. At home, I would start defining clear property boundaries. Ask for permission to play with her doll, make her ask for permission to play with mama‘s makeup brushes. She needs to understand that she may not touch other people’s things without their consent.

I was an only child and I guarantee you that most only children understand the concept of ownership by the time they start school. If anything, they are probably more particular about it because they haven’t had to share as much. In this case, OPs daughter wssn’t confused about boundaries. If she had been, she would have just grabbed the objectd and been confused when the owner protested. OPs daughter was fully aware she wasn’t supposed to touch things without consent which is why she plotted to do so in secret and why she returned an item when she feared discovery.

aaaaand, why she continued with her scheming plot of going to the bathroom right before lunch.

She saw how easy it was the first time and kept on keeping on -- that's the part that would really make me nervous if I were you, OP.

She kept it up and each time it probably got easier & easier... like muscle memory.

To steal all of those items from the onef classroom is REALLY brazen, and it sounds like she didn't have any sympathy for the crying owners, remorse anytime after she'd done it, or a single concern in the world.

In fact, the ONLY time your daughter expressed any type of distress, was when she became despondent at the thought that she may get in trouble with you/the principal.

The lack of empathy for her upset classmates (some of those kids HAD to be her friends, or kids she purposefully eats her lunch with every day) and the fact that she only showed a shred of emotion because she was concerned for her own well being, is the part that's most alarming & unsettling for me.

If she hadn't been caught, the stealing wouldn't have stopped, she would have become more and more confident in her technique and ampedup what she took.

[Anonymous]

She is smart. She expects the tears will reduce or wipe out any consequences.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like entitlement and a lack of empathy.

Both are pretty serious.

I’d get counseling and also do quite a bit of work at home on both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did she get away with this for so long? I’d be concerned about supervision.

Read the OP- she was going to the restroom right before lunch then slipping back into the classroom to grab her lunchbox and steal.

DP, but this is baffling to me as well. I'm shocked that the teachers would allow any 6 year old to enter the classroom unsupervised for any length of time. I don't think my kids were allowed to go anywhere in the elementary school building without having either an adult supervising or two classmates accompanying.

I wonder if there were multiple layers of lying and sneaking going on to pull that off. Either that or the school was not properly supervising her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did she get away with this for so long? I’d be concerned about supervision.

Read the OP- she was going to the restroom right before lunch then slipping back into the classroom to grab her lunchbox and steal.

DP, but this is baffling to me as well. I'm shocked that the teachers would allow any 6 year old to enter the classroom unsupervised for any length of time. I don't think my kids were allowed to go anywhere in the elementary school building without having either an adult supervising or two classmates accompanying.

I wonder if there were multiple layers of lying and sneaking going on to pull that off. Either that or the school was not properly supervising her.

Kids forget stuff nearly every day despite reminders. Our school is crowded so I can't just stop my class in the middle of the hallway to wait for a kid to grab their jacket off their chair, etc. There is one adult for every 25-30 kids so no, students are not always supervised every minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be okay with backpack searching. Yes your DD was wrong but I would address this with the principal as it’s a violation of privacy.

WTF??? No, that was totally appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Hah, this was me at 6. Same modus operandi too. I noticed that the classroom was unattended during recess, so if I asked to use the bathroom I had unmonitored access. In my case, there wasn't anythign I wanted, other than to exploit the loophole, so I stole pencils out of kids' desks. I think I had amassed 50+ by the time I was caught.

I had to apologize to the whole class, give back the pencils, and then I had early bedtime with no fun stuff for 2 weeks at home.

I ended up using my interest in exploiting "loopholes" to get into computer security. Maybe I should've been a lawyer...?

Anyway, I didn't go to counseling and as far as I know, I didn't end up as a sociopath. I was 6 and just growing up, that's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, My DD said today she helped the teacher sort out whose stuff was whose while the class was at specials and the teacher did not tell the students she stole the stuff. She did however have to eat in the principals office at lunch.

The kids all know who didn't come to the specials class with them and they know that their stuff was on the desk when they got back. They know who stole their stuff. I think apology notes to her friends are in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did she get away with this for so long? I’d be concerned about supervision.

Read the OP- she was going to the restroom right before lunch then slipping back into the classroom to grab her lunchbox and steal.

DP, but this is baffling to me as well. I'm shocked that the teachers would allow any 6 year old to enter the classroom unsupervised for any length of time. I don't think my kids were allowed to go anywhere in the elementary school building without having either an adult supervising or two classmates accompanying.

I wonder if there were multiple layers of lying and sneaking going on to pull that off. Either that or the school was not properly supervising her.

Some of you are completely clueless about how school works. They're not going to stop the whole class b/c one kid has to pee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be okay with backpack searching. Yes your DD was wrong but I would address this with the principal as it’s a violation of privacy.

This is totally appropriate.

Totally appropriate for this age group. (Besides, teachers need to look in backpacks often for various reasons all the time!)
--- teacher\parent

+3
OP's DD is a public school student whose teachers had reasonable suspicion that she had violated school rules or the law. Legally, she isn't entitled to privacy. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Jersey_v._T._L._O.