My DD has been stealing at school

[Anonymous]

DD is 6. No behavior issues, extremely bright and a rule follower. We get a call that my DD has been stealing stuff from her classmates at school and this was not an isolated incident.

Apparently there has been some issues in the class with some pop it’s/stuffed animals/pens coming up missing. Yesterday another stuffed animal(kids earn coupons where they can keep a stuffed animal at their desk) went missing and the student teacher said “I’m going to have to check the cameras to see who is coming in the classroom.” Long story short my DD heard this and when the kids went to go to art she shoved the stuffed animal back in the desk and told the teacher she found it. The teacher got suspicious and checked my DDs backpack and she found several other students belongings. What has been happening is my DD has been asking to go the bathroom right before lunch everyday and then as the class heads to the lunchroom she goes back to the classroom to get her lunchbox and takes stuff from people’s desks. The teacher only knew of about 5 things that were missing but my when I asked DD to show me things she had taken, it was enough stuff to fill up a grocery bag!

We asked her why she did it, and she said one day she saw a pop it she wanted and she thought long and hard about how she could get it so she made the story up about the bathroom and it worked so she kept doing it. I honestly don’t even know what to do. I am so embarrassed, and don’t understand how this could happen. My DD was able to tell me who every single item belonged to and even told me some of the kids cried when they couldn’t find their stuff. Do I come down hard? Or is this just a learning experience, she was bawling when the principal called me.

[Anonymous]

Edited to add: This is a first grade classroom. There is a teacher and a student teacher in the classroom. Student teacher is the one who got suspicious of my DD saying she found it and checked her backpack and discovered the other items.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she learned her lesson. Maybe if she wants to she can write sappology notes to her classmates

[Anonymous]

Oh no! She needs a stern lecture and she needs to write short apology notes to every student she stole from (which might take a while, given her age. You can dictate and she can write.)

But above all, I would reiterate the "no stealing" lecture every now and then, just to remind her, since she's tempted. And I would find intellectually stimulating activities for her to do outside of school, since she clearly needs some challenge... Chess? Robotics? Something in the "figuring out" department.

[Anonymous]

I would not be okay with backpack searching. Yes your DD was wrong but I would address this with the principal as it’s a violation of privacy.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like a behavior issue. Lying and stealing. Make her give all of the items back and apologize to the students.

[Anonymous]

I would come down hard. She would have to write a note to every kid she stole from. I would also make her be responsible for providing nthe some sort of restitution. She would loose every privilege she has. I would also look in that backpack every single day for the rest of the year.

I would also tell her about the consequences of stealing and how it's important to be trust worthy. Remind her every once in a while too.

[Anonymous]

Is she an only child? Theft is a denial of ownership. Most kids learn this early if they have siblings. At home, I would start defining clear property boundaries. Ask for permission to play with her doll, make her ask for permission to play with mama‘s makeup brushes. She needs to understand that she may not touch other people’s things without their consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she an only child? Theft is a denial of ownership. Most kids learn this early if they have siblings. At home, I would start defining clear property boundaries. Ask for permission to play with her doll, make her ask for permission to play with mama‘s makeup brushes. She needs to understand that she may not touch other people’s things without their consent.

She has an older brother

[Anonymous]

I would start seeing a child therapist. Some of the behavior can be viewed as age-appropriate, but the complexity of the plot to steal is problematic.

[Anonymous]

When my 7 year old stole candy from a store I made her go in, apologize to the manager and pay for what she stole.

In this context - several of her peers, I wouldn’t do that and would actually ask the teacher for guidance.

For an at home punishment, I might make to donate one of her toys to hammer home that she should be grateful for what she has and feel the sting of losing it.

[Anonymous]

You need to come down hard. Returning the items and apologizing should be an automatic first step. You also need to give her sone type of punishment at home to reinforce the seriousness of her actions.

I hope she has learned a lesson, and the fact that she was bawling hopefully indicates contrition, but it could also indicate that she was unhappy she got caught and/or was trying to escape further punishment. I think it should be remembered that she was apparently unphased when other kids were bawling because of her actions. It’s also noteworthy that in order to get what she wanted, this child “thought long and hard” to develop a plan, and executed it repeatedly. If she was willing to lie and manipulate others to accomplish the thefts, it seems logical that she would be willing to do so to escape punishment over said thefts. She has completely violated everyone’s trust, and that should be made abundantly clear to her, starting (but not ending with) not trusting any claims that she’s sorry and she’ll never do it again. It will take a lot of time for her to rebuild trust with you, but her teacher and friends may not ever fully trust her again. It’s a harsh lesson, but a necessary one, so don’t try to soften it. She’ll be much better off if she learns it now.

[Anonymous]

I would make her write apology notes. I wouldn’t come down super super hard, but I would talk to her about WHY it’s not okay to steal. Also make it clear what the consequences will be if it happens again, but that you trust that it won’t happen again. And then check her backpack weekly after she goes to bed.

Does she get an allowance? Maybe you could give her a little money to help her understand that things cost money and she can see how it feels to spend her own money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be okay with backpack searching. Yes your DD was wrong but I would address this with the principal as it’s a violation of privacy.

This is totally appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be okay with backpack searching. Yes your DD was wrong but I would address this with the principal as it’s a violation of privacy.

This is totally appropriate.

Sorry, I meant the backpack searching it appropriate.