What if your kid's a shoplifter

[Anonymous]

What if your kid's a shoplifter? Has anybody experienced this, and how did you handle it?

Also, why do you think people shoplift? Have you ever stolen from a store, accidentally or on purpose? I'm just curious.

[Anonymous]

Read the last thread

[Anonymous]

Well if you follow the advice of the person whose kids stole a phone and shoes...you take away Instagram and social media for a month and also ground them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the last thread

Not the same.

[Anonymous]

If you catch them at it, you need to march them back in and make a big deal about it, to deter them from doing it again. I would randomly search their room now and then to be sure it doesn’t happen again.

It’s an impulsive thing that kids experiment with, and it gives some kids a charge because of the risk involved. If it continues, it can be a sign of more serious issues. If so, the kid needs help.

[Anonymous]

I've heard (from a former shoplifter) that it's an expression of anger. Sorry no advice for you or your DC. That must be heartbreaking. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My kid was a shoplifter. And, the other day, I was self checking out at the grocery store and I had a piece of fish that the scanner could not read the code. I put it aside to return, but when I packed up my groceries, I must have inadvertently threw it in a bag. Unintentional, but I shoplifted. Other than this, no, I haven't shoplifted.

But, back to my kid. At first I would try to take what he stole. But after awhile, I realized it was out of my control. I cannot follow him around. I cannot search his room everyday. But, I will not pay for a lawyer if he gets caught. Once, when I was with him, I returned the merchandise. But that was the only time.

Eventually, I sent him to residential treatment. Shoplifting is not the only issue and it's a symptom not the real issue. That was helpful, but it did not completely fix it. Not too long after that, things finally clicked in his life (lots of therapy in addition the the treatment as well as other things falling into place). At that point, he just stopped. But he has been banned from at least four stores that I know of. I think we are now at about three months from the last episode and that is probably the longest in years. Of course, he spent probably 75% of the past three years in hospitals and treatment programs so the amount of shoplifting is probably not as bad as I made it sound.

FWIW, I am horrified by it. I felt and feel completely helpless. If he had been arrested, it might have been better for us because the state would have paid for his treatment through the juvenile justice system instead of me paying for it. But, on the other hand, I got to pick the treatment center and hospitals and they were excellent, so no regrets on that point.

Good luck OP. I know many people whose kids shoplifted. Many got caught and arrested. They had to pay restitution. All grew up ok.

[Anonymous]

I shoplift a lot. I got caught once and was able to get it off my record. Since then I do it a lot less. For me it’s an impulse control thing. I have ADHD. I’m not proud of it but it’s hard to stop, it’s like a compulsion.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's just to save money.

[Anonymous]

I shoplifted a lot as a tween. I was acting out because I was being sexually abused. I think an expression of anger sounds right. And also exerting control in a world where I didn’t feel I had any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if your kid's a shoplifter? Has anybody experienced this, and how did you handle it?

Also, why do you think people shoplift? Have you ever stolen from a store, accidentally or on purpose? I'm just curious.

I'm a reformed thief, although I stole from people more than from stores. Boys steal for the thrill (I've studied the psychology of this) or for peer pressure. Girls (and especially middle aged women who can totally afford what they're stealing) steal for control issues mostly. Obviously there are the people who steal what they need, but that's a low percentage. Generally the people who steal from stores can afford what they're attempting to steal.

[Anonymous]

My 15 yo DD was caught shoplifting in a large store last year by store security. They saw her shoplifting once, let it go and then she went back in and did it again. Her grandmother was sitting outside the store while she did it. I received a call from the police informing me about it and they released my DD to her grandmother who took her home. They did not press any charges but did ban her from the mall for a year. She got lucky but you can believe I've hammered home how she would be viewed by potential employers (including parents who want her to babysit) if this became public.

My DD is a classic 'good girl'. While I was surprised by it, I wasn't shocked and was not in denial about it. We came down hard on her - no electronics for 3 months and no non-school/sports activities. In my discussion with DD, it became clear that she was experiencing some mental health challenges and shoplifting gave her a rush - a rush that she liked. She was also flippant about it being wrong. I spoke to our 'family psychiatrist' about it (I also have kids with SN and have worked with a psychiatrist and psychologist for years) who indicated that in many social circles shoplifting is 'normalized' and not considered a big deal. Again, I've hammered home how a thieves are viewed. It hit home at the time but I have no doubt that, as is typical with many teens, the lesson will have to be learned again and again.

DD wanted to speak to a counselor to help her with her mental health struggles and I am completely on board. It was a struggle to find a good one (forget about being in-network) but I did and, in consultation with the counselor, DD started on an SSRI that has really helped. She puts a lot of pressure on herself, school is a powder keg and she struggles with good choices. She's testing some boundaries (stupidly, of course) and when she gets caught, there are consequences. Having the counselor has been helpful for both of us because she needs to feel the weight of those consequences but I also need to balance them with what helps her mental health. for example, having no access to electronics during the period of self-isolation is really too isolating. She needs to have social interactions. So, after discussing it with her counselor, I allow her X amount of time per day on her phone/computer. But, I require all of those interactions to be in the public areas of the house. We've also have had to make alternate community service arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15 yo DD was caught shoplifting in a large store last year by store security. They saw her shoplifting once, let it go and then she went back in and did it again. Her grandmother was sitting outside the store while she did it. I received a call from the police informing me about it and they released my DD to her grandmother who took her home. They did not press any charges but did ban her from the mall for a year. She got lucky but you can believe I've hammered home how she would be viewed by potential employers (including parents who want her to babysit) if this became public.

My DD is a classic 'good girl'. While I was surprised by it, I wasn't shocked and was not in denial about it. We came down hard on her - no electronics for 3 months and no non-school/sports activities. In my discussion with DD, it became clear that she was experiencing some mental health challenges and shoplifting gave her a rush - a rush that she liked. She was also flippant about it being wrong. I spoke to our 'family psychiatrist' about it (I also have kids with SN and have worked with a psychiatrist and psychologist for years) who indicated that in many social circles shoplifting is 'normalized' and not considered a big deal. Again, I've hammered home how a thieves are viewed. It hit home at the time but I have no doubt that, as is typical with many teens, the lesson will have to be learned again and again.

DD wanted to speak to a counselor to help her with her mental health struggles and I am completely on board. It was a struggle to find a good one (forget about being in-network) but I did and, in consultation with the counselor, DD started on an SSRI that has really helped. She puts a lot of pressure on herself, school is a powder keg and she struggles with good choices. She's testing some boundaries (stupidly, of course) and when she gets caught, there are consequences. Having the counselor has been helpful for both of us because she needs to feel the weight of those consequences but I also need to balance them with what helps her mental health. for example, having no access to electronics during the period of self-isolation is really too isolating. She needs to have social interactions. So, after discussing it with her counselor, I allow her X amount of time per day on her phone/computer. But, I require all of those interactions to be in the public areas of the house. We've also have had to make alternate community service arrangements.

One excuse after another. Zero accountability. Expect the bad behavior and worse to continue. Shocked how many parents are so flippant their children are engaging in criminal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I shoplift a lot. I got caught once and was able to get it off my record. Since then I do it a lot less. For me it’s an impulse control thing. I have ADHD. I’m not proud of it but it’s hard to stop, it’s like a compulsion.

Stop using ADHD as an excuse for your stealing.

[Anonymous]

I shoplifted as a teen. I was a somewhat repressed straight A good girl and did it for the rush of breaking rules / entitlement. I felt I "deserved more nice things" on some level for doing so well in other things in my life, and unappreciated by my parents (but didn't have the emotional maturity to communicate this at the time).

I was caught by a store that reported it to the police my senior year, right after getting admitted to my dream ivy college. I was TERRIFIED and my parents were PISSED, it completely ruined my senior year. I went through an education program and the charge was eventually expunged.

20 years later, I turned out just fine -- happy life, great job, loving relationships, upstanding citizen, emotionally stable (lol). I felt less repressed in college and like most people grew up. On some level I'm glad I was caught, and I'm glad the system scared me with consequences but not so much that it ruined my life.