Divorcing a stay-at-home dad

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have any first-hand knowledge of how a divorce proceeding might likely go with a stay at home dad and a working mother? Meaning, would the husband be entitled to alimony? The house? I've been married to my husband for 11 years. When my son was born 10 years ago, we made the decision for him to stay home with my son because a) husband didn't have a steady job, b) I would make significantly more than him at any job he could get, and c) we didn't want our son to go to daycare. We agreed that when my son started elementary school, he would get a part-time job that enabled him to see him to/from school.

Two months after my son turned 2, I was laid off from my job of 9 years. Instead of stepping up and getting a job to support us, my husband (who was drinking too much before) became a full-out drunk. He crashed two cars in one night, got arrested twice in one month, and made my life a living hell for 10 months. I was just about to file for divorce when I finally got a new job. To his credit, he got off the liquor and straightened up so that he could once again take care of our son.

Fast forward 7 years: I'm still at the same job making decent money. My son is going into 5th grade. My husband is drinking two large bottles of wine every night and has an array of new(er) health issues that won't allow him to work. The two bottles of wine a night has been going on for a couple of years, if not more. I've been working from home since March and the issues that I had tried to ignore are now staring me down. He sleeps all day (one of his health issues results in fatigue), drinks and smokes all afternoon/evening in the bedroom, and the worst part - although my son is home full-time too, my husband never makes a point to spend time with him. He can go a day or two without even seeing my son - and we're all in the same house!

I have skipped so much, but as you can imagine, I'm done. I checked out mentally years ago, but my resentment and anger are starting to really take a toll on me. My heart hurts so badly for my son, who is an amazing kid and is missing out on the father he deserves. I honestly feel like he might get more quality time in a joint custody arrangement than he gets now.

I want a divorce. But I don't think he deserves one cent from me. He currently spends over $700 a month on his bad habits - well, it's my job that pays for that. He has subjected me to so much mental, emotional, and financial turmoil over the years. But he has a lot of resentment towards me, too - mostly for refusing to sleep in the same bed with him. Oh, I forgot to mention that not only does he drink and smoke in the bedroom, but he also rarely showers anymore (he has severe psoriasis and says it hurts his skin) and well, he smells. And so does the bedroom. I can't fathom ever sleeping in there ever again. (I've tried to gently hint at the need for more showers, and he gets very defensive and says that he's cleaner than I am - when I shower every day.) Anyway, all this to say that there's no way it would be an easy divorce, so it would likely come down to a judge making our life-altering decisions for us. I'm scared that I will have to continue to support him, even after divorce. I'm scared that we will have to sell the house that my son has known all his life. I don't want my child to lose that stability.

So I guess my question is - how likely is it that a judge would decide that my husband should receive alimony? How likely that we'd have to sell our house? These two issues are the main ones holding me back from the divorce that I know is best for all of us.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know the answer to the alimony question.

But regardless, I think you should divorce this guy! He doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t spend time with his son, he has a drinking and smoking addiction, and he smells!

I’d rather pay alimony and be rid of him.

My guess is you’d only have to pay alimony for a few years if they but I don’t know. Child support is the bigger issue.

[Anonymous]

You need to consult with a divorce attorney about alimony etc. But just chiming in to say I’m sorry. I will be in the same boat Re alimony if my DH and I ever separate.

But I also have psoriasis and it is awful taking a shower so your DH may not be exaggerating on that issue. Regardless, it’s frustrating for you that he smells and he should address that as a function of basic human decency.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see how you can avoid paying spousal support. You shouldn’t have waited 10 years because now the spousal support decision is up to the court forever - he can keep requesting to extend it (not sure if they will).
The good news is that even in a long term marriage spousal support will be about half of the marriage length initially.
Also, if you somehow persuade him to waive spousal when divorcing - it would be great, he most likely won’t get it later.
At least these are relevant to CA (I am now divorcing here).

[Anonymous]

I am sorry things have been so hard. Agree consult an attorney.
Make sure you also have a good therapist.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

PP above and what a coincidence- I have psoriasis too but shower every day or twice a day.
Also, he will be a fool to waive spousal but maybe you can find ways to persuade him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP above and what a coincidence- I have psoriasis too but shower every day or twice a day.
Also, he will be a fool to waive spousal but maybe you can find ways to persuade him.

Not above! I am the CA PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know the answer to the alimony question.

But regardless, I think you should divorce this guy! He doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t spend time with his son, he has a drinking and smoking addiction, and he smells!

I’d rather pay alimony and be rid of him.

My guess is you’d only have to pay alimony for a few years if they but I don’t know. Child support is the bigger issue.

You probably didn't mean to give me a chuckle, but you did - thank you. I don't think I'd have to worry about child support. I honestly can't see any judge saying that he's entitled to child support. I make all the money, provide for all of his needs, take him to all his play dates, am at every sports practice/game, go to every school function, take him to friends' parties, etc - and I literally do it all ALONE. So I'm less worried about that than I am having to pay for his life after divorce; though you have a point about paying to be rid of him. I forgot that another point is that he has these health issues and it's my job that supplies the health insurance. So I imagine that might be another thing I might have to supplement in some way post-divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to consult with a divorce attorney about alimony etc. But just chiming in to say I’m sorry. I will be in the same boat Re alimony if my DH and I ever separate.

But I also have psoriasis and it is awful taking a shower so your DH may not be exaggerating on that issue. Regardless, it’s frustrating for you that he smells and he should address that as a function of basic human decency.

Thanks so much. I've been putting off consulting with an attorney, but I think it's time.

I've tried so hard to be understanding about the psoriasis and showering...I've never even told him that he smells. Even my son says that daddy "doesn't always smell that appealing." But I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I don't mention it. I just try to push showers when it comes up naturally. I don't expect much. But I honestly don't think he takes a shower more than once a month...heck, I've been home non-stop for 3 months now and I've heard the shower run once. And it was really quick. He says he takes "bird baths" and soaps up outside the shower, but either that's a lie or it's not enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know the answer to the alimony question.

But regardless, I think you should divorce this guy! He doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t spend time with his son, he has a drinking and smoking addiction, and he smells!

I’d rather pay alimony and be rid of him.

My guess is you’d only have to pay alimony for a few years if they but I don’t know. Child support is the bigger issue.

You probably didn't mean to give me a chuckle, but you did - thank you. I don't think I'd have to worry about child support. I honestly can't see any judge saying that he's entitled to child support. I make all the money, provide for all of his needs, take him to all his play dates, am at every sports practice/game, go to every school function, take him to friends' parties, etc - and I literally do it all ALONE. So I'm less worried about that than I am having to pay for his life after divorce; though you have a point about paying to be rid of him. I forgot that another point is that he has these health issues and it's my job that supplies the health insurance. So I imagine that might be another thing I might have to supplement in some way post-divorce.

You need to file for divorce now! Every month you wait is more time you might have to pay alimony and child support. You are going to have to pay some child support because you make the money in the family. He can't afford a place to live with your son half time unless you provide money for that. Or you are going to have to fight for majority custody due to his drinking problem. I would start texting him so you can document his drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how you can avoid paying spousal support. You shouldn’t have waited 10 years because now the spousal support decision is up to the court forever - he can keep requesting to extend it (not sure if they will).

One of the greatest regrets of my life is not filing for divorce in 2012 when I was laid off and he was out of control.

It doesn't look like spousal support is something I'd get out of, according to most of you, I guess. Is it likely that I could keep the house? Both the house and the loan is in both of our names. (Initially the mortgage was just in my name, as it was my credit and income/job that allowed us to get it; when we refinanced, though, I put both of us on the mortgage).

I absolutely dread turning my son's life upside down. It breaks my heart. Of course he knows things aren't great, but he doesn't want us to divorce (I've never mentioned it, but he's 10 so he can put two and two together). I don't want him to hate me for being responsible for upending everything. That's another reason why I've waited this long. I just wanted to wait until my son wasn't at a tender age and could emotionally/mentally deal with it a bit better. I was aiming for when he entered high school, but I can't live like this for 5+ more years.

[Anonymous]

Read the SAHM mom thread. Lots of women believe permanent alimony is justified. They argue all of their sacrifice and contributions are what enabled their husband’s career success, so they deserve a lifetime of repayment while they play tennis and co-habitate (but avoid remarrying which would end the support payments).

So if you weren’t on that thread disagreeing then it only seems fair that a SAHD should likewise be supported by his ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how you can avoid paying spousal support. You shouldn’t have waited 10 years because now the spousal support decision is up to the court forever - he can keep requesting to extend it (not sure if they will).

One of the greatest regrets of my life is not filing for divorce in 2012 when I was laid off and he was out of control.

It doesn't look like spousal support is something I'd get out of, according to most of you, I guess. Is it likely that I could keep the house? Both the house and the loan is in both of our names. (Initially the mortgage was just in my name, as it was my credit and income/job that allowed us to get it; when we refinanced, though, I put both of us on the mortgage).

I absolutely dread turning my son's life upside down. It breaks my heart. Of course he knows things aren't great, but he doesn't want us to divorce (I've never mentioned it, but he's 10 so he can put two and two together). I don't want him to hate me for being responsible for upending everything. That's another reason why I've waited this long. I just wanted to wait until my son wasn't at a tender age and could emotionally/mentally deal with it a bit better. I was aiming for when he entered high school, but I can't live like this for 5+ more years.

No, it doesn’t get easier when they’re over 10.

Most painful thing in my life was telling DS age 12 about the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Alimony to get rid of a smelly unemployed chain-smoking drunken bum?

Worth every penny!

[Anonymous]

Of course youlll have to pay alimony. Until he gets remarried.