Divorcing a stay-at-home dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are responsible for those who you had tamed. You can’t kick out a father of your child without a home, financial support and medical insurance. It won’t be good for your growing son to see 50/50 his dad who’s basically a low life bum. A good friend of mine divorced her alcoholic husband as there was no more spousal relationship. She’s in a high earning finance job. I don’t know their support arrangements on paper, but she continues taking her ex husband to doctors, he still lives in their marital home when she’s traveling, and ex husband follows the family whenever she relocates to a new country for work establishing banks. Children wanted it that way that dad would not be left behind, the whole family fights for him for the kids, even though they are divorced. The lady is in her 50s and doesn’t plan to remarry.
Since you delayed divorce for so long, your husband is now more than just a spouse, he is and will remain your close relative due to having a son together. You will be responsible for him financially for several years

I hope you understand that this quote refers to a flower. Not a grown-ass man with two legs and two arms.

I don't understand the argument that her husband's lack of job or life skills is somehow her problem. He's an adult. What would he do if he wasn't married to her? Live under the bridge? OP can help him for a few years to get his act together. But it is absolutely not her problem that he makes no money, and it is not her responsibility to provide him with a place to live or medical insurance.

OP, if I were you, I would consult with an attorney on winning a more favorable custody arrangement than 50/50. I can't imagine your husband is a fit parent.

Don't concern yourself with the house. Where you will live will be a function of what you can afford. If you can afford your house, you can keep it (if you buy him out.) It doesn't sound like he can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m still stuck on why you think it matters that he’s a SAHD vs SAHM. You and your spouse together made decisions about having a parent stay home. He is entitled to some kind of restorative payment for some amount of time and half the equity in the house.

Oh come on. This guy isn't a SAHD. He's a bum. I'd say the exact same thing about a woman who claimed to be a SAHM but was actually an unemployed alcoholic who didn't do anything for her kid.

That said, that's the emotional, not legal side. I can't really blame the courts for not getting into the nitnoid details of every marriage when it dissolves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know the answer to the alimony question.

But regardless, I think you should divorce this guy! He doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t spend time with his son, he has a drinking and smoking addiction, and he smells!

I’d rather pay alimony and be rid of him.

My guess is you’d only have to pay alimony for a few years if they but I don’t know. Child support is the bigger issue.

You probably didn't mean to give me a chuckle, but you did - thank you. I don't think I'd have to worry about child support. I honestly can't see any judge saying that he's entitled to child support. I make all the money, provide for all of his needs, take him to all his play dates, am at every sports practice/game, go to every school function, take him to friends' parties, etc - and I literally do it all ALONE. So I'm less worried about that than I am having to pay for his life after divorce; though you have a point about paying to be rid of him. I forgot that another point is that he has these health issues and it's my job that supplies the health insurance. So I imagine that might be another thing I might have to supplement in some way post-divorce.

I think the rest of this thread has probably let you know what you can most likely expect - you will have to pay alimony, child support, and he may have a claim on your retirement since it's been 10 years. I am so sorry you are going through this.

What I will say is this: do it now. I guarantee in 5 or 6 more years you will be kicking yourself because you'll want out and you will have supported him monetarily during a time when you could have been re-building to be totally free. Talk to a good lawyer. Plan out equitable and hardball scenarios. Take stock of your feelings and emotional state - are you prepared to fight tooth and nail or do you want a hopefully peaceful split. Figure out what is most important to you. If you are already paying 100% of the mortgage, then can you find resources to buy him out of the house? Could family help you?

Good luck. I would really like and update to your situation!

[Anonymous]

You probably didn't mean to give me a chuckle, but you did - thank you. I don't think I'd have to worry about child support. I honestly can't see any judge saying that he's entitled to child support. I make all the money, provide for all of his needs, take him to all his play dates, am at every sports practice/game, go to every school function, take him to friends' parties, etc - and I literally do it all ALONE.

Courts don’t care about that. They basically plug both incomes into a formula and it spits out who owes what to who. You are going to pay him something, get used to it. Only way to minimize it is to fight for full custody, which you might deserve but won’t necessarily get.

[Anonymous]

OP I would first threaten him with divorce. Tell him you will retain an attorney if he doesn't stop drinking and get a job. Maybe you can coerce him if you show him pre-file papers.

Once he gets a job file for divorce so you won't have to pay him anything. Yes document the drinking and use it in court for full custody. That is a big safety concern for your child, and they will likely do a child interview as well. If you have a retirement best to divorce because he will get his portion. Half for the duration of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Once you do go through the divorce buy him lots of wine!

The court will clearly see who is the fit parent.

[Anonymous]

I paid a lump sum alimony to my stay at home ex. We did not have any kids.

[Anonymous]

OP I would first threaten him with divorce. Tell him you will retain an attorney if he doesn't stop drinking and get a job. Maybe you can coerce him if you show him pre-file papers.

No, don’t bother. He’s an addict. He can’t change. File and get it done.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know someone who did this in a very similar situation. Before filing, she quietly gathered a lot of evidence of his drinking - receipts, empty beer cans, even an email from daycare stating the husband was visibly intoxicated during pickup (walking, not by car, or they probably would have called the cops). She did have to pay him quite a bit of money - buy him out of the house, give him part of her retirement. He was awarded alimony for 1 year and that was a few years ago, so that's done with. She says it was 100% worth it to dump the worthless deadbeat and wishes she'd done it sooner. She now has an amazing boyfriend and a happy home and kid.

[Anonymous]

She also has public records DUIs.

I would get him out of my life, what a boat anchor!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She also has public records DUIs.

I would get him out of my life, what a boat anchor!

Probably won't help her since it happened 7 years ago.

[Anonymous]

I meant to say: if he's blowing $700/mo on his habits anyway then you're already paying a kind of alimony -- might as well pay AND not have to smell him, you know?

[Anonymous]

What is his life expectancy given his current trajectory? Might be cheaper to wait

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What is his life expectancy given his current trajectory? Might be cheaper to wait

Plus get a FWB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I would first threaten him with divorce. Tell him you will retain an attorney if he doesn't stop drinking and get a job. Maybe you can coerce him if you show him pre-file papers.

Once he gets a job file for divorce so you won't have to pay him anything. Yes document the drinking and use it in court for full custody. That is a big safety concern for your child, and they will likely do a child interview as well. If you have a retirement best to divorce because he will get his portion. Half for the duration of your marriage.

A friend of mine tried that with his garbage alcoholic stay-in-bed-mom wife. That night she threw away about 20 bottles of liquor and the next morning she hired a lawyer. She didn't drink again until the divorce was complete. Despite being worthless garbage she got a better custody deal and a lot more money than she deserved.

OP's hubby might be a bum but he's smarter than most guys and threatening him might backfire.