Divorcing a stay-at-home dad

[Anonymous]

I can’t fathom why alimony would discourage you from doing this. You’re paying it now! There’s no option to not pay it. There’s only the option to help yourself and your son or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know the answer to the alimony question.

But regardless, I think you should divorce this guy! He doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t spend time with his son, he has a drinking and smoking addiction, and he smells!

I’d rather pay alimony and be rid of him.

My guess is you’d only have to pay alimony for a few years if they but I don’t know. Child support is the bigger issue.

You probably didn't mean to give me a chuckle, but you did - thank you. I don't think I'd have to worry about child support. I honestly can't see any judge saying that he's entitled to child support. I make all the money, provide for all of his needs, take him to all his play dates, am at every sports practice/game, go to every school function, take him to friends' parties, etc - and I literally do it all ALONE. So I'm less worried about that than I am having to pay for his life after divorce; though you have a point about paying to be rid of him. I forgot that another point is that he has these health issues and it's my job that supplies the health insurance. So I imagine that might be another thing I might have to supplement in some way post-divorce.

How in the world do you think you won’t end up paying child support? You’ll probably end up with 50/50 custody, and then since you earn so much more he’ll get child support to help cover child-related expenses for when your son is with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the SAHM mom thread. Lots of women believe permanent alimony is justified. They argue all of their sacrifice and contributions are what enabled their husband’s career success, so they deserve a lifetime of repayment while they play tennis and co-habitate (but avoid remarrying which would end the support payments).

So if you weren’t on that thread disagreeing then it only seems fair that a SAHD should likewise be supported by his ex wife.

This never happens anymore though.

I’ve never heard of anyone (who wasn’t ridiculously wealthy) getting permanent alimony. Expect him to get restorative alimony for the length of the marriage/2 at most. OP you will definitely pay child support though.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I’m sure you’ll pay child support if your son is going to be with his father under a joint custody agreement. My BIL received child support from his ex-wife as she earned more.

[Anonymous]

All of your fears are valid but they will also likely come true.

You most likely will pay him spousal support and child support.

You can negotiate for the house but will have to buy him out and may not be able to afford it and also meet your support allegations. So, yes, sale of the house is the most likely outcome.

It’s normal to worry about turning your child’s life upside down. But to be honest it doesn’t sound like the current life is all that optimal.

[Anonymous]

Skin problems probably related to alcohol abuse. Smoking in the house and being drunk around child constantly should also be a dealbreaker. What are you waiting for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of your fears are valid but they will also likely come true.

You most likely will pay him spousal support and child support.

You can negotiate for the house but will have to buy him out and may not be able to afford it and also meet your support allegations. So, yes, sale of the house is the most likely outcome.

It’s normal to worry about turning your child’s life upside down. But to be honest it doesn’t sound like the current life is all that optimal.

I dunno. My aunt married a guy similar to this. His career fell apart, he became a SAHD, he was a heavy drinker and smoker, overweight, terrible health. But they had two sons. She made him move into the basement, and moved her boyfriend into the master bedroom. Her (legal) husband emerged from the basement to make meals for the boys. It was totally weird but somehow they made it work. Not sure that “basement dwelling fat cuck dad” was the best role model but both boys, now adults, turned out ok from what I can tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of your fears are valid but they will also likely come true.

You most likely will pay him spousal support and child support.

You can negotiate for the house but will have to buy him out and may not be able to afford it and also meet your support allegations. So, yes, sale of the house is the most likely outcome.

It’s normal to worry about turning your child’s life upside down. But to be honest it doesn’t sound like the current life is all that optimal.

I dunno. My aunt married a guy similar to this. His career fell apart, he became a SAHD, he was a heavy drinker and smoker, overweight, terrible health. But they had two sons. She made him move into the basement, and moved her boyfriend into the master bedroom. Her (legal) husband emerged from the basement to make meals for the boys. It was totally weird but somehow they made it work. Not sure that “basement dwelling fat cuck dad” was the best role model but both boys, now adults, turned out ok from what I can tell.

Okay this made me literally LOL.

[Anonymous]

It might depend on what state you are in.
Good friend of mine - her DH struggled with mental health issues. They met in college and married about a year after graduating. She put him through law school - and he decided he did not want to be a lawyer after passing the bar. While she was in graduate school, they lived off of student loans and a small inheritance.

Fast forward 7 years - there is one child and he is not working - but still struggling with health. She divorces him. She pays him alimony for 5 years as she does not believe it is in the best interest of their child for him not to have a car, safe place to live.

He finally addresses his mental health issues and finds a career path that aligns with his talents.

[Anonymous]

You will probably have to pay alimony for 5-6 years. Sounds like it will be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how you can avoid paying spousal support. You shouldn’t have waited 10 years because now the spousal support decision is up to the court forever - he can keep requesting to extend it (not sure if they will).

One of the greatest regrets of my life is not filing for divorce in 2012 when I was laid off and he was out of control.

It doesn't look like spousal support is something I'd get out of, according to most of you, I guess. Is it likely that I could keep the house? Both the house and the loan is in both of our names. (Initially the mortgage was just in my name, as it was my credit and income/job that allowed us to get it; when we refinanced, though, I put both of us on the mortgage).

I absolutely dread turning my son's life upside down. It breaks my heart. Of course he knows things aren't great, but he doesn't want us to divorce (I've never mentioned it, but he's 10 so he can put two and two together). I don't want him to hate me for being responsible for upending everything. That's another reason why I've waited this long. I just wanted to wait until my son wasn't at a tender age and could emotionally/mentally deal with it a bit better. I was aiming for when he entered high school, but I can't live like this for 5+ more years.

Op, your son has been living with a depressed alcoholic parent, and witnessing an incredibly dysfunctional marriage and home life, for ten years. This is going to impact him for the rest of his life. Please don't hesitate to get the divorce. Alimony and child support is the price of the ticket for freedom for you and mental health and a brighter future for your kid. I know it's expensive but look into family therapy for you and your son and Al Anon for yourself. And yes, document as much of his alcoholism as possible. Maybe you can get some custody of you can show how far gone be is. GL.

[Anonymous]

OMFG,this is not a question you can crowdsource. Go see a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

If your parents have money, ask them for some to get the best lawyer you can. Get full custody, no alimony.

[Anonymous]

Who cares? Get a lawyer and pay whatever you have to pay to get this freak out of your life.

[Anonymous]

You are responsible for those who you had tamed. You can’t kick out a father of your child without a home, financial support and medical insurance. It won’t be good for your growing son to see 50/50 his dad who’s basically a low life bum. A good friend of mine divorced her alcoholic husband as there was no more spousal relationship. She’s in a high earning finance job. I don’t know their support arrangements on paper, but she continues taking her ex husband to doctors, he still lives in their marital home when she’s traveling, and ex husband follows the family whenever she relocates to a new country for work establishing banks. Children wanted it that way that dad would not be left behind, the whole family fights for him for the kids, even though they are divorced. The lady is in her 50s and doesn’t plan to remarry.
Since you delayed divorce for so long, your husband is now more than just a spouse, he is and will remain your close relative due to having a son together. You will be responsible for him financially for several years