Divorcing a stay-at-home dad

[Anonymous]

The alimony you pay him will be worth every penny. I can’t think of a better way to spend money. Go for it.

[Anonymous]

He probably knows, but alcohol affects the liver and fatty liver disease and resultant inflammation exacerbates psoriasis. So less drinking could improve his discomfort.

Ironically, smoking can help inflammatory diseases like colitis, as it acts sort of like a mild chemotherapy to dampen disease. But such a nasty habit and bad for everyone.

I would say try to be sanguine about staying with him this long; I think you waited long enough that your so is now independent enough to take care and defend his own interests when he is alone at his dad’s own place (I know my 12 year doesn’t take any crap from anyone, can make his own meals, and get to and from school on his own). So by waiting to this point in your life, you have prepped your son for the next phase when you have 50/50 custody.

And yeah, worth the alimony.

[Anonymous]

I’m still stuck on why you think it matters that he’s a SAHD vs SAHM. You and your spouse together made decisions about having a parent stay home. He is entitled to some kind of restorative payment for some amount of time and half the equity in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course youlll have to pay alimony. Until he gets remarried.

Which, if he's smart, he will never do, for a variety of reasons.

[Anonymous]

because of equality it should go like this....

1. He gets primary custody and you get 1,3 weekend and every other thursday...
2. You pay child support.
3. You pay alamony.
4. He gets the house.
5. You get vilified becuase you left him after he sacrificed in order to support your career. You simply could not do your job without him at home doing all the heavy lifting while you get to have play time at work.

In other words, he gets the same as a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will probably have to pay alimony for 5-6 years. Sounds like it will be worth it.

OP. This.

A lot will depend on whether your husband gets an attorney. If he hires an attorney you will most likely have to pay alimony 5-6 years
and also child support.

Honestly it sounds like it would be worth it for you to get divorced even if you have to sell the house.

My Dad was an alcoholic and also my brother. Two bottles of wine a night is a lot and it gets worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

As a kid I would have preferred Mom to have gotten divorced even if we lived in an efficiency apartment or a trailer.

If you husband fights for 50% custody alcoholism and smoking will not prevent him from getting the 50% custody but the reality is it sounds
like your husband is pretty advanced in his alcolism. I would not stress out if your husband gets the 50% custody because the
reality is you would probably have the kid 95% of the time anyways due to husband being passed out etc.

It sounds like a really bad situation as is. I would not sweat the money. If it meant I had to sell house and move to a mobile home
or efficiency apartment with the kid I would.

Have you been to any Al Anon meetings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:because of equality it should go like this....

1. He gets primary custody and you get 1,3 weekend and every other thursday...
2. You pay child support.
3. You pay alamony.
4. He gets the house.
5. You get vilified becuase you left him after he sacrificed in order to support your career. You simply could not do your job without him at home doing all the heavy lifting while you get to have play time at work.

In other words, he gets the same as a SAHM

This is actually pretty true. Prior to the 1960's/1970's your husband would have been kicked to the curb and lucky to have his clothing. With womens liberation
the laws mean that you pay alimony and you pay child support.

[Anonymous]

I recommend Cheryl Hepfer.

[Anonymous]

Money isn't everything. You are still young. Pay the alimony and child support and get a better life for you and your son.

Don't look back. Living in a cheap rental will be a huge improvement to your quality of life.

[Anonymous]

When you and ex separate make sure your son has his own cell phone for safety. (normally I'm not big on cell phones and kids but your kid needs it here.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have any first-hand knowledge of how a divorce proceeding might likely go with a stay at home dad and a working mother? Meaning, would the husband be entitled to alimony? The house? I've been married to my husband for 11 years. When my son was born 10 years ago, we made the decision for him to stay home with my son because a) husband didn't have a steady job, b) I would make significantly more than him at any job he could get, and c) we didn't want our son to go to daycare. We agreed that when my son started elementary school, he would get a part-time job that enabled him to see him to/from school.

Two months after my son turned 2, I was laid off from my job of 9 years. Instead of stepping up and getting a job to support us, my husband (who was drinking too much before) became a full-out drunk. He crashed two cars in one night, got arrested twice in one month, and made my life a living hell for 10 months. I was just about to file for divorce when I finally got a new job. To his credit, he got off the liquor and straightened up so that he could once again take care of our son.

Fast forward 7 years: I'm still at the same job making decent money. My son is going into 5th grade. My husband is drinking two large bottles of wine every night and has an array of new(er) health issues that won't allow him to work. The two bottles of wine a night has been going on for a couple of years, if not more. I've been working from home since March and the issues that I had tried to ignore are now staring me down. He sleeps all day (one of his health issues results in fatigue), drinks and smokes all afternoon/evening in the bedroom, and the worst part - although my son is home full-time too, my husband never makes a point to spend time with him. He can go a day or two without even seeing my son - and we're all in the same house!


Staying longer, i.e. kid graduates from high school will probably mean more alimony for husband. Cut your losses and move on now.
I have skipped so much, but as you can imagine, I'm done. I checked out mentally years ago, but my resentment and anger are starting to really take a toll on me. My heart hurts so badly for my son, who is an amazing kid and is missing out on the father he deserves. I honestly feel like he might get more quality time in a joint custody arrangement than he gets now.

I want a divorce. But I don't think he deserves one cent from me. He currently spends over $700 a month on his bad habits - well, it's my job that pays for that. He has subjected me to so much mental, emotional, and financial turmoil over the years. But he has a lot of resentment towards me, too - mostly for refusing to sleep in the same bed with him. Oh, I forgot to mention that not only does he drink and smoke in the bedroom, but he also rarely showers anymore (he has severe psoriasis and says it hurts his skin) and well, he smells. And so does the bedroom. I can't fathom ever sleeping in there ever again. (I've tried to gently hint at the need for more showers, and he gets very defensive and says that he's cleaner than I am - when I shower every day.) Anyway, all this to say that there's no way it would be an easy divorce, so it would likely come down to a judge making our life-altering decisions for us. I'm scared that I will have to continue to support him, even after divorce. I'm scared that we will have to sell the house that my son has known all his life. I don't want my child to lose that stability.

So I guess my question is - how likely is it that a judge would decide that my husband should receive alimony? How likely that we'd have to sell our house? These two issues are the main ones holding me back from the divorce that I know is best for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course youlll have to pay alimony. Until he gets remarried.

Which, if he's smart, he will never do, for a variety of reasons.

My coworker was in this situation, but her Ex died of liver failure within 5 years. And she thought the 5 years she did pay alimony to be well-spent to not have to live in the same home as him. Her only regret is that he didn’t cash his last alimony check and she gave the money to her ex’s alcoholic live in girlfriend who promised to pay the rent so the kids could come get some mementos, but the woman left town and everything was thrown out by the apt manager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have any first-hand knowledge of how a divorce proceeding might likely go with a stay at home dad and a working mother? Meaning, would the husband be entitled to alimony? The house? I've been married to my husband for 11 years. When my son was born 10 years ago, we made the decision for him to stay home with my son because a) husband didn't have a steady job, b) I would make significantly more than him at any job he could get, and c) we didn't want our son to go to daycare. We agreed that when my son started elementary school, he would get a part-time job that enabled him to see him to/from school.

Two months after my son turned 2, I was laid off from my job of 9 years. Instead of stepping up and getting a job to support us, my husband (who was drinking too much before) became a full-out drunk. He crashed two cars in one night, got arrested twice in one month, and made my life a living hell for 10 months. I was just about to file for divorce when I finally got a new job. To his credit, he got off the liquor and straightened up so that he could once again take care of our son.

Fast forward 7 years: I'm still at the same job making decent money. My son is going into 5th grade. My husband is drinking two large bottles of wine every night and has an array of new(er) health issues that won't allow him to work. The two bottles of wine a night has been going on for a couple of years, if not more. I've been working from home since March and the issues that I had tried to ignore are now staring me down. He sleeps all day (one of his health issues results in fatigue), drinks and smokes all afternoon/evening in the bedroom, and the worst part - although my son is home full-time too, my husband never makes a point to spend time with him. He can go a day or two without even seeing my son - and we're all in the same house!


Staying longer, i.e. kid graduates from high school will probably mean more alimony for husband. Cut your losses and move on now.
I have skipped so much, but as you can imagine, I'm done. I checked out mentally years ago, but my resentment and anger are starting to really take a toll on me. My heart hurts so badly for my son, who is an amazing kid and is missing out on the father he deserves. I honestly feel like he might get more quality time in a joint custody arrangement than he gets now.

I want a divorce. But I don't think he deserves one cent from me. He currently spends over $700 a month on his bad habits - well, it's my job that pays for that. He has subjected me to so much mental, emotional, and financial turmoil over the years. But he has a lot of resentment towards me, too - mostly for refusing to sleep in the same bed with him. Oh, I forgot to mention that not only does he drink and smoke in the bedroom, but he also rarely showers anymore (he has severe psoriasis and says it hurts his skin) and well, he smells. And so does the bedroom. I can't fathom ever sleeping in there ever again. (I've tried to gently hint at the need for more showers, and he gets very defensive and says that he's cleaner than I am - when I shower every day.) Anyway, all this to say that there's no way it would be an easy divorce, so it would likely come down to a judge making our life-altering decisions for us. I'm scared that I will have to continue to support him, even after divorce. I'm scared that we will have to sell the house that my son has known all his life. I don't want my child to lose that stability.

So I guess my question is - how likely is it that a judge would decide that my husband should receive alimony? How likely that we'd have to sell our house? These two issues are the main ones holding me back from the divorce that I know is best for all of us.

Staying longer, i.e. until kid graduates from high school may mean longer/more alimony at the end if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

He will get whatever a SAHM would get. Most important for you is full custody of your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course youlll have to pay alimony. Until he gets remarried.

Which, if he's smart, he will never do, for a variety of reasons.

Most notably, he is an unmarriagable wreck.