Argument style: YOU should apologize

[Anonymous]

Spouse does something wrong, we all suffer and ask what the heck, he quickly says, “don’t say that, apologize.” And storms off. Conflict remains and needs fixing.

Spouse does something else wrong again, doesn’t want to take responsibility, Demands an apology if anyone even talks about it.

What on earth is this? Some type of deflection tactic? Crippling guilt? It’s beginning to seem psycho.

[Anonymous]

My husband sometimes acts like this. I call it scorched earth. He knows he's wrong, can't help himself, and goes into what-have-I-got-to-lose mode. Depending on my energy level, I either respond by making fun of him, which he hates, or if I'm really angry, by yelling back, and since I have more willpower and patience, I have the satisfaction of having the last word (which isn't important), and not feel abused (which is important).

If my husband were an otherwise kind and sensitive person, I wouldn't do this. He's been diagnosed with ADHD which he refuses to treat, and has some symptoms of Asperger's. Years of marriage have shown me that he's self-centered, has no empathy, and can go into fits of totally irrational rage, some of which he's directed at the kids. It's actually at those times that I yell back, because I don't want them to feel undefended. I even got him to apologize to our teen son last time, who he'd browbeaten into tears.

[Anonymous]

My sixth grader does this sometimes. I have to admit that even in someone who is at an age to be self-centered, it’s still baffling behavior.
I think in my child he is feeling emotionally and physiologically overwhelmed by the argument (even though he started it!), and doesn’t really have a good way of ending it. He’s not ready to admit fault yet, but he can’t continue to argue his point either. I usually say a quick “I’m sorry for my part in this,” then leave him be for a while. Once he is cooled off, he will come back and recognize his part in it.

[Anonymous]

My ex husbands whole Dx’d ASD Family is like this, blaming everyone else but themselves. Rear end a car, forget to pay their taxes, starve a small pet, get fired, leave out a broken shard and hurt two people. Silence. And if someone says or asks something, they are called mean.

People literally walk away from interactions with them wondering what planet they were on. The ASD family rarely socializes anymore outside of themselves once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

My husband has this style. Doesn’t matter how crappy the behavior he has just done or how badly it has effects me/child.....According to him, I’m the horrible “Bitch” for just saying something. Reasoning doesn’t work with someone who is like this. You are below them and mean NOTHING to them. They are willing to go all out, do anything to you and say anything to you to think themselves correct.
The PP description of “scorched earth” is exactly how my husband is when he does this. No surprise, but he has also been abusive. Despite him doing two years of solo therapy, promising he would change.. he hasn’t improved much. I told him I wanted a divorce. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband sometimes acts like this. I call it scorched earth. He knows he's wrong, can't help himself, and goes into what-have-I-got-to-lose mode. Depending on my energy level, I either respond by making fun of him, which he hates, or if I'm really angry, by yelling back, and since I have more willpower and patience, I have the satisfaction of having the last word (which isn't important), and not feel abused (which is important).

If my husband were an otherwise kind and sensitive person, I wouldn't do this. He's been diagnosed with ADHD which he refuses to treat, and has some symptoms of Asperger's. Years of marriage have shown me that he's self-centered, has no empathy, and can go into fits of totally irrational rage, some of which he's directed at the kids. It's actually at those times that I yell back, because I don't want them to feel undefended. I even got him to apologize to our teen son last time, who he'd browbeaten into tears.

He's a narcissist. Leave him.

[Anonymous]

My mom is exactly like this. It’s insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband sometimes acts like this. I call it scorched earth. He knows he's wrong, can't help himself, and goes into what-have-I-got-to-lose mode. Depending on my energy level, I either respond by making fun of him, which he hates, or if I'm really angry, by yelling back, and since I have more willpower and patience, I have the satisfaction of having the last word (which isn't important), and not feel abused (which is important).

If my husband were an otherwise kind and sensitive person, I wouldn't do this. He's been diagnosed with ADHD which he refuses to treat, and has some symptoms of Asperger's. Years of marriage have shown me that he's self-centered, has no empathy, and can go into fits of totally irrational rage, some of which he's directed at the kids. It's actually at those times that I yell back, because I don't want them to feel undefended. I even got him to apologize to our teen son last time, who he'd browbeaten into tears.

That sounds like hell, for your entire household. FFS, WHY are you still married to him? You may have willpower and patience, but this is going to do a number on your kids, growing up constantly walking on eggshells and landlines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband sometimes acts like this. I call it scorched earth. He knows he's wrong, can't help himself, and goes into what-have-I-got-to-lose mode. Depending on my energy level, I either respond by making fun of him, which he hates, or if I'm really angry, by yelling back, and since I have more willpower and patience, I have the satisfaction of having the last word (which isn't important), and not feel abused (which is important).

If my husband were an otherwise kind and sensitive person, I wouldn't do this. He's been diagnosed with ADHD which he refuses to treat, and has some symptoms of Asperger's. Years of marriage have shown me that he's self-centered, has no empathy, and can go into fits of totally irrational rage, some of which he's directed at the kids. It's actually at those times that I yell back, because I don't want them to feel undefended. I even got him to apologize to our teen son last time, who he'd browbeaten into tears.

That sounds like hell, for your entire household. FFS, WHY are you still married to him? You may have willpower and patience, but this is going to do a number on your kids, growing up constantly walking on eggshells and landlines.

I am in a similar hellish situation and until The family court systems address the parenting, communication, and executive functioning deficients of those ADHD and high functioning autism, particularly of men who stay in denial and escalate their symptoms versus women who try to manage them, you stay to protect your kids and give them similar lives as normal families. The deficits are real and constantly felt.

I cannot imagine coparenting with someone with this disability being any good for me or the kids. I assume I would continue to do 99% of everything and he would do play time, field trips, pizza out and Tv time. And continue to never read any email from school, teachers, coaches, kids’ friends or remember any sort of routine, needs, or responsibilities of each child.

We basically just leave him alone and ignore him, same as he does to us. Ironically it’s the same way he once said his family behaved towards his father. And how happy he was once he moved away to college.

[Anonymous]

I hate how some posters try to paint everyone with ADHD with the same brush. Not all people with it are assholes, there are those who are kind, funny, empathetic people. These broad statements can be very damaging.

[Anonymous]

I believe that is the exact definition of gaslighting.

Dude’s got some therapy and self reflection to do before it ever changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband sometimes acts like this. I call it scorched earth. He knows he's wrong, can't help himself, and goes into what-have-I-got-to-lose mode. Depending on my energy level, I either respond by making fun of him, which he hates, or if I'm really angry, by yelling back, and since I have more willpower and patience, I have the satisfaction of having the last word (which isn't important), and not feel abused (which is important).

If my husband were an otherwise kind and sensitive person, I wouldn't do this. He's been diagnosed with ADHD which he refuses to treat, and has some symptoms of Asperger's. Years of marriage have shown me that he's self-centered, has no empathy, and can go into fits of totally irrational rage, some of which he's directed at the kids. It's actually at those times that I yell back, because I don't want them to feel undefended. I even got him to apologize to our teen son last time, who he'd browbeaten into tears.

That sounds like hell, for your entire household. FFS, WHY are you still married to him? You may have willpower and patience, but this is going to do a number on your kids, growing up constantly walking on eggshells and landlines.

I am in a similar hellish situation and until The family court systems address the parenting, communication, and executive functioning deficients of those ADHD and high functioning autism, particularly of men who stay in denial and escalate their symptoms versus women who try to manage them, you stay to protect your kids and give them similar lives as normal families. The deficits are real and constantly felt.

I cannot imagine coparenting with someone with this disability being any good for me or the kids. I assume I would continue to do 99% of everything and he would do play time, field trips, pizza out and Tv time. And continue to never read any email from school, teachers, coaches, kids’ friends or remember any sort of routine, needs, or responsibilities of each child.

We basically just leave him alone and ignore him, same as he does to us. Ironically it’s the same way he once said his family behaved towards his father. And how happy he was once he moved away to college.

I'm not a lawyer. Still, I wonder if there's a way to have Courts mandate treatment in much the way they do for alcoholism and drug use/abuse. Same with anger management classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate how some posters try to paint everyone with ADHD with the same brush. Not all people with it are assholes, there are those who are kind, funny, empathetic people. These broad statements can be very damaging.

So far it seems everyone mentioned autism alongside adhd; the former is no joke and one can only treat the secondary effects with medicine (anger, anxiety, depression) and early behavioral therapy.

[Anonymous]

Also very specific cases and examples. The only person extrapolating and being defensive is some poster above. Hope a/he already has kids, house, cars and two adults careers to manage well. If so, s/he is in the clear and whatever ADHD s/he has, it is minor well-managed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband sometimes acts like this. I call it scorched earth. He knows he's wrong, can't help himself, and goes into what-have-I-got-to-lose mode. Depending on my energy level, I either respond by making fun of him, which he hates, or if I'm really angry, by yelling back, and since I have more willpower and patience, I have the satisfaction of having the last word (which isn't important), and not feel abused (which is important).

If my husband were an otherwise kind and sensitive person, I wouldn't do this. He's been diagnosed with ADHD which he refuses to treat, and has some symptoms of Asperger's. Years of marriage have shown me that he's self-centered, has no empathy, and can go into fits of totally irrational rage, some of which he's directed at the kids. It's actually at those times that I yell back, because I don't want them to feel undefended. I even got him to apologize to our teen son last time, who he'd browbeaten into tears.

That sounds like hell, for your entire household. FFS, WHY are you still married to him? You may have willpower and patience, but this is going to do a number on your kids, growing up constantly walking on eggshells and landlines.

Here are my reasons:

1. 90% of the time he's a supportive and knowledgeable husband and father.
2. We don't have enough money to avoid severe financial consequences of divorce.
3. As another poster said, the biggest concern would be abuse on his custody time when no other adult can defend my kids. On paper he has multiple graduate degrees (he's a highly intelligent Aspie, he presents well when he wants), he'd get 50% custody no problem.