WWYD: Grandparents Unhappy in Assisted Living and Want to Move Home

[Anonymous]

My grandparents moved into an assisted living facility six months ago and have decided they are not happy and want to move back into their senior living community home (which we were planning on selling this summer to help finance their AL expenses). They're not happy for many reasons (really, you name it, they're not happy about it--food is all fried, they can't leave their room, they want to live closer to family (want to move to a different city to be closer to extended family), the nurses are mean and mess up meds (they aren't and they don't), their place isn't clean) but ultimately I think it stems from the fact that they're no longer "independent." We tried having them live at home with hired help (medicine, cleaning, self-care, food prep) and they ultimately fired everyone (and accused one lady of stealing the cat, which wasn't true).

Right now they're doing well in assisted living because they have nurses who monitor and give medicine, meals delivered 3x/day, self-care assistance, etc. They both have a very hard time getting around, varying amounts of dementia, tons of health problems (diabetes, chronic heart problems, etc.). Not to mention all of this is happening during Covid so they are basically in lockdown (which they don't like and don't understand).

So, we say, "No, you can't move back to your home (b/c it's not what is best for you) and they will get nasty. They will threaten to remove people from the will, get verbally abusive to the family, scream/holler, throw a fit. (It seems they act a lot like my toddler who gets mad when I won't let him throw toys in the toilet!)

This all affects my mother (these are her parents) much more than the rest of us (the mental abuse from her parents if she doesn't do what they want, the constant maintenance of them while living 500 miles away). As the granddaughter, I'm a bit more removed so find it easier to say, "Tell them no. You're sorry, you understand but it's not what is best for them."

So...what would you do? How would you handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

if they BOTH have varying amounts of dementia combined with health issues, I don't see how they can live in another setting besides AL.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. Really.
But to be fair to your grandparents, this is NOT what they signed up for. Most assisted living facilities went on state-ordered total lockdown in mid-March. So when they say they literally can’t leave their rooms...they can’t.
(Maybe they’ll be able to soon...but that part has been true)
Also, the caregivers in these facilities have a tough job. Really tough. And they don’t get paid very much. And while I consider many of them to be angels on earth, not ALL of them are...and they do lose their patience, snap at residence, and screw up the meds from time to time. There are usually three shifts of staff at the residential facilities. Do you know all caregivers on each shift? Don’t discount what they say.

I know it’s hard, but they are unhappy. If they want to move home, then they move home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if they BOTH have varying amounts of dementia combined with health issues, I don't see how they can live in another setting besides AL.

Same especially if diabetes is one of the problems. Give it time. They will adjust and things will be better after Covid. Your mom needs to stay tough because she will suffer on the backend if she gives in. It is so difficult to manage hired help from far away.

[Anonymous]

Im the PP who said they should be able to move home. But I didn’t realize dementia was a factor for both. I would help your mom research AL places closer to family. Even living together in a NICE one of these facilities, it gets lonely if you have no family to visit you. And when one of them dies, the close proximity will be a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. Really.
But to be fair to your grandparents, this is NOT what they signed up for. Most assisted living facilities went on state-ordered total lockdown in mid-March. So when they say they literally can’t leave their rooms...they can’t.
(Maybe they’ll be able to soon...but that part has been true)
Also, the caregivers in these facilities have a tough job. Really tough. And they don’t get paid very much. And while I consider many of them to be angels on earth, not ALL of them are...and they do lose their patience, snap at residence, and screw up the meds from time to time. There are usually three shifts of staff at the residential facilities. Do you know all caregivers on each shift? Don’t discount what they say.

I know it’s hard, but they are unhappy. If they want to move home, then they move home.

You are nuts. Just freaking nuts.

[Anonymous]

If dementia is involved, you say, “you can’t move right now. You house needs to be refinished or whatever. You can move during the pandemic. “. Keep stalling. Eventually, the dementia will get to a point where they will stop asking. Don’t say outright “no”, just punt it down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if they BOTH have varying amounts of dementia combined with health issues, I don't see how they can live in another setting besides AL.

Same especially if diabetes is one of the problems. Give it time. They will adjust and things will be better after Covid. Your mom needs to stay tough because she will suffer on the backend if she gives in. It is so difficult to manage hired help from far away.

Are they capable enough to live in independent living? Does the facility have independent living units? If so, you may want to try them out there. They may get enough additional freedom to feel comfortable.

- child who had to put his father in a memory unit

[Anonymous]

You could shop for a different or better AL facility, maybe one close to you so you could take some burden off your mom. Or one with more "daycare" activities. But from what you describe, they can't go home.

I feel for your mom, that's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if they BOTH have varying amounts of dementia combined with health issues, I don't see how they can live in another setting besides AL.

Same especially if diabetes is one of the problems. Give it time. They will adjust and things will be better after Covid. Your mom needs to stay tough because she will suffer on the backend if she gives in. It is so difficult to manage hired help from far away.

Are they capable enough to live in independent living? Does the facility have independent living units? If so, you may want to try them out there. They may get enough additional freedom to feel comfortable.



- child who had to put his father in a memory unit

The OP’s post suggests they cannot be in independent living. They apparently fired all their home health ppl and aides due to dementia. They both have dementia. It actually isn’t safe and is sometimes impossible to have in home care for one person with dementia plus major health problems let alone two. That’s why I always say never assume you can age in place even if you can afford it and your family is a hundred percent supportive and helps out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. Really.
But to be fair to your grandparents, this is NOT what they signed up for. Most assisted living facilities went on state-ordered total lockdown in mid-March. So when they say they literally can’t leave their rooms...they can’t.
(Maybe they’ll be able to soon...but that part has been true)
Also, the caregivers in these facilities have a tough job. Really tough. And they don’t get paid very much. And while I consider many of them to be angels on earth, not ALL of them are...and they do lose their patience, snap at residence, and screw up the meds from time to time. There are usually three shifts of staff at the residential facilities. Do you know all caregivers on each shift? Don’t discount what they say.

I know it’s hard, but they are unhappy. If they want to move home, then they move home.

And when one of them starts the oven and then leaves it on, because, you know, dementia, what do you think happens then?

[Anonymous]

They’re going to have the same complaints no matter where they are. All you can do is support your mom and offer to be the bad guy over the phone sometimes to give her a break.

Is your mom an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If dementia is involved, you say, “you can’t move right now. You house needs to be refinished or whatever. You can move during the pandemic. “. Keep stalling. Eventually, the dementia will get to a point where they will stop asking. Don’t say outright “no”, just punt it down the road.

This is good. "No" still means something to them because its simple. They won't be able to refute more deft ways of saying no like "Let's change the subject" or "Let's talk about something else." We did this all the time with my dad and it worked because they can't do all the thinking behind the actual words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If dementia is involved, you say, “you can’t move right now. You house needs to be refinished or whatever. You can move during the pandemic. “. Keep stalling. Eventually, the dementia will get to a point where they will stop asking. Don’t say outright “no”, just punt it down the road.

This is good. "No" still means something to them because its simple. They won't be able to refute more deft ways of saying no like "Let's change the subject" or "Let's talk about something else." We did this all the time with my dad and it worked because they can't do all the thinking behind the actual words.

This is really the best advise. Stall it.

Understand that legally the couple can move out and get their own apartment. Seen that. A neighbor had parents that he had living in an apartment. At age 95 and 100 he
moved them into assisted living. At 6 months in the couple complained to the son that they hated it. They hated the food. They were retired dairy farmers and ate everything
fried and the food was too healthy and not enough butter, cream and full fat dairy.

Anyways, one of the couple called an apartment complex and rented a unti and they moved out of assisted living and back into an apartment at age 96 and 101. It was horrible on the son because one of them was legally blind and they could not clean etc.

Legally they can't be stopped from moving.

Tell your Mom to do the stall techniques.

THings should get better as covid restrictions are lifted and activities kick in.

[Anonymous]

Also, how much does your MOm intereact with them. Tell her not to call every day. The two of them have each other. Your Mom needs to take care of herself first.