WWYD: Grandparents Unhappy in Assisted Living and Want to Move Home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if they BOTH have varying amounts of dementia combined with health issues, I don't see how they can live in another setting besides AL.

Assisted living isn’t very safe right now for Covid reasons so insisting that they stay there might kill them.
My parents are physically disabled and have dementia and we adopted the house so that they can stay at home. We hired 24 seven care which costs $175,000 a year. My mom also kicked a lot of people out at first but somehow now she has evolved. I don’t think you know whether or not the nurses are mean.It’s possible they are. Having them at home does require work and oversight on my part. It’s very expensive so I don’t know if your parents can afford that but if they can I would let them do it given covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If dementia is involved, you say, “you can’t move right now. You house needs to be refinished or whatever. You can move during the pandemic. “. Keep stalling. Eventually, the dementia will get to a point where they will stop asking. Don’t say outright “no”, just punt it down the road.

Honestly, this is what I'd do. I'd keep telling them that you understand and are getting things ready for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if they BOTH have varying amounts of dementia combined with health issues, I don't see how they can live in another setting besides AL.

Assisted living isn’t very safe right now for Covid reasons so insisting that they stay there might kill them.
My parents are physically disabled and have dementia and we adopted the house so that they can stay at home. We hired 24 seven care which costs $175,000 a year. My mom also kicked a lot of people out at first but somehow now she has evolved. I don’t think you know whether or not the nurses are mean.It’s possible they are. Having them at home does require work and oversight on my part. It’s very expensive so I don’t know if your parents can afford that but if they can I would let them do it given covid.

Who is paying the bill? $175,000 is WAAAAAY beyond most people's ability to pay.

[Anonymous]

NP. $175,000 is more than me ad DH make in a year. (yes, we're so poor by DCUM standards)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If dementia is involved, you say, “you can’t move right now. You house needs to be refinished or whatever. You can move during the pandemic. “. Keep stalling. Eventually, the dementia will get to a point where they will stop asking. Don’t say outright “no”, just punt it down the road.

Honestly, this is what I'd do. I'd keep telling them that you understand and are getting things ready for them.

This is a very good strategy. Also, google "Banner Alzheimer's Institute" in Phoenix, AZ. They have some good info online. One of their guides suggests that if you have to, lie to them. Obviously, doing so effectively requires that they have a level of cognitive decline that will allow for it.

I'm the son from page 1 who put his father in a memory unit (alzheimer's). My father would ask about the family car. Of course, he was asking about the family car owned before I was born. At first, I would engage him trying to better understand what car he was talking about, why he needed to know, etc. He would get frustrated and angry because he couldn't convey what he wanted. After I read Banner's advice, when he would bring up the car, I would tell him that I had it at the mechanic for an oil change and I would park it in the parking lot once it was done. That would satisfy him and we could have a pleasant visit.

I will tell you that it was hard. I didn't like lying to him, but I found that it accomplished a greater good. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Instead of telling them no, hear them and an acknowledge their feelings and "agree." The stall - right now you tell them because of the pandemic their senior community is not allowing people in. Then you can stall more by saying it's taking a while to crunch numbers to pay for help (which you tell them the senior community now "requires"). then you tell them insurance is dragging out.

Ys, their current place is likely not able to entertain them enough. Hopefully it will get better during the delays you all put in place. Is an assisted living closer to family a possibility?

[Anonymous]

Move them back home and hire help. Many of those places aren't great and the food is bad.

[Anonymous]

Does your mom have durable power of attorney? If not, it’s kind of not her call. Trust me, I have been there and I sympathize, totally. Elder care is brutal. But sometimes you can’t prevent every problem. If they’re still able to decide this and coordinate and finance the move themselves, they can, and the chips will just fall where they may.

What your mom does NOT have to do is help them. I was in an elder care situation where the dementia patient really wanted to go on a trip to Europe. He would get so mad when we argued with him. I finally started saying, great, book it! Which he absolutely could not do on his own (finding the numbers, the calendar etc was not there). But he was much happier with us saying that and never got frustrated when he couldn’t. He would just talk about the trip in a happy way and how he was about to book it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom have durable power of attorney? If not, it’s kind of not her call. Trust me, I have been there and I sympathize, totally. Elder care is brutal. But sometimes you can’t prevent every problem. If they’re still able to decide this and coordinate and finance the move themselves, they can, and the chips will just fall where they may.

What your mom does NOT have to do is help them. I was in an elder care situation where the dementia patient really wanted to go on a trip to Europe. He would get so mad when we argued with him. I finally started saying, great, book it! Which he absolutely could not do on his own (finding the numbers, the calendar etc was not there). But he was much happier with us saying that and never got frustrated when he couldn’t. He would just talk about the trip in a happy way and how he was about to book it.

New poster. Came here to ask the same question PP poses -- OP, does your mother have durable power of attorney for her parents? I would look into it, if not. They may be unwilling to OK that if they are early-stage dementia, are "with it" at times and believe they're fine all the time, and can appear fine to an outsider like an attorney (I think; we never quite got to the POA stage with my parent but it was on the horizon). I would be concerned that they might blow, or be conned out of, any money they still have, if they try to effect a move themselves.

If they both will be placated by the great tactic PP and others have suggested (don't argue any points with them, just say the car is still in the shop; you go ahead and plan that trip to Europe; your house is being painted so we'll tell you when it's done....etc.) that is good. Would they both react to that kind of statement with acceptance? My relative's dementia did not have full hold for a long time, and a tactic like that might have upset her more if she was in a relatively clear moment and said, "Wait, you said the car was in the shop so where is it? Why aren't they giving it back?" etc. I am NOT saying not to try this, only that it may work differently with different people. Dementia can be very individual in how it manifests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move them back home and hire help. Many of those places aren't great and the food is bad.

Please read the entire original post and the whole thread. What you so easily suggest is not doable for these folks. They will not keep any at-home help. This was already discussed.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you all for the responses! I think the delay tactic will most likely be our best tactic but to someone's comment, it wouldn't surprise me if they up and moved themselves. They're 500 miles away and JUST capable enough that they might pull it off.

My mom does have POA which should help protect their fiances. I don't think they realize she does and what those implications are completely.

And I am very sympathetic to the fact that this is much harder than it needs to be because of Covid. Even if they lived in the same town as me and my parents, we still couldn't see them right now. But they don't understand that.

Thank you all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you all for the responses! I think the delay tactic will most likely be our best tactic but to someone's comment, it wouldn't surprise me if they up and moved themselves. They're 500 miles away and JUST capable enough that they might pull it off.

My mom does have POA which should help protect their fiances. I don't think they realize she does and what those implications are completely.

And I am very sympathetic to the fact that this is much harder than it needs to be because of Covid. Even if they lived in the same town as me and my parents, we still couldn't see them right now. But they don't understand that.

Thank you all!

Do they still think they can drive? If so, I would disable their car. That is what we did for mu MIL. She wanted to see the car from her room’s window and was calmed by that. So, my BIL took out something (ala the nuns in Sound of Music) so that she would not e able to to drive it, in case she had a set of keys we did not know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move them back home and hire help. Many of those places aren't great and the food is bad.

Please read the entire original post and the whole thread. What you so easily suggest is not doable for these folks. They will not keep any at-home help. This was already discussed.

Yes, it is easy and you tell the people they are not fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if they BOTH have varying amounts of dementia combined with health issues, I don't see how they can live in another setting besides AL.

Assisted living isn’t very safe right now for Covid reasons so insisting that they stay there might kill them.
My parents are physically disabled and have dementia and we adopted the house so that they can stay at home. We hired 24 seven care which costs $175,000 a year. My mom also kicked a lot of people out at first but somehow now she has evolved. I don’t think you know whether or not the nurses are mean.It’s possible they are. Having them at home does require work and oversight on my part. It’s very expensive so I don’t know if your parents can afford that but if they can I would let them do it given covid.

Who is paying the bill? $175,000 is WAAAAAY beyond most people's ability to pay.

Op here. Yes, I realize the vast vast majority of people cannot afford that. I’m just telling people for reference. This is through an agency that probably takes half for their cut. You could also try to hire privately like people do for nannies and it would be less but then you have to coordinate the care. And my parents are paying for it, or rather we are using their funds. The money all goes to us when they die coming out of our inheritance so I figure if we want to pay that much for their care, we can.

Handling caring for elderly parents with dementia is so so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if they BOTH have varying amounts of dementia combined with health issues, I don't see how they can live in another setting besides AL.

Assisted living isn’t very safe right now for Covid reasons so insisting that they stay there might kill them.
My parents are physically disabled and have dementia and we adopted the house so that they can stay at home. We hired 24 seven care which costs $175,000 a year. My mom also kicked a lot of people out at first but somehow now she has evolved. I don’t think you know whether or not the nurses are mean.It’s possible they are. Having them at home does require work and oversight on my part. It’s very expensive so I don’t know if your parents can afford that but if they can I would let them do it given covid.

Social worker here. Do you think the aides coming in to care for your parents are quarantining/ don't have other jobs? I highly doubt both of those things.