Ask me anything: I am a kept woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him!

Maybe I'm naive, but I hope I've taught my children enough about right and wrong that the wouldn't want to participate in breaking up a family or even marriage.

Hopefully. But there is an awful lot of infidelity out there, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that even your children might make mistakes as adults. BTW, my father cheated on my mother many times and all three of us kids are happily married. It's not the end of the world.

Glad you were able to compartmentalize away your mother's unhappiness and mistreatment.

Not the PP.

My mother had an affair. My parents stayed married for several years post-affair, and ultimately divorced when I was a teenager. It was her idea. It affected our family life in many ways, some positive and some negative.

I do not believe that my mom was a bad mom as a result of her affair. I do not believe that I got flawed modeling about marriage from my parents. In fact, I think they were excellent models of what a bad marriage that should end looked like. They were unhappy for years. I found out about my mom's affair much later, when I was an adult, and looking back on the time when she was involved with the other man (who I do not remember ever meeting in any context), she was a great mom at that time. She threw wonderful birthday parties. She taught me to read. We did cool projects together. I never once felt like my mother was unavailable to me, as a result of her relationship with this man, my father, or anyone else. If anything, looking back now, I respect her right to have some aspects of her life that did not revolve around her children.

I know that many people have a different experience. I do not believe that I am "compartmentalizing" my fathers "unhappiness and mistreatment". I understand why my mother cheated, why she did not just get divorced right then and why she ended up divorcing later. I understand why my father feels bitter toward her and I also understand the ways in which he was complicit in the unhappiness in their marriage. It is not excusing a cheater to say that when marriages fail, it is not generally 100% the fault of anyone.

My childhood was not ruined as a result of my mother's affair, which she confessed to me about 20 years after the affair itself, nor was it ruined by the dissolution of my parents' marriage. I do not think there's anything wrong with married adults having lives that are separate from their children. Certainly there are parts of my life that my child is not involved in or a primary consideration for.

Your mother had a one-time affair and she chose to end the marriage. They dynamics are very different than than when a woman feels trapped in marriage with a repeat adulterer because she is financially dependent upon him (as many, many women were, and still are).

Yes. She chose to end the married like 7 years later, due to being trapped in a marriage because she was financially dependent on my dad.

My point was that I do not believe that children in my situation, the OP's boyfriend's children's situation, or any other situation are necessarily, absolutely 100% going to have a fucked up miserable childhood as the result of their parents' relationship issues. Several posters lamenting the poor children were basically implying that the kids are guaranteed to be miserable. If these kids do not expect their dad to show up for things, expect him to just go on paying for things, and expect him to have a distant relationship with their mom but still generally be around, then it doesn't really matter what he's doing when he isn't there.

If that couple divorces, I think less of the parent who burdens the children with this information.

So therefore, he should keep OP as far away from his kids as possible. OP has "accidentally" already met them. Really, OP, how "accidental" was it?

When do you admit to yourself that you've crossed over from "kept woman" to stalker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this thread still going on. Do people honestly think that by having this anonymous conversation they can rid the world of cheating and mistresses?

Huh?

+1! OP is obviously desperate for attention. She's kept this thread going for 60 some pages now, so obviously OP has lots of time on her hands. The guy isn't paying as much attention to her as he used to ... perhaps he's returned to the professor's class to look for OP's replacement.

OP: have you seen him this week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him!

Maybe I'm naive, but I hope I've taught my children enough about right and wrong that the wouldn't want to participate in breaking up a family or even marriage.

Hopefully. But there is an awful lot of infidelity out there, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that even your children might make mistakes as adults. BTW, my father cheated on my mother many times and all three of us kids are happily married. It's not the end of the world.

Glad you were able to compartmentalize away your mother's unhappiness and mistreatment.

Not the PP.

My mother had an affair. My parents stayed married for several years post-affair, and ultimately divorced when I was a teenager. It was her idea. It affected our family life in many ways, some positive and some negative.

I do not believe that my mom was a bad mom as a result of her affair. I do not believe that I got flawed modeling about marriage from my parents. In fact, I think they were excellent models of what a bad marriage that should end looked like. They were unhappy for years. I found out about my mom's affair much later, when I was an adult, and looking back on the time when she was involved with the other man (who I do not remember ever meeting in any context), she was a great mom at that time. She threw wonderful birthday parties. She taught me to read. We did cool projects together. I never once felt like my mother was unavailable to me, as a result of her relationship with this man, my father, or anyone else. If anything, looking back now, I respect her right to have some aspects of her life that did not revolve around her children.

I know that many people have a different experience. I do not believe that I am "compartmentalizing" my fathers "unhappiness and mistreatment". I understand why my mother cheated, why she did not just get divorced right then and why she ended up divorcing later. I understand why my father feels bitter toward her and I also understand the ways in which he was complicit in the unhappiness in their marriage. It is not excusing a cheater to say that when marriages fail, it is not generally 100% the fault of anyone.

My childhood was not ruined as a result of my mother's affair, which she confessed to me about 20 years after the affair itself, nor was it ruined by the dissolution of my parents' marriage. I do not think there's anything wrong with married adults having lives that are separate from their children. Certainly there are parts of my life that my child is not involved in or a primary consideration for.

Your mother had a one-time affair and she chose to end the marriage. They dynamics are very different than than when a woman feels trapped in marriage with a repeat adulterer because she is financially dependent upon him (as many, many women were, and still are).

Yes. She chose to end the married like 7 years later, due to being trapped in a marriage because she was financially dependent on my dad.

My point was that I do not believe that children in my situation, the OP's boyfriend's children's situation, or any other situation are necessarily, absolutely 100% going to have a fucked up miserable childhood as the result of their parents' relationship issues. Several posters lamenting the poor children were basically implying that the kids are guaranteed to be miserable. If these kids do not expect their dad to show up for things, expect him to just go on paying for things, and expect him to have a distant relationship with their mom but still generally be around, then it doesn't really matter what he's doing when he isn't there.

If that couple divorces, I think less of the parent who burdens the children with this information.

I completely disagree. Many times children find out without their parents telling them (I did). Some kids remain oblivious, others are just more intuitive and sensitive to this. For me, I could not accept how my father intentionally, for years, took away from his wife (my mother) and kids (us) so that he could have relationships with other women. The sheer amount of lying and deceit are just unfathomable. I was left wondering how could this man have a moral conscience? How could he deceive day after day? How could he sleep at night? Needless to say, I have barely any relationship with my father, for whom I have no respect. I feel terrible for my mother, who had to endure this. They are now divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why would the kids be fucked up?

Because their dad is having a long term extra-marital affair, leading a double life, and devoting his time and money to a deceitful relationship. Is it possible the kids will emerge unscathed from this example of a husband and father? Maybe, but his kids are likely going to have some major relationship issues when they grow up. They will not have an ideal marital relationship to model themselves after. If one or both of the kids is a girl, she will likely enter into unhealthy relationships as a result of her father's influence. Kids are not dumb or ignorant. They will likely full well know about the situation sooner rather than later. They will enter into adolescence deeply ambivalent about committed relationships and marriage. It's simply a sad legacy to pass on to your kids.

As for the reasoning, that if it weren't the OP, it would be someone else, that doesn't really absolve the OP from her complicity in this mess. Sure, there would likely be a different mistress, but that doesn't make the OP less culpable for her role in this.

I think you have an unrealistic view of marriage.

\

Because having your spouse lead a double life is realistic?!? WTF?

Not that poster, but real problem is the cost -- the $$$ siphoned off from the guy's kids. OP is more than complicit, she's getting off on how much $$ he spends (presuming of course that the thread's not just another urban legend?).

OP how do you file your taxes? Do you realize that you may be accused of tax evasion -- and that he may be accused of hiding assets from the marriage (a type of fraud)?

How do you and he cover your tracks from the IRS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him!

Maybe I'm naive, but I hope I've taught my children enough about right and wrong that the wouldn't want to participate in breaking up a family or even marriage.

Hopefully. But there is an awful lot of infidelity out there, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that even your children might make mistakes as adults. BTW, my father cheated on my mother many times and all three of us kids are happily married. It's not the end of the world.

Glad you were able to compartmentalize away your mother's unhappiness and mistreatment.

Not the PP.

My mother had an affair. My parents stayed married for several years post-affair, and ultimately divorced when I was a teenager. It was her idea. It affected our family life in many ways, some positive and some negative.

I do not believe that my mom was a bad mom as a result of her affair. I do not believe that I got flawed modeling about marriage from my parents. In fact, I think they were excellent models of what a bad marriage that should end looked like. They were unhappy for years. I found out about my mom's affair much later, when I was an adult, and looking back on the time when she was involved with the other man (who I do not remember ever meeting in any context), she was a great mom at that time. She threw wonderful birthday parties. She taught me to read. We did cool projects together. I never once felt like my mother was unavailable to me, as a result of her relationship with this man, my father, or anyone else. If anything, looking back now, I respect her right to have some aspects of her life that did not revolve around her children.

I know that many people have a different experience. I do not believe that I am "compartmentalizing" my fathers "unhappiness and mistreatment". I understand why my mother cheated, why she did not just get divorced right then and why she ended up divorcing later. I understand why my father feels bitter toward her and I also understand the ways in which he was complicit in the unhappiness in their marriage. It is not excusing a cheater to say that when marriages fail, it is not generally 100% the fault of anyone.

My childhood was not ruined as a result of my mother's affair, which she confessed to me about 20 years after the affair itself, nor was it ruined by the dissolution of my parents' marriage. I do not think there's anything wrong with married adults having lives that are separate from their children. Certainly there are parts of my life that my child is not involved in or a primary consideration for.

Your mother had a one-time affair and she chose to end the marriage. They dynamics are very different than than when a woman feels trapped in marriage with a repeat adulterer because she is financially dependent upon him (as many, many women were, and still are).

Yes. She chose to end the married like 7 years later, due to being trapped in a marriage because she was financially dependent on my dad.

My point was that I do not believe that children in my situation, the OP's boyfriend's children's situation, or any other situation are necessarily, absolutely 100% going to have a fucked up miserable childhood as the result of their parents' relationship issues. Several posters lamenting the poor children were basically implying that the kids are guaranteed to be miserable. If these kids do not expect their dad to show up for things, expect him to just go on paying for things, and expect him to have a distant relationship with their mom but still generally be around, then it doesn't really matter what he's doing when he isn't there.

If that couple divorces, I think less of the parent who burdens the children with this information.

I completely disagree. Many times children find out without their parents telling them (I did). Some kids remain oblivious, others are just more intuitive and sensitive to this. For me, I could not accept how my father intentionally, for years, took away from his wife (my mother) and kids (us) so that he could have relationships with other women. The sheer amount of lying and deceit are just unfathomable. I was left wondering how could this man have a moral conscience? How could he deceive day after day? How could he sleep at night? Needless to say, I have barely any relationship with my father, for whom I have no respect. I feel terrible for my mother, who had to endure this. They are now divorced.

I don't understand what you're completely disagreeing with. My point was that the kids might be miserable and have a lifetime of crappy relationships (romantically and with their dad), or they might not. My personal feelings, based on my experience in my situation, was that it was not really my business what my mom was doing when she was having an affair. I did not feel, later, that she betrayed ME. My father? Sure, but his betrayal is not my betrayal. You clearly feel differently. That's fine, and I'm sorry that your dad was a jerk. My recollection of the 2.5 years or so that my mom was having an affair were that she was always there for me. Both of my parents had 1 night per week each when they went out alone to do whatever they wanted to do. My dad usually went to concerts (he was and remains a musician). At the time, my mom said she was going to a coffee shop. Later I learned that she was not alone during those times. Either way, it wasn't like she was supposed to be home with me and was elsewhere. They both had designated times when they did non-kid stuff and during the other times, they were both really great parents. They remain really great parents and grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him!

Maybe I'm naive, but I hope I've taught my children enough about right and wrong that the wouldn't want to participate in breaking up a family or even marriage.

Hopefully. But there is an awful lot of infidelity out there, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that even your children might make mistakes as adults. BTW, my father cheated on my mother many times and all three of us kids are happily married. It's not the end of the world.

Glad you were able to compartmentalize away your mother's unhappiness and mistreatment.

Not the PP.

My mother had an affair. My parents stayed married for several years post-affair, and ultimately divorced when I was a teenager. It was her idea. It affected our family life in many ways, some positive and some negative.

I do not believe that my mom was a bad mom as a result of her affair. I do not believe that I got flawed modeling about marriage from my parents. In fact, I think they were excellent models of what a bad marriage that should end looked like. They were unhappy for years. I found out about my mom's affair much later, when I was an adult, and looking back on the time when she was involved with the other man (who I do not remember ever meeting in any context), she was a great mom at that time. She threw wonderful birthday parties. She taught me to read. We did cool projects together. I never once felt like my mother was unavailable to me, as a result of her relationship with this man, my father, or anyone else. If anything, looking back now, I respect her right to have some aspects of her life that did not revolve around her children.

I know that many people have a different experience. I do not believe that I am "compartmentalizing" my fathers "unhappiness and mistreatment". I understand why my mother cheated, why she did not just get divorced right then and why she ended up divorcing later. I understand why my father feels bitter toward her and I also understand the ways in which he was complicit in the unhappiness in their marriage. It is not excusing a cheater to say that when marriages fail, it is not generally 100% the fault of anyone.

My childhood was not ruined as a result of my mother's affair, which she confessed to me about 20 years after the affair itself, nor was it ruined by the dissolution of my parents' marriage. I do not think there's anything wrong with married adults having lives that are separate from their children. Certainly there are parts of my life that my child is not involved in or a primary consideration for.

Your mother had a one-time affair and she chose to end the marriage. They dynamics are very different than than when a woman feels trapped in marriage with a repeat adulterer because she is financially dependent upon him (as many, many women were, and still are).

Yes. She chose to end the married like 7 years later, due to being trapped in a marriage because she was financially dependent on my dad.

My point was that I do not believe that children in my situation, the OP's boyfriend's children's situation, or any other situation are necessarily, absolutely 100% going to have a fucked up miserable childhood as the result of their parents' relationship issues. Several posters lamenting the poor children were basically implying that the kids are guaranteed to be miserable. If these kids do not expect their dad to show up for things, expect him to just go on paying for things, and expect him to have a distant relationship with their mom but still generally be around, then it doesn't really matter what he's doing when he isn't there.

If that couple divorces, I think less of the parent who burdens the children with this information.

I completely disagree. Many times children find out without their parents telling them (I did). Some kids remain oblivious, others are just more intuitive and sensitive to this. For me, I could not accept how my father intentionally, for years, took away from his wife (my mother) and kids (us) so that he could have relationships with other women. The sheer amount of lying and deceit are just unfathomable. I was left wondering how could this man have a moral conscience? How could he deceive day after day? How could he sleep at night? Needless to say, I have barely any relationship with my father, for whom I have no respect. I feel terrible for my mother, who had to endure this. They are now divorced.

I don't understand what you're completely disagreeing with. My point was that the kids might be miserable and have a lifetime of crappy relationships (romantically and with their dad), or they might not. My personal feelings, based on my experience in my situation, was that it was not really my business what my mom was doing when she was having an affair. I did not feel, later, that she betrayed ME. My father? Sure, but his betrayal is not my betrayal. You clearly feel differently. That's fine, and I'm sorry that your dad was a jerk. My recollection of the 2.5 years or so that my mom was having an affair were that she was always there for me. Both of my parents had 1 night per week each when they went out alone to do whatever they wanted to do. My dad usually went to concerts (he was and remains a musician). At the time, my mom said she was going to a coffee shop. Later I learned that she was not alone during those times. Either way, it wasn't like she was supposed to be home with me and was elsewhere. They both had designated times when they did non-kid stuff and during the other times, they were both really great parents. They remain really great parents and grandparents.

I am disagreeing with the point that the parent who burdens the children with information is more blame-worthy than the parent who actually cheats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him!

Maybe I'm naive, but I hope I've taught my children enough about right and wrong that the wouldn't want to participate in breaking up a family or even marriage.

Hopefully. But there is an awful lot of infidelity out there, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that even your children might make mistakes as adults. BTW, my father cheated on my mother many times and all three of us kids are happily married. It's not the end of the world.

Glad you were able to compartmentalize away your mother's unhappiness and mistreatment.

Not the PP.

My mother had an affair. My parents stayed married for several years post-affair, and ultimately divorced when I was a teenager. It was her idea. It affected our family life in many ways, some positive and some negative.

I do not believe that my mom was a bad mom as a result of her affair. I do not believe that I got flawed modeling about marriage from my parents. In fact, I think they were excellent models of what a bad marriage that should end looked like. They were unhappy for years. I found out about my mom's affair much later, when I was an adult, and looking back on the time when she was involved with the other man (who I do not remember ever meeting in any context), she was a great mom at that time. She threw wonderful birthday parties. She taught me to read. We did cool projects together. I never once felt like my mother was unavailable to me, as a result of her relationship with this man, my father, or anyone else. If anything, looking back now, I respect her right to have some aspects of her life that did not revolve around her children.

I know that many people have a different experience. I do not believe that I am "compartmentalizing" my fathers "unhappiness and mistreatment". I understand why my mother cheated, why she did not just get divorced right then and why she ended up divorcing later. I understand why my father feels bitter toward her and I also understand the ways in which he was complicit in the unhappiness in their marriage. It is not excusing a cheater to say that when marriages fail, it is not generally 100% the fault of anyone.

My childhood was not ruined as a result of my mother's affair, which she confessed to me about 20 years after the affair itself, nor was it ruined by the dissolution of my parents' marriage. I do not think there's anything wrong with married adults having lives that are separate from their children. Certainly there are parts of my life that my child is not involved in or a primary consideration for.

Your mother had a one-time affair and she chose to end the marriage. They dynamics are very different than than when a woman feels trapped in marriage with a repeat adulterer because she is financially dependent upon him (as many, many women were, and still are).

Yes. She chose to end the married like 7 years later, due to being trapped in a marriage because she was financially dependent on my dad.

My point was that I do not believe that children in my situation, the OP's boyfriend's children's situation, or any other situation are necessarily, absolutely 100% going to have a fucked up miserable childhood as the result of their parents' relationship issues. Several posters lamenting the poor children were basically implying that the kids are guaranteed to be miserable. If these kids do not expect their dad to show up for things, expect him to just go on paying for things, and expect him to have a distant relationship with their mom but still generally be around, then it doesn't really matter what he's doing when he isn't there.

If that couple divorces, I think less of the parent who burdens the children with this information.

I completely disagree. Many times children find out without their parents telling them (I did). Some kids remain oblivious, others are just more intuitive and sensitive to this. For me, I could not accept how my father intentionally, for years, took away from his wife (my mother) and kids (us) so that he could have relationships with other women. The sheer amount of lying and deceit are just unfathomable. I was left wondering how could this man have a moral conscience? How could he deceive day after day? How could he sleep at night? Needless to say, I have barely any relationship with my father, for whom I have no respect. I feel terrible for my mother, who had to endure this. They are now divorced.

I don't understand what you're completely disagreeing with. My point was that the kids might be miserable and have a lifetime of crappy relationships (romantically and with their dad), or they might not. My personal feelings, based on my experience in my situation, was that it was not really my business what my mom was doing when she was having an affair. I did not feel, later, that she betrayed ME. My father? Sure, but his betrayal is not my betrayal. You clearly feel differently. That's fine, and I'm sorry that your dad was a jerk. My recollection of the 2.5 years or so that my mom was having an affair were that she was always there for me. Both of my parents had 1 night per week each when they went out alone to do whatever they wanted to do. My dad usually went to concerts (he was and remains a musician). At the time, my mom said she was going to a coffee shop. Later I learned that she was not alone during those times. Either way, it wasn't like she was supposed to be home with me and was elsewhere. They both had designated times when they did non-kid stuff and during the other times, they were both really great parents. They remain really great parents and grandparents.

I am disagreeing with the point that the parent who burdens the children with information is more blame-worthy than the parent who actually cheats.

I didn't say anything about anyone being more blame-worthy. A cheated on spouse loses integrity in my eyes if they bring the children into it. If a kid asks, I think it's perfectly acceptable to say something along the lines of "While Daddy/Mommy and I love you very much, we do not want to be married to each other anymore" and leave it at that.

Imagine that the OP's boyfriend's wife finds out about his activities tomorrow and demands divorce. What is to be gained by her telling her children, unsolicited or solicited, "Your dad has been paying a 24-year-old to have sex with him and that's why he hasn't been coming to your ballet class" or whatever? Nothing. That accomplishes nothing other than to make children feel LESS stable in an already unstable situation and is clearly a tactic to punish a cheating spouse. I just don't think it's right, and while I obviously am NOT saying that such a disclosure to the kids would justify the affair, I would think less of the wronged spouse who chose to punish their STBX that way.

[Anonymous]

oh for fucks sake, this thread got totally derailed by a few ninnies arguing with each other. next time, just start a new thread rather than hijaking.

now I'll never how much of a psychopath OP really is. but I'm kinda into that so maybe she'll come back and I can hit her up for her number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him!

Maybe I'm naive, but I hope I've taught my children enough about right and wrong that the wouldn't want to participate in breaking up a family or even marriage.

Hopefully. But there is an awful lot of infidelity out there, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that even your children might make mistakes as adults. BTW, my father cheated on my mother many times and all three of us kids are happily married. It's not the end of the world.

Glad you were able to compartmentalize away your mother's unhappiness and mistreatment.

You're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions out of nowhere. I'm not going into details, but yes, it is possible for everyone to go on and live happy and healthy lives, even through infidelity and (in the case of our family) divorce. Every parent makes mistakes, but not all of them have to ruin their children's lives.

I think a lot of people are projecting their own emotions onto this situation, and have lost perspective in their anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those of you beating the drum that OP and her man are an example of "progressive" views of marriage are unbelievable. You know what might be progressive? DH and his wife sitting down and honestly discussing whether they want to be together, if they want and exclusive or open marriage, and how they will handle the impact of an open marriage with their children. That's not this case. No mutual consent has been given to this love triangle, and in fact it is being kept hidden. That's just cheating, pure and simple. It is selfish.

+1

Completely agree. I can't believe what I'm reading from some people. Do people really feel that breaking vows, being disrespectful, deceitful, etc is PROGRESSIVE?!?!? All in the spirit of, "I do what I want, who I want, when I want."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found it weird that she would have a cockapoo (a "new," "designer" dog) and yet would also volunteer for a dog rescue organization, who are typically against designer breeds. If you care so much about rescuing pets from shelters so they won't die, why did you waste your $$ and time buying a designer breed? Why didn't you adopt one from a rescue org. or a shelter?

How do you know she didn't adopt the cockapoo? There are plenty of purebred dogs available through rescue organizations. I don't think of a cockapoo as anything particularly new or fancy.

+1

My "maiden Great-Aunts" have cockapoos. Nicer than bichons or other pocketbook dogs, but still nothing fancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh for fucks sake, this thread got totally derailed by a few ninnies arguing with each other. next time, just start a new thread rather than hijaking.

now I'll never how much of a psychopath OP really is. but I'm kinda into that so maybe she'll come back and I can hit her up for her number.

I really miss OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh for fucks sake, this thread got totally derailed by a few ninnies arguing with each other. next time, just start a new thread rather than hijaking.

now I'll never how much of a psychopath OP really is. but I'm kinda into that so maybe she'll come back and I can hit her up for her number.

I really miss OP.

Yeah, her thought processes intrigued me.

I know a few wives who would be fine with this arrangement as long as they were comfortable financially. Not everyone wants their husband around much, helping with the kids and playing nice. Perhaps this is simpler than a divorce. Maybe there's no pre-nup and she doesn't want to give up her SAHM/housekeeper/nanny lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

This used to be the norm in some cultures. Marry the "wife" type and have kids with her. Then keep the woman you want on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This used to be the norm in some cultures. Marry the "wife" type and have kids with her. Then keep the woman you want on the side.

I think this would be healthier in the USA