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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Actually, I find the most fascinating aspect the fact that the OP has no moral regard for her affair partner's children. The fact that she can completely absolve herself from any guilt caused by her part in their fucked up childhood.[/quote]

But, really, why should she? The husband is a narcissist, and OP thinks the wife knows her husband has a girlfriend and still stays in the marriage. If the kids turn out screwed up, it actually has very little to do with her. It's not like the husband would be faithful if OP wasn't in the picture. Men like that aren't.[/quote]

The husband's greater level of guilt and his responsibility to his family does not absolve the mistress of her role in the dysfunction.[/quote]

Meh. If he's saying it's all good, I can see why she's not wringing her hands over their "ruined" childhood. She doesn't know those kids at all, or know anything about his family other than what he tells her. She's never been a parent. Exhorting a foolish young person to imagine terrible consequences to people they don't know is a waste of energy, especially when her only contact with the family is him![/quote]

Maybe I'm naive, but I hope I've taught my children enough about right and wrong that the wouldn't want to participate in breaking up a family or even marriage.[/quote]

Hopefully. But there is an awful lot of infidelity out there, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that even your children might make mistakes as adults. BTW, my father cheated on my mother many times and all three of us kids are happily married. It's not the end of the world.[/quote]

Glad you were able to compartmentalize away your mother's unhappiness and mistreatment.[/quote]

Not the PP.

My mother had an affair. My parents stayed married for several years post-affair, and ultimately divorced when I was a teenager. It was her idea. It affected our family life in many ways, some positive and some negative.

I do not believe that my mom was a bad mom as a result of her affair. I do not believe that I got flawed modeling about marriage from my parents. In fact, I think they were excellent models of what a bad marriage that should end looked like. They were unhappy for years. I found out about my mom's affair much later, when I was an adult, and looking back on the time when she was involved with the other man (who I do not remember ever meeting in any context), she was a great mom at that time. She threw wonderful birthday parties. She taught me to read. We did cool projects together. I never once felt like my mother was unavailable to me, as a result of her relationship with this man, my father, or anyone else. If anything, looking back now, I respect her right to have some aspects of her life that did not revolve around her children.

I know that many people have a different experience. I do not believe that I am "compartmentalizing" my fathers "unhappiness and mistreatment". I understand why my mother cheated, why she did not just get divorced right then and why she ended up divorcing later. I understand why my father feels bitter toward her and I also understand the ways in which he was complicit in the unhappiness in their marriage. It is not excusing a cheater to say that when marriages fail, it is not generally 100% the fault of anyone.

My childhood was not ruined as a result of my mother's affair, which she confessed to me about 20 years after the affair itself, nor was it ruined by the dissolution of my parents' marriage. I do not think there's anything wrong with married adults having lives that are separate from their children. Certainly there are parts of my life that my child is not involved in or a primary consideration for.  [/quote]

Your mother had a one-time affair and she chose to end the marriage. They dynamics are very different than than when a woman feels trapped in marriage with a repeat adulterer because she is financially dependent upon him (as many, many women were, and still are). [/quote]

Yes. She chose to end the married like 7 years later, due to being trapped in a marriage because she was financially dependent on my dad.

My point was that I do not believe that children in my situation, the OP's boyfriend's children's situation, or any other situation are necessarily, absolutely 100% going to have a fucked up miserable childhood as the result of their parents' relationship issues. Several posters lamenting the poor children were basically implying that the kids are guaranteed to be miserable. If these kids do not expect their dad to show up for things, expect him to just go on paying for things, and expect him to have a distant relationship with their mom but still generally be around, then it doesn't really matter what he's doing when he isn't there.

If that couple divorces, [b]I think less of the parent who burdens the children with this information.[/b] [/quote]

I completely disagree. Many times children find out without their parents telling them (I did). Some kids remain oblivious, others are just more intuitive and sensitive to this. For me, I could not accept how my father intentionally, for years, took away from his wife (my mother) and kids (us) so that he could have relationships with other women. The sheer amount of lying and deceit are just unfathomable. I was left wondering how could this man have a moral conscience? How could he deceive day after day? How could he sleep at night? Needless to say, I have barely any relationship with my father, for whom I have no respect. I feel terrible for my mother, who had to endure this. They are now divorced.[/quote]

[b]I don't understand what you're completely disagreeing with.[/b] My point was that the kids might be miserable and have a lifetime of crappy relationships (romantically and with their dad), or they might not. My personal feelings, based on my experience in my situation, was that it was not really my business what my mom was doing when she was having an affair. I did not feel, later, that she betrayed ME. My father? Sure, but his betrayal is not my betrayal. You clearly feel differently. That's fine, and I'm sorry that your dad was a jerk. My recollection of the 2.5 years or so that my mom was having an affair were that she was always there for me. Both of my parents had 1 night per week each when they went out alone to do whatever they wanted to do. My dad usually went to concerts (he was and remains a musician). At the time, my mom said she was going to a coffee shop. Later I learned that she was not alone during those times. Either way, it wasn't like she was supposed to be home with me and was elsewhere. They both had designated times when they did non-kid stuff and during the other times, they were both really great parents. They remain really great parents and grandparents.[/quote]

I am disagreeing with the point that the parent who burdens the children with information is more blame-worthy than the parent who actually cheats.[/quote]

I didn't say anything about anyone being more blame-worthy. A cheated on spouse loses integrity in my eyes if they bring the children into it. If a kid asks, I think it's perfectly acceptable to say something along the lines of "While Daddy/Mommy and I love you very much, we do not want to be married to each other anymore" and leave it at that.

Imagine that the OP's boyfriend's wife finds out about his activities tomorrow and demands divorce. What is to be gained by her telling her children, unsolicited or solicited, "Your dad has been paying a 24-year-old to have sex with him and that's why he hasn't been coming to your ballet class" or whatever? Nothing. That accomplishes nothing other than to make children feel LESS stable in an already unstable situation and is clearly a tactic to punish a cheating spouse. I just don't think it's right, and while I obviously am NOT saying that such a disclosure to the kids would justify the affair, I would think less of the wronged spouse who chose to punish their STBX that way.[/quote]

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