Blended Family - What to do about bedrooms

[Anonymous]

I think this fits best here, as my concern is about helping Fiance's kids feel like part of the family.

I am a widow with 1 child. Fiance is divorced with 2 children; one who lives locally and he has on Tues/Thurs/Alt weekends and another who he has for school breaks and 6 weeks of each summer. I recently bought a house that we are in the process of moving into. We have 3 bedrooms and a bonus room, with the 3rd bedroom currently not together.

I proposed:
Bedroom 1 - Master
Bedroom 2 - My child (lives with us full time as there is no other parent). Age 3.
Bedroom 3 - Shared between Fiance's 2 girls. Basically gives the local child her own room 75% of the year. Ages 7 and 11.
Bonus Room - Hang out spot for the kids

I want to give the kids the freedom to make the rooms their own and feel like they have a space that is theirs. We do have guests occasionally, but not typically when we have all 3 kids, so I could have my kid move into the shared room for those nights to create a guest room for a few days.

Fiance says his kids don't need their own rooms and we can make that bedroom a guest room that they stay in. My concern is that it sends the message that they don't belong. I don't want them feeling like they have to hide their things away and leave the room perfectly cleaned up between their days with us. I definitely don't want them looking at my kid's room and thinking their father and I care more about that kid than them. Fiance is one of those selfless people who sort of minimizes his needs, and I'm afraid he's trying to minimize his kid's needs. He grew up poor with a family of 8 living in 2-3 bedrooms and never had space of his own or even his own bed. I'm just trying to give all of our kids a place to call their own and make sure they feel like equal parts of this family.

Should I go ahead and order furniture to create a kid room (2 twin beds) or set it up as a standard guest room (queen bed)? Any words of wisdom from those who have succeeded in creating a blended family where everyone feels included?

[Anonymous]

Bunk beds. He’s selfish. You may need to reconsider or see how he treats your child,

[Anonymous]

Your plan sounds very reasonable.

I would give the step kids a little bit of choice with the decor, eg give a choice of two options that you researched and in your budget—could be things like bedspreads or curtains.

I would also have picture of them with their other parent framed and hung in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

You both are selfish. You should have waited till you married and together bought a large enough house to have the kids have their own room. You don't need a guest room. Get a full sized bed in your child's room and your child can sleep in your room or the play room when you have guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both are selfish. You should have waited till you married and together bought a large enough house to have the kids have their own room. You don't need a guest room. Get a full sized bed in your child's room and your child can sleep in your room or the play room when you have guests.

You do realize that not every child always gets their own room---right? It even happens when all children are the products of the same parents who are still married. Sometimes you just have to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are selfish. You should have waited till you married and together bought a large enough house to have the kids have their own room. You don't need a guest room. Get a full sized bed in your child's room and your child can sleep in your room or the play room when you have guests.

You do realize that not every child always gets their own room---right? It even happens when all children are the products of the same parents who are still married. Sometimes you just have to share.

Yes, but she is saying the kids aren't even going to get a bedroom and she'll get one queen for two kids and it will be a guest room. That is selfish.

Her kids get the smaller of the two rooms, two kids get the bigger room with two beds. She can get a full for her child's room and use that as a guest room. Or, skip the playroom and give each child a room. How serious is this relationship if they are engaged and cannot be married? They should wait till marriage to move in.

[Anonymous]

What do the kids think? 3 and 7 might actually enjoy sharing a room, while 11 might really want her own room. DH's kids should definitely not get stuck in a guest room, but as they get older I do think it could be an issue if the baby of the family always has her own room and the older kids never do. I understand that it makes sense for the kid who is always with you to have her own room, but you need to be really careful about signaling that your kid is treated differently (particularly with a Dad who at best seems out of touch and at worst seems uncaring).

[Anonymous]

I would put the 3 year old and the 7 year old in the same room with bunk beds. The 11 year old would get the guest room (twin beds) when she is there. They can all use the playroom. It just feels a little icky that the step-daughters are sharing a room while OP's daughter gets her own room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do the kids think? 3 and 7 might actually enjoy sharing a room, while 11 might really want her own room. DH's kids should definitely not get stuck in a guest room, but as they get older I do think it could be an issue if the baby of the family always has her own room and the older kids never do. I understand that it makes sense for the kid who is always with you to have her own room, but you need to be really careful about signaling that your kid is treated differently (particularly with a Dad who at best seems out of touch and at worst seems uncaring).

And to add, experts have identified the tween years as the most difficult stage at which to blend, so you really need to be ready to work hard with 11.

[Anonymous]

You're right. Get two twin beds for your fiance's kids, and a full/queen for your child's room--or one of those Ikea hemnes day beds that go from a twin to a king when pulled out. Your child can stay in your room on an air mattress when guests come.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not listen to these people. You’re proposal is 100% spot on. The kid who lives there full time gets the best and biggest room. The other two share for when they are there. The last is a play room. I say this as both a bio mom and step mom.

[Anonymous]

This is easy.

Master
Small kid.
Bigger kids shared. And yes, real beds and a real bedroom for them. They can negotiate something that suits your budget. Probably bunks.
Kids playroom.

You don't have the space to have guests at the moment. You have a 3 bedroom house and you have 3 children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is easy.

Master
Small kid.
Bigger kids shared. And yes, real beds and a real bedroom for them. They can negotiate something that suits your budget. Probably bunks.
Kids playroom.

You don't have the space to have guests at the moment. You have a 3 bedroom house and you have 3 children.

P.S. I'd make sure the small kid has the small room, which may be the bonus room. The bigger one should be the playroom.

[Anonymous]

Your kid and local kid definitely get their own rooms. Other kid can either share with the local kid when they’re with you. Or have a pullout couch in bonus room if they prefer that.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like DH's kids have different mothers since they have a different visitation schedule (unless the 11 year old is at boarding school)? What do they do now when they are with DH at the same time? Share or have their own room? And do they get along/like each other? They might not mind sharing a room if they are used to it.

As someone with divorced parents (and multiple step-siblings on both sides and who had to share a room every summer/school break until I was 18 with my brother when when we visited our dad's house), I would propose this:

-Two older girls share the bigger bedroom with twin beds (bunk beds are only fun until a point), they get to help say in decorating etc. and it's always "their" space. Invest in a nice queen size sofa couch or futon for the play room and use that as a guest room when folks visit. By letting the older girls have the bigger room you signal that you truly t think of them as part of the family (i.e., if all three were your own children, you would probably make the single take the smaller room if the two others had to share, so it should be the same here).

When I was a teen my dad wasn't remarried yet so this wasn't an issue (but, because we were only there in the summers/holidays, he only had a two bedroom condo). On my mom's side, my step siblings usually visited when we were at my dad's so they used our bedrooms while we were gone and we all bunked up together on the rare occasion we overlapped. I know my step-siblings never felt like it was "their" home-- having their own room or designated space, even if they had to share, would have made a huge difference.

Funny thing with my dad-- remarried when we and my stepmother's kids were grown/having our own kids. They moved into a place with 3 extra bedrooms (plenty of room to visit!) but you can tell it's my step-mom's "home"--- one of the extra rooms is an ensuite loft/very private and bigger than the rooms on the same floor as the master bedroom and they have to share a hall bath. They always put my brother or me in the ensuite room first . . . unless my stepsister is also coming to visit. Then you have to start in one of the smaller rooms or move from the ensuite room to a smaller room once she arrives!! Definitely makes us feel like we are truly "guests" of my stepmother and not part of the family.

Good luck, though, with DH-- as another poster pointed out it is very telling how he might treat your child given his lack of interest in his own children's well-being/adjustment to the new blended family. If this is his their marriage, you also know he either makes very poor choices or doesn't think much of marriage vows.