Blended Family - What to do about bedrooms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not listen to these people. You’re proposal is 100% spot on. The kid who lives there full time gets the best and biggest room. The other two share for when they are there. The last is a play room. I say this as both a bio mom and step mom.

His two kids sharing a room should get the bigger room.

[Anonymous]

If the kids don't have a room or their own beds and treated differently, they aren't wanted and will know it and stop coming.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

A few things to clarify about the house:
1. The 2 bedrooms are the same size and mirror images of one another.
2. We are going to try to have 1 more kid together (I say try due to age, we are not interested in fertility treatments) in the next year.
3. The 3 bedrooms are all nestled into one end of the house. The bonus room is literally as far away from the bedrooms as possible. I could see transitioning the oldest to the bonus room in a couple years.

The 7 and 11 year old love being together since the time apart makes it seem like a big sleepover for the time we have them both. I hadn't considered bunk beds because I don't want it to be a fight over who gets "stuck" with the top bunk, but that could be an option. I intend to let the girls loose to pick their own linens, art, decor and am happy to paint the room if they'd like.
The purpose in having a full/queen in the youngest's room is so that that is the child being displaced when someone stays with us. I'm not going to oust my step kids from their room for that. That pullout Hemnes daybed sounds like a potential solution so the beds are all the same size, and I will go ahead and look at pullout couches or something similar for the bonus room just to have an option.

Regarding the comments about my relationship and my fiancé being disconnected or uncaring, y'all are off base. He adores all 3 kids and is a great father. The way that he was raised has made it hard for him to trust that life doesn't always have to be a struggle and he does his best not to inconvenience anyone in anyway. I think that's why he struggles with the rooming situation. I did buy the house without him because he has not fully financially recovered from his divorce (credit score is bad, but is out of debt) and I make 3x what he does in addition to having the proceeds from my home sale after my DH died and an excellent credit score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like DH's kids have different mothers since they have a different visitation schedule (unless the 11 year old is at boarding school)? What do they do now when they are with DH at the same time? Share or have their own room? And do they get along/like each other? They might not mind sharing a room if they are used to it. Correct, different moms. The first was a girlfriend, the second is his ex-wife. The kids share a bed when he has them both together. They do get along and seem to genuinely enjoy being together. It's more of a best friend than siblings vibe.

As someone with divorced parents (and multiple step-siblings on both sides and who had to share a room every summer/school break until I was 18 with my brother when when we visited our dad's house), I would propose this:

-Two older girls share the bigger bedroom with twin beds (bunk beds are only fun until a point), they get to help say in decorating etc. and it's always "their" space. Invest in a nice queen size sofa couch or futon for the play room and use that as a guest room when folks visit. By letting the older girls have the bigger room you signal that you truly t think of them as part of the family (i.e., if all three were your own children, you would probably make the single take the smaller room if the two others had to share, so it should be the same here). I agree with all of this, although the bedrooms are the same size.

When I was a teen my dad wasn't remarried yet so this wasn't an issue (but, because we were only there in the summers/holidays, he only had a two bedroom condo). On my mom's side, my step siblings usually visited when we were at my dad's so they used our bedrooms while we were gone and we all bunked up together on the rare occasion we overlapped. I know my step-siblings never felt like it was "their" home-- having their own room or designated space, even if they had to share, would have made a huge difference. This is what I'd like to avoid. I want the kids to have their own space, their own dressers, etc so they have a place that is for them. My fiancé didn't ever have anything that was truly his growing up.

Funny thing with my dad-- remarried when we and my stepmother's kids were grown/having our own kids. They moved into a place with 3 extra bedrooms (plenty of room to visit!) but you can tell it's my step-mom's "home"--- one of the extra rooms is an ensuite loft/very private and bigger than the rooms on the same floor as the master bedroom and they have to share a hall bath. They always put my brother or me in the ensuite room first . . . unless my stepsister is also coming to visit. Then you have to start in one of the smaller rooms or move from the ensuite room to a smaller room once she arrives!! Definitely makes us feel like we are truly "guests" of my stepmother and not part of the family. I definitely want to limit the amount of musical bedrooms and any sense of hierarchy for the kids.

Good luck, though, with DH-- as another poster pointed out it is very telling how he might treat your child given his lack of interest in his own children's well-being/adjustment to the new blended family. If this is his their marriage, you also know he either makes very poor choices or doesn't think much of marriage vows. His childhood experience was just different than mine/most people on this board. He's a great father and absolutely cares about how the kids feel in all of this, just doesn't know how to get to the end goal. I know his ex-wife was less inclusive of the oldest and I think it may be a reaction to her strong position on what was and was not acceptable in relation to her. My approach is just being excited we have all these kids and trying to give everyone a place in our home.

OP here, responses bolded.

[Anonymous]

Op I agree with the plan- master, 100% child, stepchildren sharing a room and bonus room with pullout for guests (or 11 year old eventually).

I just wanted to say you sound like a great stepmom. I know everyone SHOULD treat their stepkids like their own but many don’t. Thanks for giving them a voice.

[Anonymous]

get a full or queen (or bunk with full on bottom) for 3 yr old, sleeper sofa (nice one) for play room which is where 3 yr old will sleep when guests are over, two twin or bunk (perhaps one with full on bottom) for older girls room, can be used as guest room when neither girl is there. If either girl is there, then 3 yr old gets booted from their room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

A few things to clarify about the house:
1. The 2 bedrooms are the same size and mirror images of one another.
2. We are going to try to have 1 more kid together (I say try due to age, we are not interested in fertility treatments) in the next year.
3. The 3 bedrooms are all nestled into one end of the house. The bonus room is literally as far away from the bedrooms as possible. I could see transitioning the oldest to the bonus room in a couple years.

The 7 and 11 year old love being together since the time apart makes it seem like a big sleepover for the time we have them both. I hadn't considered bunk beds because I don't want it to be a fight over who gets "stuck" with the top bunk, but that could be an option. I intend to let the girls loose to pick their own linens, art, decor and am happy to paint the room if they'd like.
The purpose in having a full/queen in the youngest's room is so that that is the child being displaced when someone stays with us. I'm not going to oust my step kids from their room for that. That pullout Hemnes daybed sounds like a potential solution so the beds are all the same size, and I will go ahead and look at pullout couches or something similar for the bonus room just to have an option.

Regarding the comments about my relationship and my fiancé being disconnected or uncaring, y'all are off base. He adores all 3 kids and is a great father. The way that he was raised has made it hard for him to trust that life doesn't always have to be a struggle and he does his best not to inconvenience anyone in anyway. I think that's why he struggles with the rooming situation. I did buy the house without him because he has not fully financially recovered from his divorce (credit score is bad, but is out of debt) and I make 3x what he does in addition to having the proceeds from my home sale after my DH died and an excellent credit score.

This entire situation makes no sense. Why are you having a child with a man you aren't married to and cannot afford another child? You shouldn't be moving in together until you are married except in a situation like you are getting benefits from your former husband and would lose them i you married.

Ok, here is another way. You take the bonus room if it is the biggest (add a bathroom if needed). Your child gets one room, girls get another bedroom with twin beds or bunk beds (don't get a day bed with a pull out as that child who has the pull out is always a visitor) and take the master/largest bedroom as a dual guest room and play room that later can be turned into another bedroom if needed. You can do a murphy bed for the playroom or sofa bed or just get a nice air mattress. Also, get your 3 year old a full sized bed that can be used as a guest room if necessary. The three year old can go on an air mattress in the play room or in your bedroom if needed.

It sounds like this was not a good house choice.

There is no question the girls should have a bedroom and each should have a bed, dresser, decorations some toys and clothing at your house. I would put the two girls together as they are older and the three year old, who sounds like a boy in his own room. Then when you have another child, if its a boy, the boys can share a room and if not the play room/guest room gets turned into a bedroom and you will not have a guest room like most people don't have. Guests are not the priority. The kids living in the house are. Those kids should get equal to your child.

We have an attic and keep an extra twin mattress and bed frame as well.

[Anonymous]

I think the “guest room” is definitely out. I might ask the 11 year old whether she wants her own room or to share with the 7 year old. If she wants her own, the 7 and 3 year olds share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

A few things to clarify about the house:
1. The 2 bedrooms are the same size and mirror images of one another.
2. We are going to try to have 1 more kid together (I say try due to age, we are not interested in fertility treatments) in the next year.
3. The 3 bedrooms are all nestled into one end of the house. The bonus room is literally as far away from the bedrooms as possible. I could see transitioning the oldest to the bonus room in a couple years.

The 7 and 11 year old love being together since the time apart makes it seem like a big sleepover for the time we have them both. I hadn't considered bunk beds because I don't want it to be a fight over who gets "stuck" with the top bunk, but that could be an option. I intend to let the girls loose to pick their own linens, art, decor and am happy to paint the room if they'd like.
The purpose in having a full/queen in the youngest's room is so that that is the child being displaced when someone stays with us. I'm not going to oust my step kids from their room for that. That pullout Hemnes daybed sounds like a potential solution so the beds are all the same size, and I will go ahead and look at pullout couches or something similar for the bonus room just to have an option.

Regarding the comments about my relationship and my fiancé being disconnected or uncaring, y'all are off base. He adores all 3 kids and is a great father. The way that he was raised has made it hard for him to trust that life doesn't always have to be a struggle and he does his best not to inconvenience anyone in anyway. I think that's why he struggles with the rooming situation. I did buy the house without him because he has not fully financially recovered from his divorce (credit score is bad, but is out of debt) and I make 3x what he does in addition to having the proceeds from my home sale after my DH died and an excellent credit score.

This entire situation makes no sense. Why are you having a child with a man you aren't married to and cannot afford another child? You shouldn't be moving in together until you are married except in a situation like you are getting benefits from your former husband and would lose them i you married.

Ok, here is another way. You take the bonus room if it is the biggest (add a bathroom if needed). Your child gets one room, girls get another bedroom with twin beds or bunk beds (don't get a day bed with a pull out as that child who has the pull out is always a visitor) and take the master/largest bedroom as a dual guest room and play room that later can be turned into another bedroom if needed. You can do a murphy bed for the playroom or sofa bed or just get a nice air mattress. Also, get your 3 year old a full sized bed that can be used as a guest room if necessary. The three year old can go on an air mattress in the play room or in your bedroom if needed.

It sounds like this was not a good house choice.

There is no question the girls should have a bedroom and each should have a bed, dresser, decorations some toys and clothing at your house. I would put the two girls together as they are older and the three year old, who sounds like a boy in his own room. Then when you have another child, if its a boy, the boys can share a room and if not the play room/guest room gets turned into a bedroom and you will not have a guest room like most people don't have. Guests are not the priority. The kids living in the house are. Those kids should get equal to your child.

We have an attic and keep an extra twin mattress and bed frame as well.

I think you struggle with comprehension.

Fiance = engaged to be married
Trying to have a kid = not pregnant yet
I make 3x what he does = we can afford another kid if we want one
Benefits from my late husband = not a factor because I've always been the breadwinner by far

Thanks for playing and sharing your crazy narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree with the plan- master, 100% child, stepchildren sharing a room and bonus room with pullout for guests (or 11 year old eventually).

I just wanted to say you sound like a great stepmom. I know everyone SHOULD treat their stepkids like their own but many don’t. Thanks for giving them a voice.

Thank you for saying that. Their dad is great and I'm looking forward to gaining a family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

A few things to clarify about the house:
1. The 2 bedrooms are the same size and mirror images of one another.
2. We are going to try to have 1 more kid together (I say try due to age, we are not interested in fertility treatments) in the next year.
3. The 3 bedrooms are all nestled into one end of the house. The bonus room is literally as far away from the bedrooms as possible. I could see transitioning the oldest to the bonus room in a couple years.

The 7 and 11 year old love being together since the time apart makes it seem like a big sleepover for the time we have them both. I hadn't considered bunk beds because I don't want it to be a fight over who gets "stuck" with the top bunk, but that could be an option. I intend to let the girls loose to pick their own linens, art, decor and am happy to paint the room if they'd like.
The purpose in having a full/queen in the youngest's room is so that that is the child being displaced when someone stays with us. I'm not going to oust my step kids from their room for that. That pullout Hemnes daybed sounds like a potential solution so the beds are all the same size, and I will go ahead and look at pullout couches or something similar for the bonus room just to have an option.

Regarding the comments about my relationship and my fiancé being disconnected or uncaring, y'all are off base. He adores all 3 kids and is a great father. The way that he was raised has made it hard for him to trust that life doesn't always have to be a struggle and he does his best not to inconvenience anyone in anyway. I think that's why he struggles with the rooming situation. I did buy the house without him because he has not fully financially recovered from his divorce (credit score is bad, but is out of debt) and I make 3x what he does in addition to having the proceeds from my home sale after my DH died and an excellent credit score.

This entire situation makes no sense. Why are you having a child with a man you aren't married to and cannot afford another child? You shouldn't be moving in together until you are married except in a situation like you are getting benefits from your former husband and would lose them i you married.

Ok, here is another way. You take the bonus room if it is the biggest (add a bathroom if needed). Your child gets one room, girls get another bedroom with twin beds or bunk beds (don't get a day bed with a pull out as that child who has the pull out is always a visitor) and take the master/largest bedroom as a dual guest room and play room that later can be turned into another bedroom if needed. You can do a murphy bed for the playroom or sofa bed or just get a nice air mattress. Also, get your 3 year old a full sized bed that can be used as a guest room if necessary. The three year old can go on an air mattress in the play room or in your bedroom if needed.

It sounds like this was not a good house choice.

There is no question the girls should have a bedroom and each should have a bed, dresser, decorations some toys and clothing at your house. I would put the two girls together as they are older and the three year old, who sounds like a boy in his own room. Then when you have another child, if its a boy, the boys can share a room and if not the play room/guest room gets turned into a bedroom and you will not have a guest room like most people don't have. Guests are not the priority. The kids living in the house are. Those kids should get equal to your child.

We have an attic and keep an extra twin mattress and bed frame as well.

I think you struggle with comprehension.

Fiance = engaged to be married
Trying to have a kid = not pregnant yet
I make 3x what he does = we can afford another kid if we want one
Benefits from my late husband = not a factor because I've always been the breadwinner by far

Thanks for playing and sharing your crazy narrative.

Fiancé means nothing... you are not a stepmom to these kids yet. You struggle with comprehension as you shouldn't move these kids or your fiancé (i.e. boyfriend) in until married. He's had two kids with two prior women and from what you say has a hot mess. There is no we can afford, you can afford another child.

There are lots of solutions but you pretending to be stepmom when if you were actually a stepmom buying a house for 4 kids you would have thought this out better. Those kids deserve a bedroom with beds, dressers and stuff.

You are trying to have a kid which means in the next year there is a possibility of a 4th and you need to plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree with the plan- master, 100% child, stepchildren sharing a room and bonus room with pullout for guests (or 11 year old eventually).

I just wanted to say you sound like a great stepmom. I know everyone SHOULD treat their stepkids like their own but many don’t. Thanks for giving them a voice.

Thank you for saying that. Their dad is great and I'm looking forward to gaining a family members.

She is engaged and not a stepmom yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the “guest room” is definitely out. I might ask the 11 year old whether she wants her own room or to share with the 7 year old. If she wants her own, the 7 and 3 year olds share.

If the 7 and 3 year old are the same gender that's fine but if not, no.

They will eventually have 4 kids. They don't have the luxury of a guest room.

[Anonymous]

I'd think long and hard before having a child with a man with terrible credit and terrible earning power. He already has two baby mamas.

Kids love bunks and I've never ever heard one complain about being "stuck" with the top--always fighting over who GETS the top.

Maybe captains beds--raised beds with drawers underneath would be a good option to save floor space. Sounds like the rooms are kind of small?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd think long and hard before having a child with a man with terrible credit and terrible earning power. He already has two baby mamas.

Honestly, this. I’m sorry, OP, but you are punching way below your weight class. You deserve better.