Blended Family - What to do about bedrooms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd think long and hard before having a child with a man with terrible credit and terrible earning power. He already has two baby mamas.

Honestly, this. I’m sorry, OP, but you are punching way below your weight class. You deserve better.

Totally! OMG OP don’t get married or have another kid with this guy, that’d be insane. I get that you are probably lonely and want another kid, but, this isn’t it. Of course he wants to marry you, you are willing to support him! Please stop ignoring the red flags and please stop trying to justify his disinterest in the kids he already has with talking about his childhood. This isn’t going to end well for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. Get two twin beds for your fiance's kids, and a full/queen for your child's room--or one of those Ikea hemnes day beds that go from a twin to a king when pulled out. Your child can stay in your room on an air mattress when guests come.

Np. I know this is a minor thing but twins means two so you either say get twin beds or get two beds BUT you dont say get two twin beds unless you mean four.

One of my pet peeves. I'm typing on a small phone so I know my punctuation isnt the best.

Did you really take the time to write this -- when it's patently wrong?

Twin is the size of the bed, not the number. Or do you really believe you have to have two of them?

Lol seriously! One of her pet peeves!

[Anonymous]

I commented early in the thread but now change my vote. You can’t make the girls share when they aren’t even siblings. They may get along now but that may change at any time. And you certainly can’t have a guest room!! Cancel the guest furniture. Your child should have kids furniture. Your brother can crash on the living room floor if he absolutely must visit in this house where he won’t fit. And for the love of god don’t have another kid with a loser. It’s not going to end well. And can you imagine four kids where not even two of them are actual siblings. Holy moly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. Get two twin beds for your fiance's kids, and a full/queen for your child's room--or one of those Ikea hemnes day beds that go from a twin to a king when pulled out. Your child can stay in your room on an air mattress when guests come.

Np. I know this is a minor thing but twins means two so you either say get twin beds or get two beds BUT you dont say get two twin beds unless you mean four.

One of my pet peeves. I'm typing on a small phone so I know my punctuation isnt the best.

Did you really take the time to write this -- when it's patently wrong?

Twin is the size of the bed, not the number. Or do you really believe you have to have two of them?

Lol seriously! One of her pet peeves!

Someone who has clearly never shopped for sheets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right. Get two twin beds for your fiance's kids, and a full/queen for your child's room--or one of those Ikea hemnes day beds that go from a twin to a king when pulled out. Your child can stay in your room on an air mattress when guests come.

Np. I know this is a minor thing but twins means two so you either say get twin beds or get two beds BUT you dont say get two twin beds unless you mean four.

One of my pet peeves. I'm typing on a small phone so I know my punctuation isnt the best.

I'm guessing you're new to the States. I was confused too, at first. Here in America, "twin" means "single". So a twin bed is what kids sleep in. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's just what it is called here.

And a double bed is called "full" here. The queen and king sizes are basically the same.

[Anonymous]

I'd get a twin over full (or full over full) bunk bed for the kids' room. It sounds like sometimes they like to share a bed, and that way they'll have the option, or can sleep separately, and if you have guests on a night when neither of them is there, you've got a bed for adult guests without moving the little one. Plus the one who is local can have a friend spend the night.

If the local kid is the 11 year old, I'd let her decorate the room however she wants. If the 7 year old is the local one, then I'd have the work together to decorate the room. I agree that 11 is going to be a harder age to integrate into the new set up, so I'd put more effort there. In neither case would I decorate in a guest room style.

I'd get a full sized bed for the little one, so if there are guests when one of the step sisters are there, he/she can move in with them, or in with mom and step dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’ve received some good advice here regarding whether you really want to procreate with this man. I get it, you probably think the pickins are slim as a single mom. But you need to get a solid prenup in place to protect your own offspring. You can make a new family with this man, but the odds are very high that this will end in divorce.

As for furniture, your kid who is with you full time gets her own room. Too much potential for conflict if you make her share with a step sibling who is only there occasionally. Put the step kids in a room with something like this: https://www.pbteen.com/m/products/store-it-corner-bed-media-hutch-set-2/?cm_cat=Google&sku=8606341&catalogId=21&cm_ite=8606341&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIiPKS2cmp6QIVVODICh3nqgiCEAQYAiABEgLin_D_BwE&cm_ven=PLA&cm_pla=Furniture%20%3e%20Beds%20%26%20Headboards

For the bonus room, put in a Queen futon with a quality innerspring mattress. It can serve as a couch and your primary guest space.


If you end up needing a nursery, you’ll have to think long and hard about what goes. Maybe the baby shacks up with you until it’s old enough to move in with your daughter. No great options with 4 kids in a 3 bedroom.

OP here. My finances are protected, but I understand everyone's concern.

It's funny, when a woman is financially unstable following a divorce, people give her a pass. When a man is, he's a deadbeat. In this case, I watched him pay down over $25k of debt (while still making on time and in full child support payments) since we met. His credit has improved, but there's a big difference between mid-600s and over 800 when it comes to interest rates. If/when I refinance down the line, I'll reassess where his credit score is and if we want to include him on the loan. He also didn't just walk away from his past relationships. The relationship that produced his oldest had ended and they had moved to different states before he found out she was pregnant, and his marriage ended when his wife cheated on him with 3 people, admitted to one, then was caught hiding the two others. I'm sure he contributed to the demise of the relationships over their lifetime, but not every situation is a man just getting bored and moving on.

For people stating I'm lonely or worried about my dating pool, I'm not. I was 2 months pregnant when my husband died. I've had a lot of family members in and out of the house over the past 3 years to help when they can and I've been able to have an occasional social life. I was friends with my fiance for the first 14 months I knew him (and went on a few dates with men that y'all probably think are better matches), then we had a few dates over a couple months before agreeing to be exclusive. The thing about him that wasn't there with the others is that he didn't try to rush my grief along. Even now, years later, if I'm having a hard day with missing my late husband, he does his best to help me through.

Now back to the rooms. Thinking about this as logically as possible, I broke down the time we have each kid over the course of the year:
3yo - 100%
7yo - 50%
11yo - 20%
During the time that we have both the 7 and 11yo, the 7yo still stays with her mom on her usual schedule which could also mean they wouldn't see each other during a holiday week depending on what the youngest's mom wants to do. That also means that bedroom will only have 2 children in it at most 10% of the year. I like the corner twin bed idea posted above and think we could keep one bed set up as a bed and the other could have lots of pillows to make it more like a couch when the oldest isn't with us.

I appreciate the suggestion for the pullout in the bonus room. I'd also like to clarify that I never said I wanted a playroom for my child. The idea of a hangout room was really for the older 2 so they'd have a place for art things, music, games, general hiding out when we have friends over.

Thanks for everyone's input. As always, it's been a fun ride here on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commented early in the thread but now change my vote. You can’t make the girls share when they aren’t even siblings. They may get along now but that may change at any time. And you certainly can’t have a guest room!! Cancel the guest furniture. Your child should have kids furniture. Your brother can crash on the living room floor if he absolutely must visit in this house where he won’t fit. And for the love of god don’t have another kid with a loser. It’s not going to end well. And can you imagine four kids where not even two of them are actual siblings. Holy moly.

Crawl back in your hole and stop projecting.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has always appreciated her dad and stepmom giving her a dedicated room, though she was only there every other weekend. It’s being able to having something permanent, even if she’s sharing. Thank you for pushing through to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Something isn’t right here, op.
If you wanted dedicated guest space, to the point that you bought guest furniture before you bought kids’ furniture, why did you buy a 3 bedroom house?

There is nothing wrong with buying a 3 bedroom house, nothing wrong with wanting guest space, nothing wrong with wanting 4 kids, you just can’t make all that happen in a 3 bedroom house. It’s like wanting to live on the ocean and then buying a house in the desert and then asking us what you should do about the ocean.

Make sure that you haven’t gotten involved with friends and family who are using “helping” as a means to get free accomidations. You will be a married lady soon, and your friends and family need to know that your husband is the priority, physically, emoitonally, comfort, everything.

Likewise, make sure that your husband really is a good guy. I’m skeptical mostly because you keep justifying it, and because I’m skeptical of men who have ended two relationships where young children are involved. Maybe he had to end his marriage, but why couldn’t he have worked things out with the girlfriend? The odds of two women not wanting a relationship with him after they have his child troubles me. Don’t be dazzled by his ability to pay bills, unless you literally see the money path, you don’t know where his money has gone. What you do know is that he is living with you in a house that you own at your pleasure. Most men aren’t ok with this, and yes, men and women view the world very differently. What this means is that he has no responsibility for upkeep or bills. Don’t be surprised when he treats your house as casually as he treats his children… children that he has legal and moral rights to which is something he doesn’t have with your house.

Finally, make sure that you are healthy enough for a marriage, and that his allowing you to grieve is truly what he is doing. I’m not convinced that your previous boyfriends were “rushing your grief. You were putting yourself out there, presenting as their girlfriend, and they wanted/needed to know about the state of your emotional health and what a long term relationship with you would look like on a very literal day to day basis. There is nothing wrong with that. Remember you were at least in theory wanting a loving healthy romantic relationship, one that has different rules then a friendship.

I have a few friends who have lost mutual children, and they all say it is miserable to be married to someone who cannot or will not enjoy your love, company and sharing a life together. Society doesn’t like it when a guy or gal goes out with someone other then their spouse, and this is even more true if that spouse is grieving. There are only so many friends you can call up on a moment’s notice and say “Jane wouldn’t get out of bed today and I was so looking forward to going to the baseball game… and oh by the way, let’s hold hands while we’re there Bill”.

If your fiance is too understanding about your grief, I’d wonder why. I’d wonder if he was just looking for someone to support him and literally provide a roof over his head, or if he had other women. It’s easy to be supportive when your emotional, physical and finantial needs are being met.

[Anonymous]

I really think people need to lay off of OP. I'm pretty skeptical about second marriages and blending kids. But I don't see the red flags here.

The fact that she earns 3x what he does doesn't necessarily mean he is on skid row. It could mean she does very well. Maybe he's a K-12 teacher in a private school ($45k) and she's a nurse in a specialty who works lots of overtime ($175k). I know plenty of solid, upstanding people who have experienced credit issues post-divorce.

A 4-bedroom house is not normal for anybody, regardless of the size of one's family. And if OP lives in DC or a close-in suburb, a house with 4 bedrooms here costs more than most normal people can afford.

Fiance's view that kids can share a room is typical for a working class person. I shared a room with my sister and my younger siblings shared a room in our 3-bedroom house growing up. Nothing crazy or weird about that. I now have a large house and can't understand why my only child is stuck inside his room all by himself now for hours at a time. I don't know why you'd want to be alone in your room if you have family around. I know this isn't the usual way UMC people here do things, but whatever.

The last thing a couple that has decided they don't want to be together should do is get married when they find out there's a pregnancy. So, I give him a pass on that. Sometimes your spouse literally screws up by having an affair and doesn't want to reconcile. The victim in such a situation gets a free pass, IMO.

We have no indication that this man "needs" her money and is just using her as a sugar mama.

As for bedrooms, my only advice is to do what OP's suggesting and make the guest room the one that her bio child sleeps in. The kids who cycle in and out should ideally be able to come and go and have everything just as they left it. Otherwise, it would feel like they're guests and not at home.

As for having another child, my advice is to wait for at least 3 years after the wedding before you introduce this highly stressful thing into the family environment. Let everyone get settled in before starting that process.

I do worry about how you'll handle things like paying for college in ways that won't seem unfair. Not sure how people handle this. I have an extended family member who has kids from 3 different men and just married another man who has a kid of his own who is college aged. Her kids didn't go to college and one had to join the military. I would feel awful if my child had to risk his life to make a living while my husband paid for his daughter's sorority fees and outfits. And how about when it's time for the kids to buy a house? Maybe OP has set aside money to help her kid with a down payment, but fiance probably won't have a pot of money to provide that for his kids.

[Anonymous]

OP has got to be the most gracious and patient person ever to post on this site. She came here asking for advice on how to set up her house and left with advice that she should cancel her wedding and leave her fiancee. This is crazytown even for DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has got to be the most gracious and patient person ever to post on this site. She came here asking for advice on how to set up her house and left with advice that she should cancel her wedding and leave her fiancee. This is crazytown even for DCUM!

I completely disagree. When there is an elephant stomping all over the room it has to be addressed.

It's like asking, "Hey, should I wear stillettos to drive a car across country?" And many people tell her how to, all the while ignoring the statistical fact she'll have a good chance of crashing.

Step Life is VERY hard, even in the best of circumstances with all things being equal. OP is already looking at an unbalanced relationship with a guy who seems very content to have her carry the financial burdens for him and his offspring.

[Anonymous]

Each girl gets her own bedroom. Put a queen bed in the 11 year old’s room, and that can function as a guest room as needed.

But agree with everyone that there are red flags waving around all over the place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has got to be the most gracious and patient person ever to post on this site. She came here asking for advice on how to set up her house and left with advice that she should cancel her wedding and leave her fiancee. This is crazytown even for DCUM!

Don’t forget the posts from 1955 about how she shouldn’t be sharing a space with him until they’re married!

Always a good time, DCUM.