Elder care issue-please be kind

[Anonymous]

My mom is in a memory care facility. She has physical issues and mild cognitive impairment. She is there because my dad forced this. I have young kids and no band with to fight. My brother works for dad and goes along with this plan. We have not been able to see mom due to Covid rules and I understand esp since several residents have been sick with this and have died. Mom does not have phone in room. Prior to Covid she would use facility phone and also FaceTime with a computer assisted by a nurse on their laptop. She didn’t want cell phone (Too confusing) and Dad said too difficult to have phone in room. I think he is worried she will call too much. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I have not been able to talk to mom and I have told brother that this has to change and he and dad say no. I said she needs to have communication and they say no that with Covid it is too dangerous. Is anyone else with a parent who has cognitive decline not talking to them in memory care? Advise?

[Anonymous]

There are simple cell phones meant specifically for seniors. Would this work?https://www.phonearena.com/news/7-cell-phones-designed-for-seniors-and-the-elderly_id64671

[Anonymous]

Thank you. I have brought her up seniors phones and they say no as they worry she won’t be able to work it and then a nurse may touch it and she could get Covid. Also said
Phone company cannot come in rooms so no phone in room. There answer is to wait until pandemic over and that could be a year with someone who is in mental decline. I am
Heartbroken. I live far so can only manage to stand outside room once a month. Is this normal to anyone in terms
of phone? I said I am sure other people are talking to
their parents and facilities have a Process to wipe iPads etc?

[Anonymous]

Get one of those portals or Echos with a screen. The.n you can drop in on mom any time....

[Anonymous]

Call the facility and get in touch with the social worker. Your dad and brother are (perhaps unintentionally, I won’t assume t bad intent automatically) isolating and emotionally abusing your mom. Give your dad one more shot to do the right thing then go over his head. This is your mother!

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to the facility? Most of the facilities are facilitating calls with a tablet. I believe the facility owns the tablet and wipes it down prior to each use.

[Anonymous]

Also, sorry your dad is likely a POS. I imagine this isn’t out of nowhere and you’ve been dealing with it your whole life. When your mom passes I suggest you cut him and your brother to the wind.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to facility directly and ask them procedures to call/facetime Mom. I'd keep Dad and brother out of your discussions.

[Anonymous]

If you want your mom to have a phone, can’t you call and get one installed and pay for it? My grandma has an iPad she FaceTimes us on from her memory care. She can’t work it on her own, but the nurse helps set it up and then she does the rest.

[Anonymous]

Definitely call the facility.

And without knowing the details, caring for a person with cognitive decline and mobility issues is really hard. If your mom can't manage a cell phone, it's not that mild. If your dad is still working, your mom probably required either home health aides most of the time at home or a live-in facility.

[Anonymous]

This is really hard, OP. My dad just died of Covid in a nursing home. He had dementia. He also could not use a phone in the last month - he pulled the cord out of the wall trying to “fix” it, forgot how to answer it, etc. In the month before he lost the ability to use the phone he called my mother and I dozens of times a day to accuse my poor, faithful mom of running off with another man and abandoning him. It was pure, unmitigated torture. So I do have some sympathy for your dad in not thinking a phone is possible for your mom - maybe there is other stuff. That said, you and your mom need contact with each other! The nurses at my dad’s place had a iPad they used to FaceTime with families. The activities director managed the program, and you called her up and got on the list and they gave you a time slot. Before that organized program nurses and aids were using their own phones to help. The week my dad died, with multiple covid cases, they did get so overwhelmed that it was hard to get a FaceTime slot. But they tried. Peace be with you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Thank you again for people who have replied. I a
upset. My dad says I am not allowed to talk to facility as he doesn’t want mixed messages. I think I may call and ask “generally” what is best practice for communication during a pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear this op. I was just talking about similar with a friend. Where I am, one of those facilities is allowing one visitor at a time for small periods of time only, on a schedule, every 10-15 days (depending on how many get scheduled). But the patients with dementia are not able to remember their kids and such if they go more than a few days not seeing them, and also seem to get worse never leaving the room/building.

I would phone the facility too and hopefully they can help you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear this op. I was just talking about similar with a friend. Where I am, one of those facilities is allowing one visitor at a time for small periods of time only, on a schedule, every 10-15 days (depending on how many get scheduled). But the patients with dementia are not able to remember their kids and such if they go more than a few days not seeing them, and also seem to get worse never leaving the room/building.

I would phone the facility too and hopefully they can help you out.

Just read your update - this is YOUR mom too, ignore your dad and ask the facility for what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to facility directly and ask them procedures to call/facetime Mom. I'd keep Dad and brother out of your discussions.

This.