Elder care issue-please be kind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should clarify. I used to talk and FaceTime with mom daily. After the shutdowns a number of residents in her facility had Covid. Mom has tested negative. My dad told me moving forward he didn’t want mom on phone as it could be a source if infection. My brother agreed with dad. I keep asking when I would be allowed to Call and they have put it off. Today I flat out asked when and was told until Covid goes away. This could be a year. I said this is wrong and that is when I was
told if I forced this and if mom got Covid then I would be sued for interfering. So yes I could push this but I worry if mom does get Covid then I would be sued or at a minimum blames for her death. This is why I originally asked if anyone else was dealing with something like this and was not talking to family in memory care due to Covid.

No one is going to sue you for interfering. Call the nursing home and ask a nurse to let you speak to her. Ignore them. Who is going to sue you and reality is she is going to be exposed in group care. You can talk on the phone or video and it sounds like there is more to this story. Are you Dad and brother speaking to her? You don't need to ask them when you can call. You call. Stop making a drama about it.

[Anonymous]

I would think that if there is Covid in the facility having a nurse take her the phone, have her leave her room, touch everything... would be extremely irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is sounding trolly to me now. You’re just giving up and going to send greeting cards?! WTF. don’t waste our time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if there is Covid in the facility having a nurse take her the phone, have her leave her room, touch everything... would be extremely irresponsible.

They can wipe off the phone and bring one to her or work something out. The biggest risk is the staff not changing PPE's in-between every resident and bring it room to room or the cleaning staff using the same mop water and cleaning supplies. Reality is she will most likely get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think that if there is Covid in the facility having a nurse take her the phone, have her leave her room, touch everything... would be extremely irresponsible.

They can wipe off the phone and bring one to her or work something out. The biggest risk is the staff not changing PPE's in-between every resident and bring it room to room or the cleaning staff using the same mop water and cleaning supplies. Reality is she will most likely get it.

Or, they can use a speaker phone, no contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most memory cares will set up a zoom or FaceTime. We have a family coordinator at ours who sets up the call and assists the residents in interacting.

OP, the above is what I would do. DH and I are dealing with the same thing as you with my mother-in-law. Although, my father-in-law passed away many years ago. My mother-in-law lives in an assisted living. She has mobility issues and now pretty bad dementia. She can barely remember how to use the phone in her room, and often loses it… On a daily and or hourly basis at this point. Introducing new technology, even if it’s “senior friendly“ is a really bad idea. She doesn’t understand how to use it. She needs constant help with it. She gets extremely frustrated and angry about it. Often she ends up crying over it. It’s really really horrible to witness for us i’m sure devastating for her to feel that way. Her facility has set it up so that you can schedule a zoom calls up to twice a week. It is so much easier for her and for us. She is extremely happy to see us on the screen and talk to her son. It has been a lifesaver during this time for her. That is honestly the route I would take at this point. Added plus, you do not have to include/involve your father or brother in that process at all.

[Anonymous]

Are people with severe dementia really capable of understanding what Facetime is? Do they interact when you talk to them or are they too out of it to know what is going on?

I ask because my dad passed away from Alzheimer's and in the later stages I just don't see how he could have communicated via Facetime. He usually didn't know who I was when I was there with him in person. On a screen? No way.

[Anonymous]

You can call the ombudsman for the elderly in your county and ask for help. You can call the facility and ask to talk to the social worker and perhaps she can initiate a FaceTime call. You should write to her and send pictures if you can, so she gets a visual. I’m very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call the facility and get in touch with the social worker. Your dad and brother are (perhaps unintentionally, I won’t assume t bad intent automatically) isolating and emotionally abusing your mom. Give your dad one more shot to do the right thing then go over his head. This is your mother!

I think this is the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry about your dad. Truly. I am going to keep trying. I just left a message asking that they rethink the cell phone. I am thinking of getting a throw away one and sending one each week so if it is lost then not a big deal.

JHC woman! You are embarrassing me by being of the same gender as me! Call the facility and stop acting like a 4 year old. I do not understand you at all. Stop asking permission from the men in your life!

Needless cruelty to someone asking for help is not the greatest way to proclaim your gender-pride.

DCUM seems to specialize in needless cruelty. Unfortunately, forums can be a magnet for some that have personality disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you again for people who have replied. I a
upset. My dad says I am not allowed to talk to facility as he doesn’t want mixed messages. I think I may call and ask “generally” what is best practice for communication during a pandemic.

That one I think you should just ignore, and I’m the one who urged some sympathy for your dad. Call and ask them to help you talk to your mom. Don’t beat around the bush about it.

Agreed with all but sympathy for Dad. His behavior doesn't warrant sympathy - just acknowledgement. OP, call up, identify yourself, say you miss your Mom and want to know how you can communicate with her. The CDC just put out a notice that catching Covid from inanimate objects is rare: "In general, because of poor survivability of these coronaviruses on surfaces, there is likely very low risk of spread from food products or packaging." And consider that the facilities wipe down the communication portals between patients - between that and the CDC's statement, catching Covid this way is a non-issue. And they couldn't prove it anyway, what with the vents, plumbing, caregivers, etc. No judge/jury would waste their time with this.

Every time you get afraid, ask yourself why if your father and brother are so concerned, why they don't pull her from the facility and care for her at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. My dad has told the facility that mom does not have permission to use phone due to Covid. I think a poster had it correct in asking do I have the fight in me to
Petition court. I don’t think so. Financially I don’t have it and emotionally I do not have it. I am so sad it has come to
This. Mom is a Full day drive since planes are out right now.
I think I am going to send mom cards where you record your voice for now and hope my dad and brother change their mind. Thank you all for kind words of wisdom. The more I thought about it the more I know I have to focus on my kids and not allow drama that I cannot change.

That's absurd. You do need to be on a caller list for some facilities but your Dad can add you. Call the facility yourself and ask if you can speak to your mom. How hard is that?

Sigh. Her dad WON'T ADD HER. Why are you blaming OP for that? OP, you are correct. Focus right now on what you can - your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

So glad to read you are taking care of yourself. Just remember your guilt might not end but you will be able to keep it under control. Breathe deep , talk a walk and smile a bunch!! Hope you mom is doing well in the elder care

[Anonymous]

I would enjoy telling my dad how much I was learning about logistics for someone in care facilities and how I would be all set when his turn comes and he needed to be denied communication!