Elder care issue-please be kind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry about your dad. Truly. I am going to keep trying. I just left a message asking that they rethink the cell phone. I am thinking of getting a throw away one and sending one each week so if it is lost then not a big deal.

JHC woman! You are embarrassing me by being of the same gender as me! Call the facility and stop acting like a 4 year old. I do not understand you at all. Stop asking permission from the men in your life!

Needless cruelty to someone asking for help is not the greatest way to proclaim your gender-pride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you again for people who have replied. I a
upset. My dad says I am not allowed to talk to facility as he doesn’t want mixed messages. I think I may call and ask “generally” what is best practice for communication during a pandemic.

That one I think you should just ignore, and I’m the one who urged some sympathy for your dad. Call and ask them to help you talk to your mom. Don’t beat around the bush about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you again for people who have replied. I a
upset. My dad says I am not allowed to talk to facility as he doesn’t want mixed messages. I think I may call and ask “generally” what is best practice for communication during a pandemic.

This sounds like a good plan to ask "generally."

I’m chiming in to agree with this. You can also ask about their policies in general for holidays - and for family members. I.e., is there a way for friends and family members to send meaningful gifts, for example, for Mother’s Day? I’m sure there are restrictions in general and with covid, but I’m also sure that you won’t be the first person to ask about ways to support and maintain connections with a parent. Years ago I recorded CDs for my Mom with some of her favorite songs and my voice reading things. There may be safe things that you can do within the facility’s guidelines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. I have brought her up seniors phones and they say no as they worry she won’t be able to work it and then a nurse may touch it and she could get Covid. Also said
Phone company cannot come in rooms so no phone in room. There answer is to wait until pandemic over and that could be a year with someone who is in mental decline. I am
Heartbroken. I live far so can only manage to stand outside room once a month. Is this normal to anyone in terms
of phone? I said I am sure other people are talking to
their parents and facilities have a Process to wipe iPads etc?

In my facility they have a designated person on each unit to facilitate FaceTime. They disinfect after each use.

[Anonymous]

Well got off phone with my brother. He said if I pushed this ie to have my mom in FaceTime etc that he would sue me for interfering if she got Covid. Nice. I tried to say she could get Covid by being there and he was insistent her death would be my fault and he would sue. Great family huh?? I now see why people give up. My mom should have divorced my dad long ago and also not put her faith in my idiot brother. He thinks this solitary confinement is okay. She is in a room 24 hours a day and can still walk just slow.

[Anonymous]

My MIL could not use a phone due to memory issues. Call the nurses station and see if they will let you talk to her. Caring for someone with that kind of decline is very difficult. If you cannot take care of your mom don't make your dad feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well got off phone with my brother. He said if I pushed this ie to have my mom in FaceTime etc that he would sue me for interfering if she got Covid. Nice. I tried to say she could get Covid by being there and he was insistent her death would be my fault and he would sue. Great family huh?? I now see why people give up. My mom should have divorced my dad long ago and also not put her faith in my idiot brother. He thinks this solitary confinement is okay. She is in a room 24 hours a day and can still walk just slow.

Step up and take care of her or stop complaining. You can get her an iPad, set it up and ship it to the facility and ask a nurse to help her. Or, call the nurses station.

[Anonymous]

Does she ever leave the facility to go to doctors appointments, can she never go outside?

This whole situation sounds just so sad. Someone with mild cognitive issues and relatively minor physical issues should have the ability to meet with family members outside the facility.

[Anonymous]

You do understand you cannot be sued, right?

Your father and brother seem very rigid and extreme (Asperger’s?). I totally understand they are afraid of contamination, however the phone use is just one out of so many possible contaminations in a nursing home that I’m not sure that particular risk is worth her sadness at not being feted that day... unless she’s so far gone she won’t really realize it? .

What if you could phone the nurse and relay your wishes? No phone-touching involved, but certainly not as therapeutic as hearing your voice, but better than nothing.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a window in her room? I saw how at one facility they did a car parade on Easter where family members decorated their cars with messages and drove slowly past the facility - the residents stood on their balconies or at their windows to watch and wave. It was really sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are now gone, but having dealt with memory care, I can tell you that giving a patient a cell phone or tablet wouldn't have been a great idea - too easy for it to get lost or damaged. Call the facility, ask for the unit or sub-unit nursing station, and they can facilitate a phone call or Facetime. All of these types of facilities are under pretty heavy restrictions - I know it's painful, but unfortunately given how rampant and deadly COVID has been among nursing and AL facilities, I don't think there's really any other option.

Gently OP, you sound like you don't fully appreciate the difficulty of caring for someone with dementia and "physical issues." A good memory care unit can provide better care than another elderly person can do on their own. If your mom is confused by a phone and has physical impairments as well, she probably needs help showering and toileting at times.

Everything from my relatives memory care floor gets stolen. Usually by residents who have cognitive decline and don’t realize. Or they like stealing now but it wasn’t something they did before dementia. My aunt bought my relative new shoes. They were expensive, custom shoes because her feet are hard to fit. They were stolen the first day. My aunt went around and found them on another womans feet and had them taken back.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop asking permission. Depriving a nursing home resident of social contact is abuse. As a PP noted, it’s the facility’s job to figure out how to make this happen, but they may need some help because they’ve already allowed your father to have your mother held incommunicado.

As for your brother’s threat to sue, if he’s not a lawyer, good luck to him finding one, and good luck finding and paying for an expert, and good luck proving up a case that one particular object in an entire facility was the proximate cause of infection. He really seems toxic and/or afraid of your father.

It is very sad that you have to deal with this situation, especially with these people and under present circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Stop asking for permission. This is your mother. Call the facility and work out how to safely communicate with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not clear on something -- is there anything you have been given legal notice of to prevent you from talking to the facility, like an order of protection, or something? Anything at all, other than your dad and brother saying they don't want you too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are now gone, but having dealt with memory care, I can tell you that giving a patient a cell phone or tablet wouldn't have been a great idea - too easy for it to get lost or damaged. Call the facility, ask for the unit or sub-unit nursing station, and they can facilitate a phone call or Facetime. All of these types of facilities are under pretty heavy restrictions - I know it's painful, but unfortunately given how rampant and deadly COVID has been among nursing and AL facilities, I don't think there's really any other option.

Gently OP, you sound like you don't fully appreciate the difficulty of caring for someone with dementia and "physical issues." A good memory care unit can provide better care than another elderly person can do on their own. If your mom is confused by a phone and has physical impairments as well, she probably needs help showering and toileting at times.

Everything from my relatives memory care floor gets stolen. Usually by residents who have cognitive decline and don’t realize. Or they like stealing now but it wasn’t something they did before dementia. My aunt bought my relative new shoes. They were expensive, custom shoes because her feet are hard to fit. They were stolen the first day. My aunt went around and found them on another womans feet and had them taken back.

Normal as they don't monitor the residents constantly nor care. We went through tons of clothing and other stuff.