Elder care issue-please be kind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you again for people who have replied. I a
upset. My dad says I am not allowed to talk to facility as he doesn’t want mixed messages. I think I may call and ask “generally” what is best practice for communication during a pandemic.

This sounds like a good plan to ask "generally."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, sorry your dad is likely a POS. I imagine this isn’t out of nowhere and you’ve been dealing with it your whole life. When your mom passes I suggest you cut him and your brother to the wind.

I think you are right. This has been a long issue. This is so upsetting I feel like just trying to forget it all but my mom is a nice person. I imagine she is scared and wondering what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you again for people who have replied. I a
upset. My dad says I am not allowed to talk to facility as he doesn’t want mixed messages. I think I may call and ask “generally” what is best practice for communication during a pandemic.

I’m the PP whose dad just died. I think if your goal is communication with your mom, you might do better to be clear that you want to talk to her regularly and ask how they can make that happen. That doesn’t step into your dad’s territory and it also gives the facility space to provide a solution for you that also works for them. See what they can do.

[Anonymous]

Call the facility.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a grown adult. You don't need to run things by your father. You can pick up the phone and deal with the facility.

I would ask today how they plan to connect mothers with their families on Mother’s Day. It might be dicey if every family wants to call and they don’t have enough tablets or personnel, so you might want to call her TODAY.

[Anonymous]

My father could never need me from my mother. Nope.

[Anonymous]

My parents are now gone, but having dealt with memory care, I can tell you that giving a patient a cell phone or tablet wouldn't have been a great idea - too easy for it to get lost or damaged. Call the facility, ask for the unit or sub-unit nursing station, and they can facilitate a phone call or Facetime. All of these types of facilities are under pretty heavy restrictions - I know it's painful, but unfortunately given how rampant and deadly COVID has been among nursing and AL facilities, I don't think there's really any other option.

Gently OP, you sound like you don't fully appreciate the difficulty of caring for someone with dementia and "physical issues." A good memory care unit can provide better care than another elderly person can do on their own. If your mom is confused by a phone and has physical impairments as well, she probably needs help showering and toileting at times.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry about your dad. Truly. I am going to keep trying. I just left a message asking that they rethink the cell phone. I am thinking of getting a throw away one and sending one each week so if it is lost then not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

My mom's facility has no problem with me calling the nursing desk first to get them to put my mom in her room and answer the phone when I call her direct number. She does have a phone in the room but will not pick it up if it rings.

[Anonymous]

Your father is a control freak. Say “hm-mm” when he issues an edict and call the facility anyway. Then pay to get a phone in her room, or a senior cell phone with large buttons, whichever might be easiest for her. When he finds out he might not be able to reverse the actions you take. He’s going to be angry, but you need to learn not to care.

I sense a ton of learned helplessness from a childhood spent with an abusive control-freak. For your own good and that of your mother’s, you need to break out of that. It does not mean fighting with your father or brother. It means working around them to get what you want. You need to be independent, sneaky and creative.

[Anonymous]

Most memory cares will set up a zoom or FaceTime. We have a family coordinator at ours who sets up the call and assists the residents in interacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to facility directly and ask them procedures to call/facetime Mom. I'd keep Dad and brother out of your discussions.

This.

Exactly this. Why have you not done this? You are a grown woman, her daughter and you are acting like you need dad's and brother's permission to talk to you mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry about your dad. Truly. I am going to keep trying. I just left a message asking that they rethink the cell phone. I am thinking of getting a throw away one and sending one each week so if it is lost then not a big deal.

JHC woman! You are embarrassing me by being of the same gender as me! Call the facility and stop acting like a 4 year old. I do not understand you at all. Stop asking permission from the men in your life!

[Anonymous]

My mother in law has dementia And is in a memory care facility. The caregivers facilitate a FaceTime call with us every single day with an iPad owned by the facility. They use gloves, and then wipe it down.

[Anonymous]

For those of you saying OP doesn't need her father's permission, how do you know? OP's father absolutely has the legal right to prevent the facility from talking with anyone he chooses, assuming OP's mother didn't put something else in writing prior to becoming incompetent.

There literally may be nothing OP can do. It's scary. And a good reason to educate yourself about the legal aspects. It could happen to any of you.