Elder care issue-please be kind
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Anonymous
OP doesn't want to put in any effort. Its easier to complain. |
Anonymous
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OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this predicament. I think the isolation and lack of social contact will hasten your mom’s mental decline. Think carefully. How much fight do you have in you? If you can take the heat, stop discussing this with other relatives. Prepare yourself for this to get ugly. Tell the nursing home that you would like assistance with communicating with your mom. If, and only if, you are willing to take such action, then if your relatives attack you, make it clear that you will petition the courts to be placed in charge of your mother’s care if need be, and then follow through.
Only you know if you’re up for all that. |
Anonymous
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I think that Op needs to *see* her mom. Whether she sees her mom via Facetime or through a window or her mom steps outside of the building for a visit - Op needs to see her mom. She should call the facility and ask them how that can happen.
I just can't understand how it's even legal to prevent a person from using the phone or stepping outside on a pretty day if they are able and willing and wanting to do so. |
Anonymous
| *Adding - don't call the facility in a fighting sort of mood. Talk politely and in a friendly manner. You want to do something nice for your mom on Mother's Day, would there be anyway for you to have a quick visit or at least see each other through a window? |
Anonymous
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Thank you all. My dad has told the facility that mom does not have permission to use phone due to Covid. I think a poster had it correct in asking do I have the fight in me to
Petition court. I don’t think so. Financially I don’t have it and emotionally I do not have it. I am so sad it has come to This. Mom is a Full day drive since planes are out right now. I think I am going to send mom cards where you record your voice for now and hope my dad and brother change their mind. Thank you all for kind words of wisdom. The more I thought about it the more I know I have to focus on my kids and not allow drama that I cannot change. |
Anonymous
That's absurd. You do need to be on a caller list for some facilities but your Dad can add you. Call the facility yourself and ask if you can speak to your mom. How hard is that? |
Anonymous
This, Hi, my name is Donna, I'm XXX daughter. I was calling to see how she is doing and if she needed anything (clothing, shoes, etc) and to see if I could talk to her. |
Anonymous
| The fact that OP did not report if she called the facility indicates that she didn't. I am starting to think that the only reason she is doing this is that tomorrow is Mother's Day and she got a rare bout of consciousness. I wonder if dad and brother are making this as an excuse as they know OP is a flake and will promise mom this and that, and a person with dementia will still be upset when her own daughter is a no show, no call. There is no reason she can't tell us if she called and what she was told. Dad and brother are protecting the mom. |
Anonymous
The excuse that your mother cannot use a phone because your father said so sounds very fishy. Social contact is very important even for persons with mental challenges and your father has no right to control whether the facility provides that or to demand that the facility neglect its patient’s basic needs. You should inquire how they intend to respond to your complaint that they and your father are abusing their mother. |
Anonymous
| OP has not been involved at all with the facility from what it sounds like. There is usually a call list that families can place friends and families on with some nursing homes so Dad may need to give permission. We had to do that with my MIL but it wasn't a big deal. We just called the nursing station and would say xxx, friend for many years would like to call. So, it may be true but OP can just call the facility and inquire about how her mom is doing and ask to speak to her. Worst they can say is no. With dementia, she may have lost the ability to talk on the phone or remember people so it may be pointless. |
Anonymous
I'm still not clear on this, and the story is hard to make sense of, but I think OP has indicated she is feeling overwhelmed and not needing more input. |
Anonymous
| OP, it's ridiculous that you haven't established a relationship with staff at the facility. They will make sure you can talk to her. They will make it happen. |
Anonymous
Your Dad sounds like a douche You can absolutely call the facility to see about communicating with her. I'd stop asking your dad and just do it |
Anonymous
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I should clarify. I used to talk and FaceTime with mom daily. After the shutdowns a number of residents in her facility had Covid. Mom has tested negative. My dad told me moving forward he didn’t want mom on phone as it could be a source if infection. My brother agreed with dad. I keep asking when I would be allowed to Call and they have put it off. Today I flat out asked when and was told until Covid goes away. This could be a year. I said this is wrong and that is when I was
told if I forced this and if mom got Covid then I would be sued for interfering. So yes I could push this but I worry if mom does get Covid then I would be sued or at a minimum blames for her death. This is why I originally asked if anyone else was dealing with something like this and was not talking to family in memory care due to Covid. |
Anonymous
| Okay, so you did have access to her on face time but it sounds like this temporary break is about the isolation procedures for your mom. I understand why your dad/brother may want to be extreme. A family member recently died of covid in a memory care facility even though it is a great place and they did all the isolating, etc. It’s just very contagious and impossible to not be in close contact with staff in that setting. Call the facility and ask if they have a safe way to get her on FaceTime with you. You can’t be sued. Seriously, what would they sue you for? You’re her daughter, just call the main line. |