Really Difficult First Grade Girl

[Anonymous]

So my daughter, who as far as we know is neurotypical, is very difficult. She is incredibly impulsive, and when she is upset, she makes rash decisions that result in unkind and defiant behavior. She has friends, but doesn't always treat them well. I worry constantly when in social situations with her (obviously not an issue now) that she will be unkind, actively not listen, or be the ring leader of unwanted behavior. She absolutely does not care at all about consequences. We also notice that the more strict and severe we are, the worse her behavior gets. We don't want to ignore bad behavior though, either. She is very smart, does well academically, makes friends, but playdates aren't reciprocated and I fear that her terrible attitude is catching up with her. Home life is generally quite happy, despite her difficult personality.

I see other sweet, kind first grade girls and worry about why my daughter is like this. She has not always been this way-- but it's been about a year and a half or so. It makes me sad that I find her so challenging and I worry for her in the future. Do tough first graders turn into impossible teenagers? What do I do about this?

[Anonymous]

See a child psychologist. Our K girl can be similar, although she's still very popular with friends (I think she knows how to "turn it on" for other people). We had been seeing a therapist, both with her and her separately and us separately. Luckily she's been pretty good the last two months so we haven't been back and have just been implementing his previous ideas, but it was helpful for us to have a professional take a look at the situation because we didn't know what to do. I'm sure you could do a telehealth appointment for something like that? Good luck, OP. I'm sorry, it's really hard.

[Anonymous]

PP here again, the other thing we focus on is a ton of praise for good behavior, since ours also does not respond well to punishment (doesn't seem to care about consequences). Maybe during this time with her not seeing other kids you can reinforce all the good things she does and that might help her when she is back to spending time with others.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely get a professional to look at her. You know her best, and if you see red flags, you should act. It is so much easier to help turn around a young kid than an older one. You might look for some books, meanwhile, about raising strong willed kids and what approaches work well.

It’s also helpful when you praise a kid to say why what they did was good was good, so they understand the social dynamics involved. “I saw you let your cousin go first in your game. Now she will be happy to play with you again because you were kind.”

It’s important to directly teach and label pro social behavior so she can learn what to do, when. Consequences should be tied to the offense as much as possible and be as logical and quick as possible.

[Anonymous]

You need to figure out what works best for her and change your parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to figure out what works best for her and change your parenting.

This. She's growing up and can't be babied with punishments like "time outs" anymore. (Not that you are doing that, OP, that's just an example.) She may need more serious consequences from you for her behavior.

[Anonymous]

How was your daughter as a toddler? My daughter exhibits ALL these behaviors exactly and she’s 4. It started at 2. We were in OT which was helping and I was planning to do a social skills group before covid-19 happened. We met with a neuropysch who said it’s possible she has very high functioning autism and could even fall off the curve in the future but if she’s improving with OT then we should wait to do testing. Life at home is hard many many days. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the recs to talk to someone.
Start charts and praise go a long way and can help to behavior modify.
I know this gets thrown out here all the time and incorrectly, but it does sound like some of the classic girl ADHD signs. They usually will not diagnose under the age of 7 unless it is REALLY impacted her, but something to watch out for in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to figure out what works best for her and change your parenting.

This. She's growing up and can't be babied with punishments like "time outs" anymore. (Not that you are doing that, OP, that's just an example.) She may need more serious consequences from you for her behavior.

Nothing wrong with time outs and other punishments but what is behind the behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was your daughter as a toddler? My daughter exhibits ALL these behaviors exactly and she’s 4. It started at 2. We were in OT which was helping and I was planning to do a social skills group before covid-19 happened. We met with a neuropysch who said it’s possible she has very high functioning autism and could even fall off the curve in the future but if she’s improving with OT then we should wait to do testing. Life at home is hard many many days. Hugs.

So, beyond diagnosis what are you doing to change things at home to make things better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was your daughter as a toddler? My daughter exhibits ALL these behaviors exactly and she’s 4. It started at 2. We were in OT which was helping and I was planning to do a social skills group before covid-19 happened. We met with a neuropysch who said it’s possible she has very high functioning autism and could even fall off the curve in the future but if she’s improving with OT then we should wait to do testing. Life at home is hard many many days. Hugs.

So, beyond diagnosis what are you doing to change things at home to make things better?

We give 2 “really good choices” to avoid meltdowns and remain in control. We never use the word “no” but say things like we can’t do xyz but how about this? Constant reminder to focus on herself. When she is mean to friends we were told not to say that’s mean but redirect and make a huge deal about something the other kid said. Example would be a kid says I’m super tall and have long hair!” My daughter will say “I’m taller than you! Haha”. I step in and say “oh my goodness Anna your hair is long! You must love to style your hair. Did you know Amy loves to do Elsa braids?” My daughter is crazy competitive even over the most ridiculous stuff and it’s because she’s insecure. At 4 kids are already pulling away from her because of her behavior and she lashes out in retaliation. She’s so sweet it’s just like she’s socially awkward. Like others said you don’t need to ignore the bad behavior but seriously react to the good behavior and discuss it again and again in calm situations. We’re also working with a childhood behaviorist who did a home study and school study and she had some great ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the recs to talk to someone.
Start charts and praise go a long way and can help to behavior modify.
I know this gets thrown out here all the time and incorrectly, but it does sound like some of the classic girl ADHD signs. They usually will not diagnose under the age of 7 unless it is REALLY impacted her, but something to watch out for in the future.

this is pp with the 4 year old. I’m not sure about the first grader but my 4 year old could care less about star charts. She doesn’t care about consequences at all but she is super sensitive. This is a recent break through, I used to think she had no feelings at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter, who as far as we know is neurotypical, is very difficult. She is incredibly impulsive, and when she is upset, she makes rash decisions that result in unkind and defiant behavior. She has friends, but doesn't always treat them well. I worry constantly when in social situations with her (obviously not an issue now) that she will be unkind, actively not listen, or be the ring leader of unwanted behavior. She absolutely does not care at all about consequences. We also notice that the more strict and severe we are, the worse her behavior gets. We don't want to ignore bad behavior though, either. She is very smart, does well academically, makes friends, but playdates aren't reciprocated and I fear that her terrible attitude is catching up with her. Home life is generally quite happy, despite her difficult personality.

I see other sweet, kind first grade girls and worry about why my daughter is like this. She has not always been this way-- but it's been about a year and a half or so. It makes me sad that I find her so challenging and I worry for her in the future. Do tough first graders turn into impossible teenagers? What do I do about this?

Op,

This is a moment for intersection. It’s been over a month since your Dd has interacted with peers and several more months at least before she does again, yet most of your post is about your worries about her social interactions. Honestly, I have no idea why your daughter is so “difficult” but you need to look at your own anxiety before you consult anyone for your kid.

[Anonymous]

This describes my 5YO boy to a T and he has ADHD. We saw the signs early. Consequences accomplish nothing, and positive reinforcement helps a bit. Some things cannot be punished away.

I suggest getting an evaluation. It’s hard, hugs to you. I suggest reading through posts on the kids with special needs forum. People on this forum mean well, but don’t often understand the magnitude of the challenges some of us are facing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter, who as far as we know is neurotypical, is very difficult. She is incredibly impulsive, and when she is upset, she makes rash decisions that result in unkind and defiant behavior. She has friends, but doesn't always treat them well. I worry constantly when in social situations with her (obviously not an issue now) that she will be unkind, actively not listen, or be the ring leader of unwanted behavior. She absolutely does not care at all about consequences. We also notice that the more strict and severe we are, the worse her behavior gets. We don't want to ignore bad behavior though, either. She is very smart, does well academically, makes friends, but playdates aren't reciprocated and I fear that her terrible attitude is catching up with her. Home life is generally quite happy, despite her difficult personality.

I see other sweet, kind first grade girls and worry about why my daughter is like this. She has not always been this way-- but it's been about a year and a half or so. It makes me sad that I find her so challenging and I worry for her in the future. Do tough first graders turn into impossible teenagers? What do I do about this?

Op,

This is a moment for intersection. It’s been over a month since your Dd has interacted with peers and several more months at least before she does again, yet most of your post is about your worries about her social interactions. Honestly, I have no idea why your daughter is so “difficult” but you need to look at your own anxiety before you consult anyone for your kid.

Hate autocorrect. Innerspection.