Really Difficult First Grade Girl

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks to everyone who has offered suggestions. It is helpful to be reminded of certain strategies, too. I have suspected that my daughter my have HFA or ADHD, and sometimes I wonder if it's anxiety that she responds to with this type of behavior. I wish we had gone to see someone last year, but we suspected it was a phase. Sure enough, she was fine all last summer and the beginning of this school year, but then the behavior started again.

Another interesting thing: I feel like her behavior is typical of boys her same age. The limit-pushing, the goofiness, remind me of little boys. I fully realize I'm stereotyping here, but I thought it might help to better describe her personality.

We have reached out to therapists and will be sure to see someone as soon as we can. Hopefully that is sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

agree. You are a total jerk, Pp.

[Anonymous]

Try Tricia Ulanet. She’s amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

agree. You are a total jerk, Pp.

How, how much of an ass**** can you be? I guess you better stay away from my son, he had an intellectual disability. You probably think your daughter will get “dumb” by hanging around him. Go jump in a lake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

agree. You are a total jerk, Pp.

How, how much of an ass**** can you be? I guess you better stay away from my son, he had an intellectual disability. You probably think your daughter will get “dumb” by hanging around him. Go jump in a lake.

Not the PP you are both responding to, but I think you are being unfair to her. My DD has a friend similar to OP’s daughter too. She is very mean to my daughter and my Dd that is not the most confident girl in the class gets put down all the time. I don’t let my DD hang out with this particular friend outside of school because that girl makes my daughter feel bad. I am also teaching my DD to stand up to the friend at school of course, but I prefer to encourage friendship with kinder and gentler friends is possible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

agree. You are a total jerk, Pp.

How, how much of an ass**** can you be? I guess you better stay away from my son, he had an intellectual disability. You probably think your daughter will get “dumb” by hanging around him. Go jump in a lake.

Not the PP you are both responding to, but I think you are being unfair to her. My DD has a friend similar to OP’s daughter too. She is very mean to my daughter and my Dd that is not the most confident girl in the class gets put down all the time. I don’t let my DD hang out with this particular friend outside of school because that girl makes my daughter feel bad. I am also teaching my DD to stand up to the friend at school of course, but I prefer to encourage friendship with kinder and gentler friends is possible

Ugh, all of these mommies micromanaging their children's social lives. You're not helping your DC. Or anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

agree. You are a total jerk, Pp.

How, how much of an ass**** can you be? I guess you better stay away from my son, he had an intellectual disability. You probably think your daughter will get “dumb” by hanging around him. Go jump in a lake.

Not the PP you are both responding to, but I think you are being unfair to her. My DD has a friend similar to OP’s daughter too. She is very mean to my daughter and my Dd that is not the most confident girl in the class gets put down all the time. I don’t let my DD hang out with this particular friend outside of school because that girl makes my daughter feel bad. I am also teaching my DD to stand up to the friend at school of course, but I prefer to encourage friendship with kinder and gentler friends is possible

Look, have your kid play with whoever you want, but jumping into this conversation with that information isn't helpful to OP. Either offer some actual advice or butt out, but "wow I would never let my precious offspring associate with your weird kids" ain't it chief.

[Anonymous]

OP here, again. To clarify my daughter's behavior more specifically-- she has never been accused of insulting or offending other children. When I describe her as unkind, an example might be that she doesn't want to play a specific board game, and absolutely refuses to compromise or accommodate a friend. I have never heard her saying mean things, it's more of an absence of consideration of others' feelings that makes her unkind. Sometimes this can happen when she is feeling unsure of hwrself-- like is she were at the swimming pool and felt that she couldn't swim as well as a friend, she might shut down and become grumpy and quiet, leaving the other kid alone.

When I read descriptions of HFA in girls, they don't completely resonate, although a lot of it is vague and mostly just says that HFA in girls in different than in boys and underdiagnosed. Interestingly, one article I read said that girls with HFA often function on the same level as neurotypical boys their own age, but below neurotypical girls their own age. That hit close to home, since as I previously mentioned that I feel like she often behaves like boys her own age. Anxiety or ADHD might be more on track. Regardless, I'm eager to get to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

agree. You are a total jerk, Pp.

How, how much of an ass**** can you be? I guess you better stay away from my son, he had an intellectual disability. You probably think your daughter will get “dumb” by hanging around him. Go jump in a lake.

Not the PP you are both responding to, but I think you are being unfair to her. My DD has a friend similar to OP’s daughter too. She is very mean to my daughter and my Dd that is not the most confident girl in the class gets put down all the time. I don’t let my DD hang out with this particular friend outside of school because that girl makes my daughter feel bad. I am also teaching my DD to stand up to the friend at school of course, but I prefer to encourage friendship with kinder and gentler friends is possible

Look, have your kid play with whoever you want, but jumping into this conversation with that information isn't helpful to OP. Either offer some actual advice or butt out, but "wow I would never let my precious offspring associate with your weird kids" ain't it chief.

I think the point of the first PP was to tell OP that she needs to try and help her DD become a better friend because (as OP suspected) not all parents are happy to have their daughters be treated badly. OP’s daughter behavior might be isolate her in the long run so OP is right to try and work on these issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

agree. You are a total jerk, Pp.

How, how much of an ass**** can you be? I guess you better stay away from my son, he had an intellectual disability. You probably think your daughter will get “dumb” by hanging around him. Go jump in a lake.

Not the PP you are both responding to, but I think you are being unfair to her. My DD has a friend similar to OP’s daughter too. She is very mean to my daughter and my Dd that is not the most confident girl in the class gets put down all the time. I don’t let my DD hang out with this particular friend outside of school because that girl makes my daughter feel bad. I am also teaching my DD to stand up to the friend at school of course, but I prefer to encourage friendship with kinder and gentler friends is possible

Look, have your kid play with whoever you want, but jumping into this conversation with that information isn't helpful to OP. Either offer some actual advice or butt out, but "wow I would never let my precious offspring associate with your weird kids" ain't it chief.

I think the point of the first PP was to tell OP that she needs to try and help her DD become a better friend because (as OP suspected) not all parents are happy to have their daughters be treated badly. OP’s daughter behavior might be isolate her in the long run so OP is right to try and work on these issues

Wow, I'm sure that thought has NEVER OCCURRED to OP. Thank god you posters are here to set her straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

agree. You are a total jerk, Pp.

How, how much of an ass**** can you be? I guess you better stay away from my son, he had an intellectual disability. You probably think your daughter will get “dumb” by hanging around him. Go jump in a lake.

Not the PP you are both responding to, but I think you are being unfair to her. My DD has a friend similar to OP’s daughter too. She is very mean to my daughter and my Dd that is not the most confident girl in the class gets put down all the time. I don’t let my DD hang out with this particular friend outside of school because that girl makes my daughter feel bad. I am also teaching my DD to stand up to the friend at school of course, but I prefer to encourage friendship with kinder and gentler friends is possible

Look, have your kid play with whoever you want, but jumping into this conversation with that information isn't helpful to OP. Either offer some actual advice or butt out, but "wow I would never let my precious offspring associate with your weird kids" ain't it chief.

I think the point of the first PP was to tell OP that she needs to try and help her DD become a better friend because (as OP suspected) not all parents are happy to have their daughters be treated badly. OP’s daughter behavior might be isolate her in the long run so OP is right to try and work on these issues

Maybe, reading this thread, those mommies will realize the harm they are doing by their actions. Teaching children to avoid children who act differently? Is that really who they want their children to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, again. To clarify my daughter's behavior more specifically-- she has never been accused of insulting or offending other children. When I describe her as unkind, an example might be that she doesn't want to play a specific board game, and absolutely refuses to compromise or accommodate a friend. I have never heard her saying mean things, it's more of an absence of consideration of others' feelings that makes her unkind. Sometimes this can happen when she is feeling unsure of hwrself-- like is she were at the swimming pool and felt that she couldn't swim as well as a friend, she might shut down and become grumpy and quiet, leaving the other kid alone.

When I read descriptions of HFA in girls, they don't completely resonate, although a lot of it is vague and mostly just says that HFA in girls in different than in boys and underdiagnosed. Interestingly, one article I read said that girls with HFA often function on the same level as neurotypical boys their own age, but below neurotypical girls their own age. That hit close to home, since as I previously mentioned that I feel like she often behaves like boys her own age. Anxiety or ADHD might be more on track. Regardless, I'm eager to get to a therapist.

Some of that is normal and age appropriate. You sound like you prefer a diagnosis than to work with her. If she wants to swim better, get her swim lessons. If she doesn't like board games, find something else for the kids to do. Not everyone likes board games. I am so sick of the "neurotypical" term and HFA. Even if she has a diagnosis, you need to work with her. You need a family therapist as it sounds like this is a family issue and you sound pretty unreasonable as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

agree. You are a total jerk, Pp.

How, how much of an ass**** can you be? I guess you better stay away from my son, he had an intellectual disability. You probably think your daughter will get “dumb” by hanging around him. Go jump in a lake.

Not the PP you are both responding to, but I think you are being unfair to her. My DD has a friend similar to OP’s daughter too. She is very mean to my daughter and my Dd that is not the most confident girl in the class gets put down all the time. I don’t let my DD hang out with this particular friend outside of school because that girl makes my daughter feel bad. I am also teaching my DD to stand up to the friend at school of course, but I prefer to encourage friendship with kinder and gentler friends is possible

Look, have your kid play with whoever you want, but jumping into this conversation with that information isn't helpful to OP. Either offer some actual advice or butt out, but "wow I would never let my precious offspring associate with your weird kids" ain't it chief.

I think the point of the first PP was to tell OP that she needs to try and help her DD become a better friend because (as OP suspected) not all parents are happy to have their daughters be treated badly. OP’s daughter behavior might be isolate her in the long run so OP is right to try and work on these issues

Maybe, reading this thread, those mommies will realize the harm they are doing by their actions. Teaching children to avoid children who act differently? Is that really who they want their children to be?

No, all I am teaching my kids is that friends should make you feel good and you should not be friends with people that are not nice to you... don’t try to twist my words PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was your daughter as a toddler? My daughter exhibits ALL these behaviors exactly and she’s 4. It started at 2. We were in OT which was helping and I was planning to do a social skills group before covid-19 happened. We met with a neuropysch who said it’s possible she has very high functioning autism and could even fall off the curve in the future but if she’s improving with OT then we should wait to do testing. Life at home is hard many many days. Hugs.

So, beyond diagnosis what are you doing to change things at home to make things better?

We give 2 “really good choices” to avoid meltdowns and remain in control. We never use the word “no” but say things like we can’t do xyz but how about this? Constant reminder to focus on herself. When she is mean to friends we were told not to say that’s mean but redirect and make a huge deal about something the other kid said. Example would be a kid says I’m super tall and have long hair!” My daughter will say “I’m taller than you! Haha”. I step in and say “oh my goodness Anna your hair is long! You must love to style your hair. Did you know Amy loves to do Elsa braids?” My daughter is crazy competitive even over the most ridiculous stuff and it’s because she’s insecure. At 4 kids are already pulling away from her because of her behavior and she lashes out in retaliation. She’s so sweet it’s just like she’s socially awkward. Like others said you don’t need to ignore the bad behavior but seriously react to the good behavior and discuss it again and again in calm situations. We’re also working with a childhood behaviorist who did a home study and school study and she had some great ideas.

OP, maybe it's time to try some "no." You have let this get too far out of control.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you give some examples? Also, does she have siblings and if so, what are their interactions like?