Really Difficult First Grade Girl

[Anonymous]

OP here. So we were planning to start a social skills group when the pandemic started. We considered trying to start with a therapist online, but I don't really think my daughter would connect with someone over Zoom and we are going to wait until we can have in-person sessions.

For Pp who asked, she was a "normal" toddler and preschooler, we first saw signs of this behavior in kindergarten.

I have also considered ADHD because she is a class clown and she is so impulsive, but she is also 6.5 and is actually very focused when it comes to schoolwork. I realize that does not rule out ADHD, but I figured we could speak to a counselor about this once the pandemic passes. Her school has not brought up ADHD or other testing, and they would if they thought it might be a concern. Perhaps she is still too young to seriously consider that possibility.

As far as consequences, they just don't work with her-- behavior spirals with her, and if we start giving consequences, she doubles down until we find ourselves in a deep power struggle. Positive praise does work, and we try to focus on that. Charts help initially, but their effect wears off with time.

I guess what I'm hoping to hear is that in not doomed to have a challenging kid for the next 20 years, and that there is still hope that she will grow out of this. I also really wonder why this started in kindergarten, with no previous signs of this kind of behavior. It's hard to have negative feelings about your own kid.

[Anonymous]

For what it’s worth my daughter is very focused when it comes to preschool learning. Was your daughter in pre school? My daughters first year she had like 7 kids in her class. This year she has 15 and I think she’s extremely overwhelmed. That’s when it all really started to go down hill. I feel you, OP. It took me 4 years to get pregnant with my dd and whenever I have a negative thought about her I’m like you idiot, you prayed for this miracle! I think with some good professional help your daughter (and mine) will be ok. Please do seek help though because everyone tells me the younger you address it the better. Don’t test through the school, go private. -4 year olds mom.

[Anonymous]

church, temple or some other religious group that focuses on morality and values.

[Anonymous]

She's not neurotypical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This describes my 5YO boy to a T and he has ADHD. We saw the signs early. Consequences accomplish nothing, and positive reinforcement helps a bit. Some things cannot be punished away.

I suggest getting an evaluation. It’s hard, hugs to you. I suggest reading through posts on the kids with special needs forum. People on this forum mean well, but don’t often understand the magnitude of the challenges some of us are facing.

NP. OP's DD sounds a bit like my DC when they were younger. They are HFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:church, temple or some other religious group that focuses on morality and values.

[Anonymous]

The issues you describe with social skills sound like autism to me. HFA is different in girls and often tricky. But it could also be anxiety. Bottom line, you've been worried for a long time and were worried enough to start serious interventions. Get an evaluation and maybe a diagnosis and start therapy. Stop agonizing over the long term prognosis. Who knows? She needs help now. That is the issue. I have a child with serious SN and it is normal to feel like they are much harder, and to struggle. They are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter, who as far as we know is neurotypical, is very difficult. She is incredibly impulsive, and when she is upset, she makes rash decisions that result in unkind and defiant behavior. She has friends, but doesn't always treat them well. I worry constantly when in social situations with her (obviously not an issue now) that she will be unkind, actively not listen, or be the ring leader of unwanted behavior. She absolutely does not care at all about consequences. We also notice that the more strict and severe we are, the worse her behavior gets. We don't want to ignore bad behavior though, either. She is very smart, does well academically, makes friends, but playdates aren't reciprocated and I fear that her terrible attitude is catching up with her. Home life is generally quite happy, despite her difficult personality.

I see other sweet, kind first grade girls and worry about why my daughter is like this. She has not always been this way-- but it's been about a year and a half or so. It makes me sad that I find her so challenging and I worry for her in the future. Do tough first graders turn into impossible teenagers? What do I do about this?

None of this is neurotypical.

[Anonymous]

Ask any parent with a kid with special needs - what will resonate with them is your need to constantly supervise/watch your daughter in social situations. HUGE red flag to the point of a blinking arrow. That is how we all feel. The need for vigilant oversight socially almost always signals special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter, who as far as we know is neurotypical, is very difficult. She is incredibly impulsive, and when she is upset, she makes rash decisions that result in unkind and defiant behavior. She has friends, but doesn't always treat them well. I worry constantly when in social situations with her (obviously not an issue now) that she will be unkind, actively not listen, or be the ring leader of unwanted behavior. She absolutely does not care at all about consequences. We also notice that the more strict and severe we are, the worse her behavior gets. We don't want to ignore bad behavior though, either. She is very smart, does well academically, makes friends, but playdates aren't reciprocated and I fear that her terrible attitude is catching up with her. Home life is generally quite happy, despite her difficult personality.

I see other sweet, kind first grade girls and worry about why my daughter is like this. She has not always been this way-- but it's been about a year and a half or so. It makes me sad that I find her so challenging and I worry for her in the future. Do tough first graders turn into impossible teenagers? What do I do about this?

None of this is neurotypical.

Really? Sounds like 6 year olds to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter, who as far as we know is neurotypical, is very difficult. She is incredibly impulsive, and when she is upset, she makes rash decisions that result in unkind and defiant behavior. She has friends, but doesn't always treat them well. I worry constantly when in social situations with her (obviously not an issue now) that she will be unkind, actively not listen, or be the ring leader of unwanted behavior. She absolutely does not care at all about consequences. We also notice that the more strict and severe we are, the worse her behavior gets. We don't want to ignore bad behavior though, either. She is very smart, does well academically, makes friends, but playdates aren't reciprocated and I fear that her terrible attitude is catching up with her. Home life is generally quite happy, despite her difficult personality.

I see other sweet, kind first grade girls and worry about why my daughter is like this. She has not always been this way-- but it's been about a year and a half or so. It makes me sad that I find her so challenging and I worry for her in the future. Do tough first graders turn into impossible teenagers? What do I do about this?

Op,

This is a moment for intersection. It’s been over a month since your Dd has interacted with peers and several more months at least before she does again, yet most of your post is about your worries about her social interactions. Honestly, I have no idea why your daughter is so “difficult” but you need to look at your own anxiety before you consult anyone for your kid.

Hate autocorrect. Innerspection.

Innerspection is not a word

[Anonymous]

Sounds like undiagnosed ADHD - the meds help with the impulsivity so so much

[Anonymous]

A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A slightly different perspective. My daughter has a friend like your daughter. I feel bad about it, but I absolutely do not let my daughter play with her outside of school. I don’t want her to be negatively influenced. Really listen to previous posters, get her help so it doesn’t affect her long term.

NP- this is so unhelpful. OP is trying to help her daughter, that's why she's asking. Also maybe you should be teaching your daughter about compassion and how it's important to play with people who have issues sometimes.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't rule out ADHD based on school work not being an issue--if she's good at reading/writing etc. and likes school work, it won't be a problem, especially in 1st grade when they don't need organizational skills. Kids with ADHD have preferred activities that they tend to focus on, and nonpreferred activities that are problems--it's fairly common for smart girls with ADHD not to have major issues with school work. That said, the ADHD diagnostic criteria require seeing an impact at home and at school, which in your daughter's case may be being impulsive and stubborn and insulting other kids if that's what's happening. Of course, ADHD isn't the only possibility--just wanted to say why it may be too early to rule it out.

You should consider getting on a waitlist for an evaluation--if you sign up for Children's or Kennedy Krieger, they take insurance but it will probably be a long time before you get an appointment.

Hang in there--it's tough to have an intense kid, especially now that we're cooped up 24/7.