Need Advice: Setting Boundaries with Mother as an Adult

[Anonymous]

Hi DCUM,

I'm 38, married 9 years with 2 kids. I'm in an interracial marriage, FWIW.

My problem regards my mother. I am her only child.

Recently, during this quarantine she stopped by our house to get something. I thought she was coming to the door and we would hand it off without contact. I had the front door propped open from carrying groceries. While I was in the back she came inside and used the toilet. She didn't ask or tell us. We saw her coming out of the bathroom. DH was very blunt and told her to get out of the house because of quarantine. We'd been pretty careful about germs lately and had been dropping off groceries at her house. I think my mother was antsy and that's why she drove over. She said she had been out to 5 stores and really needed to go. I did not have a problem with her using the toilet, just with entering our house unannounced and without permission. Today, a few days later, she messaged me to say she told DH was inexcusably rude to her. I explained how we saw it was not respecting our space because she snuck in without asking and she launched into this whole thing about DH lacking manners and not being respectful enough to elders and that she was worried for my safety.

I'm not going to argue he wasn't rude. However, we have this ongoing battle over boundaries that goes back to when we were dating and the level of deference my mother wants, but this does not mean we get it in return. She routinely ignores our wishes or listens only for a while.

How do others set those boundaries? This is a small infraction but for me it's emblematic of the bigger problem. I was going to let it be until she implied I was in danger.

Genuine thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Op: first of all ... you do not need to explain anything to her. Explaining just turns it into a conversation with back and forth, and escalating drama. Op, what if she weren't your Mother? It's hard but try to imagine that. Imagine she's a friend. If you wouldn't put up with some of the behavior from a friend, you don't have to put up with the behavior from your Mother. "I'm sorry that's not convenient for us" .. "I'm sorry, I didn't come to the door because it wasn't a good time for us" ... "I'm sorry you feel that way. I see it differently"

[Anonymous]

What a pill she is.

[Anonymous]

PP again. And if the conversation is not pleasant, because she's not making it pleasant, you don't have to continue with it. The conversation/visit has ended. You gain some distance. You wait until you feel seeing each other again will be more pleasant.

Very important if you can: you meet on neutral turf so you can always leave. Always have your own car, your own transportation. Never to stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a pill she is.

OMG, have some respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op: first of all ... you do not need to explain anything to her. Explaining just turns it into a conversation with back and forth, and escalating drama. Op, what if she weren't your Mother? It's hard but try to imagine that. Imagine she's a friend. If you wouldn't put up with some of the behavior from a friend, you don't have to put up with the behavior from your Mother. "I'm sorry that's not convenient for us" .. "I'm sorry, I didn't come to the door because it wasn't a good time for us" ... "I'm sorry you feel that way. I see it differently"

She's put me in the position of mediating between her and my husband. I don't think she realizes that I agree with him and that I'm horrified she would imply that I am danger because she doesn't get the level of respect she wants. DH for his part is aware of his faults - - he tries to be civil but he point was that she can't transgress then turn around and complain he was rude when she doesn't respond to polite requests.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess. Your mother is black and your husband is white.

The time to prep your husband about norms of elder respect was before you got married. That ship has sailed. Unfortunately, old black folks don’t really believe in boundaries lol. You will have to accept that your relationship with your mom is not going to be the same.

[Anonymous]

Worried for your safety??? She drove to five different stores, coming in contact with who knows how many people, and she’s worried about YOUR safety?

Your mom is a manipulator. She’s pitting you against your husband. When this pandemic is over, think about some therapy. Mother issues are best dealt with an objective support who can provide some structures and accountability for setting new boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP I think your mom is a narcissistic mother. Its common with the mother's of only children and there is a lot to read about it on the internet if you google "surviving a narcissistic mother".

Reacting to stuff gives them power, it keeps the argument alive.

If your Dh thinks he was rude and should apologize then let him. If not, I would just say nothing. Maybe repeat the phrase to her "our house, our rules" til she gets the point.

I have had to say to my own mother "I do not need your advice, your instructions or your approval" because she has always been so mightily interfering and as you say, requiring deference like she's an "elder" and in all ways superior.

I had to cut off all contact with my mother for 6 months. After that things were greatly improved. She still drives me crazy sometimes but I am less engaged with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess. Your mother is black and your husband is white.

The time to prep your husband about norms of elder respect was before you got married. That ship has sailed. Unfortunately, old black folks don’t really believe in boundaries lol. You will have to accept that your relationship with your mom is not going to be the same.

Yes, she (and I) are black. We talked about this a lot before getting married and many times since. It's the same thing over. She wants a level of respect and gives little in return. It's better sometimes than others. You give too much and here we are.

She doesn't even honor the same rules she raised me by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess. Your mother is black and your husband is white.

The time to prep your husband about norms of elder respect was before you got married. That ship has sailed. Unfortunately, old black folks don’t really believe in boundaries lol. You will have to accept that your relationship with your mom is not going to be the same.

Yes, she (and I) are black. We talked about this a lot before getting married and many times since. It's the same thing over. She wants a level of respect and gives little in return. It's better sometimes than others. You give too much and here we are.

She doesn't even honor the same rules she raised me by.

Unfortunately, she just isn’t going to change. So much of this really is cultural. A lot of our elders really believe that whatever they say goes and that they’ve earned the right to be that way. One thing to know is that likely this wouldn’t be that different if your husband were black. Black husbands aren’t any better at kissing MIL ass than white ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess. Your mother is black and your husband is white.

The time to prep your husband about norms of elder respect was before you got married. That ship has sailed. Unfortunately, old black folks don’t really believe in boundaries lol. You will have to accept that your relationship with your mom is not going to be the same.

Yes, she (and I) are black. We talked about this a lot before getting married and many times since. It's the same thing over. She wants a level of respect and gives little in return. It's better sometimes than others. You give too much and here we are.

She doesn't even honor the same rules she raised me by.

Unfortunately, she just isn’t going to change. So much of this really is cultural. A lot of our elders really believe that whatever they say goes and that they’ve earned the right to be that way. One thing to know is that likely this wouldn’t be that different if your husband were black. Black husbands aren’t any better at kissing MIL ass than white ones.

I figured as much. Her behavior over the years always comes in waves. The deference thing is something she always comes back to, when I think our generation might lean more towards giving more respect to those who demonstrate they are worthy of it, not solely based on age. I could see her thinking she's earned it by virtue of age, but like I said, DH reacts when she oversteps and especially when it is dangerous or is something regarding our kids.

[Anonymous]

Lock your doors. Hopefully, she doesn't have a key. If she has a key, change the locks. Tell her it is for social distancing.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with the previous poster some of it is cultural. But a lot of it is being an only child, so you have a double whammy. I too am an only child and it took years to train my mother to stay out of mix and stop crossing boundaries. I have three good friends , all of us are only children, in our late forties, and we commiserate about our mothers somehow forgetting we are grown.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate all the advice. I've tabled the issue while covid-19 is still around, allowing that people are forgetting themselves now. I told her we could talk after and we should all be aware of boundaries.